Tuesday was a long day. I have the most classes on Tuesdays and I’m exhausted by the end of the day. Pat has been bringing me lunch most days. It’s nice, but at the same time, it means I don’t go to the cafeteria (they call it the canteen) with the other teachers. So, today when Pat said she couldn’t bring me lunch I decided to go to the canteen. It’s a bit strange and felt overwhelming. There are several different food sellers and I have no idea what I can eat and what I can’t because I can’t handle spicy food. Noi was there and helped steer me in the right direction. I felt very watched and stared at as all the students are in there eating and a lot of the teachers are. I sat at one of the teacher’s tables, but they all soon got up so I ended up eating alone. I didn’t love the food. Overall, it was a somewhat unpleasant experience. I’m just so tired of not being able to communicate. But there just isn’t enough time in the day to all my work for school and my brain is fried when I go home so I can’t seem to take in any information and Thai is just not sticking.
At some point I asked Xploreasia if they would work directly with my school to replace me when I leave. I have an agent that charged my school to “find” me and then told me she is not my agent. She hasn’t done anything. I’m ok with that because she is an unpleasant woman. Xploreaisa decided to contact her and tell her everything I said instead of just giving me a yes or no on the subject. She is now livid as I listened to her screaming and yelling at Pat yesterday about how horrible I am and how I’m complaining. Then she told Pat that next semester she was going to charge more. I don’t trust that Xploreasia has my back. I don’t feel I can trust the placement group at all. And now this lady is going to try to punish the school because, well, I’m not even sure why.
Even though I was tired and just wanted to go home after school, I had a date. The coffee shop near my house also is a hotel with a few rooms. I had Tip reserve a room for him there since it’s brand new and closer to me than the hotel at the dam. We went up to the dam and looked around a little and then went to dinner and just sat and talked after dinner. He is from England and is riding his bike from Chiang Mai to Phukett. It was delightful hanging out with him. Tinder for the win!
Today was ok. I had my first class after school teaching a monk and three other people. They knew a lot more English than I expected and I went through my lesson plan way too fast. I was struggling trying to figure out what to teach. The monk is getting ready to go to India for a month and wants to improve his English for his trip since it is spoken in most places. So, now I have to come up with lesson ideas for English he might need in India. I no longer want to do this, but I can’t exactly back out now. I think I can pull it off, but it’s going to be a lot of work. I assume it will get easier once I get into the lesson planning.
Tonight after dinner I looked up and could barely see the ceiling. There were long winged bugs flying everywhere. And of course, that’s not enough of an issue, but there’s a giant tokay in my house just hanging out above where I was sitting. How does he get in there? I watched him for a short time and he wasn’t moving. There’s bugs of plague proportions and he’s not even eating them? Why is he even here if he’s not going to eat bugs? I tried spraying the bug spray I have in the air. That didn’t even put a dent in the amount of bugs flying around. All it did was make me choke and gag and now hours later I have a horrible headache. I have skipped a shower 6 times here. Three because it was too cold to shower, twice because there was no water and tonight on account of bugs. The bugs were covering me so I figured getting wet was going to make it worse. I grabbed my computer and phone and am now hiding in my bedroom. My bedroom appears to be plague free for the moment. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that out loud. At least they weren’t biting bugs.
Yesterday, I taught a half a class instead of 4. But since this is my 2nd week at school, it was probably time to teach something. By the afternoon it was looking like it would rain. The wind was strong which I liked because it maid me feel cooler. I saw part of the hill on fire – I think it might have been lightning. I got home and had running water! And by running water, I don’t mean what you are use to at home, but enough to take a shower and as much as I’ve ever had here. I took one of the fastest showers ever because I’m now wondering when the water may run out. If everyone comes home and takes a bath or shower or does dishes or laundry, there may be no water. Or maybe the amount of water has nothing to do with anything and is random. I think it’s random. So, speed shower time. But it was delightful to wash my hair! Yay! I ate dinner while it poured rain. After, it stopped raining, I went to the massage place. I wasn’t sure if I was too late, but if I was, they didn’t turn me away. It’s weird because it’s in someone’s home. There is no massage shop with hours on the door here. My entire body is a mess. My joints hurt. My legs are tight. My back is all rope, no muscles. I think my hands have been feeling numb lately because my back and shoulders are cutting off the circulation. Disaster. But, I plan to go to massage at least once a week and do my conscious movement at home and investigate what I’m holding. I suspect this is part of the final battle of the ego.
This morning’s guest in my bathroom was a snake. Thank god it was after I was dressed and ready for work or it could have been more than I could handle. I called Q over. He came over with a stick taller than me. He meant business. By the time he got here I couldn’t see it. So, I assumed it went under the tub. My tub is about 4 feet high by 1 foot across by 3 feet wide. Q is now standing on top of the tub with a giant stick poking the stick everywhere. No snake. He finally climbs down off the tub and we agree that it’s not to be found right now. I show him a picture and his response is “Oh, I think it is little”. Ugh. I don’t care. Little snakes can be just as deadly. He said he would tell the janitor to chase it out. Poor janitor has become so busy trying to fix all the problems this crazy western girl has. Q shut the bathroom door and suggested I keep it shut. In theory, that’s a great idea, but there is a 6″ gap at the bottom of the door that’s not stopping anything. I rush to get ready to go and look in the bathroom one more time to see the snake near the toilet. I don’t know what to do so I tried bug spray. He didn’t like that and thankfully slithered out the drain hole in the wall. But, if he got out, the screen on the outside of the hole isn’t doing it’s job and he could come back in later. This might explain the disappearing frogs I had in February. I think I’d rather have the frogs back.
Still, I went to school feeling terrified of my bathroom, but not feeling much else. The whole day was kind of indifferent. I think the massage last night released some of the stuff I was holding on to and now there’s no thought that I can’t survive this. I’m pretty resolved that I’m leaving after September. It doesn’t feel like an escape or a running away or an avoiding, but more like a decision made.
Last semester I had 16 classes a week. This semester they changed it to 17 and today I was told I would be teaching another advanced class so 18. I had 4 classes this morning with no break. From nothing for a week to full on. It was ok though. I like the advanced class. It’s only 20 students instead of 50 which is nice too. The other classes went fine too. It will be a lot of work having this many classes, but what else do I have to do?
In the afternoon, Noi came to get me. They are still having issues with my work permit. This time the problem is that the date on my visa doesn’t match the date my passport was stamped as coming into the country. And neither one matches the date of the request for the work permit. How can these people deal with granting work permits if they don’t know how it works? I had to get my visa before I came to Thailand so the dates will never match. I came under a visa that is for the purpose of finding a job so it will never match the date I got the job. So, we had to drive to Tak 45 minutes away to meet with them to try to work it out. I think it’s worked out now, but I have no idea. After, Noi had to go get supplies for the the school store and to make decorations for an upcoming holiday. We go to the school supply store in Tak. I sat in the school supply store forever waiting and sweating. I find the stores here to be interesting. There is so much stuff and yet, hardly any stuff, all at the same time. The variety of stuff is what there is a lot of, but the amount of each thing is what there is hardly any of. So, there are school uniforms – so many colors and styles for all the different schools, but only 5 or 6 of each kind. There is tape, glue, pens, highlighters, paper, and so many things, but only one bin of pens or 7 folders. It was so hot. I would scratch my arm or back and my fingernails would come up so dirty. I think I’ll just be constantly sweating and dirty here. We went to a second school supply store, but this one went quicker.
Then we went to dinner. She asked what I wanted and I told her something with vegetables. I was hoping for a salad, but not counting on it existing in Tak. She took me to a sukiyaki place. She ordered a plate full of mushrooms and tofu and some vegetables. I don’t like mushrooms, but I wasn’t specific enough and I did ask for vegetables. There’s a hot plate built into the table and you cook the soup right there. Overall it was pretty good. After dinner she wanted to show me the hanging bridge in Tak. There’s a park near the river and a suspension foot bridge. The river is very wide here so the bridge is quite long. It looks like a miniature Golden Gate Bridge. It bounces and sways in the wind. There is a night market next to it. There were quite a few people wandering around the market and walking over the bridge. The people wandering around and hanging out gave the area a wonderful energy. There was a nice breeze that made the evening feel comfortable. It was a very pleasant evening.
By the ride home, my brain is exhausted. Even though her English is better than most, it’s still very difficult to understand her. She loves to talk and I’m just tired from trying to follow and answer and explain. Then she pulls out the big guns. “If you have no religion, how do you know how to behave correctly”? I’m not sure if she means me or if this is the collective you. My brain goes all foggy and I feel quite grounded. I feel like I understand the answer to this question fully, but have no words or energy left to explain it. I have no desire to answer the questions, but that would be rude so I try the best I can to explain what I believe. I think it’s possible to live in harmony with life, other people, the world around you because it’s the right way to live, not because your religion tells you to. I don’t think I did a good job of explaining. She asked if I could forgive people. I explained that it sometimes it was difficult, but most of the time, yes, it’s very easy. If you see the truth of the situation, you will see that the other person didn’t do anything wrong or they acted out of fear or some other emotion or that you are reacting out of fear or some other emotion. Again, I don’t know that this translated either. But she now thinks I’m an amazing person that forgives easily. Then she went on for the rest of the ride about if you live a good life and don’t do bad things and give money and prayers to the temple, you will come back in your next life with everything you need. You will be rich, smart and happy. If you do bad things in this life you will come back as an animal or have a bad life or come back with no body so no one can see you. I use to believe in karma, but have since decided I don’t buy into in the hard and fast rule that if you do good this life you will be rewarded in the next. I do believe the energy you put out is the energy you will get back. All I could see as she spoke tonight was the fear of bad and clinging to maybe the future will be good. What a wicked game we play.
Tonight I took another speed shower, but mostly because I’m afraid of what is lurking in the corners or under the tub.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
My new “couch”My bored at the shop faceSchool supply storeAnother schoolThey leave the plastic on their charmsplate of mushrooms
I didn’t wake up with the dreads this morning. What? How is that possible? I didn’t wake up excited to be awake, but still, no dreading life. Cool. Maybe because I figured it would be an easy first day back to work and it was. I filled out some paperwork, printed some things, had a long lunch with some of the other teachers and went home early. Only two grades started school today – the new ones starting M1 and M4 which has some returning students and a lot of new students. The rest of the classes will start on Wednesday.
I was hoping to get a mat and some pillows to make a “couch”. There was a store that Tip and Ging told me about that was closed yesterday. Pat said she’d take me by it today after we ran some other errands. I don’t have anything too pressing to do so errands sound great. We went and picked up Dam’s mother and took her to several stores and a market in Ban Tak. Really, where was this town the whole month of February? I’ve never heard of it and now I’ve been there twice in two days. Dam’s mother doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak Thai, but we bonded over how hard it was to get in the tall truck and over how hot it was. We found a fan in the back seat and took turns fanning each other. When we dropped her off, she grabbed my hand and just held it tight for a few seconds. Then we went looking for the pillow store. It either doesn’t exist or it was closed.
I still have a mouse in my bathroom. I still don’t like this fact.
Last night I went over to Tip’s house. Ging was there too. They think I should get an evaporative cooler. They each have one or more in each room. They helped me look for one on line. Tip’s husband has a good idea of which ones are good and not. He had two smaller ones they aren’t using. He brought them in the room and set them up so I could check them out. He asked if I would borrow one. Hell yea! They drove me home with my new best friend, R2D2. He’s a round green evap cooler. I slept a lot better last night than I have in awhile. Then Ging said she’d take me to Ban Tak today to buy one for my own.
This morning Ging, her husband, Tip and the two little girls came to pick me up to go shopping. We didn’t find an evap cooler that was of decent quality, but got some other things I needed. Plus, I got to see where Ban Tak is. It’s a bit bigger town than where I live. It would be a bit of a drive on a motorbike, but do-able. We went by Tip’s favorite coffee shop and I got to meet Boom, the owner who grows his own coffee. He invited me to come visit his farm sometime. At some point during the shopping, they got a look at my shopping list which is ridiculously long. Ging’s husband is now on a mission to help me find everything. So, after we went home and the little girls got to nap, Ging, her husband and her daughter picked me up again and took me to Tak in search of the rest of the stuff on my list. I now have a printer, a new towel, and ironing board and some other stuff for the house. I still want to set up a “couch” and have an idea of a mat and the Thai triangle shaped pillows. The store that would have those was closed. I want a external dvd player I can plug into my computer. I have no freakin idea why I bought a computer with out a dvd player. I blame Vietnam. He’s going to let me borrow his until we can find one on line.
It was a full day of shopping and preparing for class tomorrow. Ugggh, after 2 months off I have to go back to work tomorrow. I can do this. I can do this.
I went into the bathroom tonight to find a bunch of soil on the floor. The water in the bathroom drains out a hole in the wall. There’s a screen on the outside of the hole. Or at least there was. I suspect it’s gone now. So, what dragged all that soil into my bathroom? I looked behind the tub to find another mouse looking up at me. Whaaaa
I didn’t do much exciting today. I spent a good part of it at the coffee shop. I don’t think Thais hang out in coffee shops for hours the way we do so they probably think I’m nuts or wonder when I’m ever going to leave. So, rather than spend the whole day there I tried to go shopping.
I don’t know why, but going into the stores around town makes me very uncomfortable. I’m being stared at. I don’t know what half the stuff I’m looking at is. And if I have questions, forget it. I feel uncomfortable at the market, but I like it. I don’t like stores. Weird. So, shopping didn’t take up much time. Now what do I do?
I chased the mouse around the bathroom quite a bit today. Then tonight, found him dead. The bathroom is mine again, well, not really. There are probably 8 small geckos living in there and some bugs. Why do jumping spiders live near the toilet?
I tried to find the orange house of the lady who made me promise to come visit her. I didn’t find it. There were a few peach colored houses and some cedar colored houses. Too bad it wasn’t pepto bismol pink because there was only one of those and it was unmistakable or that equally obnoxious green house.
I went to the gardens up by the dam. At some point the road has manicured lawns along it and beautiful landscape. This makes me sad because I live in the woods and I want to live in a place with lawns and landscape. So this brings up the question: Why do certain things make us relax and others don’t when in reality, one isn’t better than the other? I think it’s a combination of familiarity and programmed preferences. The manicured lawns remind me of the US and of wealthier/nicer neighborhoods. The woods I live in make me think of snakes, bugs and other crawly things. There’s trash everywhere and it’s wild and uncared for. Granted, I’d rather look at pretty flowers than trash in a pile of dead leaves, but it’s the way looking at one vs the other actually changes the way I feel, my emotions, my nervous system, my energy level. The reality is one is not actually different than the other (except the trash), both are nature. My friend Corina and I were discussing this the other day as we were comparing me trying to rid my house of mice and tokays and she had squirrels in her garage. Somehow, the squirrels were not as bad as mice and tokays. But in reality, what is the difference? I also noticed this when I was in Vietnam and they drove on the “right” side of the road. I felt my system relax a little. I noticed this in Singapore too. Everything is clean, people drive politely, there are gardens and art everywhere. Why is planned landscape better than natural? I think part of may be because of the intention that was put into creating a garden or art, but it’s still interesting how physical the reaction is, not just a simple “aw, I like that”. And how automatic the reaction is that we may not even notice it enough to ask the question. So, apparently I want to live a wealthier lifestyle and I’m drawn to the things that represent that to me.
I read some more of Diamond Heart Book 4. I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s just amazing that whenever I read AH Almaas, he’s speaking directly to me as if he just wrote that chapter for me 5 minutes before I decided to read it. This only happens EVERY time I read his books. This time it was about how the problem is that we aren’t seeing correctly. We aren’t seeing reality. We are seeing concepts we learned a long time ago. We are seeing concepts in our brains. I was just talking about how I feel like I’m not seeing correctly. And I think the previous paragraph fits into this as well. Maybe I should read more Almaas and less Game of Thrones…….
Daylight helps so much. Nothing looks quite as dire during the day. I woke up not happy, but not completely covered in bugs so that’s a plus. I hardly slept at all last night. It was so hot that I just laid in bed sweating trying to lay as close to the edge as I could so I got full effect of the fan. I’m still amazed how much my face can sweat. I noticed that I’m just holding all the stress of it all kind of like holding my breath, waiting until September. I can’t hold my breath until September. I can’t live like this that long. I still don’t know how to let the holding go. I tried to cry or get angry, but it’s not an emotional thing. I’ve done that work for years. Cognitively I understand that it’s an issue of seeing. None of this looks the way I wanted it to. The fairy tale I was fed as a child isn’t true. No knight in shining armor is coming to save me. I wanted a more comfortable life than this. I wanted to live in a different culture, but in a city with expats I could be friends with and the ability to get around easier. And then I wanted the next step in my process to present itself easily. And some how money would appear and I’d live happily ever after. It doesn’t look like that. I need to see differently. Last night as I typed that I was feeling broken, I thought maybe I need to be broken. Maybe it’s like losing all that muscle I lost a few months ago, where I felt that I had to lose it all to start over. Maybe I have to be broken, have everything I want not possible so I can let go of how it “should be” and really see. Maybe it’s already happening.
The janitor came over and finished covering holes in my house. There are so many he didn’t do because it would take a month full time to cover every hole, but I think we got the ones that mice and tokays could get through. Speaking of mice, I found the one living in my bathroom. We both chased him around for 5 minutes and then he disappeared. Like magic. I have no idea where he went. So mind boggling. There must be a secret trap door that only mice and frogs know about.
Now I’m sitting in the coffee shop in air conditioning and wondering how they can actually get that much sugar to dissolve in a latte. On my way here, I ran into one of the teachers, Pit. I don’t know Pit’s actual title, but he’s kind of like an assistant principle. He and one of the other teachers looked so happy to see me. They both mentioned the air conditioning. So, I will have air con in the future. As usual, I’m not clear on the full content of the conversation, but I think the air con unit will be here on the 15th.
So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to try putting tags in my blog so that they are searchable by others. Or at least, that’s what I think it will do. I’m not sure because the whole thing about hashtags has me mystified. I understand it makes things searchable, but I have no idea who is searching for some of the things I’ve seen hashtagged. I have no idea how someone goes about searching. And above all I have no idea why. So, if you get a bunch of emails in the near future saying I updated a blog, sorry. I don’t know if WordPress sends an email every time I make and update or only when I post a new blog. Also, if you have any good ideas of hashtags I should use, let me know.
It rained and cooled down last night. What a relief to be able to sleep. I was able to sleep until 7:00am and toss and turn and complain until 8:30am. Even though I was complaining, I was grateful that it wasn’t too hot and I could lay in bed and complain until 8:30. I swept my bedroom floor this morning. Even though it was cleaned the other day, it’s a disaster again – lots of bugs and mouse poop. I swept the rest of the house too – same thing. I just might have to sweep every day.
I worked on lesson plans at school. I don’t like doing lesson plans especially when I have no curriculum or any idea what they are learning in the rest of their English classes. I feel so unprepared and unqualified for this job. The main office has air conditioning. It doesn’t work real well, but my house is uninhabitable during the day so it was great. I was there most of the day and got hardly anything done. I don’t know what happened. I feel like that most days. Nothing gets done and I don’t know where the day went. I think I move slower in the heat? Maybe? I blame the heat.
I went to the pool with Tip and her kids tonight. Yay! A pool! You have to pay to get in the pool and the water was very warm, but I was covered in water so I don’t care. I definately felt out of place as most people just stared at me and no one really smiled. The pool is at the hotel. We ate at the hotel restaurant after. It reminded me of Laura, the missionary that use to live here. She liked to eat at that restaurant. I miss her. My salad had lots of dead ants in it. I picked out a ton before I just gave up and decided I wasn’t very hungry. Tip asked what I was doing and I showed her the ants. She didn’t seem too affected by it. On the way home Tip asked how much money I make. I wish I hadn’t told her. I make more than a dentist makes. Now I feel uncomfortable.
Several times today and quite a few times in the past I have heard scurrying sounds in my walls. The janitor didn’t come to fix the rest of the holes today. I know a mouse or tokay or both are living in the walls. I don’t like this. It’s ridiculously hot in my house so my only option is to sit in my bed with the fan on. The fan only helps slightly. It’s blowing very hot air on me, but I think that’s still better than no air flow. I’m told if I want air conditioning I have to pay half. I have no issue with that, but I wonder how long it will take to get it bought and installed. I was told they have to fix the school cafeteria first. I have no idea what that means. I wish I had just agreed to it two months ago. Maybe it would already be installed. I don’t know what I was thinking, thinking I might be able to handle it with out air conditioning.
I have now shook out my sheets 3 times tonight. I’m in the bug net, but my sheets are covered in bugs. I suppose I’m covered in bugs. I swept the bedroom floor again, but to no avail – the bottoms of my feet are now caked with dead bugs.
The company that is leasing my car is not making the car payments. This is ruining my credit. The guy renting my house says he wants to buy it, but hasn’t made an offer so I need to decide if I’m putting it on the market or not. I feel trapped. If I come back to Colorado at the end of a year, I won’t be able to buy a car and I won’t have a house or I’ll have a house I can’t afford the payments on. I’m having trouble seeing how this is all going to be ok. I’m sure this is part of the lesson of learning to trust life and go with the flow of life, but it’s difficult to trust when all of this is going on.
I’m having a real hard time staying present and non-judgmental. This whole blog feels like a pity party, but that’s part of writing an honest blog. I’ve been thinking a lot today about how much I’ve taken for granted living in America. I know somewhere I’m learning and this is all part of awakening, but I’m not loving what is today. I just feel broken. Broken, sweaty and covered in bugs.
It’s so hot. I looked at the weather forcast and it’s in the high 90s. It’s supposed to get up to 105 three days in a row. I’m going to die. I stayed at Tip’s house last night. I came home around 9:30 am and went into my house to get a few things. Within 10 minutes I was completely soaked. All the rat poison I left out was gone except in my bedroom. However something ripped the window screen off one of my bedroom windows. What on earth is strong enough to do that and where is it now?
I went into school and worked on lesson plans. Pat had said she’d help me with lesson plans, but when I go there, I got “up to you”. I’m beginning to hate that phrase. It basically means there is a right answer, but I’m not going to tell you what it is. I’m almost done with the first month of lesson plans. I should be done tomorrow so that will make me feel better. There is a room at the school that is always open. Pat said if my house gets too hot, I can use that room to hang out in and turn on the fans. It’s not air conditioned, but way cooler than my house. I’ll probably hang out there tomorrow.
The janitor came over and boarded up some of the holes – the ones between my house and Q’s house. He has to finish the others tomorrow. I’m glad he started with those as I noticed Q’s windows were open and he has no screens – this might be one of of the ways the critters get in. I assume he’s home and opened them or someone is airing out his place before he gets home. But now I don’t know which side of the wall the critters ended up on. Are they stuck in my house or his? I sprayed bug spray into all the dark places and put out more rat poison just for good measure. I have seen two tokays tonight on the outside of my screens, but I’m still not happy because I’m thinking they might be big enough to have broken the screen upstairs and they might do it again. One is staring into my bedroom as I write this.
It rained. I went outside and just stood in it. One of the other teachers and I were talking and she kept trying to get me to stand under cover, but I wouldn’t. The rain isn’t hot. Then I sat on the front “porch” and listened. So many things started making noise after the rain stopped. It was almost deafening. There is a lot going on in the woods. It’s great when it’s going on “over there” and not in my house. I took video of it so you could here all the noises, but I don’t think it picked up the noises so now you just get a video of what it looks like from my front porch.
It’s been like a ghost town around here. I haven’t seen another teacher or student in the housing area and no cars or motorbikes parked out front. The teacher I mentioned above was the first. She just got back today. I heard some other people talking a little later in the evening. I bet more will arrive tomorrow too. I imagine they are going through what I just went through, cleaning out the disaster that moved into their houses. The only difference is they are probably use to it and it doesn’t make them want to run away.
I was going to go to the pool with Tip, but she had to cancel. I came home and washed all the dishes instead. I also made dinner. It was no where near as fun as the pool, but I felt a lot better after knowing the dishes were clean. I think just getting back into a routine will help with the culture shock a lot. I feel quite a bit better after doing the dishes.
Now I’m sitting inside the semi safety of my bug net. I’m marveling at the amount of bugs that are not kept out by the bug net. I’m thinking it’s time to turn off the light and attempt sleeping. I think I’m going to go turn the light on in the other bedroom so maybe the tokays will hang out on those window screens instead of my bedroom. Seems logical.
It was nice to sleep in a cool, clean room last night instead of my dirty house. But I didn’t sleep well because I just kept thinking of how much work I have tomorrow trying to clean and block things up.
Tip told me she had someone to help clean my house today and told me how much they wanted to get paid – deal! The school janitor came over today to look at blocking up some of the holes in the house. He said he could do it tomorrow. Yay! I did laundry and hung out at Tip’s house the rest of the day. Yet, I still don’t feel better.
A conversation with Tip confused me. She was asking if I knew anyone else that could help clean the house or if I could ask Pat to find someone to help. So, were the people she though would help now not able to? The rest of the conversation confused me and got way lost in translation. Of course, I can’t speak Thai so I’m no help. By the end of the conversation I was pretty sure someone is showing up at 4:00pm, but who knows? After this I just wanted to get on an airplane and cry the whole way back to the US. But there are no taxis here and no airport so I’m stuck. I wonder why this I feel so bad. I know that even though I have no idea what’s going on, someone will clean my house today. It’s like riding the bus with vague directions. It doesn’t seem like it will work, but it works. So, I question why I feel like fleeing. Then it hits me, I’m going through culture shock again. I’ve been gone for 2 months and I wasn’t here long enough before for this to feel like home. I feel like a burden. I feel stupid for not being able to speak Thai. I don’t like a living quality below what I had in the US. It’s so hot I can barely move. All of this is being blown out of proportion into despair because of culture shock – too many things at once.
I went to the market at 3:00. I love the market. It scares me because I get so many strange looks and I have no idea what most people are saying to me. I just smile. It scares me because of all the strange food – not just the scary food like frogs in a bucket, but I have no idea if I will like that veggie or fruit or how to cook it. I can ask how much and understand the answer, but that’s about it. I love the feel of the market and knowing the person I’m paying is probably the person that grew the food. I felt a little better after the market.
After the market, two ladies showed up at Tip’s house and followed me to mine to clean it! See, why didn’t I trust. At some point I pulled a black trash bag out from under the stairs. It has been there since I moved in. It moved. I screamed. One of the ladies grabbed it, took it outside and beat it with a broom handle until it stopped moving. I didn’t look in the bag, but she confirmed it was a tokay. So now my house is clean and the tokay is gone. I did some more laundry and ate some celebratory ice cream.
As I’m sitting outside the 7-11 eating my ice cream a couple ladies walk by. One asks me something and I look sadly at her since I have no idea what she asked. She then asks me in English where I am from. I tell her America. She asks how long I am here. I explain I am teaching and will be here until September. She asks if I am teaching at Sam Ngao Witt, which I am. Then she asks me if I will come visit her at her house some time. She points down the road and tells me it’s way down the road. It’s the orange house. I told her I would. She makes me promise. I don’t even know her name, but I’ve been invited to her house.
I’m so hot that I don’t know if taking a shower will do any good. My plan is to take a shower, crawl into bed with the fan on and don’t move. I can work on my computer and try to sleep. I get a text from Tip telling me it’s hot and I should stay at her place again. I feel bad having them take care of me. I feel grateful at the same time. As I’m coming downstairs to shower, I see a huge tokay. I’m not sure if I can even get down the stairs. He’s not blocking the stairs – he’s on the window screen. I’m sure he won’t jump out and attack me, but still……I take a couple pictures, of course. I manage to get down the stairs. I want to open the window screen and shue him out, but I just can’t get that close. I abandon the plan and go to Tip’s house. I am done. I don’t know if I can do this for 5 months – no ac and a never ending supply of large lizzards.
I showed the pictures to Ging and Tip and asked if this is normal to have these in your house. They said yes. Ging sees them in her house all the time. “If you chase one out, another comes in”. So, now I want to run away and cry again.
It did motivate me to apply for Antarctica jobs again. I should have been working on lesson plans, but I suck at making lesson plans so I searched the Antarctica jobs instead. They get posted in March so I’m a bit late to the game. Right now cold and very few (no?) bugs or tokays sounds amazing!
Today I still felt sick. I tried to pack for the two months off. Noi came and got me for lunch which was nice. It’s too hot to be in my house and too hot to be outside. The restaurant offered no relief – it was hot. After lunch I finished packing and went to the coffee shop. I met with Laura one more time before she takes off on sabbatical. I stayed at the coffee shop until it closed because it’s the only place with air conditioning. After I came home, I tried to do more of my turbotax when I looked up and saw a large head and eyeball looking down at me. That is either the biggest gecko I’ve ever seen or a snake. It’s head was about 2″ long and I couldn’t see a body. I’m not ok with either one hanging out in my kitchen above my head. I called my next door neighbor over since it was sitting on top of the wall between our houses. He couldn’t see it from his side so he came over. “I’ve seen it before, maybe gecko, not dangerous”. That was it. It just stared down at me most of the rest of the night and then disappeared. So, not much useful got done the rest of the night. I didn’t feel like cooking, it’s hot so how do I sleep, and I tried to do stuff on the internet, but was quite preoccupied with the gecko on my wall. So, the question of the day to ponder is why is this ok for other people and no big deal and why do I want it to be different. How can I be one with everything if I can’t be one with this mystery housemate? I think once I’m no longer sick, it will be better.
Today I woke up at some 0 dark 30 to the monks broadcasting the good word of the day or whatever that is that sometimes happens at way too early in the morning. It was still dark out. I feel like death. I’m so sick and it’s hot. I don’t care too much about the gecko anymore. I just am ready to not be sick. I get it, when I get sick, I ate too much sugar and need downtime.
I only had one class to teach today so I mostly sat at school with my computer open looking like I was doing something, but just zoning out. I showed Pat a picture of the head and eyeball on the top of my wall and asked what it was. She said it was a main power switch. Then I said what about the thing sitting on the power switch. She got all grossed out and passed my phone to one of the students. Then within seconds there was thirty 14 year olds squeeling “tokay, tokay” while passing my phone around. So, by unanimous squeeling vote, it’s a tokay, which is a large gecko. Even though she was absolutely horrified by it, she told me that it’s normal and they aren’t dangerous. If they chased it out, another would just come in. So, the tokay stays. He better start eating way more bugs. If he eats the rat, I’ll give him a name.
By the end of the day my head feels like it might explode. I have to do taxes and book hotels for my trip, finish packing and eat the food I have before it goes bad. Instead, I decided to lock myself in the pretend safety of my bug netted bed. The fan is in no way mistakable for cool, but better than no fan. I’m going to watch Game of Thrones because I downloaded it on my computer and then try to sleep. I think that is the perfect plan. Now you all go look up tokay on google and sleep tight!
Rraine Drops 