Celery Skin (Refeeding Day 3)

I got up early to go get blood tests.  I barely slept.  I tossed and turned all night.  The “No one likes me” crap in my head is here.  The past couple of days when I’m sitting outside having my juice, no one chooses to sit with me.  They pull chairs and tables together and sit somewhere else.  When I do pull up a chair and sit with the group, I get talked over, interrupted or ignored.  Not sure why this still bothers me or how to stop it once it starts bothering me.  I’m not even sure I want to talk sometimes – the constant sharing of stories is exhausting and most of the time it isn’t real connecting.  But still, society tells me this is the way we are supposed to connect and I’m doing it wrong.  I’ve worked on it so much, but it still shows up.  I know that I’m the source of the problem and that half of it I’m just making up in my head.  I want to go home.  I want to withdraw.  It’s coming up for a reason and now that I’m no longer water fasting, my nervous system is ready to work on these type of issues.  So, I’ll work on it some more – bring it on – that’s part of why I’m here.

The blood test place opened up late and it took over an hour and a half to get blood drawn.  They had the air conditioning on arctic so my fingers were blue and I was shivering when it was my turn.  The lady drawing blood had to try three times to get a vein.  Did my veins get smaller on the fast or was my blood turning to slushie?  When I got back I had my morning juice in my room with the heat on.

I swear my skin smells like celery.  I washed my underarms 3 times today and I still smell like celery.  It’s better than BO, but just so weird.  My eczema is gone and the skin on my face actually looks pretty good and healthy.  I gained some weight although I’m still two belt sizes down.

I worked a little, read a little, napped a little, netflixed a little and drank my juices.  Not the most exciting day.  The last juice of the day didn’t go down too well.  I went up stairs to lay down and just felt flu-ish.  My stomach is gurgling a lot too.  No pretty pictures today – just my poor beat up arm from the blood draw and a new hole on my belt.

(c) All Rights Reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

Day 10

It’s day 10.  I’m still having the vivid detailed dreams.  I woke up feeling ok.  I mostly sat around in the morning.  I carried my nook around intending to read, but didn’t read.  I went to Cooking 101 class.  It was geared to those who are doing the Gerson therapy.  I will not be doing that – it will suck all the joy out of eating, but if I had cancer, I guess I’d be willing to try.  I still got some good ideas.

I wrote up yesterday’s blog today.  As I re-read the part of being identified with my old body, it just hit me so hard.  I cried for close to 2 hours.  At the end, I’m not sure it actually shifted or if I was too tired to continue crying.  I did feel evaporation from my legs and chest and just tried to lay and experience that.  I let a lot go.

Because of the crying, I missed half of the Awakening class.  When I got there they were talking about ayahuasca and doing card readings.  I’m ok that I missed half the class.  He did a little didgeridoo and toning at the end which is all I was looking for anyway.

In the late afternoon I napped.  It helped me feel better for a bit, but then I just felt crappy – acid re-flux, nausea, and general crappy.  I tried to watch netflix, but that didn’t help.  So I went to be early.

On a happy note, I found this giant rose bush.  I’d say it’s more like a rose tree.

(c) All Rights Reserved Kimberly Fiore

Hope

Mid-January, I went to Wisconsin to visit my Mom.  The thing on the plane that just was so obvious to me is how loud everyone is.  Why do people have to talk so loud?  I’m on a plane where the engine noise is already loud, but I can still hear individual conversations.  The person you are talking to is right next to you, why do you have to include me in your conversation?  They weren’t even interesting conversations.  It was a whole plane of “look how cool I am”.  Exhausting.  The rest of the world is right, Americans are loud and talk too much.

It was good to see Mom.  Her new place is nice and the people that work there are nice.  She was playing Bingo when I got there.  They have three meals a day and activities.  She has a small kitchen in her apartment so she could still cook if she wanted to.  I’m very glad she was able to move out of her condo into assisted living.

I helped Mom with some shopping.  I took her to Target with me.  I wondered if it would be too much.  It was.  It is a big store and even though we only walked part of it, it was too much.  But she wanted to go to three different stores so I think that would have been worse.  We went out to lunch a couple times and also went to church.  It was great to spend time with her and see her new place.

At church, the preacher was starting a new program with the congregation.  It had steps and things to do.  It sounded like a program that would go on for a month or two and involved extra study or practice outside of Sunday church.  I remember feeling a sense of hope come over the congregation as he talked about the upcoming program and how it was going help make everyone’s year great.  I remember doing workshops, study groups, and programs like this at church when I was in high school.  I remember the sense of hope at the beginning – This is going to change my life – This is the answer to everything – This is going to fix everything – This is going to get me on the right path.  In some of the programs I grew and gained new knowledge.  I can’t say any of them changed my life.  Some sent me on a new path.  I never found the answer to everything.  I can’t say any of them were ever bad, but I noticed something as I sat there in this old familiar feeling (I really like this familiar feeling).  The level of hope at the beginning is so strong and is a feeling far stronger than the outcome ever was.  I realized that it wasn’t just hope, but a feeling of control.  Oh great, this person has all the answers and if I just do all the steps in this program, follow all the learning, I too will have all the answers.  Then I will finally have control of my life, my emotions, my finances, my spirituality, my love live, etc.  In the past, as the programs went on, I learned, but I never became in control of anything.  I never got the carrot I was chasing.  As it turns out, I cannot control life.  This is also a good example of living in the future.  I felt so wonderful at the beginning of one of these programs because of the promise of a better future.  Hope and planning and learning can be tricky.  Hope feels so wonderful and is a huge motivator so we label it as a good thing, but then don’t acknowledge that we are rejecting the present moment and living in the future.  We assume that if we don’t have hope then we must have the opposite, despair, a bad attitude, disbelief or pessimism.  What if life doesn’t have to be an either / or situation.  What if we can be present and plan when the time is right for planning, learn when the learning comes, and know that the future will be great just because it will and not because we are using hope to avoid being present now.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Mom and some of her neighbors
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Mom taking a selfie
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Some of my old needlework I found at Mom’s
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More needlework

Do/Be

Here’s an interesting experience.  I had heard people complaining about big brother always watching.  The new theory I heard was that even when we aren’t talking on the phone, if our cell phone is nearby, it is recording us so that big brother knows what we are talking about.  Then adds for things you talked about show up on facebook or other websites later.  My first thought is, who cares?  If someone wants to listen to everything I say, how are they going to use it against me?  They are just going to be rather bored, I think.  Then after a conversation about IKEA, it shows up as an add on facebook.  I’ve never searched for IKEA or furniture on line.  As a test my roommates and I picked an obscure subject and talked about it incessantly one evening – Craw fish boil.  Nothing ever showed up for any of us about Louisiana, craw fish, cooking or anything related.  I kind of hoped it would.

I’m back at my old job.  It’s nice because it’s familiar.  It’s overwhelming because it’s a lot of work and I’m having trouble switching into face paced work mode.

I’ve been meeting up with some friends which is nice.  I’ve been watching a bunch of movies.  I’m still having trouble sleeping.  I wake up somewhere in the middle of the night, not awake enough to get up and do something, but not asleep either.  Then I sleep too late in the morning.  I’m trying to just be patient and kind to myself.  I’m sure some of it is my body adjusting to the altitude, food and lifestyle changes.  I assume some of it is reverse culture shock as I just don’t feel at home.  I feel lost.  I don’t feel like I belong here.  I don’t feel welcome in my own city.  I feel like I should do something, but I don’t know what to do.  Then even if I know what to do, I don’t want to do anything.  I feel the need to do, but I don’t want to do.  My old life, and most people’s lives are centered around doing.  I want to be, but I still don’t know how to be.  “Knowing” how to be is actually “doing” being.  That doesn’t work.  So, some days I get up and do.  Others I get up and exist (be) without the need to do.  A lot of mornings I get up, decide that the do/be dilemma is too much to handle and I go back to bed.  The nice thing about all this is that I don’t judge myself and even though I wouldn’t call this Joy or Happiness, I don’t need it to be some “good” feeling.  There is nothing wrong with it just being slightly uncomfortable.  There is nothing wrong with it being anything other than a do/be battle that sometimes goes the way of do, sometimes be and sometimes sleep.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Totally unrelated photos:

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My new hair color
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Latest coloring book creation

Stuff

The first week back in Colorado was mostly spent moving stuff around.  Organize this pile of stuff and find a place for it.  Organize that pile of stuff and put it in storage.  Go through mail and make new piles of mail to organize later.  Find stuff in storage and bring it back to the house to organize.  Wash clothes, organize clothes.  Discover I need stuff to put stuff in.  Buy containers to put stuff in.  Discover that in all that stuff, there are no coats.  I own more jackets and coats than one human should own and I couldn’t find any coats in storage.  Target for the win – I bought a nice dressy coat for $40 and a puffy coat for $50.  I spent a week alternating between getting new stuff, wondering why I have so much stuff, not having enough stuff, wanting new stuff, and not wanting stuff.  I’m living in a friend’s house and they already have a house full of stuff so there isn’t enough room for my stuff.  Stuff stuff stuff stuff.

Finding stuff in my storage unit involves

  1. moving 5-15 boxes which are falling apart because the tape stopped working;
  2. the motion sensor lights go off when you are perched unsafely on top of a box on a book shelf in the middle of a bunch of boxes;
  3. finding almost what you wanted and a lot of stuff you didn’t
  4. being cold; and
  5. generally feeling defeated.

So, what have a learned about stuff?  I just spent a year living with very little stuff. The whole year I knew it was temporary.  I lived temporary for a year.  Now that I’m back in familiar territory I’m nesting.  Part of me wants to gather stuff, nest, not be temporary.  There’s comfort in stuff.  For most of us, part of our identity is wrapped up in our stuff.  We are attached to stuff.  It becomes part of who we are.  Get rid of the stuff and we are lost or who we think we are is lost.  We are unhappy without our stuff.  Part of me craves to hide behind stuff.  But there’s freedom in temporary and who I really am is not my stuff.  More stuff does not equal happiness.  Part of me wants to ditch all the stuff and be free from identifying with it.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

 

Home

January 4th was a long day.  I keep trying to calculate the number of hours in the day because it fascinates me.  I think it was a 44 hour day.  I left Auckland at 3:00pm and arrived in Denver at 12:30pm.  I went back in time.  So cool.  We humans just made up time.

I remember sitting in the airport texting my friend who was going to pick me up in Denver.  I told him I might cry a lot.  I started crying just from typing the word “cry”.  I’m crying again, now because I typed the word again.  I can’t even tell you why I’m crying.  I’m not sad or happy.  I don’t feel any of the “normal” emotions.  I think it’s just a nervous system reaction to massive change.  It is also a physical recognition of the enormity of what I have done and am doing.

I tried to sleep on the plane, but I was so physically uncomfortable that I maybe slept an hour at best.  I watched 4 movies.  On the flight from San Fran to Denver I was able to rest a little as I had all three seats to myself, but I was aware of where I was and how uncomfortable I was the whole time, so I wouldn’t call it sleep.

Jay picked me up at the airport and brought me Deana’s snow boots and a winter jacket.  I cried less than I thought I would.  It’s so cold.  It was dark, gloomy and -10 degrees.  I miss the snow and cold, but my body isn’t ready for this.  After we got to their house and had some food, I set out to get my phone fixed and make my car legal to drive.  The scariest part was driving on snowy roads and remembering to stay on the right side of the road.  I only messed up once and it was in an empty parking lot entrance so no one noticed.  Over $500 to renew the car tags, including a late fee.  Ouch.  The phone is done.  I have insurance on it which means I get a used phone for free.  (It only took a day to get the “new” phone and it looked like it had never been used).  I did laundry and tried to separate things I would need from things that need to go in storage.  By the time I went to bed, I figured I had been up for 33 hours.

I slept for 9 hours when the alarm went off.  I felt like I should get up and do things.  Then I decided that I should not get up and do things.  I slept for 2 more hours.  Doing things proves to be difficult.  I spent a lot of time standing in the middle of all my stuff, feeling lost.   I got my “new” phone and went to lunch.  I was going to grocery shop, but that seemed an insurmountable mountain.  Plus it’s so cold outside.  I napped.  I did manage to separate most of the stuff for storage.  I feel lost.  I feel like I should do things, but I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to do anything.  I have a headache that won’t go away – altitude?

I took my car to the mechanic’s to fix anything wrong with it.  The person who leased it did not take care of it.  We are up to $1,000 worth of fixing so far – new tires, new keys, fix hatch back, oil change, fix alignment, etc.  Hopefully there isn’t anything else wrong with it.  Next week I’ll get the interior detailed because it’s just yucky.

I got a lot of “welcome home” messages on Facebook.  I don’t feel like I’m home.  Everything feels familiar, but not home.  It’s not a negative thing.  It’s not like home is good and not home is bad.  Same thing with “lost”.  Lost is not a bad feeling, but a detached feeling.  I didn’t expect that it would feel like home.  I feel like I’m waiting, waiting to know what is next, waiting for reverse culture shock to work it’s way through, waiting to adjust to the time/temp/altitude changes, waiting for all the to-do’s to be done, and waiting to not be lost.  I know home is not actually a place, but is me.  Me is in a major change pattern right now.  I imagine with some time and further integration of all that’s happened lately that I will feel home.  So, I wait, standing in the middle of a ridiculous amount of useless stuff wondering what to do next and wondering why I have so much stuff.

A few people have asked if I will continue my blog.  I think I will.  I think there will still be amazing and silly things to write about.  There are quite a few blog posts I started in the past that I hope to finish.  Some things are difficult to put into words and I hope to find the words.  I think that the integration of this past year will also be worth writing about.  After that, I might change the tone into more of a weekly meditation/investigation tool for those of you reading so you can participate more actively through your growth and learning, instead of just a ride along with my journey.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Brrrrrrr
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1:00pm so dark
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Starting the unpacking / repacking
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Break for Margaritas

Mitigating Drama

There are 3 people from Singapore on our trip.  The husband barely talks to anyone and is so completely controlled by his wife.  The wife has a judgmental opinion about everything.  The 16 year old daughter is quiet too.  I watch the mother make everything into a drama.  Then she can mitigate the drama and be the family hero and control the family.  Then she creates a drama, mitigates it, controls.  It’s fascinating to watch.  So, then I ask myself, where do I create dramas so that I may “be in control”?  I think, more often I create dramas to keep the  “poor me” going.  Thanks mirror.  What other ways am I resisting True Nature?  What am I resisting?  How and why are you creating drama?

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Some Random Thoughts

Here are some of the random thoughts running around in my head lately.  They may or may not be related to each other.

A feeling that is coming up a lot for me is the feeling that there is not enough for me.  It has been coming up every day especially around the time to eat and when we get to a new accommodation.  What if I’m the last one in line, there won’t be any food left.  Oh my god, I have to make sure that doesn’t happen.  What if there aren’t enough beds for me?  What if I have to sleep in a room with 10 people?  Oh My God.  I have no idea where this is coming from.  It’s somehow connected to the unwanted thing I’ve been feeling too.  So, more on this later as it makes itself clear.

It seems that everywhere I go, there is a cute guy.  I kind of hoped I would meet someone special on vacation or while in Thailand, but I always find myself attracted to one person on the tour or boat that I’m on.  Then I start wondering what they think, who are they, are they interested, etc.  Why can’t I just enjoy people’s company without there always having to be a potential of my future boyfriend.  It’s very frustrating.  Is this just human nature or am I still resisting alone and oneness?  Has anything really changed on this journey?  My feet have been hurting a lot lately and I think I am noticing that they hurt more when I’m thinking about a guy.  Then again, if I’m thinking of guys, my head is in the future.  So, is the foot hurting more global about living in the future instead of being present.  I feel like 80% to 90% of me is present most of the time, but the rest is living in thoughts about the future.   Then I am aware that I am in the future.  Then I’m in the future and present at the same time.  Future = Foot hurts.

Here are some good AH Almass quotes from the book I am reading.  They better explain what I was writing about a while ago.  Even if what we are experiencing isn’t “happy”, “peace”, “joy” or some other perceived good thing, we can still be present with it and see what we learn.  It doesn’t have to be seen as bad or suffering.  Instead, be curious and experience it fully.  “Even if we can stay present with an emotion or manifestation, it doesn’t immediately transform into its True Nature.  An emotion is not just a simple reaction to whatever is happening in the present situation. Usually the emotion has an entire history”.  He’s talking about being aware, being an observer on the outside.  I am very good at this and it’s happening almost 100% of my day.  But he is also talking about a different level of being present.  This, is what I tried to explain in past blogs:  “Normal awareness is observing experience from a distance, with the detachment of a subject viewing an object.  Not only noticing it, but you are also in contact with it, you are touching it, feeling it, sensing it’s texture and quality.  You are not only looking at it from the outside, you are aware of it from the inside as well and from all directions, from everywhere.  So presence brings in the quality of immediacy of awareness, which means having no distance between the awareness and what we are aware of”.

I think Americans are the loud kid on the playground – Hey look at me!

I would consider doing odd jobs and “lesser” jobs to live abroad, but not at home.  Why?

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Forgive

Warning: Spiritual big concept stuff in this blog.  If you aren’t into that and you just want to see pretty pictures of China or hear funny tales of adventure, tune in later this week.

Yep, my sketchy flight from Phuket to Bangkok ended up being legit.  Go Thailand!  I got into my hotel in Bangkok and was hungry and sore so I headed out for dinner and a massage even though I needed to be going to bed to get up early for my flight to China.  There was a food market nearby.  I didn’t see anything I wanted so I had coconut ice cream for dinner.  After massage I had a crepe with mystery green goo (pandan?), sprinkles and jelly balls.  This did not make for a healthy dinner, but it was quite delicious.

During massage the word “forgive” kept coming to me.  Ok, got it, forgiveness.  I tried to figure out who or what I need to forgive.  During massage, it felt like the list is so long that it is comical.  It doesn’t feel like any big injustices, just a lifetime of tiny judgements and petty gripes.  This isn’t a 12 step process and I don’t think listing them all out makes sense or is useful.  The big one, the original one is the one that all the others are actually built on.  For any person or event that I haven’t forgiven, it’s not actually about that person or event, it’s still the original.  Years ago I discovered that I had a belief that life itself is unsafe and that I was angry with life/myself/god/the greater power/the universe or whatever you want to believe is the greater power or knowledge out there.  I was angry, scared and mistrusting.  As I’ve worked on this over the years, my allergies have been disappearing, my non working thyroid started working again as well many other healthy changes in my body.  As much as I have worked and as much as I have let go, I think there’s more.  I don’t think forgive at this level I’m working on is “I forgive you for being mean” or  “I understand you didn’t know better, so it’s ok”.  There’s ego in that.  There’s a sense of blaming “you were wrong” and a sense of ego “I am the bigger person and I forgive you”.   The forgive that is coming up is not that.  It doesn’t have to do with a person, a situation or an event.  It is a letting go and surrender, again not of a situation or event.  It is to let go of everything – every event, good or bad, every person, every interaction, every judgement, every belief, the world as I know it, everything I think I am, everything I ever wanted to be.  I have been working on this little bit by little bit for years.  Investigate this feeling, that belief, this relationship, looking into every nook and crany of my brain.  I have changed and made it quite far in this process.  But, it’s still me, my idealized self image, a series of thoughts in the brain that is making all this “progress”.  In an earlier post I talked about how I wanted to live abroad not to find myself, but to lose myself.  The forgive that is coming up is to let go to the point that I lose myself.

When I speak of myself, I don’t mean I won’t remember who my friends and family are or that I will simply cease to exist, or I’ll become a monk and sit on a mountain top meditating for the rest of my life.  I’m referring to the self image, who I think I am which is just a series of synapses in the brain routed and created from my experiences and interpretations of those experiences.  I am not the synapses and memories in my brain.  I am something else completely (so are you).

I got to the airport in the morning for my flight to China.  I found most everyone to be annoying.  I found myself to be very judgmental about the way one person acted or another was dressed.  People were in my personal space.  The airplane music threatened to send me in a downward spiral.  Why is airplane music so bad?  Why do we have to have music on the airplane anyway?  Is it really soothing anyone that is scared?  It’s just there to piss me off.  What’s wrong with no music?  Although most of the day went smoothly, I found everything to be either stressful or annoying.  Apparently, I was not letting go and forgiving yesterday.

Today was the first day of my China tour and it was wonderful.  I’ll cover the details of that in another blog.  But as I sit here tonight trying to put “forgive” into words that will make sense, I can feel it happening.  I feel a lightness in my body kind of like being light headed, but over the whole body.  It feels like the cells on the outside of my body are slowly breaking apart and floating away.  They are shiny and glass like, but have no weight.  It feels like disintegration.  So, now I’m heading off to sleep or disintegrate or both.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

 

Air Con

Every morning when I get to school, I go up to my office and put my things down.  Then I go to the main office to sign in and then to school assembly.  This morning, same as usual.  My office is a tiny classroom that I share with Robin.  We teach the advanced students in there since their classes are small.  The classroom is one of a few air conditioned classrooms at the school.  Yesterday morning I was standing at assembly and Pat came up to me.  The past 3 months or so, if Pat comes up to me, it’s usually not a pleasant experience and it’s not just to say hi and see how I’m doing.  But this morning was a new experience for sure.  She asked if I had left the air conditioning on over night in the class room.  I said that I had not.  (I just came from there.  If the air conditioning had been on, it would have been on when I dropped my stuff off).  She just laid into me about how I need to be careful.  That I was careless, thoughtless and wasting energy and she was going to get in trouble, not me.  She went on to tell me that she even took a student over to verify with her that the air conditioning was running this morning.  She kept going and going and getting angrier and angrier until she was yelling at me.  I ended up apologizing for something I didn’t do and she stormed off saying “I’m sorry is all you should say”.  She was chastising me like a 6 year old.  I have no idea what is really bothering her that she is now making up reasons to be mad at me.  I am way too old for this game, what ever it is.  On my way back to the classroom, I asked her who turned off the air conditioning since it was off when I got to school.  She had no answer to that, but sent Q up to feel the room (which was hot, not cool).  Noi is the only other person with a key to the room and she wasn’t even at school yet.  I’m 46 years old basically being told to shut up and apologize for something I didn’t do.  Where’s the door?  I can’t wait to leave this school.  Noi asked the janitor if he turned off the air conditioner and he said he doesn’t have a key to the room so he hadn’t been in there.

By now I am so annoyed I can barely teach class.  Not to mention, I’m a bit scared.  I have no agent.  I don’t trust the company that placed me here as they have already showed that they will sell me out to make their agents happy.  And the person who is the head of the department I work in, has now gone from kind of unpleasant to scary.  All the people that are supposed to have my back, don’t.  I feel stranded, alone and unsafe.  Then I remember that I have Noi, Tip and Ging.  I honestly thought of calling Tip and asking her if she could help me get out of here as I don’t feel very safe right now .  But, I calmed down after Noi took me to lunch and told me quite a few times that I take teaching too seriously.

So, two points of inquiry come up from this.  One is that I hear all the time about how Thai people are the nicest people in the world.  But often, it is said by people that have left some other country to come live here and they say it in a way to imply that the rest of the world if full of horrible people.  So, I wonder what their lives and experiences were like where they came from.  My experience is that there are a lot of nice people in America.  I have a delightful, kind, and loving family.  I’m the crankiest person in my family.  I have some wonderful friends that would bend over backwards to take care of those they love.  And I have met so many kind and wonderful strangers along the way that were just kind because that’s who they are, not because they were my friend or family.  What if Thai people aren’t any different than American people or European people or any other people?  What if the entire planet has a fairly evenly distributed amount of nice and not so nice people?  What if one day you are one of the nice people and the next you are not?  What if this is just part of being human and not part of being Thai or Chinese or French……?

The other point of inquiry is that over the years I’ve worked on this issue where I feel the need for revenge.  I want those that have wronged me to see that they wronged me and to feel horrible about it deep in their bones for the rest of their lives.  I know where this comes from and I also know that life will never happen that way.  Even if it did, it wouldn’t solve anything.  The horrible injustice will never be undone with revenge or regret.  It will never be undone – period.  I cannot undo my past.  Being here in a high school has brought this up often.  I haven’t written about it yet because it comes up and I notice it and say, “hmmm, there it is again”, but nothing shifts.  Nothing new has been learned yet that I could share.  As all this drama is happening with Pat and I feel fear for my safety, this revenge thing comes up.  It’s a reaction to not feeling safe.  At some point, I realize I actually have the power to take revenge.  This woman has set me up to fail many times.  She is a huge part of why I’m not loving it here.  She might very well be a huge part of why no Western teacher will stay here for long.  I have the opportunity to point that out.  I actually have the opportunity for revenge that would get the desired result.  I  would never do this because I do understand that she’s not setting me up to fail on purpose – she’s just in over her head and managing two Western teachers, a whole department and teaching is stressful.  And, most people would struggle in her position.  But, if I think back, I’ve never taken a revenge opportunity either because I understood it would do no good in the long run or because I don’t want to be the bad person or because my mother taught me to be nice.  What if the reaction of wanting revenge whenever I feel unsafe doesn’t go away because I’ve never taken revenge?  Sure, I’ve said mean things in anger and I’ve done a half-assed job of creating drama that kinda of looks like revenge.  But, I’ve never committed fully to the point of irreparable damage.  If I did, would I then be free of feeling the craving for revenge?  What happens if I take this current opportunity handed to me?  What happens if I don’t?  The answer is that neither choice will change anything.  Really committing and going all in on the revenge might cure me of ever wanting revenge again or it might not.  We won’t find out because I can’t do it.  Suck it up and pretend nothing ever bothers me doesn’t work either.  I’ve been doing that my whole life.  So, there’s a third answer.  I can’t quite tell you what the third answer is.  I can kind of see it.  It’s just over there in a mist, a mist that keeps me from seeing it fully.  But since things are shifting and dissolving in my life, I’m sure that mist will lift in the near future and I can share that third answer with you then.