Tonight I went down to my room after the workshop was over and listened to my voicemail.  There was a message from someone at PAE asking if I would be interested in the Construction Superintendent job at McMurdo.  This is the job I really wanted in Antarctica.  I am well suited for this job.  The job would start in January.  I had assumed I was going to Thailand and worked through my disappointment over not going to Antarctica.  At first I felt angry and frustrated.  I’ve been waiting for this since March.  Why wait this long?  Why now?  I’ve packed most of my clothes.  I’ve paid $1400 in vaccinations.  I have a plane ticket to Thailand.  My deposit for my TEFL class is paid.  I paid for international health insurance for a year.  I told everyone I am going to Thailand.  What the fuck?!  Now I might have to make decisions.  I told Wendy, Michael and Ed and they are all excited for me.   I don’t feel excited.  I feel chaos and stress.  Michael said “Oh, does life support Rraine?  This is what you want”.  This is what I want, but it didn’t come in the package I wanted.  I spent years knowing I was quitting my job and doing something else, but not knowing what that something would be.  It was so uncomfortable not knowing, not having a plan.  I felt weak, indecisive, terrified, and stupid.  Then when I finally made a plan to go to Thailand, it felt solid.  Now I may abandon my plan and I’m back to feeling all those things again.  Fuck you life, I can’t make this decision.  So, I broke it down – why am I upset?  I will lose all the money I have already spent – ok, it’s just money and there will be more money.  I may appear flakey to the TEFL company and they may not want to postpone my class.  Why do I care what they think?  I’m afraid all the people I told I was going to Thailand will judge me.  Again, why do I care what they think?  I’m not even close most of the “they”.  Those that are close to me get it.  It’s my judge.  It’s my inner mom telling me I have to finish what I start.  I have to do what I said I would do.  It’s fear of not having a plan (code for control over the situation).  Without a plan, I will have nothing and won’t be able to take care of myself and then I’ll die.  I feel unstable without a plan.  I feel extra unstable if I abandon the perfectly good plan I had.  I’m upset because this will add more to my to-do list and it’s already ridiculous.  These and many I didn’t list are the surface reasons I am upset, but they are just there to distract me from the base issue.  The base issue is that if I get this job, the one I wanted, I will have to accept the fact that Life does support me.  This is contrary to everything I have ever believed.  My entire life and much of my personality is based on the belief that there is not enough for me.  This is what I’ve been working on so hard.  I want reality to flip and to really get it that life supports me.  I will have to live from the new truth, to not know and trust and change – forever.  It’s so silly that this is so hard.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore