I had email conversation with one of the students in the current Awakening to Presence class about the way we sleep. If we sleep in one of our character patterns or in a defensive pattern will that affect how we feel when we wake up? We both think that it does. Over the years I have woken up not wanting to start the day. I’ve gone through periods of time where I wake up with numb hands. Awhile ago I tried to change the way I sleep. I sleep on my side and use to sleep all curled up in the fetal position. I was able to greatly improve the way I sleep and rarely get numb hands any more. For quite awhile I didn’t wake up not wanting to start the day. Every morning when I wake up now, I take a few minutes to straighten out my body and just lie there noticing how I feel and tuning into my body. I’ve been doing this automatically, not thinking about it. I do think if we sleep in a position of fear we will wake up anxious, in a position of collapse we will wake up feeling defeated or not wanting to start the day. I don’t sleep anywhere near as curled up as I use to, but I’m wondering if I can uncurl more and see how that changes my mornings. Of course if I had a bigger bed, that would help – my bed was made for a short tiny Thai person.
Friday Noi wanted to take me to lunch outside of school. We left early and the place she wanted to go was closed. There was a cone with a big light on it in the road so we couldn’t turn on it. As we drove by she said someone was dead. That was why the place was closed. How did she know that? She said she saw the tent. I saw a big awning coming from a house and covering most of the street in front of the house. I guess it’s like a reception where people come to pay respects to the family. We went to another place to eat. As with most Thai restaurants, it’s a covered area in front of a house with an outdoor kitchen. The lady that owned this one was real nice and quite happy to have us there. She had chickens and roosters running around everywhere. I had a hard time eating because I just wanted to watch the chickens. I didn’t have my phone with me so I didn’t get any pictures. I’ve never seen so many in one place. They were pecking at my feet. The roosters that would fight were in cages. Some of the roosters were huge. I asked if she raised the roosters for fighting. Noi said she didn’t. She didn’t mind if they died for people to eat, but would not have her roosters die for fighting. She could make a small fortune if she sold them for fighting. The health department in the US would fall over and die if they saw Thai restaurants. Yet, I haven’t gotten sick from any restaurant in Sam Ngao and the food has always been good. Maybe we are over cautious in the US.
Friday night I had dinner with Tip and did a reading lesson for her daughter. I wasn’t sure how to teach reading to someone that never read before, but I found some beginner reading lessons on line and Tip printed them. Fai did pretty good. I had hoped Ging would come over with her daughter too, but the timing didn’t work out.
My printer stopped printing even though I got the ink refilled. Maybe refilling the ink cartridges doesn’t work. I tried to get stuff printed at school, but it seems like a huge imposition to print color at school and I can only print black and white when I can find Noi in her office. Otherwise her office is locked. I feel frustration and a small amount of panic. This took me out of the state of indifference and has consumed most of my thoughts. I asked Noi if she would take me to Tak to get new ink. She took me yesterday and insisted that I bring the printer. I didn’t understand why I needed to bring the printer since I just needed to buy new cartridges. She kept asking about the ink tank. I kept saying that it didn’t have an ink tank and I didn’t see how the ink would get in the cartridges if they put a tank on it. Well, color me stupid. The printer shop in Tak put an ink tank on the printer and a thin cord that goes to the cartridges. Take that Cannon. Serves you right for trying to create a printer that goes through ink so fast and thinking we would have to buy expensive cartridges every month. This morning, I printed the rest of my lesson plans for this week. I keep getting the message that the printer is low on ink, but the prints came out fine. So, fingers crossed that this will continue to work. I relaxed a little.
My plan for this weekend was to get a week ahead on lesson planning, but the trip to Tak took all day so, I’m ready for this week’s lessons, but not ahead. We went to breakfast which was a delicious soup and chicken with ginger. Then we went to the morning market to buy more plants for Noi. I like the market in Tak. Then we went a few other places. One of them had tiny pineapple. Noi bought some and told me they were the most delicious pineapple. They come from Chiang Rai. They are the most sweet and juicy of the pineapple. There are pineapple that come from somewhere else in Thailand and they are bigger, just as sweet, but not as juicy. Then there are pineapple that come from Phuket. They taste good, but are so fibrous that you can’t eat too many. If you eat too many, they will destroy your tongue. The pineapple that will destroy your tongue. I enjoyed the non tongue destroying pineapple very much.
Then to Tesco to do the printer. Ice cream at Dairy Queen and the bank. I should have bought food in Tesco, but by that time of the day I was exhausted and just standing around was more my speed. The meat department has bins and bins of meat just sitting out and you grab tongs and a bag and pick what you want. Then they weight it and put a price on the bag. I was mesmerized watching people pick through bins of raw meat. I couldn’t even move to go look at the veggies. After Tesco we went for lunch at a noodle shop Noi has been wanting to try. The ladies working there were real nice and excited to learn about why Noi was with a Westerner. This was one of the first Thai meals that I didn’t like. The meat had a strange consistency and it was too spicy. I didn’t eat the whole thing because it just got hotter and hotter until I felt like my lips might melt off. It hurt for at least 30 minutes after. Am I allergic to chili? How do people find this enjoyable? How did the first person to try a chili think that this was a good idea to eat twice?
The subjects of conversation were religion (as usual) and politics. She has been told that the US has great welfare and that the government pays to take care of all old people and poor people. There are no poor people and no beggars in the US. In the US when people get old, their children do not help them. Thai children always help their parents. I tried to explain that some do and some don’t. This was difficult for her to understand. Americans are not helpful to other people. She wanted to know if Thailand or America had more charities. I have no idea. I find that most of what Thais think of the US is black and white. We are all one way or another. There is no concept of how huge our country is and how diverse it’s people are. There’s no concept that maybe it’s not that much different from Thailand and other countries. Everything that is a Thai way belongs only to Thais. For instance, Thai people are very nice. This is true, but I have met some not nice ones too. It is also true that I have met just as many nice Americans. Is it possible that a more true statement is people are nice? Then she asked what I was going to do later. I told her I was going to get a massage. She told me if I go once a week for massage I am addicted to massage. That made me laugh. I tried to explain why I thought it was important, but I just couldn’t. She asked about the lady who does massage. I told her sometimes it’s a man and sometimes his wife. Men should only do massage for men, don’t you think? I told her I was so glad that wasn’t true since he’s better than she is. She asked why I thought he was better and I told her he was more present. She didn’t understand. To her presence is the fact of being in the room and someone can’t be more or less present. They are present or not. I tried to explain presence from an energetic and spiritual sense, but I’m sure I didn’t do a good job of it. It’s too late in the day and my brain is already fried. Then that led to “Do you believe in heaven?” I swear we’ve had this conversation before. I said I didn’t. She proceeded to tell me about heaven and hell and doing good deeds in order to have a better life next time. Maybe I just don’t know the facts and that’s why I don’t believe. There was also an aspect where I’m from America so I must be Christian and I explained that I’m not Christian and not all of Americans are. There was also a conversation about fortune tellers. I said I didn’t believe in their predictions. I don’t think anyone really knows the future, educated guesses can be made, but no one knows. She educated me on fortune tellers, again, because I must not know about them or I’d believe. I find her questions so challenging, but also fascinating as well. With each conversation I become more and more sure that everything is just one. There is no good or bad and no right answer. There is no future to worry about and the past can no longer hurt me.
Then house and car stuff comes up and I lose the belief in no good or bad and no future for a little bit. The guy living in my house wants to buy it, but for $40,000 less than I think it’s worth. He want’s to buy my furniture, but isn’t willing to pay what I think it’s worth. So, I’m looking into moving my furniture out and now I’m contacting realtors. Money represents safety for me and thinking about it actually upsets me. In a lot of areas of my life I no longer fear for my safety or worry about how things are going to turn out, but with money issues, I still do. Maybe that’s why this appears to be so difficult right now. So, I can learn to release my need for money to safety. I remember childishly asking for life to provide me with some surprise money that would get me out of debt. Then I will believe that everything is ok. Of course that hasn’t happened. Still, last week I got a bunch of checks in the mail that I had forgotten Jay mailed to me. I was able to deposit them through an app on my phone. It was around $300 which won’t even make a dent in my debt, but the timing of it sure made me laugh. Of course, if surprise money in the amount of $30,000 comes my way, that will be ok too.
Today everyone wore yellow in support of the King who is very sick. I had heard rumors that he died months ago, but what do I know. I didn’t question it since there are serious consequences if anyone were to take that as disrespectful towards the King. It was quite cool to see a sea of yellow at morning assembly though.
Not sure if I ever talked about this before, but the amount of sweeping that happens at school is amazing. Every morning students are sweeping the driveways and sidewalks at school. They sweep the sports court. They sweep the classrooms when needed. Just about every surface is swept. There is trash thrown off to the sides of roads, but the school surfaces are swept. I wonder how they decide who’s turn it is to sweep or do they just do it automatically? They don’t use store bought brooms like we do. They are all made out plants, bamboo poles and sticks. I can’t even find a broom like we have in the US in a store. They are all these natural material brooms. They are very short too. I have to bend over to use a broom.
I’ve been noticing that the students are more comfortable with me. There are more and more students saying Good Morning, Hello Teacher or Good Afternoon than there use to be. In fact, by the end of the day the words Good Morning and Good Afternoon no longer make sense to me because I’ve said them so many times in a day that they just sound like gibberish. This is a good thing and it’s mind numbing at the same time.
I never use to have any reaction to coffee. I think I’m starting to notice it now though. Or more, I notice the absence of it. I still don’t drink it and feel more awake. I can still drink it in the evening and have no problem going to sleep. What I am noticing is a craving when I haven’t had it in a day or two. Then, I feel my system relax a little when I do have it. I’ve had this calming reaction with sugar my whole life – no sugar high, but a calming of the whole nervous system after I eat sugar. I’m wondering what this is all about. I’ll fill you in later if I figure it out.
At lunch, Noi asked if I believed in ghosts. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I don’t know that I do believe in ghosts. I’m not sure I don’t. I hadn’t really thought about it. So, I told her I didn’t believe one way or another and I didn’t much care if they were real or not. She went on to tell me all about ghosts and that they were beings that most of us can’t see and that they live on different plane than we do (she didn’t use those words). Since most of us can’t see them, we could be bumping into them right now. Some people can see them so they have to be real. She told me all this with the energy I didn’t know what ghosts were and if I knew, then I would understand that they are real. It was interesting that the question started off if I believed in ghosts like there was a choice and ended as if there is no question – they are real, I just don’t understand. I still don’t care if they exist or not.
After school, I threw my laundry in the washer and headed to get coffee. The weather was delightful today – warm but not hot and dry. So, I went to the outdoor coffee shop that serves better coffee and is cheaper because I wanted to sit outside anyway. They were closed. So, I went to the other coffee shop which I like, but not as much. Just before I was going to leave, Tip and her daughter came in. Fai was so excited to see Aunt Rraine and came to sit with me and draw pictures for me. Tip told me that just before they got to the coffee shop, Fai asked when she could see me. Completely adorable. It was nice to have coffee with them. Well, Fai had ice cream, not coffee.
When I woke up this morning, my first though was “no I don’t want to”. But after I got up and was more awake, I went back into the state of indifference. I’m hoping this becoming a more natural state for me to be in instead of something that happens once in awhile.
Today my alarm woke me. It was way too early and I wasn’t ready. But, this is the first morning in a long time that I wasn’t awake at dawn. Usually I the birds wake me at dawn even though I have ear plugs and white noise. I don’t get up, when I hear them, but I grumble and try to go back to sleep. I’m not actually sure if I have slept until my alarm once since I moved here. Today, I slept until my alarm went off. I assume indifference is conducive for sleeping.
One of the biggest causes of motorbike accidents in Thailand is due to dogs. There are so many stray dogs here. I am very observant anytime I go anywhere, looking off to the side for any surprise dogs. I never thought that one of those sweet lemon yellow butterflies my be my end. Yesterday, I hit one while going to get printer ink. Or it hit me, I’m not sure. It hit me on the cheek and it’s wing hit my eyeball. For a few seconds I couldn’t see and was stunned. I swerved, but managed to keep the swerve minimal and regain my focus on the road. I thought, really? All these terrifying critters and my undoing would be a lemon yellow butterfly? Not today.
I mailed a package from Vietnam in March. It got to Colorado last week. Wow.
School was ok today. I was exhausted by the end of the day, but had my monk class tonight. I really just wanted to come home and crash instead of teach. Still, the class went by fairly quickly. I spent most of the day in the indifference place.
A week or so ago, I decided it was time to try some high tech pest control measures. I stuffed plastic bags in some of the suspect holes in the house. It seems like a useless attempt, but I have no other ideas. Then, I wasn’t sure if I was trapping critters in or out because I didn’t know where they were at the time. Tonight, I noticed that there seems to be a lot less rat poop on the floors (or is it tokay poop?). The bags have not moved. So maybe it’s actually working.
The school just hired a Chinese language teacher. He is now sharing and office with me, Mae, and the screaming cat. He’s real nice and is excited to practice English with me. I know they put us all in the same office because they aren’t quite sure what to do with us, but I enjoy having office mates. I got so much gift fruit today. I got two guavas, some mystery goo made from a fruit I’ve never seen before, dragon fruit, lychee flavored yogurt and 5 mangos.
Today Tip told me her daughter has lice. Oh lovely, do I have lice again? I used the straight iron tonight just in case – fry those eggs before they can hatch. My hair is finally getting longer. It’s hard to tell when it’s curly, but after I straightened it, it looks so long.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
High Tech plastic bag pest controlLook – longer hair
Yesterday I decided I had to get at least one lesson plan done and set an unrealistic goal of three. I had some free time during school and got 4 lesson plans 90% done. I consider that a win! Maybe this lesson planning thing is possible after all. I decided Today would be a day off from lesson planning since I have only one hour of free time during the day. Tomorrow I set the goal to finish at least two and get at least a start on the rest. Maybe I could get ahead by this weekend……
Today I had all the M2s and the Thai teacher wasn’t there. M2 is 13 to 14 year olds. It was so difficult to keep their attention for more than two seconds. By the time I was done with three different M2 classes, I was exhausted. The last class was so bad that when they asked to play a game, I wrote on the board “Class was not good = no game”. Some got it, the rest didn’t even notice I had written something on the board. I was exhausted, but I left for lunch with nothing but indifference. I have experienced this a lot over the years. It sounds like a negative thing, but it’s not. I actually enjoy it, if you can say enjoy and indifference in the same sentence. A lot of times we think of indifference as flippant or as a lack of good feelings. Actually, it’s a lack of judgement either way. There is no good or bad. I didn’t withhold a game because I was upset or frustrated with the kids. It just seemed like the correct consequence for their actions. I didn’t much care if we played a game or not, learned English or not, or just stood there doing nothing. It doesn’t matter, anything is fine.
I went to the canteen for lunch yesterday and today. It still feels very uncomfortable to me. Yesterday was quite scary. I have no idea why it’s scary. Maybe because I’m not sure if what I decide to eat will try to kill me with spice or not. Maybe because I know it will be awkward not being able to talk to most of the teachers. Of course, today was less scary because I was already in the indifference place.
For club today Pat had a game where there were questions in English on pieces of paper and the students had to pick one out of a bag and answer the question. Then they had to ask each other and answer each other. The questions were things like “What is your favorite color” or “How old are you”? I thought they would hate the game. They didn’t. Who knew?
When I tried to buy a printer when I first moved here, Pat told me I could print anything I needed at school. It has turned out to be so difficult. They don’t seem to understand that I have to print stuff every week for classes. It is a huge hassle to print stuff. So, I bought a printer last month anyway. It’s already out of ink. My big task of the day was to attempt to find printer cartridges after school. There is a shop with office supplies so I thought I would start there. I find this scary, but I can do this. Tip knew I was going to look for printer ink and she found me on my way there. She was riding in her little golf cart thing and flagged me down. She suggested a different store. They put ink in my non refillable cartridges. They seem to be working fine even though the printer keeps saying it’s low on ink.
Ton is a guy in my class with the monk. He is the assistant to the Chinese medicine doctor at the hospital and is friends with Tip. Last week Tip made the point of telling me that Ton is single and if I needed anything I could ask him. She also made the point of telling me that Ton is not a man. I think it’s very common in Thailand and very accepted that some people identify with the sexuality different from what they were born with. I find it very interesting how not a big deal it is here when it’s such a topic of controversy in America right now. I don’t see why it’s a big deal. Unfortunately, I’m not attracted to Ton, male or female. Tip made the point of telling me again today that Ton is single.
I have had a few conversations lately about the fact that I’m leaving at the end of the semester to go home. I never said I was going home, but that’s the word on the street. I am so touched as they are truly confused as to why I am leaving and sad to hear I’m going. I’ve been texting with Noi all night about it. She said she was shocked and sad to hear I was leaving and wanted to know if I was unhappy here. I feel guilty and then remind myself that it’s not my job to make everyone happy. I also remind myself that I never planned on staying here forever. They are a communal culture and we are an independent culture. Of course, it’s difficult to understand why I would want something else or how I could come in, get to know them and then leave. They don’t live like that. I feel loved and cared for.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
One of my classroomsMy favorite coffee shop if it’s not too hot outMaking salad
Friday night Noi texted me to see if I wanted to go to the market on Sunday in Tak. She said it was a big market with a lot of plants. I need to go to Tak to go to the big Walmart like store so I said yes. Then she said “See you tomorrow at 7:00”. So I texted her back to see if she meant tomorrow or Sunday. She confirmed Sunday.
Saturday morning I decided to sleep in and they I was going to spend the whole day working on lesson plans. No such luck. At 7:20 I heard yelling and horn honking. It wasn’t real loud over the fan I had on, but I heard it and realized that Noi had meant Saturday, not Sunday. She has probably now woken up all the teachers. I ran downstairs and asked her to give me 5 minutes. I threw on a pair of shorts, a t shirt and a hat and ran out the door. The market was on the street next to the river and had a nice breeze coming off the river. It was a very comfortable temperature until 9:30. Then it was as if someone had thrown me in an oven and it became so uncomfortable. The market was fun. It had every fruit tree, plant, herb, and fish you could ever want. It also had a lot of clothing too. It was fascinating watching Noi try to decide on anything. It took about 20 minutes for her to pick out 4 lime trees, going back and forth with the man selling them. It took her about just as long to pick out three shirts. After the market we went to Tesco Lotus and I bought granola, cheese, salad dressing and a bunch of other things I can’t get in my town. We had pizza for lunch. She let me order since pizza is not her thing. I ordered a pepperoni pizza. She ate it, but I don’t think she liked it much. On the way home we stopped by a big temple in Ban Tak. We didn’t stay long. I’ll have to go back sometime. By the time I got home it was 2:30 and I had done no lesson planning. I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do and by the money problems I’m having. Life just felt impossible. So, I turned on the air conditioning and took a nap for an hour. I never nap because I usually feel worse after a nap. I still felt bad, but I got up and went to the coffee shop and worked there until they closed. I felt a lot better once I had started working on the lesson plans. I went and got a massage after that. All the yuck I had been feeling is definately being held in every part of my body. I got home around 9:00 and went to bed.
Today I spent most of the day doing lesson plans. I took a break to have lunch with Tip, but probably should have just kept working as it took way too long to get lunch with her. I had hoped to get this week’s and part of next week’s lesson plans done this weekend, but only got this week’s. Still, that was the most important part. My mood was much better today even though I didn’t get as much done as I had hoped.
A guy I had been matched with on Tinder when I was in Chiang Mai contacted me and we texted back and forth a bit. He’s riding his bike from Chiang Mai to Phuket. He left Chiang Mai on Friday. Since he will be passing pretty close to here, he’s going to come visit me. That should be on Tuesday. Still no one on Tinder in my area.
Of course I keep questioning why I don’t like teaching or living here. In theory, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do. One piece of the puzzle that keeps coming up is that I don’t like the concrete walls that are around schools and government buildings here. Something about concrete, heat and walls reminds me of my early childhood. I have no idea what happened, but this is not the first time I have had this memory. And by memory, I don’t mean that I remember what happened, but that I have the felt sense memory of being lonely and unhappy, hot and something about concrete. Then I had the thought that I was pretty unhappy through most of my childhood. And now I’m teaching teenagers. Huh….
Now I’m just listening to something crawling around in my ceiling and wondering how I’m ever going to sleep.
Yesterday I felt very overwhelmed with lesson planning. I don’t like lesson planning. I don’t mind the actual teaching, but trying to figure out what and how to teach is just unpleasant. I got text books for my advanced classes and was looking through one to get ideas on what to teach this week. It seems like that would be easier, but the activities in the text book are so disjointed and difficult to follow. They are also way too hard for these students. So, it just makes me sad a the the Thai system that they hold the students to such high standards, but they just aren’t there. I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. Ok, I can’t say when I wanted to be one except before I was one. This is hard.
After school yesterday I went to get coffee at the roadside drink place. The lady there is so nice and remembers what I like. It’s cheaper than the coffee shop too. Since it wasn’t too hot (it was medium hot) and there was a nice breeze, I didn’t mind sitting outside. Then I went home and washed my motorbike. The thing still looks like a complete disaster, but I know it’s clean. Well, as clean as is possible. This made me content. Then I made dinner. I think I could stay here longer if all I had to do were mundane everyday things. I’m actually enjoying those. I feel very peaceful and don’t care that I don’t have a big social life or wild and exciting things to do. I’m completely present. Until I think about lesson planning or my car not being paid on time in the US or what if my house doesn’t sell, etc.
Today I woke up feeling completely horrible. Last night I looked at my US bank account I am running real low. I had to have some repairs done to the house so this month I won’t receive any rent so that will be a big hit when the mortgage bill comes in. After that, I won’t even have enough money to buy a flight home if I wanted to. The last I heard, the renter no longer wanted to buy the house. I still have over $30,000 of debt not including the house and car. The person leasing my car is still paying late every month. So, I woke up with this weighing heavy on me. I’m trying to trust that everything will work out ok, but I just couldn’t this morning. Most of the day I just wanted to leave, but go where?
I’ve had several teachers ask why I am leaving in September and if I was going home. Q, my next door neighbor asked if I was coming back after I went home for awhile. He also asked if Robin was going with me. I found that odd. Just because we are both westerners doesn’t mean I’m bringing a 20 something year old from England back to America with me. Robin’s on his own. I’m not even sure I’m going back to the US. Judging by the questions people asked me, most of them had no idea this was just temporary to begin with. They seemed to think I moved here for good. I find that heart touching and I felt a bit guilty. I questioned why I felt guilty though. I never planned this to be long term. I just don’t want to disappoint people. Guess I have to let that go.
The loud obnoxious skinny mangy school cat had kittens. They are so cute, but it’s sad because the mother just begs food and now she has kittens to feed too.
By the end of the day, I felt like I did yesterday. Just content. I went for coffee and a walk in the gardens with Tip, Ging, and their daughters after school. Then I came home to cook. I should have been working on lesson plans but I plan on doing that all weekend. I probably should be figuring out a financial plan, but I’m not sure what I can do other than move numbers around and get more depressed about it.
Noi came by and brought me lychee, mangosteen and a pair of pajama pants. She wants me to have long pants (although they won’t be long on me) to help keep off the mosquitos because rainy season is coming. I love this woman.
I also love mangosteen. I may have mentioned it before, but if I didn’t, these are the best fruit ever. And I am obsessed with them now. They are just starting to come into season here so I am happy about that. Lychee and rambutan have just come into season too. I like lychee, but only a few at a time. Rambutan is delightful to look at. They look like a shaggy monster. They are lychee’s hairy cousin. They taste way better than lychee too. I tried a new vegetable today. I was told it was like a not sweet melon and it is boiled or fried. So, I fried it with some squash, ginger and onion. It was very unexciting. The squash, ginger and onion combo isn’t too bad though.
Not much exciting happened Sunday. My bus left Chiang Rai at 8:30 in the morning and took most of the day to get home. I’m not sure why it took longer to get home than it took to get to Chiang Rai, but it did. There were 5 police check points on the way home, 4 of which we got pulled over and they searched the bus. I assume they are looking for people sneaking in the country as they checked IDs. They never checked mine. I don’t look Burmese. I got home and found nothing scary in my bathroom, but there was a dying rat peeing on my stairs. Why can’t dying critters go outside and die? They all have to die in some dramatic fashion and wait for me to get home to do it. I assume he ate too much of the rat poison. I had to sweep him into the dust pan and take him outside.
Yesterday at school, I found out that they are still coming up with random issues with my work permit. Now they want my work permit dates to match my employment dates, but instead of making the work permit good for 8 months, they want the school to rewrite the contract for a year. This would mean I would be here through March of next year instead of September of this year. How do you politely say no to that? I tried. Pat made a phone call. I have no idea where this stands now.
I have two higher level English classes. Today I went to teach one of the regular level classes and was told that the higher level class was mixed in. So, basically, what I was teaching was a repeat for the higher level class since I taught them earlier in the week. How is this good classroom planning? It will be an issue for the first two classes, but not after that. Still, this added on to work permit thing just set me in the wrong direction for the rest of the day. I felt defeated and although I know it will all work itself out, I couldn’t shake the feeling. After school, I figured the best plan was to go get a massage. They weren’t there. I contacted Tip and asked if I needed an appointment or could just go get a massage at the hospital. They have a section with acupuncture and massage. She called to set up an appointment, but they were closed for the day. I went by two coffee shops. They were both closed. I gave up and went home to clean my house in the heat. I’m going to have to clean my house every few days anyway. I cleaned 2 rooms and felt a little better.
I question why I don’t want to be here. Ok, there’s the obvious: critters, bugs, the heat, the language, etc., but in theory, it shouldn’t matter. I know that the real “I don’t want to be here” is the one from infancy, not wanting to be here alone in this body, in this life. I have worked on that a lot over the years. All I can gather is that I was left alone a lot in the first few weeks of life and it left a mark that is difficult to define and difficult to work on. I started doing the DSE (Developmental Sequence Exercises) again as I think this is what is needed to finally work through this issue. I catch myself wanting to blame someone else for my problems. Then a second later, I think “that’s stupid. I’m the one who chose this – on purpose”. There’s no one to blame. Even if there was, what would that solve? Nothing. So, this wanting someone to take responsibility is part of not wanting to be here. They both feel backwards and inside out. So, I feel uncomfortable and unhappy and I do my exercises. I watch my thoughts and reactions and I wait for the issue to turn in on itself and flip so it’s no longer inside out.
Today I had 5 classes. I’m exhausted and brain fried. Sometimes I have Thai teachers that help. Today, I didn’t for 4 of the classes and the lesson was pretty difficult. So, I feel like I didn’t do anything useful today. One of my classes was 50 students. I couldn’t keep their attention for more than 5 seconds. That’s too many students. I teach 6 different grades and 2 advanced classes. I had 16 classes last semester and now I have 18. Last semester I was creating 2 lesson plans a week – one for the first 3 grades and one for the last 3 grades. One teacher told me today that next week she wanted me to teach on one of the subjects in her text book. This is great because what I’m teaching will be relevant to what they are supposed to be learning. I’ve been asking for this for months. However, it now means I have more lesson plans to do each week. So now I will have to create one for the first three grades, one for the 4th, one for the 5th, one for the 6th, one for one of the advanced classes and two for the other advanced class. So instead of 2 per week, I’m now up to 9 lesson plans per week. I’m not sure this is actually physically possible. Then add on that I agreed to teach a monk after school twice a week so that’s now 11 lesson plans. Then I found out that Tuesday the last period is for clubs and I have to co-lead a club with Pat. We have to teach them hobbies. My hobbies are snowboarding, mountain biking, hiking, etc. How do I teach hobbies? We will do pottery, but I have no idea how to teach that without supplies and equipment. Beyond that, I know nothing. Help – send me ideas. If you add all that up, I’m now teaching 21 classes a week needing 12 lesson plans. I suck at lesson plans. How did this blow up to this proportion? I can’t possibly see how this is going to work.
I came home to an air conditioner in my room. So, that’s wonderful. I had to clean the whole house again, but I didn’t mind.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
This is what every street in Chiang Rai (and most of Thailand) looks likeAir Conditioning!!
Yesterday, I taught a half a class instead of 4. But since this is my 2nd week at school, it was probably time to teach something. By the afternoon it was looking like it would rain. The wind was strong which I liked because it maid me feel cooler. I saw part of the hill on fire – I think it might have been lightning. I got home and had running water! And by running water, I don’t mean what you are use to at home, but enough to take a shower and as much as I’ve ever had here. I took one of the fastest showers ever because I’m now wondering when the water may run out. If everyone comes home and takes a bath or shower or does dishes or laundry, there may be no water. Or maybe the amount of water has nothing to do with anything and is random. I think it’s random. So, speed shower time. But it was delightful to wash my hair! Yay! I ate dinner while it poured rain. After, it stopped raining, I went to the massage place. I wasn’t sure if I was too late, but if I was, they didn’t turn me away. It’s weird because it’s in someone’s home. There is no massage shop with hours on the door here. My entire body is a mess. My joints hurt. My legs are tight. My back is all rope, no muscles. I think my hands have been feeling numb lately because my back and shoulders are cutting off the circulation. Disaster. But, I plan to go to massage at least once a week and do my conscious movement at home and investigate what I’m holding. I suspect this is part of the final battle of the ego.
This morning’s guest in my bathroom was a snake. Thank god it was after I was dressed and ready for work or it could have been more than I could handle. I called Q over. He came over with a stick taller than me. He meant business. By the time he got here I couldn’t see it. So, I assumed it went under the tub. My tub is about 4 feet high by 1 foot across by 3 feet wide. Q is now standing on top of the tub with a giant stick poking the stick everywhere. No snake. He finally climbs down off the tub and we agree that it’s not to be found right now. I show him a picture and his response is “Oh, I think it is little”. Ugh. I don’t care. Little snakes can be just as deadly. He said he would tell the janitor to chase it out. Poor janitor has become so busy trying to fix all the problems this crazy western girl has. Q shut the bathroom door and suggested I keep it shut. In theory, that’s a great idea, but there is a 6″ gap at the bottom of the door that’s not stopping anything. I rush to get ready to go and look in the bathroom one more time to see the snake near the toilet. I don’t know what to do so I tried bug spray. He didn’t like that and thankfully slithered out the drain hole in the wall. But, if he got out, the screen on the outside of the hole isn’t doing it’s job and he could come back in later. This might explain the disappearing frogs I had in February. I think I’d rather have the frogs back.
Still, I went to school feeling terrified of my bathroom, but not feeling much else. The whole day was kind of indifferent. I think the massage last night released some of the stuff I was holding on to and now there’s no thought that I can’t survive this. I’m pretty resolved that I’m leaving after September. It doesn’t feel like an escape or a running away or an avoiding, but more like a decision made.
Last semester I had 16 classes a week. This semester they changed it to 17 and today I was told I would be teaching another advanced class so 18. I had 4 classes this morning with no break. From nothing for a week to full on. It was ok though. I like the advanced class. It’s only 20 students instead of 50 which is nice too. The other classes went fine too. It will be a lot of work having this many classes, but what else do I have to do?
In the afternoon, Noi came to get me. They are still having issues with my work permit. This time the problem is that the date on my visa doesn’t match the date my passport was stamped as coming into the country. And neither one matches the date of the request for the work permit. How can these people deal with granting work permits if they don’t know how it works? I had to get my visa before I came to Thailand so the dates will never match. I came under a visa that is for the purpose of finding a job so it will never match the date I got the job. So, we had to drive to Tak 45 minutes away to meet with them to try to work it out. I think it’s worked out now, but I have no idea. After, Noi had to go get supplies for the the school store and to make decorations for an upcoming holiday. We go to the school supply store in Tak. I sat in the school supply store forever waiting and sweating. I find the stores here to be interesting. There is so much stuff and yet, hardly any stuff, all at the same time. The variety of stuff is what there is a lot of, but the amount of each thing is what there is hardly any of. So, there are school uniforms – so many colors and styles for all the different schools, but only 5 or 6 of each kind. There is tape, glue, pens, highlighters, paper, and so many things, but only one bin of pens or 7 folders. It was so hot. I would scratch my arm or back and my fingernails would come up so dirty. I think I’ll just be constantly sweating and dirty here. We went to a second school supply store, but this one went quicker.
Then we went to dinner. She asked what I wanted and I told her something with vegetables. I was hoping for a salad, but not counting on it existing in Tak. She took me to a sukiyaki place. She ordered a plate full of mushrooms and tofu and some vegetables. I don’t like mushrooms, but I wasn’t specific enough and I did ask for vegetables. There’s a hot plate built into the table and you cook the soup right there. Overall it was pretty good. After dinner she wanted to show me the hanging bridge in Tak. There’s a park near the river and a suspension foot bridge. The river is very wide here so the bridge is quite long. It looks like a miniature Golden Gate Bridge. It bounces and sways in the wind. There is a night market next to it. There were quite a few people wandering around the market and walking over the bridge. The people wandering around and hanging out gave the area a wonderful energy. There was a nice breeze that made the evening feel comfortable. It was a very pleasant evening.
By the ride home, my brain is exhausted. Even though her English is better than most, it’s still very difficult to understand her. She loves to talk and I’m just tired from trying to follow and answer and explain. Then she pulls out the big guns. “If you have no religion, how do you know how to behave correctly”? I’m not sure if she means me or if this is the collective you. My brain goes all foggy and I feel quite grounded. I feel like I understand the answer to this question fully, but have no words or energy left to explain it. I have no desire to answer the questions, but that would be rude so I try the best I can to explain what I believe. I think it’s possible to live in harmony with life, other people, the world around you because it’s the right way to live, not because your religion tells you to. I don’t think I did a good job of explaining. She asked if I could forgive people. I explained that it sometimes it was difficult, but most of the time, yes, it’s very easy. If you see the truth of the situation, you will see that the other person didn’t do anything wrong or they acted out of fear or some other emotion or that you are reacting out of fear or some other emotion. Again, I don’t know that this translated either. But she now thinks I’m an amazing person that forgives easily. Then she went on for the rest of the ride about if you live a good life and don’t do bad things and give money and prayers to the temple, you will come back in your next life with everything you need. You will be rich, smart and happy. If you do bad things in this life you will come back as an animal or have a bad life or come back with no body so no one can see you. I use to believe in karma, but have since decided I don’t buy into in the hard and fast rule that if you do good this life you will be rewarded in the next. I do believe the energy you put out is the energy you will get back. All I could see as she spoke tonight was the fear of bad and clinging to maybe the future will be good. What a wicked game we play.
Tonight I took another speed shower, but mostly because I’m afraid of what is lurking in the corners or under the tub.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
My new “couch”My bored at the shop faceSchool supply storeAnother schoolThey leave the plastic on their charmsplate of mushrooms
Yesterday was extremely uneventful. I worked on tagging old blogs so hopefully they are more searchable. I met a friend for lunch. I sat by the pool. I tried Tinder again. One guy said he lived outside town and only had a bicycle. So, he can’t take a taxi? Tinder said he was only 6 miles from me. Lame. No one else responded. It was a real hot day and the heat kicked my ass. By the time I was done with dinner I didn’t even feel like getting a massage. Sleep was the only thing that sounded do-able. I did find this good pizza place so this was my second night eating there.
Today, after the sad breakfast that my hotel provided, I went in search of an atm, water and snacks for the bus. It took a while to find an atm and google maps was useless in this endeavor. After I got money, water and snacks, I went back to check out of the hotel. There’s an atm machine right at the hotel. If I had just looked left instead of right, I would have saved myself some time and frustration. Got a taxi to the bus station. Got a bus ride home. It was more expensive than the bus ride up, but I’m too hot to bargain shop. Maybe I’m paying more for air con that works on the bus. Wrong. I guess I was paying more for a bottle of water and mystery snacks. One snack they gave me was a pastry with meat, carrots and something green in it. The other one looked like a tiny hamburger bun with purple goo in it – taro? I love taro so I was quite happy with that one. It was a long (3.5 hours) hot bus ride, but the bus didn’t break down!
No one was able to pick me up from the bus stop so I had to take a motorbike taxi home. I hate those. Flying down the road 50 miles an hour on the back of someone’s motorbike with no helmet. Not to mention it was so hot, it felt like my flesh might melt off. Made it home safely.
I didn’t have running water when I left, but it seemed to be ok when I got home. But now we are back to no running water. I really don’t know if I can handle this. I just want to take a shower, but I can’t. I can’t flush my toilet. I don’t want to cook because I can’t wash dishes. I have a concrete tub in my bathroom, but the water doesn’t look very clean. It has a film on the top of it and dead bugs in it. I asked Q if he had water and he wanted to know if I needed water to drink. I have that. He didn’t seem too concerned about no running water. Both he and Pat said they’d talk to the janitor tomorrow. I was ready to pack up my suitcases and call it and go back to the US, but I can’t go anywhere.
When I had lunch with Rob yesterday, he was telling me how he loved living in Chaing Mai. His apartment is nicer than where he lived in the UK. He likes his job, has friends, and go places. He was going to the gym to play badminton after lunch. The main reason I decided against the Peace Corps is because I wanted a nicer lifestyle. I might have had better accommodations or at least the same in the Peace Corps. So, I question why I’m here? Couldn’t I be learning the same lessons if I lived in a bigger city and loved living in Thailand? Who knows. I’m trying to be present with what is and it’s not difficult to stay present, but I do find that I still want there to be a reason or a purpose to all this or to know how it will all turn out and I have no clue.
Pictures – I did get a picture of the US Consulate yesterday when I walked by it again. See below.
Rraine Drops 