Time to get to the real work – why am I really here.  This has been so hard.  I knew it would be.  The whole time, I’m asking myself, why is it so hard.  Beyond the obvious culture shock, new job, bugs, drastic change in standard of living, etc.  I’ve done my inner work.  I know that if I’m suffering, it’s a lie in my head.  But I still can’t get out of hole of despair.  My job here is to teach English, but the bigger job is to continue to Wake Up (and take my readers with me).

Last night when I was riding my bike up some ridiculous hill I just started crying.  I can hear everything my next door neighbor does so I know if I just start screaming or crying at home, I’m going to have to answer some questions or at the very least, that information will go into the rumor mill and people will think I’m unhappy.  I am unhappy, but not because the school isn’t taking care of me.  I’m unhappy because it’s a giant change and a little too much to process all at once.  I’m unhappy because I have my own unresolved issues that are coming to the surface because I am worn too thin to keep up the defenses against the issues.  So, I was trying to push this tiny bike up a hill it wasn’t fit for and I just couldn’t hold back the tears again.

I’m unhappy because the people I want to love me, don’t reach out to see how I am doing.  Everyone’s life went on as normal without me, as if they didn’t notice I left.  These are the feelings coming up, not the reality of it.  I have had amazing contact with some of my ATP classmates.  I know people are reading and following my blog.  I’ve talked to my family more that I use to.  I know I have a bunch of friends planning to travel with me when I have time off.  And now I have an entire school that will do anything to make me feel welcome so I will stay here.  Ok, it’s not because they know and love me, but still, it’s an entire school.  I’ve spent most of my life taking care of myself, physically and emotionally.  I’ve spent most of my life craving and wishing for that someone special, that knight in shining armor to come and save me and take care of me because I’m so tired of doing it myself.  I know that’s never going to happen, but I keep hoping for it anyway.  Can I let go of the “need” for it to be one person, a mate, a knight?  Can I let go of wanting it to be the person that is not interested or capable?  Because if I can, I might be able to enjoy the fact that I’m being taken care of.  It’s not a man that I find attractive with the promise of a life partnership together. It’s not happily ever after.  It came in a different package.  It’s a staff of teachers and a bunch of students.

On a slightly different issue (but still related, somehow), I’m frustrated with the wifi here.  The possible solution is an hour’s drive away and I have a bicycle that doesn’t like hills.  I supposedly live in the land of waterfalls, but I have no way to go find any of them.  I have fellow TESOL teachers 2 and 3 hours away (by car, not bicycle).  I feel stranded.  I miss my car.  It’s a frantic panic-y feeling.  I was noticing it and questioning this correlation between freedom and mobility.  One of the questions I’ve gotten a lot the last few days is am I lonely.  It seems funny to me.  No, I’m not lonely.  I’m around teachers and students all day long.  I can hear every time my next door neighbor sniffles or someone walks by.  Back home, I was alone and isolated.  I would spend about 90% of my week alone.  I got lonely sometimes.  The difference here is not lonely or not, it’s mobile or not.  At home, if I was feeling isolated, I’d just get in the car and drive somewhere else.  I have no issue roaming around Thailand, seeing the sights and scenery alone.  I mind that I can’t roam.  So, this connection/correlation/realization is still coming together, but since I just put them together today, I figured I’d write about it since it’s at the point where it will probably come together in the next week or so.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore