Tag: Antarctica

Better…No…Yes…Wait, No. I don’t know

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

It was nice to sleep in a cool, clean room last night instead of my dirty house.  But I didn’t sleep well because I just kept thinking of how much work I have tomorrow trying  to clean and block things up.

Tip told me she had someone to help clean my house today and told me how much they wanted to get paid – deal!  The school janitor came over today to look at blocking up some of the holes in the house.  He said he could do it tomorrow.  Yay!  I did laundry and hung out at Tip’s house the rest of the day.  Yet, I still don’t feel better.

A conversation with Tip confused me.  She was asking if I knew anyone else that could help clean the house or if I could ask Pat to find someone to help.  So, were the people she though would help now not able to?  The rest of the conversation confused me and got way lost in translation.  Of course, I can’t speak Thai so I’m no help.  By the end of the conversation I was pretty sure someone is showing up at 4:00pm, but who knows?  After this I just wanted to get on an airplane and cry the whole way back to the US.  But there are no taxis here and no airport so I’m stuck.  I wonder why this I feel so bad.  I know that even though I  have no idea what’s going on, someone will clean my house today.  It’s like riding the bus with vague directions.  It doesn’t seem like it will work, but it works.  So, I question why I feel like fleeing.  Then it hits me, I’m going through culture shock again.  I’ve been gone for 2 months and I wasn’t here long enough before for this to feel like home.  I feel like a burden.  I feel stupid for not being able to speak Thai.  I don’t like a living quality below what I had in the US.  It’s so hot I can barely move.  All of this is being blown out of proportion into despair because of culture shock – too many things at once.

I went to the market at 3:00.  I love the market.  It scares me because I get so many strange looks and I have no idea what most people are saying to me.  I just smile.  It scares me because of all the strange food – not just the scary food like frogs in a bucket, but I have no idea if I will like that veggie or fruit or how to cook it.  I can ask how much and understand the answer, but that’s about it.  I love the feel of the market and knowing the person I’m paying is probably the person that grew the food.  I felt a little better after the market.

After the market, two ladies showed up at Tip’s house and followed me to mine to clean it!  See, why didn’t I trust.  At some point I pulled a black trash bag out from under the stairs.  It has been there since I moved in.  It moved.  I screamed.  One of the ladies grabbed it, took it outside and beat it with a broom handle until it stopped moving.  I didn’t look in the bag, but she confirmed it was a tokay.  So now my house is clean and the tokay is gone.  I did some more laundry and ate some celebratory ice cream.

As I’m sitting outside the 7-11 eating my ice cream a couple ladies walk by.  One asks me something and I look sadly at her since I have no idea what she asked.  She then asks me in English where I am from.  I tell her America.  She asks  how long I am here.  I explain I am teaching and will be here until September.  She asks if I am teaching at Sam Ngao Witt, which I am.  Then she asks me if I will come visit her at her house some time.  She points down the road and tells me it’s way down the road.  It’s the orange house.  I told her I would.  She makes me promise.  I don’t even know her name, but I’ve been invited to her house.

I’m so hot that I don’t know if taking a shower will do any good.  My plan is to take a shower, crawl into bed with the fan on and don’t move.  I can work on my computer and try to sleep.  I get a text from Tip telling me it’s hot and I should stay at her place again.  I feel bad having them take care of me.  I feel grateful at the same time.  As I’m coming downstairs to shower, I see a huge tokay.  I’m not sure if I can even get down the stairs.  He’s not blocking the stairs – he’s on the window screen.  I’m sure he won’t jump out and attack me, but still……I take a couple pictures, of course.  I manage to get down the stairs.  I want to open the window screen and shue him out, but I just can’t get that close.  I abandon the plan and go to Tip’s house.  I am done.  I don’t know if I can do this for 5 months – no ac and a never ending supply of large lizzards.

I showed the pictures to Ging and Tip and asked if this is normal to have these in your house.  They said yes.  Ging sees them in her house all the time.  “If you chase one out, another comes in”.  So, now I want to run away and cry again.

It did motivate me to apply for Antarctica jobs again.  I should have been working on lesson plans, but I suck at making lesson plans so I searched the Antarctica jobs instead.  They get posted in March so I’m a bit late to the game.  Right now cold and very few (no?) bugs or tokays sounds amazing!

 

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On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

Enough of this stuck I can’t make decisions place.  This needs to be worked through.  I’m calling for help. I had a session with my coach on how stuck I feel and how I’m not quite on board with a life where I never know what’s next.  I don’t like it.  He asked me to ground and get in touch with my passion for going to Antarctica.  I couldn’t find it.  Then process came up and I cried (I usually cry).  What came up for me is that all I want is to be married and stay at home and make art out of my my studio.  I just want to create and make things, not have to worry about where the money will come from.  Oh, so I want the feminine flow side of life without the worry of the male purpose.  Whoa.  If you look at this decision from the male/female energy perspective, I am trying to decide between the very masculine Antarctica option and the very feminine teaching in Thailand option.  Hmmmmm……  Ok, unstuck, carry on.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

First Snow

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Beautiful ColoradoLeave a comment

I woke up to snow.  Oh my god I love snow.  Just seeing it on the trees and shuffling it around with my feet made me so happys.  What problems?  What stress?  Who cares if I’m alone?  Job Schmob.  How does frozen water do this?  It must be magic.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Still no interview for Antarctica.  The HR guy said maybe next week.  Next week I have to pay for my TEFL class or not.

On By rrainefioreIn Antarctica Job Search, Awakening, Job SearchLeave a comment

I got home late last night and was so delighted to be home alone in my very quiet house.  This morning I got up and felt overwhelmed with everything that still has to be done to leave and I felt totally and completely alone, lonely.  How can alone be wonderful last night and feel devastating today?  I’ve been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want, yet, now I feel like I am actively choosing it.  I cried a lot today.  Some of it was my friend’s stuff that I was carrying after visiting them.  Some of it is because I just feel beat up with all the last minute Antarctica stuff.  I have lost the ability to make decisions.  I can’t pack or research because I don’t know where I’m going.  I don’t know if I am selling or renting my house.  I am stuck.  I had so much trouble working today or doing anything for that matter.  Because one major decision can’t be made, my ability to make any decision is lost.  This is very uncomfortable.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

WTF

On By rrainefioreIn Antarctica Job Search, Awakening, ThailandLeave a comment

Tonight I went down to my room after the workshop was over and listened to my voicemail.  There was a message from someone at PAE asking if I would be interested in the Construction Superintendent job at McMurdo.  This is the job I really wanted in Antarctica.  I am well suited for this job.  The job would start in January.  I had assumed I was going to Thailand and worked through my disappointment over not going to Antarctica.  At first I felt angry and frustrated.  I’ve been waiting for this since March.  Why wait this long?  Why now?  I’ve packed most of my clothes.  I’ve paid $1400 in vaccinations.  I have a plane ticket to Thailand.  My deposit for my TEFL class is paid.  I paid for international health insurance for a year.  I told everyone I am going to Thailand.  What the fuck?!  Now I might have to make decisions.  I told Wendy, Michael and Ed and they are all excited for me.   I don’t feel excited.  I feel chaos and stress.  Michael said “Oh, does life support Rraine?  This is what you want”.  This is what I want, but it didn’t come in the package I wanted.  I spent years knowing I was quitting my job and doing something else, but not knowing what that something would be.  It was so uncomfortable not knowing, not having a plan.  I felt weak, indecisive, terrified, and stupid.  Then when I finally made a plan to go to Thailand, it felt solid.  Now I may abandon my plan and I’m back to feeling all those things again.  Fuck you life, I can’t make this decision.  So, I broke it down – why am I upset?  I will lose all the money I have already spent – ok, it’s just money and there will be more money.  I may appear flakey to the TEFL company and they may not want to postpone my class.  Why do I care what they think?  I’m afraid all the people I told I was going to Thailand will judge me.  Again, why do I care what they think?  I’m not even close most of the “they”.  Those that are close to me get it.  It’s my judge.  It’s my inner mom telling me I have to finish what I start.  I have to do what I said I would do.  It’s fear of not having a plan (code for control over the situation).  Without a plan, I will have nothing and won’t be able to take care of myself and then I’ll die.  I feel unstable without a plan.  I feel extra unstable if I abandon the perfectly good plan I had.  I’m upset because this will add more to my to-do list and it’s already ridiculous.  These and many I didn’t list are the surface reasons I am upset, but they are just there to distract me from the base issue.  The base issue is that if I get this job, the one I wanted, I will have to accept the fact that Life does support me.  This is contrary to everything I have ever believed.  My entire life and much of my personality is based on the belief that there is not enough for me.  This is what I’ve been working on so hard.  I want reality to flip and to really get it that life supports me.  I will have to live from the new truth, to not know and trust and change – forever.  It’s so silly that this is so hard.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Interview

On By rrainefioreIn Antarctica Job SearchLeave a comment

I had a phone interview today for the Facilities Engineer job in Antarctica.  The interview went great, but the job isn’t for me.  It was an alternate position in case something goes wrong with the primary.  I would have to train in fire ground school or WFR and then sit and wait for the primary to get sick, hurt or wig out.  The Facilities Engineer deals with all the things that make the buildings work.  I know nothing about heating systems, electrical systems, etc..  I have no doubt I could learn it quickly, but I’m not sure I want the stress of keeping buildings running when the outside is so hostile.  I don’t like the alternate concept either.  At some point in the interview, the manager said I was a great fit for Antarctica and I should apply for other jobs next year.  I told him I applied for 58 jobs.  He sounded so surprised and asked what jobs.  I listed a bunch and told him the Construction Superintendent job at McMurdo was the one I was best suited for.  A minute later he put me on hold when he saw the hiring manager for that job and took my resume over to him.  If I’m going to be considered further for the job, they will call me for an in person interview next week.  If I get called for a second interview, I’ll go in and see what happens, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t the job for me.

Things I learned about living at the South Pole today and found fascinating:  It’s at an elevation of 9,300 feet, but can feel like it’s over 11,000 when the barometric pressure changes ……what?  Awesome.  They have a hydroponic garden so they can have fresh food.  There’s around 40 people there in the winter.  It’s only accessible from October to February.  They only get 8 hours of internet a day since the satellite is only over the pole for 8 hours a day.  Temperatures can range from -4 degrees to -100 degrees.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore