Yesterday I got a body scrub.  It’s the first time I’ve felt clean in over a week.  I just am hot and sweaty all the time in Sam Ngao and I don’t feel like I’m really getting clean when I shower only to be sweating 3 minutes later.  Then Wednesday I didn’t have any water at the house so there was no shower to be had.  I had some coffee shop time, some pool and read Game of Thrones time and I did some coloring in my new Under the Sea coloring book.

I tried Tinder again.  Made some matches and chatted with a few guys.  I was hoping to meet someone to have dinner with, but didn’t.  I posted about it on facebook and got a bunch of replies cheering me on or telling me how to Tinder better.  At some point it just seems like a lot of work and by the time I was hungry I was glad to go eat alone.  I need to move somewhere cooler.  I think the heat takes all my energy and motivation.  Of course, I’m also questioning all my thoughts and beliefs about ‘alone’ too since that has historically been my biggest issue.  In the past I would swing between craving a relationship and not wanting to be around any people.  Now it no longer feels like a swing with big highs or lows on either side.  It feels more like an electrical short.  One minute I want company and conversation, the next I want to sit alone, then another minute I’m completely indifferent.  It switches so quickly that it feels silly to make any plans because it’s going to change.  It switches quickly, but none of it has much emotional charge to it.  There’s no craving, no sadness, no longing, just a quickly changing preference.  Now if only that would happen with my opinion of the heat…..

Today has been uneventful – breakfast and more coloring.  I ventured out to explore more of Chaing Mai and then went and hid from the heat in a coffee shop.  Think I’ll try to explore more after I write this blog.  Or give up and go back to the pool.

So, those of you following how I find AH Almaas relevant to my journey, the rest of this is for you.  I know that I’m not seeing life correctly.  With this knowledge, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do.  There is no real basis for waking up with the dreads, not liking teaching, hating the heat or thinking I should be planning what is next.  The chapter I’m reading is talking about how the world we live in is all concepts in our mind.  “Even if our mental world is lonely, and we gain little pleasure from our experiences, our thoughts are familiar and give us an illusion of security and control that binds us to them. We may see no alternative to this way of understanding ourselves and our world.  Because we believe it’s reality.  How can we think of an alternative?  Even if we think of and long for freedom, we think of freedom within that world”.  He suggested a meditation where you observe your thoughts.  Not the content of the thoughts, don’t try to figure out what they mean, but just notice the thinking process.  When does the thought arise, when does it stop, how long is the gap before the next thought arises?  It doesn’t matter what the thought is about or how it makes you feel, just look at the strings of thoughts and gaps.  No need to do something or react to the thought, see it as thinking itself.  I’ve tried this a few times.  It’s interesting.  That’s all I’m going to say about it right now.  Try it and see for yourself.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore