I’ve been wondering what I should write about next for my blog. My Thailand adventures seemed like a logical thing to write about. The daily accounting of what it was like to do a fast seemed like an interesting thing to share. But now what? Do you want to hear about the day to day joys of being an engineer? Probably not. Do you want to hear about what it’s like to buy a house in the ridiculous Colorado economy and then the mundane “I unpacked another 4 boxes today and painted a wall”. Not really.
Right now, our country is in turmoil. The news is painful to watch. There is so much drama everywhere. I’ve decided to write about the beautiful things I encounter each week (maybe more often, maybe less). I want to experience more beautiful things. I want to enjoy life more. I want to have better connection. Maybe you do too. Maybe by sharing the beautiful things, it will strengthen their memory and bring more my way. Maybe by reading about them, it will bring a little light into your day and help you look for them in your life.
It’s Day 9, my new halfway point. I woke up sad today. I have no idea what I was sad about. I was more light headed too. The weekend lodge guests are noisy. They bang around and slam doors so I didn’t sleep as late as I would have liked.
My stomach was gurgley in the morning and I was hungry. At least that didn’t last long. A little water fixed that up. My face is starting to get blotchy and it looks like eczema or a rash is coming up. I’m starting to have trouble putting all the words in the right order to talk. Some words are missing altogether. Some words just are wrong and make no sense. It’s difficult to type for the same reason. In the evening I felt miserable like I had the flu. This is common so I wasn’t worried, but it sure was unpleasant.
I got to go on a “field trip” today. Brooke, George and Miriam are hear doing the Gerson therapy so they get to eat. They have way more energy than me. They decided to take quick 1 hour tours to go see some of Sedona. The doctor said I could go if I didn’t do any hiking or 4 wheeling, neither of which sounded good to me anyway. We went to see the Chapel of the Holy Cross. I didn’t go up to the chapel because the walkway looked ridiculous to me, but it was a nice overlook so I sat and overlooked. Then we went to Bell Rock, but the parking lot was completely full so we said “hey look at Bell Rock” and went back to the lodge. That felt like enough touring for me so I didn’t go out with them later.
I contacted all the mothers (3) for Mother’s Day. I sat in the sun. I sat in the shade. Sun. Shade. Doing the reptile thing. The gong healing guy didn’t come. I walked the 20 miles (not really) to the yurt for this. The Innkeeper came down and told us he could do a drum healing for us instead if we liked. He used the bottom of a plastic bin that was in the yurt. It was amazing. We were all blissed out in minutes. Later I skyped with Peggy – so wonderful to see a familiar loving face. I really enjoyed it. During the flu hours, I watched netflix.
The shocking thing of the day was when I got dressed and saw my body in the mirror. My tight skinny jeans are just….jeans. I see the body I had 20 years ago. It looks and feels so familiar. It feels normal, natural. It feels like me. This is the me in my head. This is the body and the me I am still identified with. This is the body I had when I was in my best athletic shape, when I moved to and fell in love with Colorado, when every weekend was full of camping, climbing, kayaking or skiing, when I met my husband, when I was excited about being a professional engineer with big career goals, when I felt beautiful, when I was invincible. I realize I’m identified with my body and that’s not who I am. I am not my body. But I didn’t realize I was identified with a body I haven’t owned in 15 years.
Mid-January, I went to Wisconsin to visit my Mom. The thing on the plane that just was so obvious to me is how loud everyone is. Why do people have to talk so loud? I’m on a plane where the engine noise is already loud, but I can still hear individual conversations. The person you are talking to is right next to you, why do you have to include me in your conversation? They weren’t even interesting conversations. It was a whole plane of “look how cool I am”. Exhausting. The rest of the world is right, Americans are loud and talk too much.
It was good to see Mom. Her new place is nice and the people that work there are nice. She was playing Bingo when I got there. They have three meals a day and activities. She has a small kitchen in her apartment so she could still cook if she wanted to. I’m very glad she was able to move out of her condo into assisted living.
I helped Mom with some shopping. I took her to Target with me. I wondered if it would be too much. It was. It is a big store and even though we only walked part of it, it was too much. But she wanted to go to three different stores so I think that would have been worse. We went out to lunch a couple times and also went to church. It was great to spend time with her and see her new place.
At church, the preacher was starting a new program with the congregation. It had steps and things to do. It sounded like a program that would go on for a month or two and involved extra study or practice outside of Sunday church. I remember feeling a sense of hope come over the congregation as he talked about the upcoming program and how it was going help make everyone’s year great. I remember doing workshops, study groups, and programs like this at church when I was in high school. I remember the sense of hope at the beginning – This is going to change my life – This is the answer to everything – This is going to fix everything – This is going to get me on the right path. In some of the programs I grew and gained new knowledge. I can’t say any of them changed my life. Some sent me on a new path. I never found the answer to everything. I can’t say any of them were ever bad, but I noticed something as I sat there in this old familiar feeling (I really like this familiar feeling). The level of hope at the beginning is so strong and is a feeling far stronger than the outcome ever was. I realized that it wasn’t just hope, but a feeling of control. Oh great, this person has all the answers and if I just do all the steps in this program, follow all the learning, I too will have all the answers. Then I will finally have control of my life, my emotions, my finances, my spirituality, my love live, etc. In the past, as the programs went on, I learned, but I never became in control of anything. I never got the carrot I was chasing. As it turns out, I cannot control life. This is also a good example of living in the future. I felt so wonderful at the beginning of one of these programs because of the promise of a better future. Hope and planning and learning can be tricky. Hope feels so wonderful and is a huge motivator so we label it as a good thing, but then don’t acknowledge that we are rejecting the present moment and living in the future. We assume that if we don’t have hope then we must have the opposite, despair, a bad attitude, disbelief or pessimism. What if life doesn’t have to be an either / or situation. What if we can be present and plan when the time is right for planning, learn when the learning comes, and know that the future will be great just because it will and not because we are using hope to avoid being present now.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
Mom and some of her neighborsMom taking a selfieSome of my old needlework I found at Mom’sMore needlework
Here’s an interesting experience. I had heard people complaining about big brother always watching. The new theory I heard was that even when we aren’t talking on the phone, if our cell phone is nearby, it is recording us so that big brother knows what we are talking about. Then adds for things you talked about show up on facebook or other websites later. My first thought is, who cares? If someone wants to listen to everything I say, how are they going to use it against me? They are just going to be rather bored, I think. Then after a conversation about IKEA, it shows up as an add on facebook. I’ve never searched for IKEA or furniture on line. As a test my roommates and I picked an obscure subject and talked about it incessantly one evening – Craw fish boil. Nothing ever showed up for any of us about Louisiana, craw fish, cooking or anything related. I kind of hoped it would.
I’m back at my old job. It’s nice because it’s familiar. It’s overwhelming because it’s a lot of work and I’m having trouble switching into face paced work mode.
I’ve been meeting up with some friends which is nice. I’ve been watching a bunch of movies. I’m still having trouble sleeping. I wake up somewhere in the middle of the night, not awake enough to get up and do something, but not asleep either. Then I sleep too late in the morning. I’m trying to just be patient and kind to myself. I’m sure some of it is my body adjusting to the altitude, food and lifestyle changes. I assume some of it is reverse culture shock as I just don’t feel at home. I feel lost. I don’t feel like I belong here. I don’t feel welcome in my own city. I feel like I should do something, but I don’t know what to do. Then even if I know what to do, I don’t want to do anything. I feel the need to do, but I don’t want to do. My old life, and most people’s lives are centered around doing. I want to be, but I still don’t know how to be. “Knowing” how to be is actually “doing” being. That doesn’t work. So, some days I get up and do. Others I get up and exist (be) without the need to do. A lot of mornings I get up, decide that the do/be dilemma is too much to handle and I go back to bed. The nice thing about all this is that I don’t judge myself and even though I wouldn’t call this Joy or Happiness, I don’t need it to be some “good” feeling. There is nothing wrong with it just being slightly uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with it being anything other than a do/be battle that sometimes goes the way of do, sometimes be and sometimes sleep.
There are 3 people from Singapore on our trip. The husband barely talks to anyone and is so completely controlled by his wife. The wife has a judgmental opinion about everything. The 16 year old daughter is quiet too. I watch the mother make everything into a drama. Then she can mitigate the drama and be the family hero and control the family. Then she creates a drama, mitigates it, controls. It’s fascinating to watch. So, then I ask myself, where do I create dramas so that I may “be in control”? I think, more often I create dramas to keep the “poor me” going. Thanks mirror. What other ways am I resisting True Nature? What am I resisting? How and why are you creating drama?
I’ve had horrible allergies most of my life. I had to take allergy medicine every day of my life from 2nd grade until about 4 years ago. I was allergic to all grasses, pine trees, dust, anything that blooms, citrus, tomatoes, all green vegetables, all melon, cats and dogs. With all the investigation I’ve done and the awakening work, I discovered that I had a belief that life is not safe. I was adopted. I have a deep fear from this, from whatever I experienced in my first days, weeks, months of life. Because this is long before the cognitive part of my brain existed, it is stuck in my nervous system, my blood system and in the deep parts of the brain. Because this belief is so deeply rooted, I cannot talk, reason or think it away. Because it’s so basic to who I am, I actually created a world that is not safe by being allergic to everything. I created a world to match this belief. After much work on this through movement and letting the fear and loss be expressed, my allergies disappeared. The past 4 years I’ve been able to live with only taking allergy medicine once a month or less. Since I’ve been on this tour, I’ve been sick with a sinus infection and now that is better, my allergies are horrible. My nose and eyes are so itchy that I think I may go insane. I’m sneezing a lot. Ah ha – this is completely connected to the “not enough for me” I was feeling earlier in the trip. This is just a different manifestation of the same issue. Then I also have an issue where I get so tired of people not listening to me. I get interrupted. I have to say things 2 or 3 times because the person wasn’t listening. Or I just get ignored. I try to be understanding, but it just makes me not want to talk, not want to connect with people. (My magic tattoo isn’t working). I had a minor meltdown yesterday because of this. This is the same issue too. Add on that I’m scared about going home. I’m scared of reverse culture shock. I’m scared of finding how I fit when I’ve changed so much. Life is not safe = Not enough for me = I’m small, insignificant, unimportant, unloved, unwanted = back hurts = feet hurt = allergies = fear.
Here are some of the random thoughts running around in my head lately. They may or may not be related to each other.
A feeling that is coming up a lot for me is the feeling that there is not enough for me. It has been coming up every day especially around the time to eat and when we get to a new accommodation. What if I’m the last one in line, there won’t be any food left. Oh my god, I have to make sure that doesn’t happen. What if there aren’t enough beds for me? What if I have to sleep in a room with 10 people? Oh My God. I have no idea where this is coming from. It’s somehow connected to the unwanted thing I’ve been feeling too. So, more on this later as it makes itself clear.
It seems that everywhere I go, there is a cute guy. I kind of hoped I would meet someone special on vacation or while in Thailand, but I always find myself attracted to one person on the tour or boat that I’m on. Then I start wondering what they think, who are they, are they interested, etc. Why can’t I just enjoy people’s company without there always having to be a potential of my future boyfriend. It’s very frustrating. Is this just human nature or am I still resisting alone and oneness? Has anything really changed on this journey? My feet have been hurting a lot lately and I think I am noticing that they hurt more when I’m thinking about a guy. Then again, if I’m thinking of guys, my head is in the future. So, is the foot hurting more global about living in the future instead of being present. I feel like 80% to 90% of me is present most of the time, but the rest is living in thoughts about the future. Then I am aware that I am in the future. Then I’m in the future and present at the same time. Future = Foot hurts.
Here are some good AH Almass quotes from the book I am reading. They better explain what I was writing about a while ago. Even if what we are experiencing isn’t “happy”, “peace”, “joy” or some other perceived good thing, we can still be present with it and see what we learn. It doesn’t have to be seen as bad or suffering. Instead, be curious and experience it fully. “Even if we can stay present with an emotion or manifestation, it doesn’t immediately transform into its True Nature. An emotion is not just a simple reaction to whatever is happening in the present situation. Usually the emotion has an entire history”. He’s talking about being aware, being an observer on the outside. I am very good at this and it’s happening almost 100% of my day. But he is also talking about a different level of being present. This, is what I tried to explain in past blogs: “Normal awareness is observing experience from a distance, with the detachment of a subject viewing an object. Not only noticing it, but you are also in contact with it, you are touching it, feeling it, sensing it’s texture and quality. You are not only looking at it from the outside, you are aware of it from the inside as well and from all directions, from everywhere. So presence brings in the quality of immediacy of awareness, which means having no distance between the awareness and what we are aware of”.
I think Americans are the loud kid on the playground – Hey look at me!
I would consider doing odd jobs and “lesser” jobs to live abroad, but not at home. Why?
Warning: Spiritual big concept stuff in this blog. If you aren’t into that and you just want to see pretty pictures of China or hear funny tales of adventure, tune in later this week.
Yep, my sketchy flight from Phuket to Bangkok ended up being legit. Go Thailand! I got into my hotel in Bangkok and was hungry and sore so I headed out for dinner and a massage even though I needed to be going to bed to get up early for my flight to China. There was a food market nearby. I didn’t see anything I wanted so I had coconut ice cream for dinner. After massage I had a crepe with mystery green goo (pandan?), sprinkles and jelly balls. This did not make for a healthy dinner, but it was quite delicious.
During massage the word “forgive” kept coming to me. Ok, got it, forgiveness. I tried to figure out who or what I need to forgive. During massage, it felt like the list is so long that it is comical. It doesn’t feel like any big injustices, just a lifetime of tiny judgements and petty gripes. This isn’t a 12 step process and I don’t think listing them all out makes sense or is useful. The big one, the original one is the one that all the others are actually built on. For any person or event that I haven’t forgiven, it’s not actually about that person or event, it’s still the original. Years ago I discovered that I had a belief that life itself is unsafe and that I was angry with life/myself/god/the greater power/the universe or whatever you want to believe is the greater power or knowledge out there. I was angry, scared and mistrusting. As I’ve worked on this over the years, my allergies have been disappearing, my non working thyroid started working again as well many other healthy changes in my body. As much as I have worked and as much as I have let go, I think there’s more. I don’t think forgive at this level I’m working on is “I forgive you for being mean” or “I understand you didn’t know better, so it’s ok”. There’s ego in that. There’s a sense of blaming “you were wrong” and a sense of ego “I am the bigger person and I forgive you”. The forgive that is coming up is not that. It doesn’t have to do with a person, a situation or an event. It is a letting go and surrender, again not of a situation or event. It is to let go of everything – every event, good or bad, every person, every interaction, every judgement, every belief, the world as I know it, everything I think I am, everything I ever wanted to be. I have been working on this little bit by little bit for years. Investigate this feeling, that belief, this relationship, looking into every nook and crany of my brain. I have changed and made it quite far in this process. But, it’s still me, my idealized self image, a series of thoughts in the brain that is making all this “progress”. In an earlier post I talked about how I wanted to live abroad not to find myself, but to lose myself. The forgive that is coming up is to let go to the point that I lose myself.
When I speak of myself, I don’t mean I won’t remember who my friends and family are or that I will simply cease to exist, or I’ll become a monk and sit on a mountain top meditating for the rest of my life. I’m referring to the self image, who I think I am which is just a series of synapses in the brain routed and created from my experiences and interpretations of those experiences. I am not the synapses and memories in my brain. I am something else completely (so are you).
I got to the airport in the morning for my flight to China. I found most everyone to be annoying. I found myself to be very judgmental about the way one person acted or another was dressed. People were in my personal space. The airplane music threatened to send me in a downward spiral. Why is airplane music so bad? Why do we have to have music on the airplane anyway? Is it really soothing anyone that is scared? It’s just there to piss me off. What’s wrong with no music? Although most of the day went smoothly, I found everything to be either stressful or annoying. Apparently, I was not letting go and forgiving yesterday.
Today was the first day of my China tour and it was wonderful. I’ll cover the details of that in another blog. But as I sit here tonight trying to put “forgive” into words that will make sense, I can feel it happening. I feel a lightness in my body kind of like being light headed, but over the whole body. It feels like the cells on the outside of my body are slowly breaking apart and floating away. They are shiny and glass like, but have no weight. It feels like disintegration. So, now I’m heading off to sleep or disintegrate or both.
Last night there was apocalyptic thunder. It shook the whole house. The electricity went out twice. I remember storms like this in Florida, but have never seen (heard) storms like this in Colorado. I was so dizzy and feverish that I just hoped that the storm didn’t take down the house because I would be unable to move to safety.
I got up this morning and finished packing and cleaning. Then I sat and waited for an hour for Noi. She took me to the post office to mail a couple boxes and then to the highway to catch a bus. I’m now homeless. It should feel like a huge relief, fear, excitement, sadness or something, but it just feels empty. All my belongings fit into 4 bags or were mailed back to Colorado. I’m setting off on a travel adventure and I’m not excited about it. I feel lonely, but not sad lonely, just alone. And there seems to be no point in anything. Why travel? Why go home? Oh, I have no home to go to, just a storage shed full of stuff and a car I can’t afford. Should I sell everything I own and wander? Should I build a new home in Colorado or somewhere else? Where? I was restless and uncomfortable when I did have a home and I’m restless and uncomfortable without one. So, home or no home is not the answer. I wanted to get lost – I’m lost. So, I guess I’ll just wander and be lost or empty or full or alone or not and see what I see and see what happens next.
This morning half my class was missing. Do I teach a class when half of them won’t get the lesson? How do I teach the other half later without boring the first half? I wasn’t sure what to do. Of course, they just wanted to play games instead of have class. Then I thought, I’m the teacher, I can do what I want. I don’t want to teach to half the class. So, we played scrabble and bingo. I had two classes in the afternoon and neither class showed up. Well, that means less lesson planning, but still, where were they? I texted Noi to tell her they hadn’t showed up since they were her classes too. She was at a seminar. She texted back that they went to join the mountain bike festival and they were all riding bikes all afternoon. She said I should have gone. They had enough bikes for teachers too. Then she sent me photos of the students and teachers riding. And this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am so over this place and the end of September is not soon enough to leave. There is nothing to do here. I work too much and when there is something to do, no one tells me. Pat and I talked about this in February and I told her I wanted to race when the festival happened. She didn’t see fit to tell me. Robin knows I want to bike, but he doesn’t see fit to tell me even though he’s already signed up to race in the road bike race. Noi tells me I should have gone with my class as if I’m some mind reader. How the fuck was I supposed to know my classes were doing this? Wouldn’t they learn more English by have an everyday conversation while riding bikes with their teacher instead of me sitting in an empty classroom by myself? How difficult is to send a text message – “no class today, go bike riding with them.”? And then everyone seems so surprised to hear I’m leaving. How is that surprising? Am I supposed to love living here when all I do is work or sit alone in my house? I would think people from a communal culture would get it.
Noi just kept sending me pictures of the fun I missed. I sat in the coffee shop crying for 20 minutes. I’ve been holding back so many tears. I haven’t been trying to hold them back, they just seem to hang out beneath the surface and never quite come up. I decided to go home and see if I could cry more. I felt like I could cry for days. I got home and no crying came. Huh, ok, so we’re done with that for the day. Then I decided to drive up to the dam and see what was going on. There was supposed to be a market and other festival activities. There was a massage tent set up and all four of the masseuses in town were there so I was able to get a massage from the man I usually go to on the weekends. There was a small child with squeeky shoes running around outside the massage tent. The shoes have squeekers like dog toy squeekers in them. She ran up and down the street for about 45 minutes. Squeek squeek squeek squeeeee squeek squeek squeeeeeeee squeek. There was also bad Thai music. So, I found some sort of relief in the fact that I had a massage to the sounds of bad Thai music and squeeky shoes. Then I found Tip and her family and hung out with them for a little bit. They went home kind of early (little children). I was intrigued by the shake that Dam (Tip’s son) got. It had condensed milk, some white cream I can only guess was white sugar in liquid form, ice and grape jello. She put everything in a blender and mixed up real good before adding the jello. That she barely hit the blender for so that it was still in chunks. Then she threw powdered ovaltine in the cup at the halfway mark and on top. I’m not sure if this would be good or horrible. I should have ordered one just to see what it was all about, but I didn’t. I have no idea how to order it now.
I ate dinner alone by the river. It was kind of sad, but also quite relaxing. I’ve had enough people for the day. The lights on the bridge lit up the water below. That brought lots of bugs and that brought lots of fish. The surface of the water moved an rippled as bugs moved on top and things moved underneath. It wasn’t fish jumping. It was more like snakes or river monsters gliding just below the surface. It was fascinating to watch. I vowed never to swim in the river – ever.
There was a beer garden and a stage so I went to check that out after eating. The beer garden looked very uninviting as it was only groups of people at reserved tables so I stood near the stage for a while. There’s no place to go hang out at night here so I was determined to hang out. A German guy walked by me and asked where I was from. He was kind of creepy and I didn’t really want to talk to him, but I couldn’t run away either. I told him I lived here and taught English as Sam Ngao Witt. He said that was a terrible school. He lives here and his son can’t speak English. I asked if his son could speak German. Oh yes. He told me about 6 or 7 times that that was a bad school and shook his head like I should leave school before I got killed. Ok, I’m not a fan of the school right now, but the fact that his son doesn’t speak English is just as much his fault as the school’s fault or his son’s fault and it doesn’t make the school a scary place. The conversation just got more difficult and awkward. Finally, he left and I decide that hanging out alone standing next to the beer garden listening to Thai music did not qualify as hanging out. I went home.
At home I wrote a facebook post about how frustrated I was and how, even though there are some wonderful things about living here, I’m ready to move on. I got a lot of responses telling me there’s no shame in giving up and moving on and a lot of “oh I’m sorry you have to suffer so much”. This is not the response I wanted. I don’t regret my decision to move here at all. I’m angry, but not suffering. I have no shame in moving on. I never mentioned shame. So, I realized that my facebook post did not paint the right picture. Or, people are so use to suffering and drama that they read what they want and use it to feed their need for drama. Or facebook is just not the right venue for such thoughts. So, I questioned why I wrote it in the first place. I know facebook works in this way. I know that most of the people reading it don’t know the rest of the story because they haven’t read my blogs. The people who read my blogs seemed to get it and respond in a way that showed they got it. I didn’t want the pity party or the “look on the bright side” or “here’s my advice because I know more than you”, but I knew I would get some of that. So, what did I want? Here’s what I figured out. 1. I was angry so I wanted to vent and there’s no one here to talk to. 2. I’m tired of people on facebook that say things like “oh you live in Thailand, how lucky” as if I’m sitting on a beach drinking Mai Thais instead of working my ass off and terrified of my own bathroom. I’m mad at these people. 3. I have friends that can’t be bothered to send me a text or email and say “hi, how are you?”. They only want to see me post pretty pictures so they can like them. I’m mad at these people. 4. I know I can’t confront Pat directly for the ways she has set me up for failure and for the fact that she can’t be bothered to spend 10 seconds to send me a text to tell me what’s going on. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose and that she is very stressed, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m mad about this too. I can’t confront her because you don’t confront people here and it would do more damage than good. Thai people deal with negative feelings mostly through passive aggressive behavior. Most of them truly don’t have negative feelings, but when they do, it’s socially unacceptable to show them. So, I think I was also hoping she’d see the post and know how I feel. Punish passive aggressive behavior with passive aggressive behavior. Well, that’s a shitty plan. So, no more pity party and no more posting things on facebook other than the pretty pictures. I deleted the post. If you really want to know what I think, tune in here. You’ll get plenty of it.
It is wonderful to be able to have an issue, feel like shit, question it and go “Oh, I was angry, that’s what was going on”. Then it’s over and there’s no guilt, no regret, no beating myself up. I have spent a lot of my life beating myself up and I no longer do that. I didn’t think I shouldn’t have written the facebook post or I shouldn’t be angry or poor me. This is why I deleted the post. I figured out why it wasn’t working for me, because people want to see all this drama that I just don’t see. I was angry long enough to cry for 20 minutes and long enough to write the post, but then once I wrote the words, I’m not angry anymore and moved on. So, by the time I got the responses the responses didn’t fit the situation anymore because my view of the situation had already changed. It just seemed silly to leave the post up. So, in other blogs when I talk about where I don’t think enlightenment is something that happens once and then you live happily ever after, this is what I’m talking about. I still get angry. I still have feelings. I still think things should be different than they are. Then I notice that something doesn’t fit, something is off and I question it. Then I learn and the whole body/system/process or what ever you want to call it is reset to a new place of balance or a new point of normal. Then you do it all again and again and again. Over time this process happens faster and faster. By the time you read this you are thinking, “Oh poor Rraine, she is suffering so much” and I’ve moved on and am thinking “What are you talking about? I’m not suffering. That was a whole minute ago. Everything is fine.” Living in the present doesn’t mean not having feelings, it just means not buying into the concept that those feelings define you. It means not buying into the concept that something is wrong if your feelings aren’t always happy, peaceful or some other thing we define positive to be. It’s not buying into the concept that something needs fixing. There’s nothing to be fixed, because nothing is wrong. And my decision is still to leave here in October, not because I want to end the suffering or because I’m miserable, or because the grass is greener over there. If I left for any of those reasons, I guarantee you there would be suffering and misery over there because if there’s suffering or misery, I’m the source of it, not the situation or location. I am leaving because this is no longer where I need to be.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
If you are a mother of a little girl, you probably have a unicorn in your purseTip, Fai and DamYes, my face is this greasy 24/7 hereFai is not loving the stationary bike
Rraine Drops 