Whoa, What a roller coaster of a night.  Every year the Fantastic Hosts put on a holiday party that is the best party of the year.  Every year I hope that I will have a date to bring.  Every year, I’m dressing up and going solo.   This year I decided to take a date, a guy I’ve known for years.  We’ve dated a couple times, but it never worked out because he would stand me up or say he’d do something and then flake or just stop calling altogether.  However, whenever he does show up, he is delightful.  He’s so much fun and is really present with me in person.   I told him this party was a big deal for me.  He spent weeks not giving me a straight yes or no.  Then finally he confirmed and for some odd reason, I thought he might actually do what he said he would.  But, around 8:00 pm I find out that he’s still working and needs to work again first thing in the morning and therefore is going to the party.  He tried to call it off by text instead picking up the phone to call me.  Eventually we did talk on the phone.  I tried to be understanding.  I wouldn’t want to be working on a Saturday night only to have to go work again the next morning either.  At the end of it all, though, I just felt unimportant and disappointed.

So, I head off to the party with some friends and no date.  We get to party hours later than I had hoped.  I’m trying real hard to have a good time, but can’t quite shake the disappointment.  I decide to skip being sober for the night.  Just about the time I’m beginning to not care that my date, who has a history of disappearing, didn’t show and I was stupid enough to be the one to invite him, the party is over.  Well, at least there was an after party to go to because I was in no shape to be driving.  Plus, a lot of my friends will be there and it will be nice to spend some time with them.

At some point in the evening, I was propositioned by 3 different guy friends.  Where the hell have you guys been in the past few months, or past few years?  Why now?  I go to every event single and no one hits on me.  My actual date for the evening doesn’t want me, but everyone else does.  Is it because I’m leaving the country.  I didn’t suddenly become prettier or funnier or smarter.  It makes my head spin.

So, as you are reading this, you may be thinking that’s a crappy night (or you may be thinking, stop whining).  But wait – this is where it gets crappy.  It’s the wee hours of the night and I’m having trouble putting words together.  I can barely stand.  Then my heart is racing so fast I’m afraid I’ll have a heart attack.  All my muscles start to spasm.  Then the hallucinations start – fractals and swirling colors.  It was quite scary. However, a part of me was still aware and I could see that people were noticing, watching me and making sure I was ok.   I felt terrified and well taken care of all at the same time.

One of my friends, Tim, sat with me for hours and held me and poured love my way.  Waves of crying came, most of it was terror.  I’ve been locking down on the terror I feel over shutting down my life here to move away from everything that is familiar and comfortable.  With each wave I felt my heart relax a tiny bit.  As the sky became lighter outside, I started to feel like I was going to make it.  I was still quite messed up, but able to have a conversation.  What a strange way to bond and get to know someone better, but I’m grateful for this beautiful man who stuck it out with me until mid morning.

I slept for a few hours.  I’ve been up for about an hour now and huge shivers and chills are running through my body.  Even thought I’m so much better, it’s not over.  The alarm on my phone goes off to tell me I need to take the next Typhoid Fever pill.  I’m half way through the week long course of the vaccination.  Holy Shit! I have been trying to figure out what went so wrong.  Is this why?  Did the Typhoid Fever vaccination have a bad reaction with other things?  Stress + pent up fear + typhoid + alcohol + what ever I ate + my date canceling + etc = scary trip.   Scary night + wonderful people = bonding + gratitude.  So, maybe it was a fantastic night after all.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore