Category: Uncategorized

A Year

On By rrainefioreIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Wow, it’s been almost a year since I last posted.  For a while I didn’t feel anything interesting was happening.  I didn’t want this to turn into a diary of overcoming first world problems.  Then I spent some time in a great funk – who wants to read about that.  Then I just kept wondering what to write about and life did it’s think and the blog went on the back burner so to speak.  However, I have a possibly interesting thing coming up.  Or it might be very boring – not sure.

I guess I should get you caught up a little first.  About a year ago I was told I was pre-diabetic.  Knowing my history with sugar, I was not surprised.  It came after I had quit sugar for 3 months, but considering how much I had pumped into my system over the years, I figured 3 months wasn’t enough.  I also, thought, “I got this”, a little more exercise and eating well and it will change.  I did 4 months of a low carb diet and re-tested.  No change.  I feel lethargic a lot of the time.  I have trouble exercising.  All my joints hurt.  I was getting sick often.  I can start to understand why more people don’t seem to want to fight diabetes.  I’m not even full diabetic yet and it seems like a losing battle.  Maybe they started off fighting it and it just became too difficult.  Years ago we studied about different ways of eating – not diet in the sense of losing weight, but in in the sense of a change of lifestyle.  Part of that study included fasting.  I was excited about what I read, but could never imagine taking the time out of my busy life that it would take to do it right.  Studies have shown great results in reversing diabetes, heart disease, autoimmune diseases, rheumatoid arthritis and a multitude of other health issues.  It was suggested to me that a fast might be just what I need now.  It just made sense.  It could possibly help with the pre-diabetes, uterine fibroids, allergies and frequent sinus problems.  I’ve been planning this since October and will go to a facility where I stay and they help monitor me to make sure I’m staying within the realm of fasting and not going into starvation.  Then I thought, this might be a fascinating journey to document.  So I decided to blog about it.  It could also be boring (“hungry today, this sucks, check back tomorrow”) or I could get to the point where my brain has stopped working and my blogs don’t make sense.  But, we will have to wait and see.

I have also learned much about the brain since I’ve been back from Thailand, much of it very exciting.  And I have been doing weekly sessions since October to work on my nervous system and learning so much about how ptsd affects our nervous system and that there is great hope for those with severe ptsd to heal.  I will write more about this journey in another blog as it’s monumental and deserves a more in depth summary.  I do feel that the fast will somehow tie into the nervous system work and they will compliment each other.  I haven’t seen any research to this effect, but it’s just a gut feeling.

I start the fast on May 4th.  How do you prepare for this?  First you give the retreat center an large amount of money to secure your space.  Then you freak out everyone at work by telling them you are leaving for a month and you don’t know if you’ll be able to work for 2 days or 3 weeks.  They suggest for two weeks before the fast eating nothing but fresh fruits and veggies.  That way you are not going through withdrawals from the foods that cause them while trying to fast.  I cut out sugar over a year ago minus two weeks in October.  Three weeks ago I cut out bread.  This sucked.  I still just want to eat a whole loaf of sourdough with butter.  Two weeks ago I quit caffeine.  I had two bad days in the beginning where I couldn’t handle it and drank coffee and iced tea anyway.  But, after 4 days, it was easy.  Today was my last day being able to eat anything that came from an animal.  Yesterday and today my diet was 90% cheese.  So, starting tomorrow, only fruit, veggies, oatmeal, beans and nuts until the fast.

So, here we go…….

Psst……

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

For those of you who are wondering.  I’m still here.  I kind of hid low while I was going through reverse culture shock.  I found a new place to live and started back at work.  Now I’m living in a sea of boxes as I try to unpack and get rid of a lot of things!  I feel that this blog will go in a new direction now that there are no longer the adventures of living in a different culture to write about.  I’m still not clear on what that might look like so I haven’t been able to much into words.

Hope

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Mid-January, I went to Wisconsin to visit my Mom.  The thing on the plane that just was so obvious to me is how loud everyone is.  Why do people have to talk so loud?  I’m on a plane where the engine noise is already loud, but I can still hear individual conversations.  The person you are talking to is right next to you, why do you have to include me in your conversation?  They weren’t even interesting conversations.  It was a whole plane of “look how cool I am”.  Exhausting.  The rest of the world is right, Americans are loud and talk too much.

It was good to see Mom.  Her new place is nice and the people that work there are nice.  She was playing Bingo when I got there.  They have three meals a day and activities.  She has a small kitchen in her apartment so she could still cook if she wanted to.  I’m very glad she was able to move out of her condo into assisted living.

I helped Mom with some shopping.  I took her to Target with me.  I wondered if it would be too much.  It was.  It is a big store and even though we only walked part of it, it was too much.  But she wanted to go to three different stores so I think that would have been worse.  We went out to lunch a couple times and also went to church.  It was great to spend time with her and see her new place.

At church, the preacher was starting a new program with the congregation.  It had steps and things to do.  It sounded like a program that would go on for a month or two and involved extra study or practice outside of Sunday church.  I remember feeling a sense of hope come over the congregation as he talked about the upcoming program and how it was going help make everyone’s year great.  I remember doing workshops, study groups, and programs like this at church when I was in high school.  I remember the sense of hope at the beginning – This is going to change my life – This is the answer to everything – This is going to fix everything – This is going to get me on the right path.  In some of the programs I grew and gained new knowledge.  I can’t say any of them changed my life.  Some sent me on a new path.  I never found the answer to everything.  I can’t say any of them were ever bad, but I noticed something as I sat there in this old familiar feeling (I really like this familiar feeling).  The level of hope at the beginning is so strong and is a feeling far stronger than the outcome ever was.  I realized that it wasn’t just hope, but a feeling of control.  Oh great, this person has all the answers and if I just do all the steps in this program, follow all the learning, I too will have all the answers.  Then I will finally have control of my life, my emotions, my finances, my spirituality, my love live, etc.  In the past, as the programs went on, I learned, but I never became in control of anything.  I never got the carrot I was chasing.  As it turns out, I cannot control life.  This is also a good example of living in the future.  I felt so wonderful at the beginning of one of these programs because of the promise of a better future.  Hope and planning and learning can be tricky.  Hope feels so wonderful and is a huge motivator so we label it as a good thing, but then don’t acknowledge that we are rejecting the present moment and living in the future.  We assume that if we don’t have hope then we must have the opposite, despair, a bad attitude, disbelief or pessimism.  What if life doesn’t have to be an either / or situation.  What if we can be present and plan when the time is right for planning, learn when the learning comes, and know that the future will be great just because it will and not because we are using hope to avoid being present now.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Mom and some of her neighbors
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Mom taking a selfie
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Some of my old needlework I found at Mom’s
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More needlework

Snowboarding

On By rrainefioreIn Beautiful Colorado, UncategorizedLeave a comment

 

Two things I really missed about Colorado – Snow and being physically fit.  So, I was quite excited to go snowboarding.  I’m not sure mother nature is as excited about me going snowboarding.

My first attempt involved me driving up into the mountains in a white out blizzard.  I got to the tunnel and it was closed.  This is not abnormal.  They often shut it to let hazardous materials trucks through when the road around it closed.  Sometimes they close it when the roads are bad to clear the road or clear accidents.  So, I waited patiently.  I always have a book with me for situations like this.  Two hours later, the tunnel was still closed.  I turned around and went back down through the blizzard to go home.  Later I found out the ski resort I was going to was closed at 1:00 because of avalanche danger on the roads.  Welcome back to Colorado!

Then the next time I went snowboarding, I got up late because I was going by myself.  I got to the resort and there was a line of cars for the parking lot.  A parking guy came up and told me the lot was full and only cars with 3 or more people could wait for the lot.  So, people without friends are no longer allowed to ski.  I found a spot along the road quite a distance from the resort and managed to catch a ride in the back of a truck up to the resort.  I was determined to get that board on the snow.  Wow!  There is no oxygen up there.  I have also gained weight and every time I bend over to buckle my bindings, my stomach gets in the way.  Then I’m bent over trying to get these things buckled which is actually more work than I remember.  My belly is pushing on my lungs so I can’t get a full breath.  Add that there is a severe oxygen deficiency and I was exhausted before even getting on the lift.  I managed to do three runs before my legs started complaining.  At that point I decided that I could say I went snowboarding, but I couldn’t say I was enjoying it.  It took me a half hour to walk back to my car.  As far as snowboarding went, it was a disappointing day.  As far as getting a good workout in, it was a fabulous day.

Now, I’ve decided that snowboarding needs to happen during the week because the weekends are too crowded for single people.  The next time I went I made the goal of doing at least 4 runs.  I got there and it was -3 degrees and dropping.  I met a friend which was nice.  I did manage to do 4 runs, but was so cold by the end of the 4th run that I couldn’t stand it anymore.  And of course, it’s still painful, work with no oxygen.

The next time, I got up there late, but managed to get 4.5 runs in so I count that an improvement.  I would have done more, but the resort closed.  This time I took advil before which helped a little with the screaming legs.  I hope there’s a steep recovery somewhere in the near future.

Interesting question on the extra weight I’m carrying.  Some of it has to do with being weak and out of shape.  Some of it has to do with Valentines Day candy that mysteriously jumped into my shopping cart.  But, all of last year I was out of shape and didn’t have the extra weight and I ate sugar as if it was one of the major food groups.  I’m back in the US for less than a month and I put on so much weight that my skin hurts.  I am wondering if all the conspiracy theory drama about the horrible toxins in our food is actually part of this.  Is my body freaking out from the change in food?

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Do/Be

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Here’s an interesting experience.  I had heard people complaining about big brother always watching.  The new theory I heard was that even when we aren’t talking on the phone, if our cell phone is nearby, it is recording us so that big brother knows what we are talking about.  Then adds for things you talked about show up on facebook or other websites later.  My first thought is, who cares?  If someone wants to listen to everything I say, how are they going to use it against me?  They are just going to be rather bored, I think.  Then after a conversation about IKEA, it shows up as an add on facebook.  I’ve never searched for IKEA or furniture on line.  As a test my roommates and I picked an obscure subject and talked about it incessantly one evening – Craw fish boil.  Nothing ever showed up for any of us about Louisiana, craw fish, cooking or anything related.  I kind of hoped it would.

I’m back at my old job.  It’s nice because it’s familiar.  It’s overwhelming because it’s a lot of work and I’m having trouble switching into face paced work mode.

I’ve been meeting up with some friends which is nice.  I’ve been watching a bunch of movies.  I’m still having trouble sleeping.  I wake up somewhere in the middle of the night, not awake enough to get up and do something, but not asleep either.  Then I sleep too late in the morning.  I’m trying to just be patient and kind to myself.  I’m sure some of it is my body adjusting to the altitude, food and lifestyle changes.  I assume some of it is reverse culture shock as I just don’t feel at home.  I feel lost.  I don’t feel like I belong here.  I don’t feel welcome in my own city.  I feel like I should do something, but I don’t know what to do.  Then even if I know what to do, I don’t want to do anything.  I feel the need to do, but I don’t want to do.  My old life, and most people’s lives are centered around doing.  I want to be, but I still don’t know how to be.  “Knowing” how to be is actually “doing” being.  That doesn’t work.  So, some days I get up and do.  Others I get up and exist (be) without the need to do.  A lot of mornings I get up, decide that the do/be dilemma is too much to handle and I go back to bed.  The nice thing about all this is that I don’t judge myself and even though I wouldn’t call this Joy or Happiness, I don’t need it to be some “good” feeling.  There is nothing wrong with it just being slightly uncomfortable.  There is nothing wrong with it being anything other than a do/be battle that sometimes goes the way of do, sometimes be and sometimes sleep.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Totally unrelated photos:

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My new hair color
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Latest coloring book creation

Stuff

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Uncategorized3 Comments

The first week back in Colorado was mostly spent moving stuff around.  Organize this pile of stuff and find a place for it.  Organize that pile of stuff and put it in storage.  Go through mail and make new piles of mail to organize later.  Find stuff in storage and bring it back to the house to organize.  Wash clothes, organize clothes.  Discover I need stuff to put stuff in.  Buy containers to put stuff in.  Discover that in all that stuff, there are no coats.  I own more jackets and coats than one human should own and I couldn’t find any coats in storage.  Target for the win – I bought a nice dressy coat for $40 and a puffy coat for $50.  I spent a week alternating between getting new stuff, wondering why I have so much stuff, not having enough stuff, wanting new stuff, and not wanting stuff.  I’m living in a friend’s house and they already have a house full of stuff so there isn’t enough room for my stuff.  Stuff stuff stuff stuff.

Finding stuff in my storage unit involves

  1. moving 5-15 boxes which are falling apart because the tape stopped working;
  2. the motion sensor lights go off when you are perched unsafely on top of a box on a book shelf in the middle of a bunch of boxes;
  3. finding almost what you wanted and a lot of stuff you didn’t
  4. being cold; and
  5. generally feeling defeated.

So, what have a learned about stuff?  I just spent a year living with very little stuff. The whole year I knew it was temporary.  I lived temporary for a year.  Now that I’m back in familiar territory I’m nesting.  Part of me wants to gather stuff, nest, not be temporary.  There’s comfort in stuff.  For most of us, part of our identity is wrapped up in our stuff.  We are attached to stuff.  It becomes part of who we are.  Get rid of the stuff and we are lost or who we think we are is lost.  We are unhappy without our stuff.  Part of me craves to hide behind stuff.  But there’s freedom in temporary and who I really am is not my stuff.  More stuff does not equal happiness.  Part of me wants to ditch all the stuff and be free from identifying with it.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

 

Celtic Renaissance Night

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

The people I’m staying with had friends over.  They made margaritas.  1 margarita + 1 late lunch + altitude = need to nap, can’t do anything useful.  It ruined my whole day of stuff management (see future blog coming soon about stuff).

After my nap I was in no mood to do anything.  Usually naps do not end up well for me.  I usually end up feeling worse than before the nap.  My friends were going out that night and I wanted to go with them, but that would involve pulling myself together and getting dressed in appropriate clothing.  It would also involve going out in the world of people which is sometimes not my favorite thing.  They were going to watch their friends perform (the ones who had been over to the house earlier).  They are two sisters that sing dirty songs and tell off color jokes at renaissance festivals.  They were opening for a series of Celtic rock and metal bands.  It would be a bar full of people dressed in either Celtic wear (not sure what that is) or Renaissance wear.  Curiosity won, I went out.

We didn’t dress up which was good.  That would have been more than I could handle.  There were a few people dressed “normal”.  There were a lot of men in kilts.  There were a lot of people who looked like peter pan.  There were so many corsets and feathered hats.  Most of the people were overweight.  Is there an overweight/renaissance fare connection I was unaware of?  The two sisters were great – they were so much fun to listen to and watch.  If you ever get to see Iris and Rose, I highly recommend them!  See link below.

Top 10 Online Slots of 2019

There were Celtic belly dancers.  I didn’t know the two things went together.  Next was Potcheen, a Celtic rock band.  The fiddle player was good, the guitar players should not sing.  The drummer made my evening.  He played for the belly dancers when their music didn’t work, he had tons of energy, he was the lead singer of his band and I thought he was a decent drummer too.  I’m posting a short video for your listening pleasure.

https://www.potcheen.band/

Some more belly dancing, of course.  The next band up was supposed to be Celtic Metal.  How is that even a thing?  They set up a bunch of large drums.  I was ready to go until I saw all the drums, the hippy guy with really long hair, the non hippy guy with a didgeridoo, and the bagpipes.  What on earth will this sound like?  Ah, there’s a video for that too.

Home

So, that was “Kilt night out halfway to Renaissance Fair” night.  I think I’m back in America.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

 

 

Home

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Travel, Uncategorized2 Comments

January 4th was a long day.  I keep trying to calculate the number of hours in the day because it fascinates me.  I think it was a 44 hour day.  I left Auckland at 3:00pm and arrived in Denver at 12:30pm.  I went back in time.  So cool.  We humans just made up time.

I remember sitting in the airport texting my friend who was going to pick me up in Denver.  I told him I might cry a lot.  I started crying just from typing the word “cry”.  I’m crying again, now because I typed the word again.  I can’t even tell you why I’m crying.  I’m not sad or happy.  I don’t feel any of the “normal” emotions.  I think it’s just a nervous system reaction to massive change.  It is also a physical recognition of the enormity of what I have done and am doing.

I tried to sleep on the plane, but I was so physically uncomfortable that I maybe slept an hour at best.  I watched 4 movies.  On the flight from San Fran to Denver I was able to rest a little as I had all three seats to myself, but I was aware of where I was and how uncomfortable I was the whole time, so I wouldn’t call it sleep.

Jay picked me up at the airport and brought me Deana’s snow boots and a winter jacket.  I cried less than I thought I would.  It’s so cold.  It was dark, gloomy and -10 degrees.  I miss the snow and cold, but my body isn’t ready for this.  After we got to their house and had some food, I set out to get my phone fixed and make my car legal to drive.  The scariest part was driving on snowy roads and remembering to stay on the right side of the road.  I only messed up once and it was in an empty parking lot entrance so no one noticed.  Over $500 to renew the car tags, including a late fee.  Ouch.  The phone is done.  I have insurance on it which means I get a used phone for free.  (It only took a day to get the “new” phone and it looked like it had never been used).  I did laundry and tried to separate things I would need from things that need to go in storage.  By the time I went to bed, I figured I had been up for 33 hours.

I slept for 9 hours when the alarm went off.  I felt like I should get up and do things.  Then I decided that I should not get up and do things.  I slept for 2 more hours.  Doing things proves to be difficult.  I spent a lot of time standing in the middle of all my stuff, feeling lost.   I got my “new” phone and went to lunch.  I was going to grocery shop, but that seemed an insurmountable mountain.  Plus it’s so cold outside.  I napped.  I did manage to separate most of the stuff for storage.  I feel lost.  I feel like I should do things, but I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to do anything.  I have a headache that won’t go away – altitude?

I took my car to the mechanic’s to fix anything wrong with it.  The person who leased it did not take care of it.  We are up to $1,000 worth of fixing so far – new tires, new keys, fix hatch back, oil change, fix alignment, etc.  Hopefully there isn’t anything else wrong with it.  Next week I’ll get the interior detailed because it’s just yucky.

I got a lot of “welcome home” messages on Facebook.  I don’t feel like I’m home.  Everything feels familiar, but not home.  It’s not a negative thing.  It’s not like home is good and not home is bad.  Same thing with “lost”.  Lost is not a bad feeling, but a detached feeling.  I didn’t expect that it would feel like home.  I feel like I’m waiting, waiting to know what is next, waiting for reverse culture shock to work it’s way through, waiting to adjust to the time/temp/altitude changes, waiting for all the to-do’s to be done, and waiting to not be lost.  I know home is not actually a place, but is me.  Me is in a major change pattern right now.  I imagine with some time and further integration of all that’s happened lately that I will feel home.  So, I wait, standing in the middle of a ridiculous amount of useless stuff wondering what to do next and wondering why I have so much stuff.

A few people have asked if I will continue my blog.  I think I will.  I think there will still be amazing and silly things to write about.  There are quite a few blog posts I started in the past that I hope to finish.  Some things are difficult to put into words and I hope to find the words.  I think that the integration of this past year will also be worth writing about.  After that, I might change the tone into more of a weekly meditation/investigation tool for those of you reading so you can participate more actively through your growth and learning, instead of just a ride along with my journey.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Brrrrrrr
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1:00pm so dark
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Starting the unpacking / repacking
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Break for Margaritas

One Final Tour

On By rrainefioreIn New Zealand, Travel, Uncategorized1 Comment

 

There is this bug that glows in the dark and lives in caves.  They call them glow worms, but they aren’t worms.  I booked an all day tour to go see the glow worms.  It was a big bus tour and that just made the whole day slightly disappointing, but I still got to see glow worms and sheep!  It was a 13-hour tour and there wasn’t one interesting person on the bus except the bus driver, Rachael.  I’ve attached a video.  Getting on the bus was a bit stressful.  I arrived at the bus station where there were a bunch of tour buses and people, but none of the buses had the name of the tour company I thought I booked with.  Later I found out they are all the same company with different names.  The lady in the office said I needed to check in with the lady by the buses.  There was a sea of confused tourists and somewhere in the middle of that sea was a lady with a shopping cart of fruit and a list of names.  She gave me some fruit, gave me a sticker and told me which bus to get on.  Ah, the sticker people tracking system.  So simple and yet quite effective.  I’m a green sticker for the day.

It was a 3-hour drive to the cave.  Rachael told us all sorts of information about New Zealand along the way.  I was actually a little bummed that I couldn’t stay awake for all of it.  I think she talked the whole 3 hours.  The cave tour involved a lot of information on how they found the cave, a little information on the glow worms and a quick, but beautiful boat ride through the cave.  No one is allowed to take photos so the one I posted is from the internet.  All the Japanese (half the bus) were late so we got to the farm late.  I assume their translator did a bad job of telling them when to be back.

The Agrodome farm was fun though.  First they showed us how to sheer a sheep.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.  Then they showed us how a dog herds sheep.  I don’t think I liked this part. It’s one thing to herd sheep because you need to, but another thing to stress them into running around a course because 53 tourists want to watch.  I did kinda like the part where one of the sheep tried to be all tough and face off with the dog and stamp its foot in protest.  “Fuck you, we did this yesterday and I don’t like you”.  Then we went on a trailer pulled by a tractor around the farm.  We saw at least 7 different types of cows, pigs, turkeys, pukekos, goats, deer, sheep, and alpacas.  Then we got to feed the sheep.  The tractor stopped and sheep came from everywhere.  It was a fantastic mess of sheep and squealing Japanese.  I could have watched that for hours.  I got to pet and feed sheep.  I was a happy 6-year-old!

The last stop was the Te Puia.  We were here in the 18-day tour, but I chose not to go.  It’s a thermal park / cultural center.  First off was a Maori concert.  It was similar to the dinner we had gone to on the tour, but just the singing and dancing part.  Then we had a tour of the thermal park.  I had my fill of people touching me and crowding me so I skipped out of the tour and walked around on my own.  There is a geyser there.  It didn’t go off while I was there.  I wish I had had more time to walk through the park.  A long ride back to Auckland and Rachael decided to not talk so people could sleep.  I was ready to stay awake and take in all the knowledge Rachael had to share.  Darn, I did that wrong.

Today, I’m going to take it easy, get some work done.  Tomorrow I get on a plane to go back to the US.  It doesn’t seem real.

Interesting facts:

Glow worms are not worms, but the larvae of a type of fly.

Glow worms glow so that insects will think that is the way out of the tunnel and then get caught in their feeding lines.

The first glow worms to hatch eat the others.

A sheep shearer makes $2 per sheep

2 dogs can handle 800-1000 sheep.

The sheep get sheared every 6 months.

Lanolin is sheep oil – their wool is oily – maybe not news to you, but it was to me.

There are Angora Goats – again, maybe you knew this, but I always thought it was a type of rabbit.  There are angora rabbits too.  Learning new things.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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