I’ve had horrible allergies most of my life. I had to take allergy medicine every day of my life from 2nd grade until about 4 years ago. I was allergic to all grasses, pine trees, dust, anything that blooms, citrus, tomatoes, all green vegetables, all melon, cats and dogs. With all the investigation I’ve done and the awakening work, I discovered that I had a belief that life is not safe. I was adopted. I have a deep fear from this, from whatever I experienced in my first days, weeks, months of life. Because this is long before the cognitive part of my brain existed, it is stuck in my nervous system, my blood system and in the deep parts of the brain. Because this belief is so deeply rooted, I cannot talk, reason or think it away. Because it’s so basic to who I am, I actually created a world that is not safe by being allergic to everything. I created a world to match this belief. After much work on this through movement and letting the fear and loss be expressed, my allergies disappeared. The past 4 years I’ve been able to live with only taking allergy medicine once a month or less. Since I’ve been on this tour, I’ve been sick with a sinus infection and now that is better, my allergies are horrible. My nose and eyes are so itchy that I think I may go insane. I’m sneezing a lot. Ah ha – this is completely connected to the “not enough for me” I was feeling earlier in the trip. This is just a different manifestation of the same issue. Then I also have an issue where I get so tired of people not listening to me. I get interrupted. I have to say things 2 or 3 times because the person wasn’t listening. Or I just get ignored. I try to be understanding, but it just makes me not want to talk, not want to connect with people. (My magic tattoo isn’t working). I had a minor meltdown yesterday because of this. This is the same issue too. Add on that I’m scared about going home. I’m scared of reverse culture shock. I’m scared of finding how I fit when I’ve changed so much. Life is not safe = Not enough for me = I’m small, insignificant, unimportant, unloved, unwanted = back hurts = feet hurt = allergies = fear.
Here are some of the random thoughts running around in my head lately. They may or may not be related to each other.
A feeling that is coming up a lot for me is the feeling that there is not enough for me. It has been coming up every day especially around the time to eat and when we get to a new accommodation. What if I’m the last one in line, there won’t be any food left. Oh my god, I have to make sure that doesn’t happen. What if there aren’t enough beds for me? What if I have to sleep in a room with 10 people? Oh My God. I have no idea where this is coming from. It’s somehow connected to the unwanted thing I’ve been feeling too. So, more on this later as it makes itself clear.
It seems that everywhere I go, there is a cute guy. I kind of hoped I would meet someone special on vacation or while in Thailand, but I always find myself attracted to one person on the tour or boat that I’m on. Then I start wondering what they think, who are they, are they interested, etc. Why can’t I just enjoy people’s company without there always having to be a potential of my future boyfriend. It’s very frustrating. Is this just human nature or am I still resisting alone and oneness? Has anything really changed on this journey? My feet have been hurting a lot lately and I think I am noticing that they hurt more when I’m thinking about a guy. Then again, if I’m thinking of guys, my head is in the future. So, is the foot hurting more global about living in the future instead of being present. I feel like 80% to 90% of me is present most of the time, but the rest is living in thoughts about the future. Then I am aware that I am in the future. Then I’m in the future and present at the same time. Future = Foot hurts.
Here are some good AH Almass quotes from the book I am reading. They better explain what I was writing about a while ago. Even if what we are experiencing isn’t “happy”, “peace”, “joy” or some other perceived good thing, we can still be present with it and see what we learn. It doesn’t have to be seen as bad or suffering. Instead, be curious and experience it fully. “Even if we can stay present with an emotion or manifestation, it doesn’t immediately transform into its True Nature. An emotion is not just a simple reaction to whatever is happening in the present situation. Usually the emotion has an entire history”. He’s talking about being aware, being an observer on the outside. I am very good at this and it’s happening almost 100% of my day. But he is also talking about a different level of being present. This, is what I tried to explain in past blogs: “Normal awareness is observing experience from a distance, with the detachment of a subject viewing an object. Not only noticing it, but you are also in contact with it, you are touching it, feeling it, sensing it’s texture and quality. You are not only looking at it from the outside, you are aware of it from the inside as well and from all directions, from everywhere. So presence brings in the quality of immediacy of awareness, which means having no distance between the awareness and what we are aware of”.
I think Americans are the loud kid on the playground – Hey look at me!
I would consider doing odd jobs and “lesser” jobs to live abroad, but not at home. Why?
Last night there was apocalyptic thunder. It shook the whole house. The electricity went out twice. I remember storms like this in Florida, but have never seen (heard) storms like this in Colorado. I was so dizzy and feverish that I just hoped that the storm didn’t take down the house because I would be unable to move to safety.
I got up this morning and finished packing and cleaning. Then I sat and waited for an hour for Noi. She took me to the post office to mail a couple boxes and then to the highway to catch a bus. I’m now homeless. It should feel like a huge relief, fear, excitement, sadness or something, but it just feels empty. All my belongings fit into 4 bags or were mailed back to Colorado. I’m setting off on a travel adventure and I’m not excited about it. I feel lonely, but not sad lonely, just alone. And there seems to be no point in anything. Why travel? Why go home? Oh, I have no home to go to, just a storage shed full of stuff and a car I can’t afford. Should I sell everything I own and wander? Should I build a new home in Colorado or somewhere else? Where? I was restless and uncomfortable when I did have a home and I’m restless and uncomfortable without one. So, home or no home is not the answer. I wanted to get lost – I’m lost. So, I guess I’ll just wander and be lost or empty or full or alone or not and see what I see and see what happens next.
After breakfast and some pool time, my friend arrived at the hotel. We changed rooms in the hotel. We went to Seminyak beach which is a busier beach than the one the hotel is near. It still wasn’t the crowded mess I had heard of. The streets in Seminyak were crowded with traffic and lined with stores, but it had a nice feel to it, I thought. We went in search of a place that would do henna tattoos, but failed on that hunt. Better hunting tomorrow. They do the bean bag beach bars here too, but there’s a lot more of them. I got some pictures of them after they had set up for the sunset crowd. I didn’t get any pictures of them at sunset, but it was nice to just sit in bean bags and watch the waves come in. We also bought a couple of movies to take back to the hotel. I was surprised that Allegiant was already out. But when we went to buy it, they said it might not be good quality. Aha, it’s an illegal copy. We got it anyway. It was ok quality.
I’m feeling a combination of opposites. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of being alone. I don’t want to go back to work, but I’m missing the lack of routine. I’m tired of doing. I’m tired of sitting still. I feel out of place. I don’t like heat. I don’t like heat – oh wait, no opposite there. I feel like I should decide what I’m going to do with my life after teaching. But why do I have to decide that now? How is making a decision now living in the flow of life? I’m trying to live now and the future keeps hopping into my thoughts. When it does, it brings anxiety and “should” and exhaustion. Overall, I spend an enormous amount more of my time living now, but the future still has a bit of a hold on me. And, now that I am so much more aware, I can feel what living for the future does to a body so much stronger. So, I just watch it when it happens and note how it makes me feel and question who is watching. I think this is all part of a bigger shift trying to happen.
I found it easier when I was watching the sunset yesterday to just melt into oneness and now than I did tonight. I think it’s harder for me when I’m with other people. I still have thoughts that tell me I have to be a certain way, have conversations, do things, be witty, be nice, behave like all the other people, etc.
We got up this morning and found a place for breakfast. It wasn’t very good. Then we hung out at the Best Western pool until it was time to take Carly to the airport. They had a really nice pool.
I drove the POS for the last time and was so excited to drop it off. That might have been the highlight of the day. I said goodbye to Carly and got a taxi to my new hotel near the beach. I’ve heard that Kuta and Seminyak are both dirty and over touristy and that I wouldn’t enjoy them. From my one night in Kuta, I didn’t find it to be that bad, but I didn’t find it worth going back to either. My hotel in Seminyak is great.
It was a 13 minute walk to the beach. The beach wasn’t crowded at all. I got there in time for sunset. There was a beach bar that I hung out at for dinner and sunset. I was hoping to meet some people and have a nice conversation, but that didn’t happen. But as I sat there, I just felt how alone I was and then for a while, I didn’t even exist. I could have stayed like that all night, but I had to go to the bathroom and that kinda broke the not existing experience. Now, note, I said “alone”. Did you read “lonely”? Did you put a negative story on the word “alone”? Did you assume that if I had met people and had a nice conversation that that would have been the “better” outcome? “Alone” is not the same as “lonely”, not even close. Now read it again without judgement, good or bad, or should be. Do you get a different picture?
So, this is the right way to do a beach bar. Put on some music, have a bunch of bean bags to sit on, put out some pretty lights, serve drinks and food. This is as simple, brilliant and perfect as it gets. Naysayers 0, Seminyak 1.
I’d like to say it was wonderful to have a day off. But, I’m still struggling with all the changes. I still had homework to do from TESOL class. Because they cut our class a week short, they let us turn in the last assignment today. With all the internet problems I’ve been having, I was way behind on the project. I spent the whole morning and part of the afternoon finishing it up. It feels good to have it done.
I woke up in the middle of the night to music. I put ear plugs in, but could still here it. I wondered who would be playing music at that hour. Now, as I sit here listening to chanting off in the distance, I wonder if that is what I heard last night. I was told that the monks would be telling the story of Buddha through chants for two days. I’m not sure if that is what I am hearing or if it’s something else. Right now, it sounds great to me. In the middle of the night, it didn’t.
After finishing my homework, I headed up to the coffee shop (I think there’s only one). It’s not too far by bicycle. I stayed there for awhile enjoying a latte, some air conditioning, and good wifi. I tried to find the local bus station. There doesn’t seem to be one. I tried to find local taxis or any transportation between here and somewhere else. There doesn’t seem to be any. I find that hard to believe. So, I’ll have to ask someone else later. Then I saw a post from one of the girls in Sukohthai. She was up at the top of the dam which looked so beautiful. I asked if she was still there because I live so close. She said our agent took here there and she was almost back to Sukohthai already. Wait, that’s my agent too. They had to drive right past my house. Did it not occur to her that I might want to go too? I’ve been trying to get a hold of my agents about renting a scooter, getting better wifi, travel in the area. I haven’t gotten any answers yet. And it would have taken her 10 minutes to stop and talk to me. I feel so stranded and now abandoned. How am I ever going to leave here? I supposedly live in one of the prettiest parts of Thailand, but I can’t experience it. I feel so helpless. Then I realize stranded, helpless and abandoned are inseparable for me. They all feel the same – one triggers the other and then the other.
Then I see some toast with some weird stuff on it being served and I realize I am starving. So I ask if they have any food and they say no. She’s holding a piece of cake in her hand as she says no. I can’t hold it all in anymore. I went back to where I was sitting and burst into tears. I’m stranded here. I will never be able to leave and now I can’t eat either. Later I tried again and said Do you have food in Thai. One lady said yes and the other said no food, but bread. So, food and bread are not the same thing. Granted, I’ll agree that white bread with a large amount of sugar on it shouldn’t be food, but I’ll take my chances. So, I said yes, bread. She showed me a picture of the bread with something ridiculous on it and I said yes. I got a slice of white bread with what looked like powdered hot chocolate and chocolate syrup on it. Not too bad for white bread.
Enough with the coffee shop. I rode my bike up to a set of stairs I had seen that had a dragon on them. I figured it led up to a temple (wat). They did. They led up to a wat I had seen from the other side a few times, but had never gone in. It was quiet and no one seemed to be around. I took some pictures of some of the pretty buildings. Then I noticed a monk sitting in the shade watching me. I did the proper wai for a monk. He asked if I was alone and told me to go up to a building with a second story deck to get better pictures. So, I did. The lighting wasn’t great because it was late day, but the view was a nice view of the lower dam and river. I thanked him and he told me to go into a smaller temple building. He said it was nice. I did. As I was coming out of the building, he was playing the drums. It was relaxing. Sorry the video is sideways. It’s too late for me to figure out how to flip it. Just lay on your side and watch it. Or close you eyes and just listen.
I then rode off toward music I could hear in the distance. Maybe something was happening in town. I found a different road up to the dam. The gardens around there are nice. I never found the source of the music. There’s another wat at the top of a huge hill. I decided to make that trek another day because it might get dark before I got all the way up there.
I worked on a speech for the parents tomorrow. There’s a parent teacher conference tomorrow. I think it’s just so they can meet me. This is such a strange experience to feel two such opposite feelings at the same time. I feel very welcomed and wanted by the school, teachers, students (and probably the parents) and at the same time I feel completely helpless, stranded and abandoned. And hot, I feel hot.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
Yes, that is white bread with powdered chocolate and chocolate syrupDragon Stairs
I got home late last night and was so delighted to be home alone in my very quiet house. This morning I got up and felt overwhelmed with everything that still has to be done to leave and I felt totally and completely alone, lonely. How can alone be wonderful last night and feel devastating today? I’ve been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want, yet, now I feel like I am actively choosing it. I cried a lot today. Some of it was my friend’s stuff that I was carrying after visiting them. Some of it is because I just feel beat up with all the last minute Antarctica stuff. I have lost the ability to make decisions. I can’t pack or research because I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know if I am selling or renting my house. I am stuck. I had so much trouble working today or doing anything for that matter. Because one major decision can’t be made, my ability to make any decision is lost. This is very uncomfortable.
Rraine Drops 