Whoo Whoo Awakening Stuff

So, as I mentioned in the previous blog, I spent the whole day wandering around Hanoi sick trying to resolve the computer problems.  At some point I no longer cared that I had to walk in traffic just to get around.  I remember thinking that it didn’t matter if I got hit by a bus.  If I die, then I won’t have to deal with feeling so sick anymore.  Maybe that would be ok.  Don’t freak out, that’s just how you feel when you are sick and exhausted.  It did make it easier to get around and life seemed to go around me with no problem.

I know it’s more than just being sick, tired and dirty.  Something big is happening.  By the time I got back to the hotel I decided I was done with life.  I know this isn’t a truth the way you see it, but a process that needs to be kicked, cried and worked out physically.  I tried to sleep, but processed a lot about how exhausted I am in life.  I’m tired of fighting life.  Then fear of death came up.  It was a back and forth of just wanting to die and fear.  It felt very obvious that my identification of who I am no longer works.  It has been disintegrating for months now.  It’s not that I want to die, but that life as that identification is no longer worth fighting for, it’s too painful and too exhausting.  But I don’t know how to let go and fear or “I don’t want to” comes up.  I felt so sick that I wasn’t really sure if I was dying.  So, I cried and prayed for death.  Either way felt fine – death of the ego or the body, it didn’t matter as long as someone would die.  I know it’s not something I can “do”, but  I don’t know how to not “do”.  I had huge dread.  I felt like I hated Hanoi and Vietnam and I couldn’t possibly finish my vacation here.  I felt like there is no way I can go back to work as a teacher in May.  I won’t survive it.  I want to go home, but I have no home to go to.  I could go somewhere else, but where and how?  Why am I here?  This isn’t what I want.  But what I want doesn’t exist.  Then I thought of my mom in Wisconsin who is 86 and trying to take care of a sick husband.  Should I be in Wisconsin?  I’m still not clear if this part of the process was some sort of direction that I should be moving to Wisconsin or if it’s a trick of the ego to try to hold onto “the mom” or am I processing some of what she is experiencing right now?   That night nothing resolved and I finally fell asleep.  Even though it sounds dire, I get it that it that this is all process and is part of that false identification trying to disintegrate.  I don’t take it literally, and I’m just explaining how it feels so if anyone else ever experiences this or something similar, maybe you can have room for the thought that it is just an experience, not a reality.  It feels like the letting go of identification with story and body is at a point of critical mass where I can’t stop it if I tried.  It’s going to happen even if it makes me sick to get me to slow down. This is what I came here for.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

5:00am

The train arrived in Hanoi at 5:00am.  What?  No one should be awake at 5:00am.  I did not sleep well on the train.  The air conditioning didn’t work and I just sweated and wondered how often trains derail.  I slept a little, but I’m sick so I’m going to whine a little and call on your sympathy.

On the taxi ride to our hotel, we saw soooo many people running around the lake.  The city was already kicking at 5:00am.  They dropped me off first.  I can’t check in until 2:00pm, but at least I could leave my suitcase there.  I feel so sick I can barely move.  It’s misty and drippy, not quite raining out.  I walked the few blocks to the hostel where the rest were staying.  After my hostel experience in Sapa and because I feel so bad, I decided to book my own hotel in Hanoi.  The small streets were not too busy yet.  The hostel was busy with people trying to check in, people waiting for tours and people passed on the couches because they agree with me that 5:00am is just too early.  I was bored and not loving the hostel scene so I left to hunt for food.  In just a half hour the streets had gone from not too busy to mayhem.  There were motor bikes everywhere, people walking, people cooking food in the street, people carrying stuff, and store front’s opening.  I saw an entire street of just tape and packing materials stores.  There didn’t appear to be any restaurants, just random people cooking on the side of the street.  I walked a few blocks and went back to the hostel soaking wet, hungry and quite cranky.  A little while later I tried another food hunt with Louise and we found coffee and I got some bananas.

I decided to set out to see if I could find a place to fix my computer.  The lady working at the hostel suggested a place so I set out in the damp with a map to find it.  I found it and they said they didn’t cover hard ware problems.  They showed me a street not too far away that had computer stores so I headed in that direction.  The streets here are crazy.  There are more vehicles on the road than looks physically possible.  The motorbikes outnumber the cars and buses.  They pass each other with only an inch of room in between.  The motorbikes park on the sidewalk so you have no choice but to walk in traffic.  Crosswalks exist, but don’t mean anything.  You just have to walk in the street and hope no one hits you.  When you cross the street you just run or take a few steps while swarms of motorbikes go around you, take a few more steps and then a few more.  No one stops to let you cross, they just keep moving and weave in and out of each other and you.  Somehow it works.

The street with computer stores was 20 blocks or so with nothing but what looked like people selling electronics out of their garages.  It was kind of creepy.  I picked one and they tried real hard to fix it, but couldn’t figure it out.  I bought a usb drive and figured I could at least save all my files before I gave up on the computer.  I found a store a ways away that said “blah blah blah Microsoft” on google maps so I decided to try that before I reset my computer to factory settings I’d try that place.  My computer was made by Microsoft.  It was much farther than I thought and was the actual company Microsoft.  I figured they wouldn’t be able to help, but went up anyway.  The lady said the Surface was only made in America so they couldn’t help.  She suggested a place I could buy a new computer.

There was a restaurant in the building so I had lunch there.   They didn’t speak English, but after a bit, I managed to order stir fried veggies and rice.  I ran the thing on my computer that cleared it and took it back to factory settings.  It still didn’t fix the problem.  Half way through lunch I was overcome with the distinct feeling that I needed to stop eating now.  I felt ill and left without finishing my meal.  I’m exhausted, sick, damp, and upset by the loss of my computer.

I went to the store the Microsoft lady recommended which was waaaaay more walking.  I bought a new computer.  They said they could set it up in English.  Everything is so cheap here, except my computer.  It cost me $450.  They said it would take 2 hours to set up and I should come back.  It’s now 1:30 and I just want to check into my hotel and sleep, but I have to find something to do for 2 hours and I’m no longer anywhere near the hotel.  I find a coffee shop near by and sit in at a tiny table in a tiny chair on the sidewalk.  The guy who works there is nice and brings me coffee with a side of tea.  Strange, but ok.  Then when I’m done with my tiny coffee, he brings me more tea.  I took a chance and went back to the computer shop a half hour early and it was ready.  They helped me get a taxi back to my hotel and checked in around 5:00pm instead of 2:00.  By now I’m sure I have food poisoning.  It was either brushing my teeth on the train or the banana with the split in the side I had for breakfast.  It could have been lunch too since I had that distinct feeling or that may have been when it hit.

As is the case with most things, maybe all things, there is a spiritual component to this.  Process is coming up and things are moving and changing and I can’t control it, but just hold on tight and go with it.  I’ll post more about this in the next blog for those that are interested in these things.  For those that are not, I went to bed early.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Sicker

Yep, the trekking was too much.  I don’t feel any better, maybe worse.  It feels different so I think I may have caught something else while my immune system was down.  I just sat at coffee shops yesterday and worked.  Erin and Louise were happy to have a down day to catch up on emails and stuff so they hung most of the day with me.  Not sure what Annalise did.  Today, I felt worse yet, but still went on a hike to a viewpoint over the town.  It went through one of the strangest parks I’ve ever seen with scary statues, gardens, big rocks, a homestay and steep trails.  The viewpoint was great, but I shouldn’t have gone.  I’m just miserable now.  My computer doesn’t feel good either.  It will no longer recognize wifi signals.  It says there are no wifi connections when my phone sees over 20.  I spent 2 hours running trouble shooters which I already thought were useless and I’m now convinced are.  I did a system refresh which deleted every preference and app I had.  It didn’t delete my files though.  Still nothing.  I have Engineering work that needs to be done asap and I will not be able to do lesson plans without a computer.  I basically cannot survive without one.  I know Erin bought a computer in Thailand and it was reasonably priced and works well.  I will try to get it fixed in Hanoi tomorrow, but I don’t have much faith that is possible.  I will probably have to mail it back to the US to get fixed or replaced.  I feel completely defeated and just so tired.  I find it interesting how attached we are to our electronics.  I remember a time when I was able to survive without a cell phone and a computer.   We just connected with each other, made better plans and went to a place of business to work.  So, I’m still attached to my electronics.

We took another bus back to the train station to take the night train back to Hanoi.  I kinda excited about the night train.  I think the rocking will help lull me to sleep and maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Sapa Trekking

The fog cleared a little.  It was still overcast, but warmer and everything looked less dire than it did yesterday.  I was able to book the last room at the Cat Cat hotel.  It was a family room with three beds for $25 a night.  Deal!  The view from the deck was stunning.  It was clean and had a heater in it.

The tour was wonderful.  We hiked through villages.  It didn’t look like it did in pictures because we were here before planting season.  They plant the rice in May so I imagine June and later is stunning.  They taught us a little about the different tribes in the area and we walked through some of the villages.  We walked through a bamboo forest, along top of the rice fields and to a waterfall.  Our guide and bunch of other women dressed in their traditional clothes walked with us.  The waterfall had almost no water, but it was still pretty.  At some point, we saw two water buffalo locking horns.  I thought that was a good point to throw some of Scott’s ashes over the rice fields.  So, in the future when you eat rice, imagine it might have come from Sapa and carries the joyous energy of that beautiful man.  I also left some of his ashes in the waterfall.

Of course, at the end of the tour, the ladies that were walking with us unpacked all their handmade wares and tried to get us to buy stuff for having “helped” us along the trek.  We got back in town and wandered around some more.  The town is much bigger than it felt yesterday and I like it a whole lot more than I did yesterday.  All the restaurants we have tried so far have been real good and everyone is nice.  The tribe ladies in the streets trying to sell you stuff or get you to sign up for tours is annoying though.

I’m still feeling horrible and today was great to get out and do some exercise, but now I feel worse.  It was a little too much activity.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Scott Rice Terraces

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My trekkin budy (she’s one year younger than me)

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Waterfall with no water

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Foggy Sapa

We arrived at the train station at 6:00am.  What’s my name?  A sweet lady shows up with sticky rice.  So I bought some thinking it would be like Thai sticky rice.  Oh no, it wasn’t.  It was tasteless patties of white goo that I was supposed to buy sausage to go with.  You make a rice goo sausage sandwich.  I ate one and decided I never needed to eat that again.  We waited out front of the train station for our shuttle.  It was a zoo of taxi drivers hassling us and backpackers everywhere.  Later it turns out one of the taxi drivers that was bugging us actually was our shuttle.  If he had a sign with our name or the hostel’s name on it, we would have gone with him sooner.  He finally showed us a confirmation email.  The ride to Sapa was at least an hour from the train station, maybe more.  It’s wet and foggy and everything is damp.  Omg, the streets of Sapa are so narrow and steep.  There were buses, motorbikes and hikers everywhere barely missing each other by inches.  I’m not sure how you even get a motorbike up the steepness of these roads.  It’s very cold and everything is wet and muddy.

We got to the hostel and didn’t have the private room we were promised.  Annalise took the last bottom bunk and the shower was cold.  There were no lockers or any way to lock up our valuables.  I felt very flustered and unhappy.  So, I decided I could just feel unhappy or I could change my situation so I asked if there was a private room I could upgrade to.  There was so I did that.

We set out in the cold foggy weather to see Sapa.  They sold “North Face” jackets, hiking boots, backpacks and other gear in every other store.  I didn’t want to buy more clothes, but I was freezing so I got leggings, a hat and gloves.  The North Face jackets were $15-$25.  I ended up buying one of those, not because I needed one, but because I have a jacket problem.

We went to the pharmacy because both Erin and I are sick.  In Thailand, you often skip the doctor and go straight to the pharmacy and the pharmacists speak English so we figured it might be the same in Vietnam.  She didn’t speak English and I doubt she was a pharmacist, but after a short game of guess this illness charades, we both had a pile of drugs.  Mine were sinus drainage drugs and an antibiotic.  So, if I have a sinus infection, that should work.  Fingers crossed.

We holed up most of the afternoon in a restaurant that had a fireplace and fabulous ginger tea.  We wandered around town a little, but it wasn’t really pleasant.  We signed up for a tour that included a waterfall and trekking through the tribal villages and rice fields for tomorrow.  Hopefully the fog clears enough to see something.  After dinner, I had a massage.  It was in a cold room and the massage was mediocre at best.  I miss Thai massage already.  She did do a lot of work on my face and head which felt great on my sinuses and hopefully helped!  The fog is creepy, but in a fabulous way at night.  I enjoyed walking back to the hostel in it.

I got back to my private hostel room and was met by the smell of mildew.  In the dark, it’s creepy.  There are cobwebs everywhere and it just feels gross, cold and wet.  It’s too late to do anything now, but first thing tomorrow, I’m going to book a room at the hotel next door which got good reviews.  It’s more expensive, but at this point I don’t care.  It’s official, I’m too old for hostels.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Look carefully, those are dead squirrels as decoration

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Ha!
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Tiny coffee with candle to keep it warm
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Disco Lights in my scary hostle room

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Vietnam

We left in the morning and flew from Chaing Mai to Bangkok and then from Bangkok to Hanoi.  Switching planes in Bangkok was a challenge.  I wasn’t sure I had a long enough lay over, but it worked out well.  Had to get my luggage, then go check in for my international flight and check my bag.  Some people need a visa to go to Vietnam or at least an intent to get a visa letter.  USA is one of the countries that needs that.  I had applied for my letter and had no problem checking in, but the people in front of me were not prepared and got turned away for the flight.  Getting in to Vietnam, we had to hand in our letter and then wait for the visa and pay for the visa which took quite a while.  We were supposed to pay the fee in US$ or VND, but all I had was Baht and there was no place to exchange money.  They let us pay in baht – yay!  Louise is from Scottland and didn’t need a visa at all.

Erin was already at the airport and Louise, Annalise and I were all on the same flight.  We exchanged money and headed out to find a taxi.  There was a taxi stand with a line of taxis.  I figured, as in most places, we just go to the first taxi.  Some guy kept asking if we needed a taxi and telling us $20 to the train station.  We just had to wait 3 minutes.  At some point when I figured we had missed the front of the line, I decided I wasn’t going wait for him when there was a line of taxis already.  He was livid and started screaming at us and the taxi driver whose car we got in.  Welcome to Vietnam.

It was a long drive to the train station, but since our train didn’t leave until late, that was ok.  We got dropped off and went in to find Gate 6 which is where we were supposed to pick up our tickets.  There was no gate 6, just a door 2.  Nothing looked right at the station.  Something was very off, but of course I have no idea, just the knowledge that this isn’t right.  Someone directed us to Track 6, but that wasn’t it either.  No one spoke English, no one.  By now, I’ve figured out that there are two stations and the other station should be on the other side of the tracks, but I can’t see a station anywhere.  Finally, a lady motioned me to walk to the end of the platform and turn left.  I turn around to find my friends and almost get run over as about 20 motorbikes come tearing down the platform.  What a strange place to drive a motorbike.  I guess they came off a train.  We walked to the end of the platform and crossed a bunch of tracks and headed toward what looked like an abandoned warehouse, but right around the corner was another train station.  There were only 2 people in the station, but we found gate 6.  So then we headed out to find some food.

I wouldn’t think that Vietnam could feel, look, sound and smell so different from Thailand, but it is so completely different.  It doesn’t even feel real.  And all we have seen is the airport and the train station and it’s already vastly different.  There are more motorbikes here than I’ve seen anywhere, ever.  The driving was insane.  Dinner was ok – small hole in the wall local restaurant.  A bunch of people were having what looked like Korean BBQ where you grill the food yourself on a table top grill.  We wanted that.  An old lady had us point at food in a window and fixed us plates of rice with the food we pointed at.  There was no menu and having the grill did not appear to be an option for us.  At this point, it was too much work to do anything else so we ate the already cooked food.  It was pretty good, nothing special.

By the time we got back to the train station, there were a lot more people there and we were able to get our tickets (we had already paid for them, but had to exchange an emailed voucher for the actual ticket).  We still had over an hour before we could get on the train, but at least we were positive we were in the right place now.

The train wasn’t luxury by any means, but is was very nice for how cheap it was.  Our room had 4 bunk beds in it and nice thick comforters.  It was three of us and a random guy in our room.  Louise was on another car because she had bought her ticket later.  The guy in our room was very nice, spoke great English and was very respectful.  He owned one of the first guide companies in the area we are going to and goes back and forth between Hanoi and Sapa often.  I don’t sleep well in new places so I didn’t get a ton of sleep, but it was pretty comfortable overall.  This is the first time I’ve taken a sleeper train anywhere so that was cool.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Mae Rim

Today Annalise and I did a tour.  Our driver took us up to Mae Rim, an area North of Chaing Mai.  The first place we went to was an elephant camp where you can ride elephants.  There is big controversy about animals used for tourist purposes and I have very mixed feelings about it myself.  Annalise is against it so we decided to do the bamboo raft ride.  It was wonderful.  It was beautiful and relaxing and just what I needed after being sick.  We got to see the elephants with riders in the water which was magical.  After that we did a zip line tour.  This was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen.  We zipped over an amazing river and never saw any signs of civilization other than the zip course.  The next stop was an orchid farm.  A lot of the world’s orchids are grown in Thailand so it was neat to see a farm.  I took so many photos that I will post them in a separate blog that you only have to look at if you are into orchids.  The next stop was Tiger Kingdom where you can pet tigers.  I really want to pet a tiger, but if they really are drugged or mistreated, I’m going to feel that and I don’t want to feel that.  So, I went back and forth and finally decided to tell the driver not to stop.  So, we went to the snake farm.  They rushed us into the snake show.  The audience was made up of about 20 Thai women.  The snake guy had a king cobra out and there was loud rock music playing and a lady on the microphone telling us to come up and take a picture.  There was no getting out of it.  We had to take pictures with the snake behind us and if I wasn’t close enough I had to scooch closer and take the picture again.  The show went on with Thai cobras and other snakes.  The lady on the microphone was so funny and with everything the snakes did the Thai audience squealed, screamed, and ran to higher seats.  All of it was extremely entertaining.  The next stop was the monkey school.  The second we walked in I felt horrible.  There was a monkey show where the monkey swam for money, rode a bike, picked coconuts and did other stuff.  The place had a horrible feel to it and I couldn’t wait to leave.  Now I’m real glad I didn’t do the Tiger thing.  I think it would have upset me as much if not more.

Later I went to a night market by myself.  It was like I remembered Chaing Mai from years ago, but with way more people.  I wandered through back streets looking at tons of hand made goods.  I stopped at a row of chairs and got a leg/foot massage.  Of in the distance I could hear drums being played.  There were pretty lights in the trees and I just watched the people go by. It was very peaceful.  After my massage, I followed the sound of the drums and found a temple all lit up.  There were a lot of people at the temple and the drummers were out front.  The ordination hall of this temple was all in silver metal which I haven’t seen before.  They had color changing lights shining on it so it kept changing it’s color.  Then they announced that the candle lite ceremony would start in 5 minutes so I bought a pack (candle, incense and offering flower).  They turned off all the lights, the drumming stopped and the monks came out and lit candles.  Then everyone walked around the ordination hall 3 times in silent meditation.  Then you put the candles in holders and put the incense, flower and any further donation you wanted to at the altar.  It was mostly foreigners, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a special occasion, but something they do to make money making the foreigners feel like they happened on something special.  But, it worked, it was a unique experience and I’m glad I happened upon it.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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I really like the feel of Chaing Mai and I could see myself living here for a while.  I keep thinking back to my meeting with the placement person at Xploreasia and wondering why when I told her I wanted to live in Chaing Mai, she said “No you don’t”.  I remember liking this city when I was here in 2006.  It’s gotten busier and waaaaaaay more touristy, but I like it.  I think I would have liked being placed here.  I think I had an idea in my head before moving to Thailand and it was to experience living in a different culture, but to also be an xpat doing xpat things.  But, in Sam Ngao, I don’t feel like an xpat.  I feel like that odd, tall foreign woman.  Just wandering around Chaing Mai I realize, this is what I pictured in my head before coming here.  I wonder if I would like living here or I just think so because it seems to match the picture I had in my head.

I went to the 3D Art Museum with Annalise and a girl she met on the train.  So there are a ton of photos from that.  A lot of them came out kinda blurry, but I posted some of the fun ones below anyway.

Tonight we went to a dance and dinner show at the Chaing Mai Old City Cultural District.  It was a pretty evening.  The dancing went on a little longer than I would have liked, but the food and the atmosphere were both great.  They had traditional Thai dancing as well as traditional Hill Tribe dancing.  The dresses for most of the Thai dancing were so beautiful.  The dances were all pretty slow and included movement of the feet and arms, but little else.  It was fascinating to see how little the heads moved.  Their smiles all looked fake and there was no change of expression through out the dance.  It was as if their heads were not part of them or they were vacant.  It looked like they were dolls.  I found this fascinating and disturbing all at the same time.  The hill tribe dances were similar except there was no smiling which made them look bored.  I wonder what this cultural thing is where the head is not present.

I’d like to write more, but I can barely stay awake.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Thai Cooking

Annaliese wanted to take a Thai cooking class while in Chaing Mai and I really enjoyed the one I took in Mae Sot.  I didn’t realize it was an all day class until last night.  That seems like a little too much, but I was already signed up.  It was a fun day.  They picked us up from our hotels and took us to a market and showed us some of the most common sauces we would need. They taught us the difference between sticky rice and non sticky rice.  Then the took us to the cooking school which is on an organic farm.  That was delightful.  The place was beautiful.  We each made 5 different typical dishes.  The teacher was so high energy and funny.  It was a little too long, but I’m glad we did this class instead of a shorter one somewhere else.  Not a long blog today – sooooo tired.  Here, look at the pretty pictures.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Coconut Milk Soup

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Spring Rolls
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Red Curry
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Chicken with Basil
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Bananas in Coconut Milk