Author: rrainefiore

Thoughts

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yesterday I got a body scrub.  It’s the first time I’ve felt clean in over a week.  I just am hot and sweaty all the time in Sam Ngao and I don’t feel like I’m really getting clean when I shower only to be sweating 3 minutes later.  Then Wednesday I didn’t have any water at the house so there was no shower to be had.  I had some coffee shop time, some pool and read Game of Thrones time and I did some coloring in my new Under the Sea coloring book.

I tried Tinder again.  Made some matches and chatted with a few guys.  I was hoping to meet someone to have dinner with, but didn’t.  I posted about it on facebook and got a bunch of replies cheering me on or telling me how to Tinder better.  At some point it just seems like a lot of work and by the time I was hungry I was glad to go eat alone.  I need to move somewhere cooler.  I think the heat takes all my energy and motivation.  Of course, I’m also questioning all my thoughts and beliefs about ‘alone’ too since that has historically been my biggest issue.  In the past I would swing between craving a relationship and not wanting to be around any people.  Now it no longer feels like a swing with big highs or lows on either side.  It feels more like an electrical short.  One minute I want company and conversation, the next I want to sit alone, then another minute I’m completely indifferent.  It switches so quickly that it feels silly to make any plans because it’s going to change.  It switches quickly, but none of it has much emotional charge to it.  There’s no craving, no sadness, no longing, just a quickly changing preference.  Now if only that would happen with my opinion of the heat…..

Today has been uneventful – breakfast and more coloring.  I ventured out to explore more of Chaing Mai and then went and hid from the heat in a coffee shop.  Think I’ll try to explore more after I write this blog.  Or give up and go back to the pool.

So, those of you following how I find AH Almaas relevant to my journey, the rest of this is for you.  I know that I’m not seeing life correctly.  With this knowledge, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do.  There is no real basis for waking up with the dreads, not liking teaching, hating the heat or thinking I should be planning what is next.  The chapter I’m reading is talking about how the world we live in is all concepts in our mind.  “Even if our mental world is lonely, and we gain little pleasure from our experiences, our thoughts are familiar and give us an illusion of security and control that binds us to them. We may see no alternative to this way of understanding ourselves and our world.  Because we believe it’s reality.  How can we think of an alternative?  Even if we think of and long for freedom, we think of freedom within that world”.  He suggested a meditation where you observe your thoughts.  Not the content of the thoughts, don’t try to figure out what they mean, but just notice the thinking process.  When does the thought arise, when does it stop, how long is the gap before the next thought arises?  It doesn’t matter what the thought is about or how it makes you feel, just look at the strings of thoughts and gaps.  No need to do something or react to the thought, see it as thinking itself.  I’ve tried this a few times.  It’s interesting.  That’s all I’m going to say about it right now.  Try it and see for yourself.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore20160512_144023_resized

 

Most Expensive Notary Ever

On By rrainefioreIn Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

The US Consulate has the most expensive notary ever.  I got ripped off by my own country.  It cost me $50 to get a document notarized.  That was just what I paid the consulate.  If you add up bus tickets, hotel, taxis, scanning and mailing, it cost $94.

I must have watched too many spy movies.  I expected the US Consulate to be a big fancy building with a big gate and lots of important looking guards.  It’s a unassuming window with one unarmed guard standing outside a door.  A small sign above the window says American Consulate.  I’d post a picture, but I wasn’t allowed to take pictures of it.  I had to give up my phone and go through an xray screening thing, then wait in a room, then wait in another room.  Then a series of 3 more windows, one to check in for my appointment and hand over the paperwork I needed notarized and my passport.  The second window to pay $50.  Let me repeat, $50 to get a paper notarized.  At the third window, I signed the paperwork and got the notary stamp.  Then I got my phone back as I left.

I found a wifi shop and was able to get the document scanned so I could have a copy and could email a copy.  Then I found a post office to mail the original.  So, now my lawyer should have power of attorney to help me with the car lease that’s not being paid on time.  Hopefully this will be useful in the future when I sell the house too or I will have to go through this process again.

What to do next?

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

Broke Down Bus

On By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Wow, this was a long day.  I went to school in the morning to not teach.  It’s the first day of class for all the students.  The M1 and M4 students started Monday.  M2, M3, M5 and M6 started today.  Robin had to do his speech before the whole school at the morning assembly.  It reminded me of my first day which seems soooooo long ago, but really wasn’t.  Most of the day the younger students spent cleaning classrooms.  Since the school is open air with wood shutters to keep the jungle out, every room is a disaster.  They installed new glass doors on the classrooms in my building.  I’m not sure what purpose that serves since there still is no AC and the windows are still open.  The older students are in some school “camp”.  All I know is that a bunch of university students are here to help with the camp.  They spent most of the day in the all purpose room doing cheers – kind of like a pep rally.  I like listening to it, but I don’t get it.

During a conversation with Pat I told her about what a Rain Dance was and how we would joke that someone needs to do a rain dance when we need rain.  She told me they had something similar.  They put a cat in a cage, just one female cat.  Then do a parade with the cat.  They throw water at the cat to make it cry.  The cries of the cat will bring rain.  True Story!  http://www.thaiwaysmagazine.com/thai_article/2404_thai_tradition_festivals/thai_tradition_festivals.html

After lunch, Ging and her husband took me to the highway to catch the bus to Chaing Mai.  The lady selling tickets on the side of the highway was there, but she upgraded to a bigger table.  She wasn’t as friendly as before.  She asked if I wanted the 150 or 200 baht bus.  The 200 one is VIP.  I don’t know what that means, but since it’s only $1.50 more I decided VIP.  I should have done the cheaper one.  VIP did not mean working air conditioning or anything that resembled VIP.  I’ve heard that buses breaking down is a common thing that everyone will experience at some point.  Check.  Now I have that experience to check off.  The bus broke down about an hour into the trip.  So, we all stood on the side of the highway while the driver tried to fix the bus.  It smelled so bad of burnt rubber that it seems to me it is beyond repair.  Waiting didn’t bother me too much.  It was real hot and standing on the side of a highway is never fun, but I think it’s just looking at all the trash thrown everywhere that bothers me.  After a while, the bus attendant (every bus seems to have an attendant that checks tickets and lets you know when you get to your stop, etc) made an announcement I assumed was that another bus was coming.  She handed us prepackaged wet naps.  A warm wet nap didn’t do much to cool me off, but I gave it a try anyway.  Then I watched as most of the people threw the packaging on the ground.  Eventually another bus came and picked us up.  I wondered if this was the 150 baht bus.  The air con worked and a nice lady made her son get up to give me his seat so I didn’t have to stand.

After I checked into my hotel, I found a burger and a massage.  Exhausted.  I have to get up kind of early to go to the US Consulate to get a Power of Attorney notarized.  I’m looking forward to seeing what the US Consulate is like.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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How do they know which are theirs?
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Bus Ticket on the Side of the Highway Lady got a bigger table
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Broken Bus

Taste Test

On By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized1 Comment

Today I had to get up early to go to Tak to turn in my paper work and pay for my work permit.  Noi said she’d pick me up at 7:30. But didn’t come over until 8:00.  Not sure why I got up early.  Still, this woman is awesome so I was glad to have her taking me today.

At some point on the drive to Tak, she asks me what we do with our dead.  Huh? Yea, that’s what she asked.  So we spent quite a bit of time talking about funeral services, cremation and burial.  They spend several days praying with monks, 4 monks in the evening and 5 in the morning.  Then they cremate the body and take the bones back to the temple where they stay for something like 100 days.  Then there is more praying/ceremony with the bones.  Then the bones are thrown in the water (lake or river).  I’m sure I got most of that wrong, but that’s what I got out of the conversation.  I tried to explain to her that the ceremony and whether to bury or cremate in our country would depend on religion and nationality.  Thai’s don’t quite understand how big the US is and how many ethnic backgrounds live there.

We also talked about marriage.  She is teaching her students that in Western countries young single people may have many boyfriends or girlfriends (many relations), but when they get older and choose a husband or wife then they don’t have other relations.  She said it’s not like that in Thailand.  People get married and then have secret relations.  I told her it was the same in America.  She was surprised.  I tried to explain polyamory and then realized that was not a concept I could really explain.  She said the rate of divorce in Thailand is high and the rate of teenage pregnancy is the highest in Asean.  I told her we have the same issues in the US.  She said she won’t share this information with the students.

Getting the paperwork processed for a work permit is confusing and there is no way I could have gotten it done without Noi to ask questions and translate.  First they told me my passport visa was expired.  It’s not and it took quite a while to get them to understand that for my visa the 3 month clock starts each time I leave and come back into the country.  How do I know this, but they don’t?  Then they asked for my work permit.  This is where I would have left crying.  I am here to get my work permit so I don’t have a work permit to show you in order to get my work permit.  Somehow, this issue got resolved.  Then there was a lot of shuffling of papers, getting up to walk across the room to get a rubber stamp, stamping a page, getting up to go across the room to get something else, paper clipping the stack of papers, un clipping the papers, stamping another page with another stamp, white out, binder clip, new folder, paperclip, look over there – a squirrel, shuffle, get up, sit down.  Then I was handed the folder with all the papers and moved up stairs to pay.  After I paid, I had to bring the stack of papers back down.  I have a piece of paper now that says I’ll have a work permit in a week.

If all that wasn’t fascinating enough, watching my automatic reaction to all the stamps on her desk was amazing.  It’s a piece of crap plastic rubber stamp holder.  It has two tiers of rubber stamps and looks like it might tip over at any moment.  I am instantly annoyed by stamp holder and notice everyone has the same one on their desk.  But the fascinating part was how very badly I wanted to pick up each stamp and stamp them onto a piece of paper.  I have no idea what any of them say, but the need to stamp was almost more than I could bear.  I’m not quite sure how I held myself back.

After that we went to early lunch.  I thought of how hobbits have second breakfast, but she hasn’t seen Lord of the Rings so this concept was lost on her.  She asked what I wanted for lunch.  I wasn’t sure and asked what options I had.  Rice or noodles.  I kid you not, those are the only two options.  This is not the first time I have been given those two options.  I think this is how they decide to eat most days – rice or noodles and then some stuff on the side.  I chose noodles.  There were some baskets with stuff wrapped in banana leaves.  She asked if I had tried them, Thai Snack.  Who knows, I have tried lots of things wrapped in banana leaves now.  These are only made in Tak.  Well, then I probably have not tried them.  She bought one of each.  They were some gelatinous goo thing made of coconut.  One had nuts in it, one had corn and I have no idea what the other one had.  I didn’t like the corn one, the one with the nuts was the best.

We went to the market where she bought two bags of mangos.  There were some yellow and a lot of green.  The green ones all had different prices so they were different even though I couldn’t tell them apart.  I asked what the difference was.  She said she’d let me try them when we get back to Sam Ngao.  We found a store that sells the Thai triangle pillows.  I bought one and will use it in my house as a couch.  Very happy about this.

On the way back to school we stopped by Noi’s garden to get more mangos.  Then at my house we cut up three different mangos.  One is yellow and sweet.  One is green and very sour.  The other was green and not sour and not quite sweet.  This third one is the best.  Then she left me with a bag of mangos.

I went to school and sat around looking like I was doing stuff on my computer.  I got to meet Robin.  He’s another Westerner in town.  He’s in his 20s, from England and was working as an engineer at the dam for 5 months.  That job ended so now he’s going to teach math and science at the school for a few months.  After school I went over to Tip’s house.  We went to the market.  Thai’s put everyone on a scooter.  I’ve seen families of 4 on a scooter.  Today was my first experience of being one of three on a scooter where one is a small child.  I don’t like.  After the market I was taken to Ging’s house.  I wanted to go home so at some point I said goodbye to Ging.  I was going to walk three houses away to get my motorbike.  Ging wouldn’t let me and Tip brought my motorbike over.  What is this severe aversion to walking here?  It goes hand in hand with the need everyone has to have me sit.  The number of times I am told “Teacher, Sit” in a day is comical.  Standing doesn’t hurt you.  Walking is good for you.

In February it would get hot in the afternoon and after school, I would ride my motorbike somewhere just to create a breeze and cool down a little.  This strategy no longer works.  It is so hot that riding a motorbike only hurts.  Any exposed skin is hit with a burning hot breeze which feels like your skin is being ripped off.  So far, no actual skin has been damaged.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

Back to School

On By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I didn’t wake up with the dreads this morning.  What?  How is that possible?  I didn’t wake up excited to be awake, but still, no dreading life.  Cool.  Maybe because I figured it would be an easy first day back to work and it was.  I filled out some paperwork, printed some things, had a long lunch with some of the other teachers and went home early.  Only two grades started school today – the new ones starting M1 and M4 which has some returning students and a lot of new students.  The rest of the classes will start on Wednesday.

I was hoping to get a mat and some pillows to make a “couch”.  There was a store that Tip and Ging told me about that was closed yesterday.  Pat said she’d take me by it today after we ran some other errands. I don’t have anything too pressing to do so errands sound great.  We went and picked up Dam’s mother and took her to several stores and a market in Ban Tak.  Really, where was this town the whole month of February?  I’ve never heard of it and now I’ve been there twice in two days.  Dam’s mother doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak Thai, but we bonded over how hard it was to get in the tall truck  and over how hot it was.  We found a fan in the back seat and took turns fanning each other.  When we dropped her off, she grabbed my hand and just held it tight for a few seconds.  Then we went looking for the pillow store.  It either doesn’t exist or it was closed.

I still have a mouse in my bathroom.  I still don’t like this fact.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Shopping

On By rrainefioreIn Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Last night I went over to Tip’s house.  Ging was there too.  They think I should get an evaporative cooler.  They each have one or more in each room.  They helped me look for one on line.  Tip’s husband has a good idea of which ones are good and not.  He had two smaller ones they aren’t using.  He brought them in the room and set them up so I could check them out.  He asked if I would borrow one.  Hell yea!  They drove me home with my new best friend, R2D2.  He’s a round green evap cooler.  I slept a lot better last night than I have in awhile.  Then Ging said she’d take me to Ban Tak today to buy one for my own.

This morning Ging, her husband, Tip and the two little girls came to pick me up to go shopping.  We didn’t find an evap cooler that was of decent quality, but got some other things I needed.  Plus, I got to see where Ban Tak is.  It’s a bit bigger town than where I live.  It would be a bit of a drive on a motorbike, but do-able.  We went by Tip’s favorite coffee shop and I got to meet Boom, the owner who grows his own coffee.  He invited me to come visit his farm sometime.  At some point during the shopping, they got a look at my shopping list which is ridiculously long.  Ging’s husband is now on a mission to help me find everything.  So, after we went home and the little girls got to nap, Ging, her husband and her daughter picked me up again and took me to Tak in search of the rest of the stuff on my list.  I now have a printer, a new towel, and ironing board and some other stuff for the house.  I still want to set up a “couch” and have an idea of a mat and the Thai triangle shaped pillows.  The store that would have those was closed.  I want a external dvd player I can plug into my computer.  I have no freakin idea why I bought a computer with out a dvd player.  I blame Vietnam.  He’s going to let me borrow his until we can find one on line.

It was a full day of shopping and preparing for class tomorrow.  Ugggh, after 2 months off I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I can do this.  I can do this.

I went into the bathroom tonight to find a bunch of soil on the floor.  The water in the bathroom drains out a hole in the wall.  There’s a screen on the outside of the hole.  Or at least there was.  I suspect it’s gone now.  So, what dragged all that soil into my bathroom?  I looked behind the tub to find another mouse looking up at me.  Whaaaa

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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R2D2
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National flower of Thailand (on tree)?

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Typical – Beauty with Trash

Gardens

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I didn’t do much exciting today.  I spent a good part of it at the coffee shop.  I don’t think Thais hang out in coffee shops for hours the way we do so they probably think I’m nuts or wonder when I’m ever going to leave.  So, rather than spend the whole day there I tried to go shopping.

I don’t know why, but going into the stores around town makes me very uncomfortable.  I’m being stared at.  I don’t know what half the stuff I’m looking at is.  And if I have questions, forget it.  I feel uncomfortable at the market, but I like it.  I don’t like stores.  Weird.  So, shopping didn’t take up much time.  Now what do I do?

I chased the mouse around the bathroom quite a bit today.  Then tonight, found him dead.  The bathroom is mine again, well, not really.  There are probably 8 small geckos living in there and some bugs.  Why do jumping spiders live near the toilet?

I tried to find the orange house of the lady who made me promise to come visit her.  I didn’t find it.  There were a few peach colored houses and some cedar colored houses.  Too bad it wasn’t pepto bismol pink because there was only one of those and it was unmistakable or that equally obnoxious green house.

I went to the gardens up by the dam.  At some point the road has manicured lawns along it and beautiful landscape.  This makes me sad because I live in the woods and I want to live in a place with lawns and landscape.  So this brings up the question:  Why do certain things make us relax and others don’t when in reality, one isn’t better than the other?  I think it’s a combination of familiarity and programmed preferences.  The manicured lawns remind me of the US and of wealthier/nicer neighborhoods.  The woods I live in make me think of snakes, bugs and other crawly things.  There’s trash everywhere and it’s wild and uncared for.  Granted, I’d rather look at pretty flowers than trash in a pile of dead leaves, but it’s the way looking at one vs the other actually changes the way I feel, my emotions, my nervous system, my energy level.  The reality is one is not actually different than the other (except the trash), both are nature.  My friend Corina and I were discussing this the other day as we were comparing me trying to rid my house of mice and tokays and she had squirrels in her garage.  Somehow, the squirrels were not as bad as mice and tokays.  But in reality, what is the difference?  I also noticed this when I was in Vietnam and they drove on the “right” side of the road.  I felt my system relax a little.  I noticed this in Singapore too.  Everything is clean, people drive politely, there are gardens and art everywhere.  Why is planned landscape better than natural?  I think part of may be because of the intention that was put into creating a garden or art, but it’s still interesting how physical the reaction is, not just a simple “aw, I like that”.  And how automatic the reaction is that we may not even notice it enough to ask the question.  So, apparently I want to live a wealthier lifestyle and I’m drawn to the things that represent that to me.

I read some more of Diamond Heart Book 4.  I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s just amazing that whenever I read AH Almaas, he’s speaking directly to me as if he just wrote that chapter for me 5 minutes before I decided to read it.  This only happens EVERY time I read his books.  This time it was about how the problem is that we aren’t seeing correctly.  We aren’t seeing reality.  We are seeing concepts we learned a long time ago.  We are seeing concepts in our brains.  I was just talking about how I feel like I’m not seeing correctly.  And I think the previous paragraph fits into this as well.  Maybe I should read more Almaas and less Game of Thrones…….

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

 

Daylight

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, Uncategorized3 Comments

Daylight helps so much.  Nothing looks quite as dire during the day.  I woke up not happy, but not completely covered in bugs so that’s a plus.  I hardly slept at all last night.  It was so hot that I just laid in bed sweating trying to lay as close to the edge as I could so I got full effect of the fan.  I’m still amazed how much my face can sweat.  I noticed that I’m just holding all the stress of it all kind of like holding my breath, waiting until September.  I can’t hold my breath until September.  I can’t live like this that long.  I still don’t know how to let the holding go.  I tried to cry or get angry, but it’s not an emotional thing.  I’ve done that work for years.  Cognitively I understand that it’s an issue of seeing.  None of this looks the way I wanted it to.  The fairy tale I was fed as a child isn’t true.  No knight in shining armor is coming to save me.  I wanted a more comfortable life than this.  I wanted to live in a different culture, but in a city with expats I could be friends with and the ability to get around easier.  And then I wanted the next step in my process to present itself easily.  And some how money would appear and I’d live happily ever after.  It doesn’t look like that.  I need to see differently.  Last night as I typed that I was feeling broken, I thought maybe I need to be broken.  Maybe it’s like losing all that muscle I lost a few months ago, where I felt that I had to lose it all to start over.  Maybe I have to be broken, have everything I want not possible so I can let go of how it “should be” and really see.  Maybe it’s already happening.

The janitor came over and finished covering holes in my house.  There are so many he didn’t do because it would take a month full time to cover every hole, but I think we got the ones that mice and tokays could get through.  Speaking of mice, I found the one living in my bathroom.  We both chased him around for 5 minutes and then he disappeared.  Like magic.  I have no idea where he went.  So mind boggling.  There must be a secret trap door that only mice and frogs know about.

Now I’m sitting in the coffee shop  in air conditioning and wondering how they can actually get that much sugar to dissolve in a latte.  On my way here, I ran into one of the teachers, Pit.  I don’t know Pit’s actual title, but he’s kind of like an assistant principle.  He and one of the other teachers looked so happy to see me.  They both mentioned the air conditioning.  So, I will have air con in the future.  As usual, I’m not clear on the full content of the conversation, but I think the air con unit will be here on the 15th.

So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to try putting tags in my blog so that they are searchable by others.  Or at least, that’s what I think it will do.  I’m not sure because the whole thing about hashtags has me mystified.  I understand it makes things searchable, but I have no idea who is searching for some of the things I’ve seen hashtagged.  I have no idea how someone goes about searching.  And above all I have no idea why.  So, if you get a bunch of emails in the near future saying I updated a blog, sorry.  I don’t know if WordPress sends an email every time I make and update or only when I post a new blog. Also, if you have any good ideas of hashtags I should use, let me know.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Bugs

On By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

It rained and cooled down last night.  What a relief to be able to sleep.  I was able to sleep until 7:00am and toss and turn and complain until 8:30am.  Even though I was complaining, I was grateful that it wasn’t too hot and I could lay in bed and complain until 8:30.  I swept my bedroom floor this morning.  Even though it was cleaned the other day, it’s a disaster again – lots of bugs and mouse poop.  I swept the rest of the house too – same thing.  I just might have to sweep every day.

I worked on lesson plans at school.  I don’t like doing lesson plans especially when I have no curriculum or any idea what they are learning in the rest of their English classes.  I feel so unprepared and unqualified for this job.  The main office has air conditioning.  It doesn’t work real well, but my house is uninhabitable during the day so it was great.  I was there most of the day and got hardly anything done.  I don’t know what happened.  I feel like that most days.  Nothing gets done and I don’t know where the day went.  I think I move slower in the heat?  Maybe?  I blame the heat.

I went to the pool with Tip and her kids tonight.  Yay!  A pool!  You have to pay to get in the pool and the water was very warm, but I was covered in water so I don’t care.  I definately felt out of place as most people just stared at me and no one really smiled.  The pool is at the hotel.  We ate at the hotel restaurant after.  It reminded me of Laura, the missionary that use to live here.  She liked to eat at that restaurant.  I miss her.  My salad had lots of dead ants in it.  I picked out a ton before I just gave up and decided I wasn’t very hungry.  Tip asked what I was doing and I showed her the ants.  She didn’t seem too affected by it.  On the way home Tip asked how much money I make.  I wish I hadn’t told her.  I make more than a dentist makes.  Now I feel uncomfortable.

Several times today and quite a few times in the past I have heard scurrying sounds in my walls.  The janitor didn’t come to fix the rest of the holes today.  I know a mouse or tokay or both are living in the walls.  I don’t like this.  It’s ridiculously hot in my house so my only option is to sit in my bed with the fan on.  The fan only helps slightly.  It’s blowing very hot air on me, but I think that’s still better than no air flow.  I’m told if I want air conditioning I have to pay half.  I have no issue with that, but I wonder how long it will take to get it bought and installed.  I was told they have to fix the school cafeteria first.  I have no idea what that means.  I wish I had just agreed to it two months ago.  Maybe it would already be installed.  I don’t know what I was thinking, thinking I might be able to handle it with out air conditioning.

I have now shook out my sheets 3 times tonight.  I’m in the bug net, but my sheets are covered in bugs.  I suppose I’m covered in bugs.  I swept the bedroom floor again, but to no avail – the bottoms of my feet are now caked with dead bugs.

The company that is leasing my car is not making the car payments. This is ruining my credit.  The guy renting my house says he wants to buy it, but hasn’t made an offer so I need to decide if I’m putting it on the market or not.  I feel trapped.  If I come back to Colorado at the end of a year, I won’t be able to buy a car and I won’t have a house or I’ll have a house I can’t afford the payments on.  I’m having trouble seeing how this is all going to be ok.  I’m sure this is part of the lesson of learning to trust life and go with the flow of life, but it’s difficult to trust when all of this is going on.

I’m having a real hard time staying present and non-judgmental.  This whole blog feels like a pity party, but that’s part of writing an honest blog.  I’ve been thinking a lot today about how much I’ve taken for granted living in America.  I know somewhere I’m learning and this is all part of awakening, but I’m not loving what is today.  I just feel broken.  Broken, sweaty and covered in bugs.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Hot

On By rrainefioreIn Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

It’s so hot.  I looked at the weather forcast and it’s in the high 90s.  It’s supposed to get up to 105 three days in a row.  I’m going to die.  I stayed at Tip’s house last night.  I came home around 9:30 am and went into my house to get a few things.  Within 10 minutes I was completely soaked.  All the rat poison I left out was gone except in my bedroom.  However something ripped the window screen off one of my bedroom windows.  What on earth is strong enough to do that and where is it now?

I went into school and worked on lesson plans.  Pat had said she’d help me with lesson plans, but when I go there, I got “up to you”.  I’m beginning to hate that phrase.  It basically means there is a right answer, but I’m not going to tell you what it is.  I’m almost done with the first month of lesson plans.  I should be done tomorrow so that will make me feel better.  There is a room at the school that is always open.  Pat said if my house gets too hot, I can use that room to hang out in and turn on the fans.  It’s not air conditioned, but way cooler than my house.  I’ll probably hang out there tomorrow.

The janitor came over and boarded up some of the holes – the ones between my house and Q’s house.  He has to finish the others tomorrow.  I’m glad he started with those as I noticed Q’s windows were open and he has no screens – this might be one of of the ways the critters get in.  I assume he’s home and opened them or someone is airing out his place before he gets home.  But now I don’t know which side of the wall the critters ended up on.  Are they stuck in my house or his?  I sprayed bug spray into all the dark places and put out more rat poison just for good measure.  I have seen two tokays tonight on the outside of my screens, but I’m still not happy because I’m thinking they might be big enough to have broken the screen upstairs and they might do it again.  One is staring into my bedroom as I write this.

It rained.  I went outside and just stood in it.  One of the other teachers and I were talking and she kept trying to get me to stand under cover, but I wouldn’t.  The rain isn’t hot.  Then I sat on the front “porch” and listened.  So many things started making noise after the rain stopped.  It was almost deafening.  There is a lot going on in the woods.  It’s great when it’s going on “over there” and not in my house.  I took video of it so you could here all the noises, but I don’t think it picked up the noises so now you just get a video of what it looks like from my front porch.

It’s been like a ghost town around here.  I haven’t seen another teacher or student in the housing area and no cars or motorbikes parked out front.  The teacher I mentioned above was the first.  She just got back today.  I heard some other people talking a little later in the evening.  I bet more will arrive tomorrow too.  I imagine they are going through what I just went through, cleaning out the disaster that moved into their houses.  The only difference is they are probably use to it and it doesn’t make them want to run away.

I was going to go to the pool with Tip, but she had to cancel.  I came home and washed all the dishes instead.  I also made dinner.  It was no where near as fun as the pool, but I felt a lot better after knowing the dishes were clean.  I think just getting back into a routine will help with the culture shock a lot.  I feel quite a bit better after doing the dishes.

Now I’m sitting inside the semi safety of my bug net.  I’m marveling at the amount of bugs that are not kept out by the bug net.  I’m thinking it’s time to turn off the light and attempt sleeping.  I think I’m going to go turn the light on in the other bedroom so maybe the tokays will hang out on those window screens instead of my bedroom.  Seems logical.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore