I’ve spent most of my life living at the male end of the energy spectrum.  I’ve always had more male friends than female.  I’m focused, purpose driven and like to get things done.  I was always good at math and science in school and little patience for girly things.  I was a tom boy who preferred to be climbing trees than playing with dolls.  I went to college to be and engineer and have worked in that field for over 20 years.  I’ve been single for most of my adult life.  I had one boyfriend for 3 years, one for 1 year and I was with my Scott for a total of 5 years (2 married).  All my other relationships have been quite short.   I’ve now been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want.  I have been struggling over the years with issues I have with alone and loneliness.  I’ve been struggling with not knowing what I want.  I’ve been craving a romantic relationship, but just not finding what I want.  At a young age, I rejected the ultra feminine.  I see it as mushy, weak, indecisive, high maintenance, dumb, and not powerful.  At some level, I’m rejecting myself, I’m rejecting my creativity and passion.  On an energetic level, I am only finding men that will reject me.  Over and over again, I find someone that is interested in me only to have them leave me for someone else.   This issue of my lost femininity has come up a lot and recently it has become clear to me that it might be core of a lot of my issues.  I have been actively work on this for about a year now. For a while I tried to just be present when I was out and see if I was energetically more on the male or female side of the spectrum.  I would try to be more feminine.  All I found from this experiment was that I couldn’t change at will.  I can’t “do” feminine.

This adventure to live in another country is an exercise of throwing myself into the feminine and seeing what it’s like.  I don’t know where I’m going, or how, and I don’t fully know why.  I’m trying to trust that the flow of life will determine what is next.  I’m throwing away the need for a plan, the need to control the situation.  It’s been very uncomfortable.  For quite a while I had no idea what part of the world I would be going to.  I had no idea how I would get there, what I would do to make money.  At first I thought I should know and have a plan.  When people would ask me, I’d say I didn’t know and then try to say something to justify why I didn’t know yet.  I could see the disapproval or terror in most people’s eyes.  I felt flighty and irresponsible for not knowing what I was doing.  I felt like I appeared that I wasn’t taking it seriously enough.  After a while I just got tired of explaining and I just felt frustrated because I didn’t have what I thought was a good enough reason for being wishy washy.  At that point, when people would ask me when and where I was moving, I’d just say soon and somewhere or I don’t know.  I would still see the judgement and terror in their eyes, but the most amazing thing happened when I would just leave the answer at that and not try to explain or justify.  The judgement on their faces would disappear and was replaced with excitement or awe or respect.  This happened only every time.  Most people would say something like “that is so brave” or “I wish I could do that” or some other powerful statement.  Wait, this not knowing, not having a plan, feminine flighty thing I’m doing is actually not weak or indecisive, but actually brave and powerful.  (I still find it extremely uncomfortable).

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore