Yesterday was extremely uneventful. I worked on tagging old blogs so hopefully they are more searchable. I met a friend for lunch. I sat by the pool. I tried Tinder again. One guy said he lived outside town and only had a bicycle. So, he can’t take a taxi? Tinder said he was only 6 miles from me. Lame. No one else responded. It was a real hot day and the heat kicked my ass. By the time I was done with dinner I didn’t even feel like getting a massage. Sleep was the only thing that sounded do-able. I did find this good pizza place so this was my second night eating there.
Today, after the sad breakfast that my hotel provided, I went in search of an atm, water and snacks for the bus. It took a while to find an atm and google maps was useless in this endeavor. After I got money, water and snacks, I went back to check out of the hotel. There’s an atm machine right at the hotel. If I had just looked left instead of right, I would have saved myself some time and frustration. Got a taxi to the bus station. Got a bus ride home. It was more expensive than the bus ride up, but I’m too hot to bargain shop. Maybe I’m paying more for air con that works on the bus. Wrong. I guess I was paying more for a bottle of water and mystery snacks. One snack they gave me was a pastry with meat, carrots and something green in it. The other one looked like a tiny hamburger bun with purple goo in it – taro? I love taro so I was quite happy with that one. It was a long (3.5 hours) hot bus ride, but the bus didn’t break down!
No one was able to pick me up from the bus stop so I had to take a motorbike taxi home. I hate those. Flying down the road 50 miles an hour on the back of someone’s motorbike with no helmet. Not to mention it was so hot, it felt like my flesh might melt off. Made it home safely.
I didn’t have running water when I left, but it seemed to be ok when I got home. But now we are back to no running water. I really don’t know if I can handle this. I just want to take a shower, but I can’t. I can’t flush my toilet. I don’t want to cook because I can’t wash dishes. I have a concrete tub in my bathroom, but the water doesn’t look very clean. It has a film on the top of it and dead bugs in it. I asked Q if he had water and he wanted to know if I needed water to drink. I have that. He didn’t seem too concerned about no running water. Both he and Pat said they’d talk to the janitor tomorrow. I was ready to pack up my suitcases and call it and go back to the US, but I can’t go anywhere.
When I had lunch with Rob yesterday, he was telling me how he loved living in Chaing Mai. His apartment is nicer than where he lived in the UK. He likes his job, has friends, and go places. He was going to the gym to play badminton after lunch. The main reason I decided against the Peace Corps is because I wanted a nicer lifestyle. I might have had better accommodations or at least the same in the Peace Corps. So, I question why I’m here? Couldn’t I be learning the same lessons if I lived in a bigger city and loved living in Thailand? Who knows. I’m trying to be present with what is and it’s not difficult to stay present, but I do find that I still want there to be a reason or a purpose to all this or to know how it will all turn out and I have no clue.
Pictures – I did get a picture of the US Consulate yesterday when I walked by it again. See below.
We got up this morning and found a place for breakfast. It wasn’t very good. Then we hung out at the Best Western pool until it was time to take Carly to the airport. They had a really nice pool.
I drove the POS for the last time and was so excited to drop it off. That might have been the highlight of the day. I said goodbye to Carly and got a taxi to my new hotel near the beach. I’ve heard that Kuta and Seminyak are both dirty and over touristy and that I wouldn’t enjoy them. From my one night in Kuta, I didn’t find it to be that bad, but I didn’t find it worth going back to either. My hotel in Seminyak is great.
It was a 13 minute walk to the beach. The beach wasn’t crowded at all. I got there in time for sunset. There was a beach bar that I hung out at for dinner and sunset. I was hoping to meet some people and have a nice conversation, but that didn’t happen. But as I sat there, I just felt how alone I was and then for a while, I didn’t even exist. I could have stayed like that all night, but I had to go to the bathroom and that kinda broke the not existing experience. Now, note, I said “alone”. Did you read “lonely”? Did you put a negative story on the word “alone”? Did you assume that if I had met people and had a nice conversation that that would have been the “better” outcome? “Alone” is not the same as “lonely”, not even close. Now read it again without judgement, good or bad, or should be. Do you get a different picture?
So, this is the right way to do a beach bar. Put on some music, have a bunch of bean bags to sit on, put out some pretty lights, serve drinks and food. This is as simple, brilliant and perfect as it gets. Naysayers 0, Seminyak 1.
My experience with making a plan is that 90% of the time nothing goes according to the plan. Still, we make plans. Today was no different. The first beach I chose was supposed to have the blackest sand on this side of Bali according to the guide book. I got there and it was a construction zone. Machines were moving large boulders around. The tide was in so there was no beach. I could tell that if there had been a beach, it would have had very black sand. So, back into the POS to find the next beach. I got to see rice fields on the way to and from the beach so, check! – Picture of rice fields. Now, one of the side roads I was going to take later to see rice fields didn’t need to happen. The next beach was supposed to have a ton of mica in the sand so it’s extra glittery. I like glitter. There was a parking lot and some Bali restaurants and not much else. Since the tide was still in, the water came up to the wall. I could tell from the parking lot, that, yes, this would be a glittery beach, but not right now. I tried to order lunch, but all they had was fish. How do you have fish, but not shrimp? Then again, Google Translator could be lying. It does that often. I gave up and decided to eat lunch at the next beach. The next beach was not part of the plan, but I was determined to get a beach. No, not a beach. It was a harbor for a very large ferry and more dive operations than I’ve ever seen in one location. I did find a restaurant for lunch though. So, that’s the end of the beach portion of the plan and we are 0 for 3.
At many points of the day I am sweating so hard that I think water is pouring out of my face. I didn’t think a face could sweat that much. I grew up in Florida, but I don’t remember heat and humidity like this.
I decided to head to the place I’m staying tonight. The road goes more inland. There is a water temple on the way which is the next part of the plan. Google Maps decides to not work so we are going by signs and the map in the guide book. It shouldn’t be an issue to get to Amed without google maps, but the water temple is probably a loss and hopefully the resort is easy to find when I get to Amed.
I’ve finally figured out what the white stripes on the road mean. If you see a white stripe on the road, there is a driving lane to the left of the stripe, a driving lane to the right of the stripe and a driving lane straddling the stripe. At some point the road narrowed and buildings lined both sides of the road so there was no way to pull over, stop and check the map. The road wound up and down with huge curves. Often, the buildings would go away on one side of the road revealing stunning views. I couldn’t take pictures of any of it because there was no where to stop and I need both my hands to drive. The signs did not lead me astray though. I only missed one turn – the one to the water temple.
I saw an area with about 20 cars parked so I assumed that might be the temple. I had to drive quite a distance before I found a place I could turn around. I wasn’t going to miss everything on the plan though so I went back and it was the parking for the water temple! Actually, it wasn’t a temple, but a water palace. Taman Tirta Gangga was built in 1948 and has two swimming ponds, and a bunch of other ponds with fountains and koi in them. My favorite had stepping stones at water level so it felt like you were walking on water. They led different paths through the water like a labyrinth. As I headed back to my car there was a guy with snakes you could pay to pose with for pictures. He also had a bat and tiny owls. OWLS. My distaste of animal tourism out the window. Hell yea, I’ll pay you to hold a tiny owl and get my picture taken.
After that I headed to Amed by way of sign instead of electronic map. The road got smaller and smaller until it was slightly larger than one lane. Yet from the signs advertising guesthouses and scuba diving, I knew I was on the right path. I almost missed the sign that pointed to the place where I’m staying, but managed to hit the brakes and turn at the last second. I parked near the entrance and a guy asked if I was Kim.
This is no five star resort, but I’m in love with it. The dive shop is at the same place as the hotel so I was able to check in and I don’t have far to go tomorrow morning. There are a row of rooms on either side of a courtyard. Almost the entire courtyard is taken up by a pool. There’s a restaurant and a short distance from the restaurant and the pool is a black sand beach. You can see huge mountains when you are in the ocean. Each room has a covered deck looking out to the ocean and the decks all have bean bag chairs on them. My room is large, very yellow and has a bed built into the middle of the room. I can hear the ocean from my room. I stayed here for dinner because I’ve had enough venturing out for today and because I love this place. The food was great and I got to catch up on yesterday and today’s blogs.
I checked in with Mom. My brother is there again. They were getting ready to go to the funeral of my cousin’s son. The funeral for my Mom’s husband is Saturday. I wish I could be there. I’ve been struggling with feeling like I should go back and feeling very strongly that it isn’t the right decision. There’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want to go back to Sam Ngao and teach. That part is telling me to move back to the US. To stay in Sam Ngao would be the more difficult choice. I don’t feel that it’s the right time to go back to the US. I’m stuck again in the place of what “should” I do. I’m thinking of the future instead of being here. I’m feeling like I need to have a plan, make a decision, control the situation. But, I know that this is all part of the learning. The truth is that I don’t know the right answer, I don’t have to make a decision now and if I control the situation, it will not turn out happy for me. So, as uncomfortable as it is for me, I wait. I wait for life to unfold and happen the way it should.
I also had the thought on the dive boat yesterday that I would love to be on a boat and diving every day. Then I had the thought that I don’t have the money to get my dive master certification and it would be a hard life financially. I see that I took something wonderful that I was enjoying and in my head made it impossible to have that as my life. Instead, my life will be teaching in Sam Ngao, moving to Wisconsin which I have no desire to do, or some unknown other thing that is also ok, but I don’t love it. So, the belief that there’s not enough for me is still in operation at a very subtle level. I can never really have what I want. This has been one of my core issues. I want to love my life. I want to love my work and have it be enough financially. I want to put an end to drama and the need for there to always be some hurdle to get over. And it’s tied to doing and planning. And it’s tied to what’s going on with Mom. And it’s tied to the dissolving of the ego. So for now, I have no plan and I don’t know what I’m going to do in a couple weeks when vacation is over. I have no idea how I’m going to get that job I love or what that job is. I’m just watching what comes up and noticing it.
I had an interesting thought today. If, in my 20s, I had done what I’m doing now, people would say I was traveling and living abroad to find myself. I thought, what an interesting twisted concept. So many times I’ve heard people say they are taking time off to find themselves. It’s self identification that is the source of issues. And yet, finding oneself is often a lofty goal. On many occasions, when people ask why I moved abroad, I said to shake things up, to get lost. I’m trying to lose myself.
I went down to the lobby at 4:45. One of the night guys was asleep on a bed behind the desk and the other was on a lobby couch. I felt bad about waking them up, but the one on the couch hopped up and grabbed my bad and took it out to the taxi that was already waiting for me. I think the Vietnamese people are easy to anger and have short tempers, but when they smile or are helpful, it feels so much more sincere than the Thai people. My flight back to Bangkok was uneventful and it was the shortest wait I’ve ever had to get through immigration anywhere. I said goodbye to Annaliese. I felt a huge relief as I did. Not that I was relieved to say goodbye. She is a sweet fun person, but I realized I had taken on some of her energetic stuff (everyone has stuff). With all that I am learning and the big wall I am coming to with the disintegration of identity, I think I took on some of her fear, making mine feel larger, a trick of the ego to keep me in fear so I won’t move forward in this process. I know other people that feel the energies going on around them so strongly that it is overwhelming and they sometimes don’t know what is them and what is others. I never use to think I did this, but now I’m realizing I do sometimes. It just comes in more subtle and I don’t realize I’m taking on other energies right away. When I do, I’m able to drop it quickly. The relief I felt today was when I let her energies go and some of my fear went with it.
With a bit of difficulty, I found the bus to Jomtiem which is a couple hours south east of Bangkok.
Jomtiem is a beach area near Pattaya. Pattay is a big beach destination for old white men and people wanting to get away from Bangkok. When I first moved to Thailand one of my co-workers put me in touch with his brother-in-law, Chris. Chris lives in Jomtien. He was a huge force in keeping me sane when I first moved to Sam Ngao. I would often call him after school when it was the middle of the night in the US. I just told him I needed to speak and hear fluent English and it would set my brain right. He’s a sailor and told me he’d take me sailing if I ever made it to Jomtien so I decided this would be a good place to relax between Vietnam and Krabi.
The bus dropped me off and I walked a couple blocks to the restaurant Chris was meeting me at. It was nice to put a face to the voice. I managed to eat a half a sandwich. Yay! He recommended an apartment complex nearby that rents rooms and has a pool so we went there. There were several high rise buildings with plain looking apartments and a big pool. On the bottom floor of each building is a row of plain looking businesses, Thai restaurants, small bars, places renting rooms and other things. We went into one of the places renting rooms and booked a room for me. It’s not the nicest place, but it’s on the 10th floor. The rent was cheap enough and I have to pay for water and electricity when I leave. I think I’d rather have a hotel, but I think this will do for 4 days.
I had told Chris I was sick and asked if there was a doctor he recommended. He has and ear infection so he said he’d go with me. We walked into the clinic and I told them what was going on. I talked to the doctor for a while. Her English was difficult to understand, but she seemed to understand me better. She asked a lot of questions, took temperature, looked in my throat and nose. She told me it wasn’t Dengue fever as if I was nuts to ask. She said I’d be burning up and red if it was. Then I got called back in for an injection. The nurse put 4 or 5 things in the syringe. I have no idea what was in the shot and I don’t much care. Then she gave me a bag with 7 different drugs. She gave me instructions on how to take them, but not what they were. She said one was an antibiotic that would help with the sinus infection and stomach problems. Again, I don’t much care what the drugs are if they work. It all didn’t take long and cost me about $30. Much cheaper than the US, but way more expensive than Sam Ngao.
After the clinic, Chris dropped me off at the apartments. I went and got a foot massage at one of the places in the building. It might have been the best foot massage yet. Then I went to the pool and just sat in the water. Finally, I was immersed in water. The water was way too warm, but it was wonderful anyway.
I need to pay for wifi at the building and found out too late to pay. The office was closed. So, I ventured out for dinner and hung out in a sports bar until they closed, just posting blogs, putting more money on my Thai phone, making phone calls and catching up on email. I ate a whole personal pizza. I feel tired, but so much better. Thanks mystery injection.
I found out earlier today that my mom’s husband is in the hospital. He can’t keep food down and now isn’t very coherent. I talked to mom tonight and she is ok, all considered. I didn’t ask when he went to the hospital, but I can bet it was around the time I was in Hanoi processing about her. I wonder why our medical system thinks radiation is a good alternative to cancer. Most people I’ve known that had radiation died of radiation complications. Why don’t we just try to make people more comfortable and let them go of cancer? How did pumping someone full of poison become the solution to not die of cancer. I guess it works for some, but I still think something is terribly wrong with our medical system.
So, as I mentioned in the previous blog, I spent the whole day wandering around Hanoi sick trying to resolve the computer problems. At some point I no longer cared that I had to walk in traffic just to get around. I remember thinking that it didn’t matter if I got hit by a bus. If I die, then I won’t have to deal with feeling so sick anymore. Maybe that would be ok. Don’t freak out, that’s just how you feel when you are sick and exhausted. It did make it easier to get around and life seemed to go around me with no problem.
I know it’s more than just being sick, tired and dirty. Something big is happening. By the time I got back to the hotel I decided I was done with life. I know this isn’t a truth the way you see it, but a process that needs to be kicked, cried and worked out physically. I tried to sleep, but processed a lot about how exhausted I am in life. I’m tired of fighting life. Then fear of death came up. It was a back and forth of just wanting to die and fear. It felt very obvious that my identification of who I am no longer works. It has been disintegrating for months now. It’s not that I want to die, but that life as that identification is no longer worth fighting for, it’s too painful and too exhausting. But I don’t know how to let go and fear or “I don’t want to” comes up. I felt so sick that I wasn’t really sure if I was dying. So, I cried and prayed for death. Either way felt fine – death of the ego or the body, it didn’t matter as long as someone would die. I know it’s not something I can “do”, but I don’t know how to not “do”. I had huge dread. I felt like I hated Hanoi and Vietnam and I couldn’t possibly finish my vacation here. I felt like there is no way I can go back to work as a teacher in May. I won’t survive it. I want to go home, but I have no home to go to. I could go somewhere else, but where and how? Why am I here? This isn’t what I want. But what I want doesn’t exist. Then I thought of my mom in Wisconsin who is 86 and trying to take care of a sick husband. Should I be in Wisconsin? I’m still not clear if this part of the process was some sort of direction that I should be moving to Wisconsin or if it’s a trick of the ego to try to hold onto “the mom” or am I processing some of what she is experiencing right now? That night nothing resolved and I finally fell asleep. Even though it sounds dire, I get it that it that this is all process and is part of that false identification trying to disintegrate. I don’t take it literally, and I’m just explaining how it feels so if anyone else ever experiences this or something similar, maybe you can have room for the thought that it is just an experience, not a reality. It feels like the letting go of identification with story and body is at a point of critical mass where I can’t stop it if I tried. It’s going to happen even if it makes me sick to get me to slow down. This is what I came here for.
The train arrived in Hanoi at 5:00am. What? No one should be awake at 5:00am. I did not sleep well on the train. The air conditioning didn’t work and I just sweated and wondered how often trains derail. I slept a little, but I’m sick so I’m going to whine a little and call on your sympathy.
On the taxi ride to our hotel, we saw soooo many people running around the lake. The city was already kicking at 5:00am. They dropped me off first. I can’t check in until 2:00pm, but at least I could leave my suitcase there. I feel so sick I can barely move. It’s misty and drippy, not quite raining out. I walked the few blocks to the hostel where the rest were staying. After my hostel experience in Sapa and because I feel so bad, I decided to book my own hotel in Hanoi. The small streets were not too busy yet. The hostel was busy with people trying to check in, people waiting for tours and people passed on the couches because they agree with me that 5:00am is just too early. I was bored and not loving the hostel scene so I left to hunt for food. In just a half hour the streets had gone from not too busy to mayhem. There were motor bikes everywhere, people walking, people cooking food in the street, people carrying stuff, and store front’s opening. I saw an entire street of just tape and packing materials stores. There didn’t appear to be any restaurants, just random people cooking on the side of the street. I walked a few blocks and went back to the hostel soaking wet, hungry and quite cranky. A little while later I tried another food hunt with Louise and we found coffee and I got some bananas.
I decided to set out to see if I could find a place to fix my computer. The lady working at the hostel suggested a place so I set out in the damp with a map to find it. I found it and they said they didn’t cover hard ware problems. They showed me a street not too far away that had computer stores so I headed in that direction. The streets here are crazy. There are more vehicles on the road than looks physically possible. The motorbikes outnumber the cars and buses. They pass each other with only an inch of room in between. The motorbikes park on the sidewalk so you have no choice but to walk in traffic. Crosswalks exist, but don’t mean anything. You just have to walk in the street and hope no one hits you. When you cross the street you just run or take a few steps while swarms of motorbikes go around you, take a few more steps and then a few more. No one stops to let you cross, they just keep moving and weave in and out of each other and you. Somehow it works.
The street with computer stores was 20 blocks or so with nothing but what looked like people selling electronics out of their garages. It was kind of creepy. I picked one and they tried real hard to fix it, but couldn’t figure it out. I bought a usb drive and figured I could at least save all my files before I gave up on the computer. I found a store a ways away that said “blah blah blah Microsoft” on google maps so I decided to try that before I reset my computer to factory settings I’d try that place. My computer was made by Microsoft. It was much farther than I thought and was the actual company Microsoft. I figured they wouldn’t be able to help, but went up anyway. The lady said the Surface was only made in America so they couldn’t help. She suggested a place I could buy a new computer.
There was a restaurant in the building so I had lunch there. They didn’t speak English, but after a bit, I managed to order stir fried veggies and rice. I ran the thing on my computer that cleared it and took it back to factory settings. It still didn’t fix the problem. Half way through lunch I was overcome with the distinct feeling that I needed to stop eating now. I felt ill and left without finishing my meal. I’m exhausted, sick, damp, and upset by the loss of my computer.
I went to the store the Microsoft lady recommended which was waaaaay more walking. I bought a new computer. They said they could set it up in English. Everything is so cheap here, except my computer. It cost me $450. They said it would take 2 hours to set up and I should come back. It’s now 1:30 and I just want to check into my hotel and sleep, but I have to find something to do for 2 hours and I’m no longer anywhere near the hotel. I find a coffee shop near by and sit in at a tiny table in a tiny chair on the sidewalk. The guy who works there is nice and brings me coffee with a side of tea. Strange, but ok. Then when I’m done with my tiny coffee, he brings me more tea. I took a chance and went back to the computer shop a half hour early and it was ready. They helped me get a taxi back to my hotel and checked in around 5:00pm instead of 2:00. By now I’m sure I have food poisoning. It was either brushing my teeth on the train or the banana with the split in the side I had for breakfast. It could have been lunch too since I had that distinct feeling or that may have been when it hit.
As is the case with most things, maybe all things, there is a spiritual component to this. Process is coming up and things are moving and changing and I can’t control it, but just hold on tight and go with it. I’ll post more about this in the next blog for those that are interested in these things. For those that are not, I went to bed early.
As I’m adjusting to life in Thailand, changes in how I see the world and myself in it are happening. These changes started long before Thailand. These are results of many many years of hard work and investigation into what is real. So the rest of this blog is going to be about things that are spiritual in nature and difficult to explain because they can only be experienced. So, if this is not your cup of tea, this blog post is not for you.
I’ve been talking about foggy brain since I got to Thailand. After a session with my teacher and a friend confirming what I was suspecting, I don’t think it’s just too much sugar or too much rice although those things might contribute. I think things are rewiring in my brain. I’ve spent my whole life thinking the world worked a certain way and that things I was taught were true, things we were all taught were true. My childhood helped me create an ego, a story of how life is and I believed it completely. I’ve spent a long time digging into those stories and finding how believing the world is unsafe makes it unsafe and it’s a story not a truth. Finding that I’m my own biggest judge and the judgments are not true, but I believed that’s who I was. But, if I’m not who I thought I was, if I’m not my ego story, who am I? Sorry to tell you, I don’t have that answer quite yet. I have glimpses of it, but it’s still presenting itself and the ego is still trying to put it in terms it understands and make it fit in the old story. But, it appears to me that a lot of the foggy brain is my ego dissolving. Up to now, I had just been able to expose the lies and discover the truth. I became healthier and changed my posture and continue to see life with very little judgement, but some of my identity remained with my story. Now enough of my story has been proven wrong and the rest is just dissolving without me having to work through it. My brain doesn’t know what to do without the story so it just goes blank and fuzzy. In a place that is so foreign, where I’m lost and alone, the ego is having trouble finding familiar things to hold on to and it’s grip on my identity was already severely undermined with all the years of investigation.
I had someone make the comment that how can I have gone through this much work and graduated from Awakening to Presence class and still be suffering so much. I immediately was confused by the question. I don’t feel like I’m suffering. So, I thought maybe others reading my blog don’t see the fine differentiation that seems to not be there, but in reality is giant. Most of what I’m experiencing is challenging and entertaining, but not suffering. It’s not suffering because I chose this and because I’m not believing it should be another way. The travel from the US to Thailand were suffering, I’ll give you that. The challenges here have brought up feelings of wanting to go home, being overwhelmed and other stresses. Most of that is culture shock and I know that so I’m just holding on waiting for it to work it’s way through. Just because I’ve done all this spiritual work doesn’t make me immune to culture shock any more than it makes me immune to feeling horrible when I’m sick. I think maybe I haven’t portrayed that well in my blogs. I don’t think awakening means bliss, peacefulness and lack of discomfort for the rest of your life. Sorry to those of you who are seeking that. That is why I signed up for Awakening to Presence class 9 years ago. And when I finally fully got it that it was impossible, I was crushed. I also think that spiritual leaders that are portraying their lives as without challenge are not telling you the whole story. Then again, if I had gotten that in the beginning, I might not have signed up. But on this side I understand fully that Truth is what I want, not perfect happy all the time.
I have written this blog and many others several times. Half way through my thoughts no longer can be put in words and gibberish comes out of the keyboard as I realize that this is so hard to explain because it has to be experienced. So, I ask in the future that if you read a blog and think I’m suffering or “poor Rraine”, ask yourself if that is your story. Can you see it from a different angle, one with humor and lack of the thought it should be different. Discomfort, pain, exhaustion, crying and other feelings still exist, but if I don’t judge them as “it shouldn’t be” they are just feelings that come and go. If I judge them, it isn’t for long before I realize I’m doing it and then I can let the judgement go. I will try to paint this side of the picture more clearly.
I tried to sleep in as late as I could, but I just feel yucky. I try to cry or scream or figure out how to release this, but I can’t so I just get up. Maybe leaving Mae Sot will help and that’s on the schedule for today anyway.
I had another meh breakfast and then my taxi arrived early to take me to the bus station. So, I was way too early, but that’s ok. I didn’t have any issue with my ticket bought on line so that was good. It was a different bus station than the one I came into and the bus was sold out so I’m real glad I got the ticket ahead of time on line.
The bus has a stewardess of sorts who takes our tickets, finds where we are getting off, gives us water and a very random snack. When I tell her Ba tan cuen, she doesn’t understand me although I know she does. I tell her about 3 or 4 times and she keeps saying Chaing Mai (the final stop)? She repeats Ba tan cuen with a distrusting look several times and then walks off shaking her head. Several times during the trip she asks me again. I try to explain I live and teach there, but she thinks I’m nuts.
I was told or read somewhere that this stretch of road is dangerous on a bus. I rode in on a van and was wondering what it would be like on a bus. It’s not scary so much as it’s just intense. There are a lot of trucks and buses on the road. It’s steep and full of switch backs. There’s not much you can do as you are getting tossed side to side a lot. I try to read, but writing or typing on the computer is out of the question. There are no run away truck lanes like there would be in Colorado, but I don’t smell burning brakes either. Some of the hills, the bus struggles to even get up. I’m sitting on the wrong side again to get any pictures of the mountain views. I tried to get pictures, but they don’t do it justice, of course. I’m dropped off at the correct stop even though she still looks skeptical and then I have to take the motorbike taxi back home.
Now I’m guessing the police stops on the way into and out of Mae Sot may have something to do with refugees. I’m not sure, but that makes the most sense. I did some research on line about the Burmese refugees. It was quite eye opening, but that is all I will say about it.
I wanted to go out to the temple tonight to see what the holiday celebration might be like, but by the time I heard the monks on the loud speaker, I was tired and just wanted to shower and eat so I didn’t go out after all. Now, I’m kinda bummed I didn’t go.
I’m using my new phone as a wifi hot spot as I write this so that’s a huge hooray!
My house is just full of bugs and I’m over it. My bedroom floor was covered in wings when I got home. There were some bugs. I don’t know what they were – termites, flying ants? I swept it all up and didn’t do much looking at the bugs because I just don’t want to know. My head has been itching for days so I wonder if I got bugs in my hair now. I feel like I’m 8 years old again. I washed my hair twice today although, I doubt that will do any good. I looked at my sheets and they were covered in tiny dead gnats that I’ve been battling every night when I try to read on my nook. Still, the amount of bug on the outside top of the bug net lets me know it’s not a complete failure. Guess I’m sleeping on my sleeping bag tonight and washing sheets tomorrow. I did get an electronic bug thing that Laura recommended. It’s for mosquitoes, but maybe it’ll deter other bugs too. Fingers crossed. Alright, I’m going to leave it on that note so all of you reading this can share in my creepy crawly feeling.
I just finished a week of an Awakening to Presence workshop in Pennsylvania. The workshop was amazing as always. I feel blessed to be able to witness the work of so many beautiful people and to be able to support them. I love watching the other assistant teachers step into their leadership. And it’s amazing to watch True Nature show up to show us what we are. I said goodbye to most of this group in June because I wasn’t sure when I was leaving. It was difficult to say goodbye again. I felt their love and respect which reminds me of why I am doing this work and why I am leaving. Part of why I am leaving is for me, my adventure, my learning and my experience. But I do believe this adventure will deepen my presence. It feels more like a widening than a deepening. If I can go out and explore the world with a wide openness, what will I find? If I can find it safe, rich, enjoyable and full, even in the midst of chaos, unfamiliarity, and fear, can I hold that knowledge in my body and my energy? Can I hold that for myself and others? I cognitively know this and I know this a bit from my experiences recently, but now I’m jumping off in the deep unknown to really test it so I may know it fully. I hope that others will follow me in their own way to knowing.
Rraine Drops 