Tag: Awakening to Presence

Retreat Center

On By rrainefioreIn Japan, UncategorizedLeave a comment

The main reason I came to Japan this time (and the last two times) was for Awakening To Presence workshops.  This year there were two workshops I attended.  The first one was an all graduate workshop with 20 people from four classes, both Japanese and Americans.  It was so wonderful to be with everyone, five days of living in the present moment with such beautiful people.

Since my body decided 5:00 – 6:00 in the morning is a good time to get up (even though breakfast isn’t until 8:00), I was able to get a walk in every morning.  A lot of my pictures are of beautiful scenes or flowers from walking near the retreat center. 

After we were done with the first week, it took three taxis to take us from the retreat center to the nearby town.  The first taxi was a van and was directed to come down to the farthest building to pick us up and take us up to our suitcases half way up the hill.  It scraped on trees as the driver tried to turn it around making horrible sounds of tree branches crushing metal.  It probably didn’t crush the metal, but I assume a lot of paint was scraped off and replaced with deep gouges.  The people that walked up the path beat the van by quite a bit. 

Then there was a lot of flurry as suitcases were moved around and put in the van.  I watched my suitcases go into the van so I followed them and got in the van.  Peggy and a bunch of the Japanese followed me into the van.  This left the other two Americans looking a bit lost, holding their luggage by the side of the path.  I’m sure they will end up in the same place.

When we got up to the main road, we found the other two taxis who were lost.  There was some conversation, probably around the lines of, ” don’t go down there, you can’t handle it”.  So we and all our luggage were booted from the van and moved to another van and off we went to the town of Ueda.

The original van and a car went to get the rest of the people and they did show up in the same place after us in Ueda.

My suitcase rolly handle broke.  I had been strapping my duffle bag to the top of my rolly carryon suitcase and the set up was awesome until it broke.  I could still roll the bag on semi flat surfaces, but I had to pick it up when the ground was uneven.  And now I had to carry the duffle.  It was all do-able, but definitely an upper body workout.  I looked for tape and couldn’t find any duct tape.  I tried a craft tape, but it was similar to electrical tape and worked for three minutes.

After a three day break, I went back for the second workshop.  I took an hour long bus ride hoping I was on the right bus.  I followed along on my map as we went and when we didn’t turn the wrong way at any forks in the road, I stayed on.  I did get off a stop or two early.  I think Google maps lead me astray.  It does pretty good, but has led me wrong before and most likely will again.  I watched the bus head off in the exact direction I needed to go.  I limped off behind it for three blocks with my broken suitcase and duffle bag in hand. 

Then I took a train to Tokyo and as I was waiting on the platform for my second train, I heard “Rraine!”. I looked toward the voice and there was Rika.  Rika is one of the other ATP graduates.  She was also headed to the second workshop.  She asked which train car I was on and I said “11”.  She said “Me too”.  We looked at our seats and she had the seat in front of me.  She looked online and found that no one had booked the seat next to me so we sat together on the ride.  She gave me half her lunch.

This second workshop was a new committed group of students.  I was one of the assistants along with Rika and Yuri.  There were also three more assistants who are just starting their assistant training program.  The workshop was intense and wonderful.  It was the smoothest most grounded group of assistants I have worked with.  A true joy.

There are a lot of unspoken rules at the retreat center or maybe not unspoken, but lost in translation.  In the hall where we meet, each sliding glass door had five doors – four glass and one screen.  When someone is going to do process work, the doors get closed, but I’m not sure why – we are on the side of a mountain in the forest – no one to disturb.  Then part way through the emotional processing, the doors get opened.  I can’t seem to figure out the doors.  You’d think five doors would be manageable, but I seemed to always have three glass doors on one side and one on the other or two and two, but not the right two so shortly later, someone would fix it.  I gave up trying after a couple days.

Another confusing thing was laundry.  I wanted to do laundry on the third day here.  It had to go up the chain of command.  Then I was told at least four different things by different people.  Maybe the 8th or the 9th.  Maybe 8:00, 9:00 or 10:00.  I decided to be ready and wait until some one said, “laundry now”.  I got shown twice how to do and where to do laundry.  No one was going to let me go un-laundried.  I so appreciated people making sure I was taken care of. 

Every day was a similar question about bathing.  When do you want to bathe?  They have two Japanese style public baths and it was quite the process to figure out when and which bath to use.  But, again, I was not going to go unbathed.  When I had to do laundry a second time, I didn’t ask, I just snuck off and did it.  There were rules about washing dishes – I figured those out by watching and mimicking.  There were rules about getting clean towels and turning in the dirty ones – I messed that up once.

One of my favorite things near the retreat center was a field (farm?) of azalea bushes.  During the first workshop there were some pink and some orange azaleas blooming.  By the second week, other shades of pink, red and white started to bloom.  Each day, there seemed to be more.  One day as I approached the azaleas I noticed them humming.  It seemed as if they were singing to me.  Of course, every bush was covered in happy bees and other pollinators.  It was actually the insects humming.  I decided not to walk through the bushes.

Bugs.  The forest is full of bugs.  Each day I tried to sit out in the sun after lunch.  Each day I went to the afternoon session feeling all itchy.  Inside the hall there are stink bugs – the prehistoric looking bugs that move v.e.r.y slowly.  There are spiders and ants inside too.  Each room had a small brush and dustpan for scooping up bugs and taking them outside.  There seemed to be less than I remembered last year so I was grateful for that.  There were some cool looking moths and butterflies too.  One night I was getting ready for bed and heard tapping on my glass door.  It startled me.  I looked out and saw a big green moth about four inches wide trying to get in.  I turned off my light in hopes he would find another better light to fly to.  During the second workshop there was a small room that no one was staying in adjacent to my small room.  There were at least four to five stink bugs in my room each night.  So when I went to take a bath, I would leave the light on in the empty room, turn my light off and open the door between the rooms.  It worked sometimes to draw the bugs out of my room .

And last, but not least – the bear.  A bear was seen in a nearby area, but not at the retreat center.  It still seemed to be close enough to be of concern.  And Japanese bears have been eating humans lately.  Huh? At dinner we had the bear talk – What to do if you came across a bear.  It appears you should curl up in a ball on the ground and cover your head.  I’m going to stick with the plan of walk slowly the other way.  We should avoid going outside at night or in the early morning.  The next afternoon I was sitting in the itchy spot and quite a few students were amazed that I wasn’t afraid to sit outside – what about the bear? 

That night I had to walk in the dark by myself to the bath house – remember Rraine will not go unbathed.  On my way back, only fifty feet from my building, I heard something large in the forest running, rustling the leaves.  Even though it was obvious from the sound that I scared it and it was running away from me, it startled me so bad I jumped and ran to the porch of the building .  So, my plan to walk away slowly didn’t work.

Overall, a couple of fabulous weeks in Japan.

Beautiful Things

On By rrainefioreIn Beautiful Things, Uncategorized3 Comments

I’ve been wondering what I should write about next for my blog.  My Thailand adventures seemed like a logical thing to write about.  The daily accounting of what it was like to do a fast seemed like an interesting thing to share.  But now what?  Do you want to hear about the day to day joys of being an engineer?  Probably not.  Do you want to hear about what it’s like to buy a house in the ridiculous Colorado economy and then the mundane “I unpacked another 4 boxes today and painted a wall”.  Not really.

Right now, our country is in turmoil.  The news is painful to watch.  There is so much drama everywhere.  I’ve decided to write about the beautiful things I encounter each week (maybe more often, maybe less).  I want to experience more beautiful things.  I want to enjoy life more.  I want to have better connection.  Maybe you do too.  Maybe by sharing the beautiful things, it will strengthen their memory and bring more my way.  Maybe by reading about them, it will bring a little light into your day and help you look for them in your life. 20181209_163005_Burst01

 

Body Identification (Day 9)

On By rrainefioreIn Uncategorized, Water FastLeave a comment

It’s Day 9, my new halfway point.  I woke up sad today.  I have no idea what I was sad about.  I was more light headed too.  The weekend lodge guests are noisy.  They bang around and slam doors so I didn’t sleep as late as I would have liked.

My stomach was gurgley in the morning and I was hungry.  At least that didn’t last long.  A little water fixed that up.  My face is starting to get blotchy and it looks like eczema or a rash is coming up.  I’m starting to have trouble putting all the words in the right order to talk.  Some words are missing altogether.  Some words just are wrong and make no sense.  It’s difficult to type for the same reason.  In the evening I felt miserable like I had the flu.  This is common so I wasn’t worried, but it sure was unpleasant.

I got to go on a “field trip” today.  Brooke, George and Miriam are hear doing the Gerson therapy so they get to eat.  They have way more energy than me.  They decided to take quick 1 hour tours to go see some of Sedona.  The doctor said I could go if I didn’t do any hiking or 4 wheeling, neither of which sounded good to me anyway.  We went to see the Chapel of the Holy Cross.  I didn’t go up to the chapel because the walkway looked ridiculous to me, but it was a nice overlook so I sat and overlooked.  Then we went to Bell Rock, but the parking lot was completely full so we said “hey look at Bell Rock” and went back to the lodge.  That felt like enough touring for me so I didn’t go out with them later.

I contacted all the mothers (3) for Mother’s Day.  I sat in the sun.  I sat in the shade.  Sun. Shade.  Doing the reptile thing.  The gong healing guy didn’t come.  I walked the 20 miles (not really) to the yurt for this.  The Innkeeper came down and told us he could do a drum healing for us instead if we liked.  He used the bottom of a plastic bin that was in the yurt.  It was amazing.  We were all blissed out in minutes.  Later I skyped with Peggy – so wonderful to see a familiar loving face.  I really enjoyed it.  During the flu hours, I watched netflix.

The shocking thing of the day was when I got dressed and saw my body in the mirror.  My tight skinny jeans are just….jeans.  I see the body I had 20 years ago.  It looks and feels so familiar.  It feels normal, natural.  It feels like me.  This is the me in my head.  This is the body and the me I am still identified with.  This is the body I had when I was in my best athletic shape, when I moved to and fell in love with Colorado, when every weekend was full of camping, climbing, kayaking or skiing, when I met my husband, when I was excited about being a professional engineer with big career goals, when I felt beautiful, when I was invincible.  I realize I’m identified with my body and that’s not who I am.  I am not my body.  But I didn’t realize I was identified with a body I haven’t owned in 15 years.

(c) All Rights Reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

Hope

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Mid-January, I went to Wisconsin to visit my Mom.  The thing on the plane that just was so obvious to me is how loud everyone is.  Why do people have to talk so loud?  I’m on a plane where the engine noise is already loud, but I can still hear individual conversations.  The person you are talking to is right next to you, why do you have to include me in your conversation?  They weren’t even interesting conversations.  It was a whole plane of “look how cool I am”.  Exhausting.  The rest of the world is right, Americans are loud and talk too much.

It was good to see Mom.  Her new place is nice and the people that work there are nice.  She was playing Bingo when I got there.  They have three meals a day and activities.  She has a small kitchen in her apartment so she could still cook if she wanted to.  I’m very glad she was able to move out of her condo into assisted living.

I helped Mom with some shopping.  I took her to Target with me.  I wondered if it would be too much.  It was.  It is a big store and even though we only walked part of it, it was too much.  But she wanted to go to three different stores so I think that would have been worse.  We went out to lunch a couple times and also went to church.  It was great to spend time with her and see her new place.

At church, the preacher was starting a new program with the congregation.  It had steps and things to do.  It sounded like a program that would go on for a month or two and involved extra study or practice outside of Sunday church.  I remember feeling a sense of hope come over the congregation as he talked about the upcoming program and how it was going help make everyone’s year great.  I remember doing workshops, study groups, and programs like this at church when I was in high school.  I remember the sense of hope at the beginning – This is going to change my life – This is the answer to everything – This is going to fix everything – This is going to get me on the right path.  In some of the programs I grew and gained new knowledge.  I can’t say any of them changed my life.  Some sent me on a new path.  I never found the answer to everything.  I can’t say any of them were ever bad, but I noticed something as I sat there in this old familiar feeling (I really like this familiar feeling).  The level of hope at the beginning is so strong and is a feeling far stronger than the outcome ever was.  I realized that it wasn’t just hope, but a feeling of control.  Oh great, this person has all the answers and if I just do all the steps in this program, follow all the learning, I too will have all the answers.  Then I will finally have control of my life, my emotions, my finances, my spirituality, my love live, etc.  In the past, as the programs went on, I learned, but I never became in control of anything.  I never got the carrot I was chasing.  As it turns out, I cannot control life.  This is also a good example of living in the future.  I felt so wonderful at the beginning of one of these programs because of the promise of a better future.  Hope and planning and learning can be tricky.  Hope feels so wonderful and is a huge motivator so we label it as a good thing, but then don’t acknowledge that we are rejecting the present moment and living in the future.  We assume that if we don’t have hope then we must have the opposite, despair, a bad attitude, disbelief or pessimism.  What if life doesn’t have to be an either / or situation.  What if we can be present and plan when the time is right for planning, learn when the learning comes, and know that the future will be great just because it will and not because we are using hope to avoid being present now.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Mom and some of her neighbors

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Mom taking a selfie

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Some of my old needlework I found at Mom’s

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More needlework

Do/Be

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Here’s an interesting experience.  I had heard people complaining about big brother always watching.  The new theory I heard was that even when we aren’t talking on the phone, if our cell phone is nearby, it is recording us so that big brother knows what we are talking about.  Then adds for things you talked about show up on facebook or other websites later.  My first thought is, who cares?  If someone wants to listen to everything I say, how are they going to use it against me?  They are just going to be rather bored, I think.  Then after a conversation about IKEA, it shows up as an add on facebook.  I’ve never searched for IKEA or furniture on line.  As a test my roommates and I picked an obscure subject and talked about it incessantly one evening – Craw fish boil.  Nothing ever showed up for any of us about Louisiana, craw fish, cooking or anything related.  I kind of hoped it would.

I’m back at my old job.  It’s nice because it’s familiar.  It’s overwhelming because it’s a lot of work and I’m having trouble switching into face paced work mode.

I’ve been meeting up with some friends which is nice.  I’ve been watching a bunch of movies.  I’m still having trouble sleeping.  I wake up somewhere in the middle of the night, not awake enough to get up and do something, but not asleep either.  Then I sleep too late in the morning.  I’m trying to just be patient and kind to myself.  I’m sure some of it is my body adjusting to the altitude, food and lifestyle changes.  I assume some of it is reverse culture shock as I just don’t feel at home.  I feel lost.  I don’t feel like I belong here.  I don’t feel welcome in my own city.  I feel like I should do something, but I don’t know what to do.  Then even if I know what to do, I don’t want to do anything.  I feel the need to do, but I don’t want to do.  My old life, and most people’s lives are centered around doing.  I want to be, but I still don’t know how to be.  “Knowing” how to be is actually “doing” being.  That doesn’t work.  So, some days I get up and do.  Others I get up and exist (be) without the need to do.  A lot of mornings I get up, decide that the do/be dilemma is too much to handle and I go back to bed.  The nice thing about all this is that I don’t judge myself and even though I wouldn’t call this Joy or Happiness, I don’t need it to be some “good” feeling.  There is nothing wrong with it just being slightly uncomfortable.  There is nothing wrong with it being anything other than a do/be battle that sometimes goes the way of do, sometimes be and sometimes sleep.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Totally unrelated photos:

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My new hair color

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Latest coloring book creation

Mitigating Drama

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

There are 3 people from Singapore on our trip.  The husband barely talks to anyone and is so completely controlled by his wife.  The wife has a judgmental opinion about everything.  The 16 year old daughter is quiet too.  I watch the mother make everything into a drama.  Then she can mitigate the drama and be the family hero and control the family.  Then she creates a drama, mitigates it, controls.  It’s fascinating to watch.  So, then I ask myself, where do I create dramas so that I may “be in control”?  I think, more often I create dramas to keep the  “poor me” going.  Thanks mirror.  What other ways am I resisting True Nature?  What am I resisting?  How and why are you creating drama?

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Allergies

On By rrainefioreIn Australia, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’ve had horrible allergies most of my life.  I had to take allergy medicine every day of my life from 2nd grade until about 4 years ago.  I was allergic to all grasses, pine trees, dust, anything that blooms, citrus, tomatoes, all green vegetables, all melon, cats and dogs.  With all the investigation I’ve done and the awakening work, I discovered that I had a belief that life is not safe.  I was adopted.  I have a deep fear from this, from whatever I experienced in my first days, weeks, months of life.  Because this is long before the cognitive part of my brain existed, it is stuck in my nervous system, my blood system and in the deep parts of the brain.  Because this belief is so deeply rooted, I cannot talk, reason or think it away.  Because it’s so basic to who I am, I actually created a world that is not safe by being allergic to everything.  I created a world to match this belief.  After much work on this through movement and letting the fear and loss be expressed, my allergies disappeared.  The past 4 years I’ve been able to live with only taking allergy medicine once a month or less.  Since I’ve been on this tour, I’ve been sick with a sinus infection and now that is better, my allergies are horrible.  My nose and eyes are so itchy that I think I may go insane.  I’m sneezing a lot.  Ah ha – this is completely connected to the “not enough for me” I was feeling earlier in the trip.  This is just a different manifestation of the same issue.  Then I also have an issue where I get so tired of people not listening to me.  I get interrupted.  I have to say things 2 or 3 times because the person wasn’t listening.  Or I just get ignored.  I try to be understanding, but it just makes me not want to talk, not want to connect with people.  (My magic tattoo isn’t working).  I had a minor meltdown yesterday because of this.  This is the same issue too.  Add on that I’m scared about going home.  I’m scared of reverse culture shock.  I’m scared of finding how I fit when I’ve changed so much.  Life is not safe = Not enough for me = I’m small, insignificant, unimportant, unloved, unwanted = back hurts = feet hurt = allergies = fear.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Some Random Thoughts

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Here are some of the random thoughts running around in my head lately.  They may or may not be related to each other.

A feeling that is coming up a lot for me is the feeling that there is not enough for me.  It has been coming up every day especially around the time to eat and when we get to a new accommodation.  What if I’m the last one in line, there won’t be any food left.  Oh my god, I have to make sure that doesn’t happen.  What if there aren’t enough beds for me?  What if I have to sleep in a room with 10 people?  Oh My God.  I have no idea where this is coming from.  It’s somehow connected to the unwanted thing I’ve been feeling too.  So, more on this later as it makes itself clear.

It seems that everywhere I go, there is a cute guy.  I kind of hoped I would meet someone special on vacation or while in Thailand, but I always find myself attracted to one person on the tour or boat that I’m on.  Then I start wondering what they think, who are they, are they interested, etc.  Why can’t I just enjoy people’s company without there always having to be a potential of my future boyfriend.  It’s very frustrating.  Is this just human nature or am I still resisting alone and oneness?  Has anything really changed on this journey?  My feet have been hurting a lot lately and I think I am noticing that they hurt more when I’m thinking about a guy.  Then again, if I’m thinking of guys, my head is in the future.  So, is the foot hurting more global about living in the future instead of being present.  I feel like 80% to 90% of me is present most of the time, but the rest is living in thoughts about the future.   Then I am aware that I am in the future.  Then I’m in the future and present at the same time.  Future = Foot hurts.

Here are some good AH Almass quotes from the book I am reading.  They better explain what I was writing about a while ago.  Even if what we are experiencing isn’t “happy”, “peace”, “joy” or some other perceived good thing, we can still be present with it and see what we learn.  It doesn’t have to be seen as bad or suffering.  Instead, be curious and experience it fully.  “Even if we can stay present with an emotion or manifestation, it doesn’t immediately transform into its True Nature.  An emotion is not just a simple reaction to whatever is happening in the present situation. Usually the emotion has an entire history”.  He’s talking about being aware, being an observer on the outside.  I am very good at this and it’s happening almost 100% of my day.  But he is also talking about a different level of being present.  This, is what I tried to explain in past blogs:  “Normal awareness is observing experience from a distance, with the detachment of a subject viewing an object.  Not only noticing it, but you are also in contact with it, you are touching it, feeling it, sensing it’s texture and quality.  You are not only looking at it from the outside, you are aware of it from the inside as well and from all directions, from everywhere.  So presence brings in the quality of immediacy of awareness, which means having no distance between the awareness and what we are aware of”.

I think Americans are the loud kid on the playground – Hey look at me!

I would consider doing odd jobs and “lesser” jobs to live abroad, but not at home.  Why?

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Forgive

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Uncategorized1 Comment

Warning: Spiritual big concept stuff in this blog.  If you aren’t into that and you just want to see pretty pictures of China or hear funny tales of adventure, tune in later this week.

Yep, my sketchy flight from Phuket to Bangkok ended up being legit.  Go Thailand!  I got into my hotel in Bangkok and was hungry and sore so I headed out for dinner and a massage even though I needed to be going to bed to get up early for my flight to China.  There was a food market nearby.  I didn’t see anything I wanted so I had coconut ice cream for dinner.  After massage I had a crepe with mystery green goo (pandan?), sprinkles and jelly balls.  This did not make for a healthy dinner, but it was quite delicious.

During massage the word “forgive” kept coming to me.  Ok, got it, forgiveness.  I tried to figure out who or what I need to forgive.  During massage, it felt like the list is so long that it is comical.  It doesn’t feel like any big injustices, just a lifetime of tiny judgements and petty gripes.  This isn’t a 12 step process and I don’t think listing them all out makes sense or is useful.  The big one, the original one is the one that all the others are actually built on.  For any person or event that I haven’t forgiven, it’s not actually about that person or event, it’s still the original.  Years ago I discovered that I had a belief that life itself is unsafe and that I was angry with life/myself/god/the greater power/the universe or whatever you want to believe is the greater power or knowledge out there.  I was angry, scared and mistrusting.  As I’ve worked on this over the years, my allergies have been disappearing, my non working thyroid started working again as well many other healthy changes in my body.  As much as I have worked and as much as I have let go, I think there’s more.  I don’t think forgive at this level I’m working on is “I forgive you for being mean” or  “I understand you didn’t know better, so it’s ok”.  There’s ego in that.  There’s a sense of blaming “you were wrong” and a sense of ego “I am the bigger person and I forgive you”.   The forgive that is coming up is not that.  It doesn’t have to do with a person, a situation or an event.  It is a letting go and surrender, again not of a situation or event.  It is to let go of everything – every event, good or bad, every person, every interaction, every judgement, every belief, the world as I know it, everything I think I am, everything I ever wanted to be.  I have been working on this little bit by little bit for years.  Investigate this feeling, that belief, this relationship, looking into every nook and crany of my brain.  I have changed and made it quite far in this process.  But, it’s still me, my idealized self image, a series of thoughts in the brain that is making all this “progress”.  In an earlier post I talked about how I wanted to live abroad not to find myself, but to lose myself.  The forgive that is coming up is to let go to the point that I lose myself.

When I speak of myself, I don’t mean I won’t remember who my friends and family are or that I will simply cease to exist, or I’ll become a monk and sit on a mountain top meditating for the rest of my life.  I’m referring to the self image, who I think I am which is just a series of synapses in the brain routed and created from my experiences and interpretations of those experiences.  I am not the synapses and memories in my brain.  I am something else completely (so are you).

I got to the airport in the morning for my flight to China.  I found most everyone to be annoying.  I found myself to be very judgmental about the way one person acted or another was dressed.  People were in my personal space.  The airplane music threatened to send me in a downward spiral.  Why is airplane music so bad?  Why do we have to have music on the airplane anyway?  Is it really soothing anyone that is scared?  It’s just there to piss me off.  What’s wrong with no music?  Although most of the day went smoothly, I found everything to be either stressful or annoying.  Apparently, I was not letting go and forgiving yesterday.

Today was the first day of my China tour and it was wonderful.  I’ll cover the details of that in another blog.  But as I sit here tonight trying to put “forgive” into words that will make sense, I can feel it happening.  I feel a lightness in my body kind of like being light headed, but over the whole body.  It feels like the cells on the outside of my body are slowly breaking apart and floating away.  They are shiny and glass like, but have no weight.  It feels like disintegration.  So, now I’m heading off to sleep or disintegrate or both.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

 

Homeless

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Last night there was apocalyptic thunder.  It shook the whole house.  The electricity went out twice.  I remember storms like this in Florida, but have never seen (heard) storms like this in Colorado. I was so dizzy and feverish that I just hoped that the storm didn’t take down the house because I would be unable to move to safety.

I got up this morning and finished packing and cleaning.  Then I sat and waited for an hour for Noi.  She took me to the post office to mail a couple boxes and then to the highway to catch a bus.  I’m now homeless.  It should feel like a huge relief, fear, excitement, sadness or something, but it just feels empty.  All my belongings fit into 4 bags or were mailed back to Colorado.  I’m setting off on a travel adventure and I’m not excited about it.  I feel lonely, but not sad lonely, just alone.  And there seems to be no point in anything.  Why travel?  Why go home?  Oh, I have no home to go to, just a storage shed full of stuff and a car I can’t afford.  Should I sell everything I own and wander?  Should I build a new home in Colorado or somewhere else?  Where?  I was restless and uncomfortable when I did have a home and I’m restless and uncomfortable without one.  So, home or no home is not the answer.  I wanted to get lost – I’m lost.  So, I guess I’ll just wander and be lost or empty or full or alone or not and see what I see and see what happens next.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Exif_JPEG_420
Exif_JPEG_420

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