Large Candles

On July 15, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

This week has just been frustrating. I’m very annoyed about the whole thing where I was told I needed to go to Mae Sot on a weekend and then I find out I could have gone last week. I’m not sure why I can’t let it go. Then Wednesday this week, Pat asks if I want to go to Mae Sot with her, Robin and the Director. They have to go to renew his visa. I asked why I had to go last weekend if I could have gone this week. I got the whole story again about how Robin’s visa is different and the Director has to be there in person to sign paperwork. That didn’t answer my question and now I’m more annoyed than before. I really wanted to go because they were going to turn it into an entire day of sight seeing, but I have way too much work to do and don’t see how I can get it done if I go. So, I stayed and worked all day Thursday. I’m all caught up on lesson plans except one so that is good.

But I still have to do a curriculum and syllabus. On Monday I was told that the curriculum I did was the country standard and couldn’t be changed. Well, then why did you tell me to change it? Then I have to do another curriculum. And Pat will ask the lady for the correct other curriculum which is the one I can’t change anyway. I asked for an example and she just told me to pick a few things from the country standard and then put in my curriculum. You might as well have said “lakjoiy lslieyhh” as that would have made just as much sense. Later in the week Pat sent me an example, but I’m avoiding opening the email as I’m just not ready to deal with it yet.

The day before exams, Pat asked me to change the cover sheet of my exam because it had the wrong information on it. I looked at it. It was the right grade, but not the cover sheet I created and had someone else’s signature on it. Then I looked inside and it wasn’t the test I created. I told Pat it wasn’t my test and she and I just looked at each other blankly. I was told the correct test showed up later. I assume I have to grade exams too, but no one gave me the finished exams so I don’t know how or when that will happen. I probably should have asked about them, but if I got some cryptic answer that had nothing useful in it, I just might break my contract and never come back from the upcoming long weekend.

On Sunday Noi had told me that on Tuesday afternoon we would go to local temples to give the big candles to the monks. I had no idea what that meant. Pat failed to tell me about this until an hour before. I chose to go with Noi’s group. It was 6 teachers and about 8 students in our group. We went to two temples. The students had bought giant yellow candles, put them in pails and decorated the pails. They also had money donations in an envelope.

At the first temple we had to wait because the monk was bathing. I found that odd, but ok. A temple cat came up and decided to lay next to me and then scratch Noi. So, that was my entertainment as we waited. Finally when he came out they presented the candle, there was a lot of chanting and bowing and conversations I didn’t understand. Then he asked who owned the pink motorbike and one of the students said he did. The monk directed him to wash it and himself in holy water. I gathered all this by what happened not that I could understand what they were saying. He took a cup of water from a big wooden cask and splashed it all over his motorbike and then himself. Then later Noi filled me in that the monk had seen a bad spirit standing behind the bike while they were chanting. The spirit was gone, but the bike and it’s driver needed to be cleaned with holy water to keep it from coming back. Fascinating. When you sit in a temple you have to have your feet pointing away from the Buddha and monk so you either sit on your knees or you sit on one side with your legs folded under you and feet pointing behind you. Usually on a marble floor. Well, we had been there so long, I could barely stand when it was time to leave. My legs had cramped up completely. This being devout is hard work. The second temple was just as interesting. It was in a very poor part of town. Seeing all the farmer’s houses makes mine look like luxury. The temple was ornate and pretty, but another building (ordination hall?) next to it looked run down and in bad need of a new paint job and a weed whacker. Noi kept asking me “Isn’t this temple just beautiful”? This was similar to the other temple in that we waited awhile for the monk then there was chanting and bowing and talking. This one there were two opalescent vessels with water that two of the teachers poured into matching bowls while all the students and teachers touched each other’s shoulders or arms to form a chain from one vessel to the other. More chanting and bowing. More cramped legs. Even though I don’t understand and probably wouldn’t believe if I did understand, I love this part of living in Thailand. I love seeing how others live and worship.

After the temples, we took one of the students home and then went to the house of a lady Noi knew. The lady had such a kind energy to her. We picked longan from her longan farm. Oh, and there were cows on the road – once again proving my theory that it makes you happy to see cows walking along the road.

Thursday night I went to get a pedicure. I went back to the only lady in Thailand that didn’t try to take my toenails off completely. While I waited her young son (4 years old?) tried to have a conversation with me. It was cute even though I told him I didn’t speak Thai, he kept trying. Then when I sat in the chair he pulled up the stool, sat down and pulled the cart up with all the pedicure tools and polish in it as if he was going to do my pedicure. One of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.

I got to have dinner with Tip. Reading lessons for her daughter turned into pouting and then when Ging and her daughter came over all was lost. I ended up teaching English to Tip and Ging again. It was nice to get to spend some time with them.

This weekend is a 5 day weekend. My friend Andy is visiting from Singapore so I’m going to meet him in Chiang Mai and we are going to Pai. Noi asked me to go spend 2 days with her family doing fun water things up at another dam. It turns out that’s the day Andy leaves so I’m out the money for a hotel room for one night, but it sounds fun and I’m excited to meet her family. She will pick me up in Chaing Mai and take me to the dam and then bring me home after.

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20160712_163811 — safe enough construction

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Tak

On July 10, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

The trip back from Mae Sot was boring. There were no more open seats for Green Bus so I was told to wait and I could take another bus and pay on the bus. I wasn’t happy about this as I didn’t want to ride a janky bus in the mountains. I debated trying to get a taxi to the station where the minivans pick up. Then a minivan pulls up and they tell me to get in. It took me, for free, to the minivan station. Ha! You’d think I’d learn by now that it will just magically happen. The minivan to Tak cost 78 baht ($2.20). Thai people’s systems for remembering things, getting around, and keeping everything organized are crude and basic, but they work. If we tried to operate this way in America, the whole country would fall apart.

To make up for how easy that was, the Tak bus station was not easy. No one would sell me a ticket. They kept pointing to the next ticket sales window and saying stuff. One lady told me to sit down and 1:00. So I waited in the bus station for 2 hours, completely lost to what was going on. Then at 5 til 1:00 I got up and went back to the lady that told me to sit down. We went back to the pointing to other windows game. I tried to look as clueless and helpless as possible. Finally she pointed to a bus. I went to it and the other window lady looked at me like she was annoyed I wanted to get on the bus. Then she said 30 baht and let me on the bus. I could have sat there all day and never gotten help.

Noi picked me up from the bus and took me to lunch and then home. After that I got a massage and it was the guy which is good. It was so painful. My calves and hamstrings are a little better, but you might as well take my shoulders off an throw them away because they aren’t working right anymore. He showed me stretches to do. It wasn’t new information, they were stretches I already knew, but it was a huge “…..duh….. I should be doing stretches every day”. So, a new resolve to do stretches every day.

Here’s a couple of cool photos of the market when it’s empty. It looks abandoned and you would assume no one uses it anymore, but come Tuesday and Friday evenings, this is full of people, food and other things to buy.

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Buddha Skin

On July 9, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

My hotel had breakfast included. I probably can stop looking for that as a bonus when I book a hotel. No hotel in Thailand is going to get American breakfast right. It was edible, but not good. I should just embrace the way the rest of the world eats breakfast and eat what looks like dinner, but I’m too conditioned and still can’t do it yet. Chicken and rice for breakfast isn’t what I want. Still, it was nice to not have to go walking in the rain looking for breakfast.

After breakfast I got a taxi to the border. The border is a bridge over the river with a large archway building at either end of the bridge – Thai Immigration on the east side and Myanmar immigration on the other side. So, technically, I could get my passport stamped as departing, walk across the street and get my passport stamped as arriving. But, I decided to spend the morning in Myanmar, see some temples, see a fence with lions on top of it, and have lunch.

It was barely raining as I crossed the bridge and stood in the middle over no country. I noticed boats full with people on either side of the river so it doesn’t look like border patrol is very strict. Most people walk over the bridge like I did, but there were a few cars going over as well. Most of the traffic was large semi trucks delivering stuff back and forth, or small pickup trucks with more stuff than a semi. I had read that it was easy to get a taxi on either side. I had also read about a pagoda not far from the border and some more temples a little farther into Myawaddy. I got to Myanmar Immigration and they asked why I didn’t have a visa. I didn’t think I needed a visa. He asked how long I was staying. I said a few hours. For 500 baht ($14) I can go in for a few hours. They kept my passport. I didn’t mind paying 500 baht, but I didn’t like walking away from my passport. I didn’t see any taxis. I saw tons of people just standing around and there were a bunch of vans and motorbikes. Nothing identified any of them as taxis and I assume there is no such thing as an official taxi here. I think if you have some spare time and anything that slightly resembles a vehicle you are a taxi driver. I felt very out of place and quite uncomfortable. I almost just turned around there and ran back to Thailand. Basically Myanmar looked like a slightly dirtier version of Thailand with more men in skirts. Some people asked where I was going and I said I wanted to go see the pagoda. They quoted me some price in Burmese money, but I had no interest in changing money for the small amount of time I would be there. I asked if they would take baht and they said 400 baht. In Thailand it would cost 20 baht to go a few blocks and I knew one of the pagodas wasn’t that far away. So, I told them they were crazy and kept walking. I found the pagoda within 5 minutes. I wandered around and took some photos.

Then I walked back to the main street. At this point, I thought maybe I should just skip the original plan and go back to Thailand now. I didn’t feel like walking all over this dirty town in the rain. I didn’t see one place I would feel safe eating in so I wasn’t staying for lunch. Then I ran into a guy with a strange motorized cart like thing that wanted to be my taxi and tour guide. It was like a cross between a tractor, a motorbike, a backwards trailer, and a wheelbarrow. He said 3 wats (temples) 300 baht. That seemed a little high, but a much better deal than the last guy. Plus, it was this or go back and I really wanted to ride in the wheelbarrow death trap thing.

The first wat was the one I had just come from, go figure. I tried to explain that, but just ended up saying “Wat 2” until he got it and took off for wat 2. I had read about the crocodile wat on line, but it was still shocking to see a giant alligator with a temple on it’s back. There was a pavilion with 20-30 life sized dioramas of different Buddha stories. It was the definition of creepy. There was a huge gong in the middle of the pavilion. I could barely hold the mallet. Then there was a huge hall that we went in. There was a shrine at one end of the hall with all sorts of disco led lights behind a Buddha. I didn’t stay long. The temple on the alligator was closed.

At this point, it’s raining harder so I get my rain jacket out. And we go down dirt roads that this vehicle should not go down, but I don’t see how this adventure would be complete without bad roads. On to wat 3. I had read about this one too. It was called standing Buddha. There was a pagoda, a large hall and a very very large standing Buddha. The guy who was working at the temple (not a monk) wanted to show me everything in the temple underneath the towering Buddha and in the hall. He pointed out all the many statues made of marble and all the shiny gaudy things in the temple. The hall also had a shrine at one end with disco lights. There was an ornate gold thing with a magnifying glass in front of it that he was so excited to show me. Encased in glass encased in gold with some disco lights in the background was a piece of Buddha skin. You had to use the magnifying glass to see it. Scientifically, I don’t see how this is possible, but now I can say I saw Buddha’s skin. That’s it – what more could you possibly want to see in Myanmar? Buddha Skin – my adventure here is complete.

I’m now soaked and hungry and done with this adventure. I just want to go back to Thailand. I’m not even going to try to mime lion topped fence. I already gave up on lunch. But no, there’s a 4^th wat that I don’t want to see, but I have to. It’s another pagoda and there’s a giraffe and other animal statues. Now it’s 400 baht. After that I get him to take me back to the border. He pulls up to the border and starts saying something that I think is some explanation of why I should pay him more. I paid him 400 baht and walked off as he was still talking. It was no issue getting my passport back or getting back into Thailand. Whew. I got a taxi back to my hotel for 50 baht and my hotel is a 20 minute ride away. Myanmar is a country that is trying to get back on it’s feet after such a long road of war, government corruption, poverty and other horrors. It has a desperate feeling and it appears it has a ways to go.

I went back to the café I took the cooking class at in February. I remember the food being so good and the tea garden being cozy and comfortable. I walked in and caught the eye of a very cute very young man who was working at the table next to mine. We chatted off and on during my lunch. I learned that Isaac had worked in Phuket for a while and now was wandering around Thailand. I did some engineering work. After a couple hours I left. I wanted to go find an art studio I had read about on line. Art studio and Thailand – the two words don’t seem to go together. I haven’t seen any art, much less a studio where you could work or take classes. They have pottery, batik, and drawing. I went looking for a taxi as it was a 30 minute walk. Near the market, I found a few motorbike taxi stands. I asked the first one and he didn’t know where it was, refused to look at a map and then refused to talk to me. So I went to the next stand, but they wouldn’t talk to me at all since they saw that the first guy wouldn’t take me. Once again, I wonder where the “Thai people are the nicest people in the world” concept comes from. Well, a 30 minute walk won’t kill me and might do me some good. So, google maps and I set off to the Puzzle Box Art Center. A couple minutes later a very large motorcycle / dirt bike pulls up in front of me with a smiling Isaac on it asking if I wanted a ride. The bike was so tall, I barely got on it. Now, I’m not a girl that has a thing for men on motorcycles – I couldn’t care less, but I have to say, this bike was awesome and I very much enjoyed my ride to the Puzzle Box. Far better than a typical Thai motorbike taxi driven by an old man.

The Puzzle Box was a neat little art studio. If I ever get back to Mae Sot, I will definitely sign up for a class. I asked about the possibility of working there in the future. They don’t have enough money to hire anyone, but if I could do training for their staff, it might be possible, but then it would only be a short term thing. They also gave me the name of an art company in Chiang Mai that they may partner with in the future for funding reasons. It’s a long shot, but maybe I could work there for a month or two in the future. I miss creating very much.

I set off back for the hotel. I didn’t see one taxi on the 40 minute walk back. I kept expecting to see Isaac drive up, but he didn’t. The walk was more than I expected. Normally, a 40 minute walk would be nothing, but since I haven’t been exercising lately, I was tired out by the time I got to the hotel. A massage and dinner and I was done. I got to watch HBO at the hotel. I haven’t seen a movie in forever – that was actually a wonderful way to end the day.

20160709_094509 — Thai Customs and Immigration

20160709_094841 — Walking on the bridge from Thailand to Myanmar

20160709_095058 — Notice boats on either side of the river

20160709_095256 — I don’t think anyone in Myanmar can afford designer water – what is designer water?

20160709_095358 — Myanmar Border Control

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20160709_154004 — Mae Sot looks clean in comparison

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To Mae Sot

On July 8, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

The drama of the day is who will drive me to the highway to catch the bus. I had asked Noi to drive me after class and she said she would. Then Pat told me the school driver would take me because Noi had to be in a meeting. Noi said she had plenty of time to take me. So it became up to me to decide. Oh jeeze. I decided to go with the school driver. Pat seems so stressed lately, I think she might implode. I don’t want that.

I had to leave school at 3:00 since my bus is at 4:30, which means I get to sit at the side of the highway for over an hour. I don’t understand, but this whole thing is ridiculous already so I just went with it. The bus was late so I ended up sitting on the side of the highway for 2 hours. This is why you never go anywhere without a book to read. I got stared down by a stray dog for at least a half hour of this time. The bus ride was ok except that the road from Tak to Mae Sot is terrifying. It’s full of steep switchbacks. There’s construction going on. There are huge drop offs to nowhere. There are tons of construction vehicles and large double semi-trucks taking stuff to the border. Most of the semis struggle going uphill which makes the bus driver go around them, pulling blindly into possible oncoming traffic. The bus driver seemed to have a mission to make up for being late. I’m not sure how the bus wasn’t struggling with the hills, but it didn’t. It must have turbo drive or nitrous or magic. There are lines on the road to tell you where to drive, but he didn’t see them, maybe because he was going so fast. He road down the centerline a lot and spent quite a bit of time on the shoulder very close to the edge to nowhere. But, now I’m safe in Mae Sot. My hotel room is nice and I’m waiting for a burger, fries with ranch dressing and a milkshake. Yes, ranch dressing – I’m quite excited.

20160708_182000 — See that pavement, that’s the part of the road we should be driving on

20160708_182047 — Some serious dedication to farming

20160708_183409 — We are supposed to be on the other side of that yellow line

20160708_221016 — No one is getting into my hotel room…..

Rainy Season

On July 7, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Today two of my three classes were canceled. I completely could have gone with Noi to Mae Sot. That just refueled my being annoyed. I’m not quite sure why this annoys me so much. What part of me can’t just let go? It serves no purpose to be annoyed.

Today after school it was raining real hard. I don’t mind a little rain, but this was intense. So I figured I had 3 options. 1. I could go get my umbrella and walk home. 2. I could go get my umbrella and ride my motorbike home. That’s the way the Thai teachers would do it. I’m not quite sure I could pull off driving a motorbike with one hand and holding an umbrella with another with a purse and a computer bag throwing off my balance. 3. I could wait and see if the rain stopped or let up to a reasonable amount. So, I chose option 3. Then I saw all the minivans driving up to the school to get the students. Usually they wait outside school for the students. And all the students not riding minivans came running out heading for their motorbikes. Ok, so I hadn’t thought of option 4 – Fuck It just run! I got bored of waiting and walked home. The rain never let up until sometime in the night. I was supposed to go to Ging’s house for coffee, but I had to cancel as I now didn’t have the time and didn’t think riding my motorbike in that much rain was safe.

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Border Hop

On July 6, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’m really annoyed. I need to do a border hop every 3 months, leave the country and come back in in order to keep my visa valid. Pat told me the school won’t take me to Mae Sot to do my border hop, that I had to do it on my own time on a weekend. Then when Noi found out what I was doing this weekend she asked why I didn’t ask to have the school driver take me. I told her that I was told I had to do it on my own time. She didn’t believe me and insisted that the school driver could take me. Then she said I should have told her. She’s going to Mae Sot on Thursday to take students for a field trip and I could have gone with her. How was I supposed to know that? I already booked and paid for a hotel. Then I find out Robin has to do his border hop next week and the school is only taking him because he has a different visa than me and has paperwork the School Director has to sign at the immigration office. Why couldn’t I have gone with them? I’m trying to tell myself it will be fun to get to a bigger city for a weekend, but it’s not working. I’m just annoyed. Pat said she’d call and order my bus ticket, but every time I ask her about it, she acts like I’m asking her to drive the bus herself. She’s so busy and this is such an imposition. She offered and I’m paying for all of this myself so that I may stay in the country three more months to work for them. How am I the bad guy in all this?

I’m almost caught up on lesson plans for next week and Pat comes to me with a task to write the curriculum for the MEP (Mini English Program). This will be submitted to Bangkok and will determine if they get to have the MEP program next semester. What? How am I qualified for creating a document for school policy and programming? This is a job for school administration or the head of the language department. She gave me an example another school wrote. I pretty much rewrote a couple sections and reformatted it since it was so badly formatted it didn’t fit on the pages. But, it took up all of my free time the rest of the week. Next I have to create a class syllabus, but I have no idea what that entails or what it should look like. It’s half way through the semester and now I have to create the syllabus for what I’m going to teach? I guess half of it will be easy since I’ve already taught it. I’m pretty sure “I’m going to wing it and hope that what I decide to teach is new and useful information since I have no idea what they already know or what the country would like for me to teach them” is not a good syllabus description. So, I’ll have to come up with something for the second half.

My monk class is so much work to prepare for and by the time school is done, I’m exhausted and I don’t want to do it. But, it always ends up being fun and the looks on everyone’s faces makes it more fun. They are really enjoying learning English. Ging has decided to join the class. She made me dinner tonight and brought it to me at class. That was so nice and so much better than what I was going to try to scrounge up at home since my refrigerator is almost empty.

The scary part of the evening

On July 5, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

It is now the scariest part of the evening. It’s time to go to bed and I’ve been sitting in my somewhat safe room most of the evening. Now I have to go downstairs with just a headlamp to use the bathroom one more time. I’m sure something will jump out from under the stairs or reach up and grab me as I’m going down. Nothing ever does. Then almost as scary is the flicker of the florescent light as it tries to come on. It’s like a bathroom disco. Then I do the snake check before entering the bathroom. No snakes? It might be safe to go. Whew…. back safe in my room.

Dis-identification

On July 5, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Not much new. Lesson plans, teaching, market, too tired in the evening to do anything, sleep, repeat.

So, I leave you with another Almass quote that I read today. I’m having more and more moments of feeling fuzzy and feeling like nothing is quite real. I think this is dis-identification of the body. So, of course, this chapter has perfect timing, again.

“We are continuously concerned about what happens to the body – about whether the body is comfortable or not, whether the body is getting what it wants or not. Is the body getting comfort and pleasure, or is it in pain? Is it secure from threat? Is the body liked or not liked? Is it thin or fat? Tall or short? All these are big concerns in our minds. Our deepest issues are based on physical concerns, rather than concerns about whether we are loving, compassionate, or free. Even though we might have these latter concerns, they are not as fundamental as our involvement with our physical body and our physical world”.

Oh, and random photos, I leave you with random photos.

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The Weekend

On July 3, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Friday by the end of school, I was not ahead on lesson planning. Oh well. I went over to Tip’s to help Fai with reading. She’s not too interested in reading, but I think some of it is starting to stick. And she made a great effort at it. But, she got bored quickly. The rest of the evening was spend going through flash cards with Tip and Ging. Then Ging whispered to me that she loves (really loves) The Voice USA. It was one of the cutest things I ever saw. So we spent the next hour looking up performances on the show The Voice. I had no idea there was a Thai version of the show too. I imagine there are different shows in different countries. It was a fun evening. It was nice to not be doing lesson plans or working on other stuff. It was nice to just relax and spend time with my friends.

So, the final paperwork for the sale of my house cannot be signed electronically. I’m annoyed that this other realtor is involved much less in charge of the paperwork and it’s her title company that is the problem. So, I had to call my lawyer and get her involved. A few emails later and it appears to be a big drama. Why can’t this go smoothly. So, Friday evening after I got home I had said I’d call my lawyer. I anticipated that she was going to tell me everything that was wrong with the current situation and that I had to fire the rental company and get the buyer to ditch his realtor, none of which I’m sure is possible. So, I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that it doesn’t have to be drama and it doesn’t have to be difficult. This could go smoothly. She’s not happy about the rental company and the realtor being involved, but she’s a smart lady and knows how to deal with this situation. She summarized her concerns and I told her mine and it’s all in her hands now. No drama. Not difficult.

Yesterday was a full day of lesson planning, but it’s all done for next week so that’s good. I’m not as ahead as I’d like to be, but I’m not as far behind as other weeks! It was massage day too. It was so painful, but maybe, just maybe slightly less than in the past.

Last night I went to dinner with the other Westerner in town. He suggested the restaurant at the golf course. I had never eaten there so I was happy with that. It’s not a ton different than any other restaurant in town. The staff was doing karaoke when I got there and there was only one table of people eating. One lady was so excited to see me and try to help me. She was in my face in a second and it was quite uncomfortable, actually. I tried to explain that I wanted to eat so she gave me a menu and asked what I wanted. What I wanted was to sit down and wait for Robin and then eat there. She didn’t seem too concerned with getting me a table or chair to sit in (there were no tables or chairs in the restaurant at this time) just concerned with whether I wanted pork or chicken. I tried to explain that I wanted to sit and wait for my friend. It took awhile, but she got it and tried to give me a table in the rain. Then found another table and chairs when I shook my head at sitting in the rain. Then Robin arrived and everyone there knew him and they were all excited to see him. All through dinner, the one lady kept coming up and trying to talk to us. I had no idea what she was saying and Robin knew about half of what she was saying. It was obvious to me that she thought we were on a date even after Robin explained that we worked together. I’m twice his age and he has a girlfriend that the lady has met. It was nice to have dinner with someone and to have conversation, but overall, I found the whole situation awkward and I’m not in a huge hurry to go back there.

Today I did some shopping and engineering work. Nothing exciting, but not lesson planning!

20160703_114232 — Sugar Overload (waffle, syrup, banana, ice cream and whipped cream)

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Recent Investigations

On July 3, 2016July 27, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Lately my spiritual investigation is about living in the future. I find myself thinking about the future a lot. When I’m living in the future, I’m missing now. When your house scares you and your job overwhelms you it’s easy to assume the future will be better and to think about that. But, then that adds stress too because I have no idea what I’m going to do in the future and I feel like I should have a plan since it’s only a few months away. I can’t stop it from happening – my mind jumping to the future, but I can notice it when it happens. Just the practice of noticing is helping me to bring my attention back to now. I don’t want to miss all that is going on now. I’ve been able to relax more. I’ve been able to enjoy what I do like about here more. I want to spend more time with my friends here and more time exploring Thailand before I have to leave. And of course, I want to spend more time everyday present instead of in the future. I already spend a lot of my time in presence, but little bit by little bit, it’s more time spent in presence.

Hand in hand with the future is the need for a to-do list. I’ve always used a to-do list to keep things in order. If I didn’t, I’d forget so much or I’d drive myself nuts trying to not forget. I learned a long time ago that if I kept a to-do list I could relax more. When I set out on this adventure one of the things I so looked forward to was not having a to-do list. If I didn’t have a social life, an engineering job, and the the busy life I had in the US, the to-do list would disappear. I would teach and in the evenings I’d read or sit and watch life happen. The to-do list followed me here and it’s as long as it ever was. There’s a lot to do to get my furniture out of my house, sell my house, deal with the car drama, make hotel reservations for next weekend, research how to get a book published, research possible jobs for the future, lesson planning, engineering work, this blog, laundry, cleaning, cooking, call mom, and on and on. The list may be even longer because I don’t have much free time. On one hand the list helps me not worry as much about the future. On the other hand, it is the future. Tricky…..

Movement helps. I’m trying to find the time for conscious movement every day. I try to get massage at least once a week too. My fingers are still feeling numb. I’m wondering if it is my diet or if I have some nerve damage from something. No clear answer on that yet. Massage is still so painful, but I think it’s getting slightly better. Reading Almass helps the most though. He still has a way of writing a long time ago exactly what I needed to write today. He might as well be sitting across from me when I read his books. I can’t read a whole chapter in one sitting because half way through a chapter I am no longer able to understand words. My thinking brain no longer works and I am just here. Nothing else.

Here are a couple Almass quotes that I liked this week. In what I’m reading now he’s talking about how we take the physical world we see to be reality. It’s not. It’s all concepts in our mind and we’ve taken it to be reality. Reality is more than just the physical world. And as long as we believe that we are our bodies and our thoughts and the only thing that exists is the world we see, then we are missing reality.

“Reality is so mysterious, so amazing, so magical, that seeing it is bound to change us and change our lives. Knowing what is real, we can’t continue to live in the same way”.

“Our belief in the fundamentalness of physical reality remain solidly entrenched in our souls. In any authentic spiritual work, this conviction must eventually be confronted, shaken, and dismantled. It must be shattered before we can perceive totally, completely, what is actually there”.

I feel like I’m in the middle of this shattering. My body is holding on to being all there is to reality so tightly that all my muscles are so tight. If I give up on the physical world being reality, I fear that it won’t exist at all. Part of me knows this isn’t true, but the part that has that fear is what is in the process of shattering.

	eaglegenuinec87d1476… on Going Home
	delicately4f6d967f14 on Going Home
	delicately4f6d967f14 on Icebergs
	delicately4f6d967f14 on ATV Tour
	eaglegenuinec87d1476… on Kluane

Rraine Drops

Month: July 2016