Tag: Alone vs Lonely

Homeless

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Last night there was apocalyptic thunder.  It shook the whole house.  The electricity went out twice.  I remember storms like this in Florida, but have never seen (heard) storms like this in Colorado. I was so dizzy and feverish that I just hoped that the storm didn’t take down the house because I would be unable to move to safety.

I got up this morning and finished packing and cleaning.  Then I sat and waited for an hour for Noi.  She took me to the post office to mail a couple boxes and then to the highway to catch a bus.  I’m now homeless.  It should feel like a huge relief, fear, excitement, sadness or something, but it just feels empty.  All my belongings fit into 4 bags or were mailed back to Colorado.  I’m setting off on a travel adventure and I’m not excited about it.  I feel lonely, but not sad lonely, just alone.  And there seems to be no point in anything.  Why travel?  Why go home?  Oh, I have no home to go to, just a storage shed full of stuff and a car I can’t afford.  Should I sell everything I own and wander?  Should I build a new home in Colorado or somewhere else?  Where?  I was restless and uncomfortable when I did have a home and I’m restless and uncomfortable without one.  So, home or no home is not the answer.  I wanted to get lost – I’m lost.  So, I guess I’ll just wander and be lost or empty or full or alone or not and see what I see and see what happens next.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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More Beach

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

After breakfast and some pool time, my friend arrived at the hotel.  We changed rooms in the hotel.  We went to Seminyak beach which is a busier beach than the one the hotel is near.  It still wasn’t the crowded mess I had heard of.  The streets in Seminyak were crowded with traffic and lined with stores, but it had a nice feel to it, I thought.  We went in search of a place that would do henna tattoos, but failed on that hunt.  Better hunting tomorrow.  They do the bean bag beach bars here too, but there’s a lot more of them.  I got some pictures of them after they had set up for the sunset crowd.  I didn’t get any pictures of them at sunset, but it was nice to just sit in bean bags and watch the waves come in.  We also bought a couple of movies to take back to the hotel.  I was surprised that Allegiant was already out.  But when we went to buy it, they said it might not be good quality.  Aha, it’s an illegal copy.  We got it anyway.  It was ok quality.

I’m feeling a combination of opposites.  I’m tired of people.  I’m tired of being alone.  I don’t want to go back to work, but I’m missing the lack of routine.  I’m tired of doing.  I’m tired of sitting still.   I feel out of place.  I don’t like heat.  I don’t like heat – oh wait, no opposite there.  I feel like I should decide what I’m going to do with my life after teaching.  But why do I have to decide that now?  How is making a decision now living in the flow of life?  I’m trying to live now and the future keeps hopping into my thoughts.  When it does, it brings anxiety and “should” and exhaustion.  Overall, I spend an enormous amount more of my time living now, but the future still has a bit of a hold on me.  And, now that I am so much more aware, I can feel what living for the future does to a body so much stronger.  So, I just watch it when it happens and note how it makes me feel and question who is watching.  I think this is all part of a bigger shift trying to happen.

I found it easier when I was watching the sunset yesterday to just melt into oneness and now than I did tonight.  I think it’s harder for me when I’m with other people.  I still have thoughts that tell me I have to be a certain way, have conversations, do things, be witty, be nice, behave like all the other people, etc.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore20160420_153825

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Beach

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

We got up this morning and found a place for breakfast.  It wasn’t very good.  Then we hung out at the Best Western pool until it was time to take Carly to the airport.  They had a really nice pool.

I drove the POS for the last time and was so excited to drop it off.  That might have been the highlight of the day.  I said goodbye to Carly and got a taxi to my new hotel near the beach.  I’ve heard that Kuta and Seminyak are both dirty and over touristy and that I wouldn’t enjoy them.  From my one night in Kuta, I didn’t find it to be that bad, but I didn’t find it worth going back to either.  My hotel in Seminyak is great.

It was a 13 minute walk to the beach.  The beach wasn’t crowded at all.  I got there in time for sunset. There was a beach bar that I hung out at for dinner and sunset.  I was hoping to meet some people and have a nice conversation, but that didn’t happen.  But as I sat there, I just felt how alone I was and then for a while, I didn’t even exist.  I could have stayed like that all night, but I had to go to the bathroom and that kinda broke the not existing experience.  Now, note, I said “alone”.  Did you read “lonely”?  Did you put a negative story on the word “alone”?  Did you assume that if I had met people and had a nice conversation that that would have been the “better” outcome?  “Alone” is not the same as “lonely”, not even close.  Now read it again without judgement, good or bad, or should be.  Do you get a different picture?

So, this is the right way to do a beach bar.  Put on some music, have a bunch of bean bags to sit on, put out some pretty lights, serve drinks and food.  This is as simple, brilliant and perfect as it gets.  Naysayers 0, Seminyak 1.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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Very cool shower
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Yes.  Yes it does.

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On By rrainefioreIn Antarctica Job Search, Awakening, Job SearchLeave a comment

I got home late last night and was so delighted to be home alone in my very quiet house.  This morning I got up and felt overwhelmed with everything that still has to be done to leave and I felt totally and completely alone, lonely.  How can alone be wonderful last night and feel devastating today?  I’ve been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want, yet, now I feel like I am actively choosing it.  I cried a lot today.  Some of it was my friend’s stuff that I was carrying after visiting them.  Some of it is because I just feel beat up with all the last minute Antarctica stuff.  I have lost the ability to make decisions.  I can’t pack or research because I don’t know where I’m going.  I don’t know if I am selling or renting my house.  I am stuck.  I had so much trouble working today or doing anything for that matter.  Because one major decision can’t be made, my ability to make any decision is lost.  This is very uncomfortable.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore