Tag: Awakening

Whoo Whoo Awakening Stuff

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So, as I mentioned in the previous blog, I spent the whole day wandering around Hanoi sick trying to resolve the computer problems.  At some point I no longer cared that I had to walk in traffic just to get around.  I remember thinking that it didn’t matter if I got hit by a bus.  If I die, then I won’t have to deal with feeling so sick anymore.  Maybe that would be ok.  Don’t freak out, that’s just how you feel when you are sick and exhausted.  It did make it easier to get around and life seemed to go around me with no problem.

I know it’s more than just being sick, tired and dirty.  Something big is happening.  By the time I got back to the hotel I decided I was done with life.  I know this isn’t a truth the way you see it, but a process that needs to be kicked, cried and worked out physically.  I tried to sleep, but processed a lot about how exhausted I am in life.  I’m tired of fighting life.  Then fear of death came up.  It was a back and forth of just wanting to die and fear.  It felt very obvious that my identification of who I am no longer works.  It has been disintegrating for months now.  It’s not that I want to die, but that life as that identification is no longer worth fighting for, it’s too painful and too exhausting.  But I don’t know how to let go and fear or “I don’t want to” comes up.  I felt so sick that I wasn’t really sure if I was dying.  So, I cried and prayed for death.  Either way felt fine – death of the ego or the body, it didn’t matter as long as someone would die.  I know it’s not something I can “do”, but  I don’t know how to not “do”.  I had huge dread.  I felt like I hated Hanoi and Vietnam and I couldn’t possibly finish my vacation here.  I felt like there is no way I can go back to work as a teacher in May.  I won’t survive it.  I want to go home, but I have no home to go to.  I could go somewhere else, but where and how?  Why am I here?  This isn’t what I want.  But what I want doesn’t exist.  Then I thought of my mom in Wisconsin who is 86 and trying to take care of a sick husband.  Should I be in Wisconsin?  I’m still not clear if this part of the process was some sort of direction that I should be moving to Wisconsin or if it’s a trick of the ego to try to hold onto “the mom” or am I processing some of what she is experiencing right now?   That night nothing resolved and I finally fell asleep.  Even though it sounds dire, I get it that it that this is all process and is part of that false identification trying to disintegrate.  I don’t take it literally, and I’m just explaining how it feels so if anyone else ever experiences this or something similar, maybe you can have room for the thought that it is just an experience, not a reality.  It feels like the letting go of identification with story and body is at a point of critical mass where I can’t stop it if I tried.  It’s going to happen even if it makes me sick to get me to slow down. This is what I came here for.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

5:00am

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The train arrived in Hanoi at 5:00am.  What?  No one should be awake at 5:00am.  I did not sleep well on the train.  The air conditioning didn’t work and I just sweated and wondered how often trains derail.  I slept a little, but I’m sick so I’m going to whine a little and call on your sympathy.

On the taxi ride to our hotel, we saw soooo many people running around the lake.  The city was already kicking at 5:00am.  They dropped me off first.  I can’t check in until 2:00pm, but at least I could leave my suitcase there.  I feel so sick I can barely move.  It’s misty and drippy, not quite raining out.  I walked the few blocks to the hostel where the rest were staying.  After my hostel experience in Sapa and because I feel so bad, I decided to book my own hotel in Hanoi.  The small streets were not too busy yet.  The hostel was busy with people trying to check in, people waiting for tours and people passed on the couches because they agree with me that 5:00am is just too early.  I was bored and not loving the hostel scene so I left to hunt for food.  In just a half hour the streets had gone from not too busy to mayhem.  There were motor bikes everywhere, people walking, people cooking food in the street, people carrying stuff, and store front’s opening.  I saw an entire street of just tape and packing materials stores.  There didn’t appear to be any restaurants, just random people cooking on the side of the street.  I walked a few blocks and went back to the hostel soaking wet, hungry and quite cranky.  A little while later I tried another food hunt with Louise and we found coffee and I got some bananas.

I decided to set out to see if I could find a place to fix my computer.  The lady working at the hostel suggested a place so I set out in the damp with a map to find it.  I found it and they said they didn’t cover hard ware problems.  They showed me a street not too far away that had computer stores so I headed in that direction.  The streets here are crazy.  There are more vehicles on the road than looks physically possible.  The motorbikes outnumber the cars and buses.  They pass each other with only an inch of room in between.  The motorbikes park on the sidewalk so you have no choice but to walk in traffic.  Crosswalks exist, but don’t mean anything.  You just have to walk in the street and hope no one hits you.  When you cross the street you just run or take a few steps while swarms of motorbikes go around you, take a few more steps and then a few more.  No one stops to let you cross, they just keep moving and weave in and out of each other and you.  Somehow it works.

The street with computer stores was 20 blocks or so with nothing but what looked like people selling electronics out of their garages.  It was kind of creepy.  I picked one and they tried real hard to fix it, but couldn’t figure it out.  I bought a usb drive and figured I could at least save all my files before I gave up on the computer.  I found a store a ways away that said “blah blah blah Microsoft” on google maps so I decided to try that before I reset my computer to factory settings I’d try that place.  My computer was made by Microsoft.  It was much farther than I thought and was the actual company Microsoft.  I figured they wouldn’t be able to help, but went up anyway.  The lady said the Surface was only made in America so they couldn’t help.  She suggested a place I could buy a new computer.

There was a restaurant in the building so I had lunch there.   They didn’t speak English, but after a bit, I managed to order stir fried veggies and rice.  I ran the thing on my computer that cleared it and took it back to factory settings.  It still didn’t fix the problem.  Half way through lunch I was overcome with the distinct feeling that I needed to stop eating now.  I felt ill and left without finishing my meal.  I’m exhausted, sick, damp, and upset by the loss of my computer.

I went to the store the Microsoft lady recommended which was waaaaay more walking.  I bought a new computer.  They said they could set it up in English.  Everything is so cheap here, except my computer.  It cost me $450.  They said it would take 2 hours to set up and I should come back.  It’s now 1:30 and I just want to check into my hotel and sleep, but I have to find something to do for 2 hours and I’m no longer anywhere near the hotel.  I find a coffee shop near by and sit in at a tiny table in a tiny chair on the sidewalk.  The guy who works there is nice and brings me coffee with a side of tea.  Strange, but ok.  Then when I’m done with my tiny coffee, he brings me more tea.  I took a chance and went back to the computer shop a half hour early and it was ready.  They helped me get a taxi back to my hotel and checked in around 5:00pm instead of 2:00.  By now I’m sure I have food poisoning.  It was either brushing my teeth on the train or the banana with the split in the side I had for breakfast.  It could have been lunch too since I had that distinct feeling or that may have been when it hit.

As is the case with most things, maybe all things, there is a spiritual component to this.  Process is coming up and things are moving and changing and I can’t control it, but just hold on tight and go with it.  I’ll post more about this in the next blog for those that are interested in these things.  For those that are not, I went to bed early.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Spiritual Stuff

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

As I’m adjusting to life in Thailand, changes in how I see the world and myself in it are happening.  These changes started long before Thailand.  These are results of many many years of hard work and investigation into what is real.  So the rest of this blog is going to be about things that are spiritual in nature and difficult to explain because they can only be experienced.  So, if this is not your cup of tea, this blog post is not for you.

I’ve been talking about foggy brain since I got to Thailand.  After a session with my teacher and a friend confirming what I was suspecting, I don’t think it’s just too much sugar or too much rice although those things might contribute.  I think things are rewiring in my brain.  I’ve spent my whole life thinking the world worked a certain way and that things I was taught were true, things we were all taught were true.  My childhood helped me create an ego, a story of how life is and I believed it completely.  I’ve spent a long time digging into those stories and finding how believing the world is unsafe makes it unsafe and it’s a story not a truth.  Finding that I’m my own biggest judge and the judgments are not true, but I believed that’s who I was.  But, if I’m not who I thought I was, if I’m not my ego story, who am I?  Sorry to tell you, I don’t have that answer quite yet.  I have glimpses of it, but it’s still presenting itself and the ego is still trying to put it in terms it understands and make it fit in the old story.  But, it appears to me that a lot of the foggy brain is my ego dissolving.  Up to now, I had just been able to expose the lies and discover the truth.  I became healthier and changed my posture and continue to see life with very little judgement, but some of my identity remained with my story. Now enough of my story has been proven wrong and the rest is just dissolving without me having to work through it.  My brain doesn’t know what to do without the story so it just goes blank and fuzzy.  In a place that is so foreign, where I’m lost and alone, the ego is having trouble finding familiar things to hold on to and it’s grip on my identity was already severely undermined with all the years of investigation.

I had someone make the comment that how can I have gone through this much work and graduated from Awakening to Presence class and still be suffering so much.  I immediately was confused by the question.  I don’t feel like I’m suffering.  So, I thought maybe others reading my blog don’t see the fine differentiation that seems to not be there, but in reality is giant.  Most of what I’m experiencing is challenging and entertaining, but not suffering.  It’s not suffering because I chose this and because I’m not believing it should be another way.  The travel from the US to Thailand were suffering, I’ll give you that.  The challenges here have brought up feelings of wanting to go home, being overwhelmed and other stresses.  Most of that is culture shock and I know that so I’m just holding on waiting for it to work it’s way through.  Just because I’ve done all this spiritual work doesn’t make me immune to culture shock any more than it makes me immune to feeling horrible when I’m sick.  I think maybe I haven’t portrayed that well in my blogs.  I don’t think awakening means bliss, peacefulness and lack of discomfort for the rest of your life.  Sorry to those of you who are seeking that. That is why I signed up for Awakening to Presence class 9 years ago.  And when I finally fully got it that it was impossible, I was crushed.   I also think that spiritual leaders that are portraying their lives as without challenge are not telling you the whole story.  Then again, if I had gotten that in the beginning, I might not have signed up.  But on this side I understand fully that Truth is what I want, not perfect happy all the time.

I have written this blog and many others several times.  Half way through my thoughts no longer can be put in words and gibberish comes out of the keyboard as I realize that this is so hard to explain because it has to be experienced.  So, I ask in the future that if you read a blog and think I’m suffering or “poor Rraine”, ask yourself if that is your story.  Can you see it from a different angle, one with humor and lack of the thought it should be different.  Discomfort, pain, exhaustion, crying and other feelings still exist, but if I don’t judge them as “it shouldn’t be” they are just feelings that come and go.  If I judge them, it isn’t for long before I realize I’m doing it and then I can let the judgement go.  I will try to paint this side of the picture more clearly.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

Time to get to the Real Work

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Time to get to the real work – why am I really here.  This has been so hard.  I knew it would be.  The whole time, I’m asking myself, why is it so hard.  Beyond the obvious culture shock, new job, bugs, drastic change in standard of living, etc.  I’ve done my inner work.  I know that if I’m suffering, it’s a lie in my head.  But I still can’t get out of hole of despair.  My job here is to teach English, but the bigger job is to continue to Wake Up (and take my readers with me).

Last night when I was riding my bike up some ridiculous hill I just started crying.  I can hear everything my next door neighbor does so I know if I just start screaming or crying at home, I’m going to have to answer some questions or at the very least, that information will go into the rumor mill and people will think I’m unhappy.  I am unhappy, but not because the school isn’t taking care of me.  I’m unhappy because it’s a giant change and a little too much to process all at once.  I’m unhappy because I have my own unresolved issues that are coming to the surface because I am worn too thin to keep up the defenses against the issues.  So, I was trying to push this tiny bike up a hill it wasn’t fit for and I just couldn’t hold back the tears again.

I’m unhappy because the people I want to love me, don’t reach out to see how I am doing.  Everyone’s life went on as normal without me, as if they didn’t notice I left.  These are the feelings coming up, not the reality of it.  I have had amazing contact with some of my ATP classmates.  I know people are reading and following my blog.  I’ve talked to my family more that I use to.  I know I have a bunch of friends planning to travel with me when I have time off.  And now I have an entire school that will do anything to make me feel welcome so I will stay here.  Ok, it’s not because they know and love me, but still, it’s an entire school.  I’ve spent most of my life taking care of myself, physically and emotionally.  I’ve spent most of my life craving and wishing for that someone special, that knight in shining armor to come and save me and take care of me because I’m so tired of doing it myself.  I know that’s never going to happen, but I keep hoping for it anyway.  Can I let go of the “need” for it to be one person, a mate, a knight?  Can I let go of wanting it to be the person that is not interested or capable?  Because if I can, I might be able to enjoy the fact that I’m being taken care of.  It’s not a man that I find attractive with the promise of a life partnership together. It’s not happily ever after.  It came in a different package.  It’s a staff of teachers and a bunch of students.

On a slightly different issue (but still related, somehow), I’m frustrated with the wifi here.  The possible solution is an hour’s drive away and I have a bicycle that doesn’t like hills.  I supposedly live in the land of waterfalls, but I have no way to go find any of them.  I have fellow TESOL teachers 2 and 3 hours away (by car, not bicycle).  I feel stranded.  I miss my car.  It’s a frantic panic-y feeling.  I was noticing it and questioning this correlation between freedom and mobility.  One of the questions I’ve gotten a lot the last few days is am I lonely.  It seems funny to me.  No, I’m not lonely.  I’m around teachers and students all day long.  I can hear every time my next door neighbor sniffles or someone walks by.  Back home, I was alone and isolated.  I would spend about 90% of my week alone.  I got lonely sometimes.  The difference here is not lonely or not, it’s mobile or not.  At home, if I was feeling isolated, I’d just get in the car and drive somewhere else.  I have no issue roaming around Thailand, seeing the sights and scenery alone.  I mind that I can’t roam.  So, this connection/correlation/realization is still coming together, but since I just put them together today, I figured I’d write about it since it’s at the point where it will probably come together in the next week or so.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

WTF

On By rrainefioreIn Antarctica Job Search, Awakening, ThailandLeave a comment

Tonight I went down to my room after the workshop was over and listened to my voicemail.  There was a message from someone at PAE asking if I would be interested in the Construction Superintendent job at McMurdo.  This is the job I really wanted in Antarctica.  I am well suited for this job.  The job would start in January.  I had assumed I was going to Thailand and worked through my disappointment over not going to Antarctica.  At first I felt angry and frustrated.  I’ve been waiting for this since March.  Why wait this long?  Why now?  I’ve packed most of my clothes.  I’ve paid $1400 in vaccinations.  I have a plane ticket to Thailand.  My deposit for my TEFL class is paid.  I paid for international health insurance for a year.  I told everyone I am going to Thailand.  What the fuck?!  Now I might have to make decisions.  I told Wendy, Michael and Ed and they are all excited for me.   I don’t feel excited.  I feel chaos and stress.  Michael said “Oh, does life support Rraine?  This is what you want”.  This is what I want, but it didn’t come in the package I wanted.  I spent years knowing I was quitting my job and doing something else, but not knowing what that something would be.  It was so uncomfortable not knowing, not having a plan.  I felt weak, indecisive, terrified, and stupid.  Then when I finally made a plan to go to Thailand, it felt solid.  Now I may abandon my plan and I’m back to feeling all those things again.  Fuck you life, I can’t make this decision.  So, I broke it down – why am I upset?  I will lose all the money I have already spent – ok, it’s just money and there will be more money.  I may appear flakey to the TEFL company and they may not want to postpone my class.  Why do I care what they think?  I’m afraid all the people I told I was going to Thailand will judge me.  Again, why do I care what they think?  I’m not even close most of the “they”.  Those that are close to me get it.  It’s my judge.  It’s my inner mom telling me I have to finish what I start.  I have to do what I said I would do.  It’s fear of not having a plan (code for control over the situation).  Without a plan, I will have nothing and won’t be able to take care of myself and then I’ll die.  I feel unstable without a plan.  I feel extra unstable if I abandon the perfectly good plan I had.  I’m upset because this will add more to my to-do list and it’s already ridiculous.  These and many I didn’t list are the surface reasons I am upset, but they are just there to distract me from the base issue.  The base issue is that if I get this job, the one I wanted, I will have to accept the fact that Life does support me.  This is contrary to everything I have ever believed.  My entire life and much of my personality is based on the belief that there is not enough for me.  This is what I’ve been working on so hard.  I want reality to flip and to really get it that life supports me.  I will have to live from the new truth, to not know and trust and change – forever.  It’s so silly that this is so hard.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I just finished a week of an Awakening to Presence workshop in Pennsylvania.  The workshop was amazing as always.  I feel blessed to be able to witness the work of so many beautiful people and to be able to support them.  I love watching the other assistant teachers step into their leadership.  And it’s amazing to watch True Nature show up to show us what we are.  I said goodbye to most of this group in June because I wasn’t sure when I was leaving.  It was difficult to say goodbye again.  I felt their love and respect which reminds me of why I am doing this work and why I am leaving.  Part of why I am leaving is for me, my adventure, my learning and my experience.  But I do believe this adventure will deepen my presence.  It feels more like a widening than a deepening.  If I can go out and explore the world with a wide openness, what will I find?  If I can find it safe, rich, enjoyable and full, even in the midst of chaos, unfamiliarity, and fear, can I hold that knowledge in my body and my energy?  Can I hold that for myself and others?  I cognitively know this and I know this a bit from my experiences recently, but now I’m jumping off in the deep unknown to really test it so I may know it fully.  I hope that others will follow me in their own way to knowing.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I was reading Diamond Heart Book 4 today.  It started out talking about how people that claim instant Realization and that realization doesn’t happen this way.  It’s not instant, it’s nonlinear, it’s a process.  I was just discussing this with Lisa and how I want to write about my process in this blog.  As I was reading this, I could see colors swirling on the white page.  Fun!

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Salida Art Show 2nd Day

On By rrainefioreIn ArtLeave a comment

More pottery not selling today.  By the end of the weekend I had broken even – sold enough to cover the hotel and booth fee.  This weekend did not follow my ego plan.  The question of what is the point of this weekend was not answered.  I just left feeling tired and frustrated.  Maybe there isn’t a point to everything.  Maybe things are just random sometimes.  I’m trying to find a point or a silver lining to offset that the weekend didn’t go the way I wanted it to.  I’m trying to turn “bad” into “good” by looking for some higher purpose.  I can only accept that my plan failed if something good comes out of it.  The reality is that bad and good are my interpretation of the situation.  They aren’t real.  The reality is I went to an art show, sold a few things and then came home.  The frustration, the thought that it should be different, the negative feelings, the search for the positive is all an ego game.  What a dumb game – I lose every time.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Feminine

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I’ve spent most of my life living at the male end of the energy spectrum.  I’ve always had more male friends than female.  I’m focused, purpose driven and like to get things done.  I was always good at math and science in school and little patience for girly things.  I was a tom boy who preferred to be climbing trees than playing with dolls.  I went to college to be and engineer and have worked in that field for over 20 years.  I’ve been single for most of my adult life.  I had one boyfriend for 3 years, one for 1 year and I was with my Scott for a total of 5 years (2 married).  All my other relationships have been quite short.   I’ve now been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want.  I have been struggling over the years with issues I have with alone and loneliness.  I’ve been struggling with not knowing what I want.  I’ve been craving a romantic relationship, but just not finding what I want.  At a young age, I rejected the ultra feminine.  I see it as mushy, weak, indecisive, high maintenance, dumb, and not powerful.  At some level, I’m rejecting myself, I’m rejecting my creativity and passion.  On an energetic level, I am only finding men that will reject me.  Over and over again, I find someone that is interested in me only to have them leave me for someone else.   This issue of my lost femininity has come up a lot and recently it has become clear to me that it might be core of a lot of my issues.  I have been actively work on this for about a year now. For a while I tried to just be present when I was out and see if I was energetically more on the male or female side of the spectrum.  I would try to be more feminine.  All I found from this experiment was that I couldn’t change at will.  I can’t “do” feminine.

This adventure to live in another country is an exercise of throwing myself into the feminine and seeing what it’s like.  I don’t know where I’m going, or how, and I don’t fully know why.  I’m trying to trust that the flow of life will determine what is next.  I’m throwing away the need for a plan, the need to control the situation.  It’s been very uncomfortable.  For quite a while I had no idea what part of the world I would be going to.  I had no idea how I would get there, what I would do to make money.  At first I thought I should know and have a plan.  When people would ask me, I’d say I didn’t know and then try to say something to justify why I didn’t know yet.  I could see the disapproval or terror in most people’s eyes.  I felt flighty and irresponsible for not knowing what I was doing.  I felt like I appeared that I wasn’t taking it seriously enough.  After a while I just got tired of explaining and I just felt frustrated because I didn’t have what I thought was a good enough reason for being wishy washy.  At that point, when people would ask me when and where I was moving, I’d just say soon and somewhere or I don’t know.  I would still see the judgement and terror in their eyes, but the most amazing thing happened when I would just leave the answer at that and not try to explain or justify.  The judgement on their faces would disappear and was replaced with excitement or awe or respect.  This happened only every time.  Most people would say something like “that is so brave” or “I wish I could do that” or some other powerful statement.  Wait, this not knowing, not having a plan, feminine flighty thing I’m doing is actually not weak or indecisive, but actually brave and powerful.  (I still find it extremely uncomfortable).

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

How My Blog Got Started

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I’ve wanted to write a blog for a long time, but it just kept getting put off.  I thought that writing a blog might be one way to make money.  One night I researched making money from blogs.  There was so much information and it was so new and confusing that I think I’m dumber after doing the research.  But the idea of doing a blog kept coming back to me so now I’m doing it because I want to and not to make money.  I still don’t understand how people make money by blogging.

So, where do I start without telling you my entire life’s story?  Let’s start with Awakening to Presence School.  There are a ton of things that led up to that point, but let’s just start there.  I started with the classes because I thought I wanted to become an energy healer.  I can honestly say I didn’t really know what I was signing up for except for the fact that I knew I was where I needed to be.  Energy work is only part of what I would learn.  I would learn anatomy, physiology, conscious movement, energy work, psychology, character patterns, grounding, judge work, and much more.  I had to question everything I thought was true about myself and the world and be willing to go to the places inside myself I didn’t want to go to investigate.  After seven years of school and the most amazing amount of personal growth and learning, I was ready to quit my engineering career and start my own business as a coach in this work.   But before I start my new business I want to spend some time experiencing what it’s like to live differently.  I want to live in a different county, a different culture, to get a little lost in the chaos and see what I learn from those experiences.  I researched the Peace Corps, but that wasn’t quite it.

I’ve wanted to go to Antarctica for years.  I even applied for jobs in the past.  In March I started the job application process.  I applied for 58 jobs.  I waited months without hearing a word.  By mid summer, I decided I might need to look into Plan B.  I could be an engineer somewhere else, maybe work in a spa doing massage, deal blackjack again, or work as a dive master.  I could teach English, kayaking or snowboarding.  I looked into jobs with US Embassies or Consulates.  I looked into Engineer’s without Borders.  I just kept coming up with ideas and no real direction.  So I decided to figure out where I wanted to go and then maybe the job would be obvious.  Nope.  There are so many countries.  The more I researched the more I found land mines, kidnappings, natural disasters, and horrible illnesses.  Now more time had passed and I was depressed at how unsafe our world appears and no closer to a plan.  Eventually I narrowed it down to southeast Asia, Malaysia or Indonesia.  Teaching English was the front runner followed closely by dive master, but some of the other ideas were still worth researching.  A little more time past and the plan got narrowed down to Thailand to teach English, Bali (not sure how) or Antarctica.  Now you are all caught up – sort of – not even close, but that’s going to have to do.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore