Tag: Driving Abroad

Taste Test

On By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized1 Comment

Today I had to get up early to go to Tak to turn in my paper work and pay for my work permit.  Noi said she’d pick me up at 7:30. But didn’t come over until 8:00.  Not sure why I got up early.  Still, this woman is awesome so I was glad to have her taking me today.

At some point on the drive to Tak, she asks me what we do with our dead.  Huh? Yea, that’s what she asked.  So we spent quite a bit of time talking about funeral services, cremation and burial.  They spend several days praying with monks, 4 monks in the evening and 5 in the morning.  Then they cremate the body and take the bones back to the temple where they stay for something like 100 days.  Then there is more praying/ceremony with the bones.  Then the bones are thrown in the water (lake or river).  I’m sure I got most of that wrong, but that’s what I got out of the conversation.  I tried to explain to her that the ceremony and whether to bury or cremate in our country would depend on religion and nationality.  Thai’s don’t quite understand how big the US is and how many ethnic backgrounds live there.

We also talked about marriage.  She is teaching her students that in Western countries young single people may have many boyfriends or girlfriends (many relations), but when they get older and choose a husband or wife then they don’t have other relations.  She said it’s not like that in Thailand.  People get married and then have secret relations.  I told her it was the same in America.  She was surprised.  I tried to explain polyamory and then realized that was not a concept I could really explain.  She said the rate of divorce in Thailand is high and the rate of teenage pregnancy is the highest in Asean.  I told her we have the same issues in the US.  She said she won’t share this information with the students.

Getting the paperwork processed for a work permit is confusing and there is no way I could have gotten it done without Noi to ask questions and translate.  First they told me my passport visa was expired.  It’s not and it took quite a while to get them to understand that for my visa the 3 month clock starts each time I leave and come back into the country.  How do I know this, but they don’t?  Then they asked for my work permit.  This is where I would have left crying.  I am here to get my work permit so I don’t have a work permit to show you in order to get my work permit.  Somehow, this issue got resolved.  Then there was a lot of shuffling of papers, getting up to walk across the room to get a rubber stamp, stamping a page, getting up to go across the room to get something else, paper clipping the stack of papers, un clipping the papers, stamping another page with another stamp, white out, binder clip, new folder, paperclip, look over there – a squirrel, shuffle, get up, sit down.  Then I was handed the folder with all the papers and moved up stairs to pay.  After I paid, I had to bring the stack of papers back down.  I have a piece of paper now that says I’ll have a work permit in a week.

If all that wasn’t fascinating enough, watching my automatic reaction to all the stamps on her desk was amazing.  It’s a piece of crap plastic rubber stamp holder.  It has two tiers of rubber stamps and looks like it might tip over at any moment.  I am instantly annoyed by stamp holder and notice everyone has the same one on their desk.  But the fascinating part was how very badly I wanted to pick up each stamp and stamp them onto a piece of paper.  I have no idea what any of them say, but the need to stamp was almost more than I could bear.  I’m not quite sure how I held myself back.

After that we went to early lunch.  I thought of how hobbits have second breakfast, but she hasn’t seen Lord of the Rings so this concept was lost on her.  She asked what I wanted for lunch.  I wasn’t sure and asked what options I had.  Rice or noodles.  I kid you not, those are the only two options.  This is not the first time I have been given those two options.  I think this is how they decide to eat most days – rice or noodles and then some stuff on the side.  I chose noodles.  There were some baskets with stuff wrapped in banana leaves.  She asked if I had tried them, Thai Snack.  Who knows, I have tried lots of things wrapped in banana leaves now.  These are only made in Tak.  Well, then I probably have not tried them.  She bought one of each.  They were some gelatinous goo thing made of coconut.  One had nuts in it, one had corn and I have no idea what the other one had.  I didn’t like the corn one, the one with the nuts was the best.

We went to the market where she bought two bags of mangos.  There were some yellow and a lot of green.  The green ones all had different prices so they were different even though I couldn’t tell them apart.  I asked what the difference was.  She said she’d let me try them when we get back to Sam Ngao.  We found a store that sells the Thai triangle pillows.  I bought one and will use it in my house as a couch.  Very happy about this.

On the way back to school we stopped by Noi’s garden to get more mangos.  Then at my house we cut up three different mangos.  One is yellow and sweet.  One is green and very sour.  The other was green and not sour and not quite sweet.  This third one is the best.  Then she left me with a bag of mangos.

I went to school and sat around looking like I was doing stuff on my computer.  I got to meet Robin.  He’s another Westerner in town.  He’s in his 20s, from England and was working as an engineer at the dam for 5 months.  That job ended so now he’s going to teach math and science at the school for a few months.  After school I went over to Tip’s house.  We went to the market.  Thai’s put everyone on a scooter.  I’ve seen families of 4 on a scooter.  Today was my first experience of being one of three on a scooter where one is a small child.  I don’t like.  After the market I was taken to Ging’s house.  I wanted to go home so at some point I said goodbye to Ging.  I was going to walk three houses away to get my motorbike.  Ging wouldn’t let me and Tip brought my motorbike over.  What is this severe aversion to walking here?  It goes hand in hand with the need everyone has to have me sit.  The number of times I am told “Teacher, Sit” in a day is comical.  Standing doesn’t hurt you.  Walking is good for you.

In February it would get hot in the afternoon and after school, I would ride my motorbike somewhere just to create a breeze and cool down a little.  This strategy no longer works.  It is so hot that riding a motorbike only hurts.  Any exposed skin is hit with a burning hot breeze which feels like your skin is being ripped off.  So far, no actual skin has been damaged.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

Beach

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

We got up this morning and found a place for breakfast.  It wasn’t very good.  Then we hung out at the Best Western pool until it was time to take Carly to the airport.  They had a really nice pool.

I drove the POS for the last time and was so excited to drop it off.  That might have been the highlight of the day.  I said goodbye to Carly and got a taxi to my new hotel near the beach.  I’ve heard that Kuta and Seminyak are both dirty and over touristy and that I wouldn’t enjoy them.  From my one night in Kuta, I didn’t find it to be that bad, but I didn’t find it worth going back to either.  My hotel in Seminyak is great.

It was a 13 minute walk to the beach.  The beach wasn’t crowded at all.  I got there in time for sunset. There was a beach bar that I hung out at for dinner and sunset.  I was hoping to meet some people and have a nice conversation, but that didn’t happen.  But as I sat there, I just felt how alone I was and then for a while, I didn’t even exist.  I could have stayed like that all night, but I had to go to the bathroom and that kinda broke the not existing experience.  Now, note, I said “alone”.  Did you read “lonely”?  Did you put a negative story on the word “alone”?  Did you assume that if I had met people and had a nice conversation that that would have been the “better” outcome?  “Alone” is not the same as “lonely”, not even close.  Now read it again without judgement, good or bad, or should be.  Do you get a different picture?

So, this is the right way to do a beach bar.  Put on some music, have a bunch of bean bags to sit on, put out some pretty lights, serve drinks and food.  This is as simple, brilliant and perfect as it gets.  Naysayers 0, Seminyak 1.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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Very cool shower
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Yes.  Yes it does.

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Tree Top

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Today was another day to drive the POS.  Yay!  I got to drive on the HFS Road again too.  At least it wasn’t raining.  Twice I got stuck behind a slow truck that stopped on a steep hill.  The POS would not go up the hill once stopped.  1st gear was useless.  I had to slide back down the hill both times and start from a less steep place.  Traffic in Bali did not like this plan, but everyone survived.

Since it was a 5 minute detour, I decided to go back to the botanic gardens and do the Tree Top Adventure Park.  They have 7 different ropes type courses.  There are ziplines, hanging bridges, tight ropes, rope nets, tarzan type swinging ropes and a bunch of other challenges in each course.  This is a weird thing to do by yourself.  When you do good on a section of the course, there is no one to cheer you on or say good job.  But, I could go alone or not at all.  Still, it was quite interesting to do an activity that is highly based in “look at me!” by myself.

At some point, I am following a family of 8 and we hear a large rumbling sound like a large truck coming down the road.  There is no large truck.  I ask the guy in front of me what he thinks that is.  As soon as the words left my mouth I knew and he confirmed it was rain.  I saw picnickers off in the distance packing up and running for their cars.  My first thought was “oh no”.  Those of us standing on the platform just stared in disbelief as we watch a giant wall of water come booking it down the street and heading straight for the trees.  For an instant you feel so trapped.  We can’t get down.  We can’t run.  It’s going to rain.  Then it’s a downpour.  We have to keep going on the course and I can’t go fast because of the people in front of me.  The curious thing is this feeling of dread as the rain approached and the desire to hurry up and get out of the rain.  Even if I hurried, I’d still be soaked to the bone.  After about 5 minutes I was completely soaked and the dread had gone away as we all gave in to our fate.  We talked about how we use to run around in the rain on purpose when we were kids.  Why was it so awful now?  Once soaked, it became fun again.  About 20 minutes later I’m off the course.  This is a classic example of not loving what is.  As soon as we saw the rain coming we all complained and dreaded it.  The thought is, it shouldn’t rain when I’m dry.  In the long run it was fun, but only when I was fully soaked and no longer able to hold on to the belief that I should be dry.

The restaurant is packed with people trying to stay out of the rain.  A nice family lets me sit with them as there are no more open tables.  They were delightful and had me laughing all the way through lunch.  After lunch, the rain cleared up.  I decided to do one last course.

There was a big tarzan type rope on the last course that people had to swing from a platform into a rope net and grab the net with both hands.  People were getting crap beat out of them.  There was much screaming.  I decided this did not resemble fun and I would skip that course.  Two stations into the course I did decide to do was a smaller version of this Tarzan rope.  There was a worker at the bottom who tried to talk me through the process.  Then I became possessed by some little girly girl and heard things like “I don’t want to” come out of my mouth.  At first I had to look around to see who said that.  Nope, it was me.  It took me a good 5 minutes to work up the courage to jump.  Who is this little girl that is scared of rain and a tarzan rope.  I was harnessed into the rope so I’m not sure why it was so scary.  It did hurt to slam into the net at the other side.

I arrived in Ubud late in the day, exhausted from the stressful driving.  I went out with a friend that is living in Bali.  We went for dinner and then out to sample the nightlife.  You aren’t missing much if you haven’t seen the Ubud nightlife.

Sorry, no pictures today.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Tree Top

On By rrainefioreIn Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yesterday I hired a driver to take me around and see interesting things.  The hotel/villas I’m staying at helped me set it up.  Most of the drive was on part of the Holy Fucking Shit Road that I drove in on a couple days ago.  It was nice to be a passenger in a proper vehicle and for it to not be raining.  By the light of morning, it’s still a scary road.  This time when we rode on the top of the ancient crater, I could actually see the lakes below.  It was so beautiful.

We went to the botanic gardens.  They have a zip line ropes type course there that I wanted to do, but I only had flip flops on and you have to have closed toed shoes.  The gardens were huge.  It was more like a giant park with some gardens here and there inside.  It was big enough that we drove around and then got out to see certain things instead of walking.  One of my favorites was a fern garden.  Since ferns are thought to have been here since prehistoric times, the building that housed some of the ferns was in the shape of a dinosaur.  The gardens were wonderful.

Then we went to a spice market.  At first, I almost said no to the market, but then decided spices would make a good gift to take back to the other teachers at Sam Ngao so we stopped briefly.  Spices are not cheap.

Next was Pura Ulun Danu Beratan, a temple on a lake.  I have seen pictures of this one and was excited to see it.  If you’ve ever seen a picture of a Bali Temple, it was probably this one.  It’s on their 50,000 rupia bill.  It was crowded with people, of course.  It was beautiful to see, although it was not in the middle of nowhere as pictures I’ve seen made it seem.  It was in the lake, but not far off shore.

Then we made our way back up the HFS Road.  I asked if the driver knew of a good place to eat lunch.  He took me to his friend’s place.  It had an eating area overlooking one of the big mountains and the valley below it.  This might be one of the best restaurant views I’ve ever seen.  Then to top it off, there were hundreds of dragon flies buzzing around and very cool breeze.  I was almost cold by the end of lunch.  Such a great feeling after being hot for so long. I’m posting a short video of the dragonflies.

The last stop of the day was the Munduk Waterfall.  Why do all trails to waterfalls go down first?  You want to hike up first, then your reward is a waterfall to cool off in and an easy hike back down.  It doesn’t work that way.  At least it’s not too hot at this altitude (3000-4000 feet).  On the way up we got to one spot where some bugs were calling out so loudly it sounded like a cross between a squeaky swing set and a 5 alarm nuclear melt down.  I’m posting the video just so you can hear the sound.

Then back to the villas.  I just sat by the pool and read the rest of the day.  I sat and talked to a nice lady that works at the villas for a while.  I’m the only one here tonight.  That’s kind of a weird thought.  It seems so deserted.  The really loud frogs from last night are not even making noise tonight.  But, I can hear the tokay off in the distance and there are lots of other sounds of nature out there.

Two nights ago, I looked at flights back to the US thinking I could spend a week with Mom before I had to go back to school.  Flights were over $3,000.  What is going on?  That is ridiculous.  I may never be able to come back.  I battle back and forth between feeling like I should go back and I’m supposed to be here (Asia).  Going back for a week won’t accomplish much anyway.  It’s a more permanent decision, not a temporary, one week decision.  I felt quite at peace most of the day although I haven’t made the decision yet.

Today I had to take the POS up the HFS Road again, part of the way.  It was better than in the rain, but still quite a challenge.  Twice a car in front of me decided to stop on a steep hill.  Twice I had to back down to a less steep portion because it was just to steep to get up in 1st gear from a dead stop.  There’s no way to pass as the road isn’t even 2 lanes wide – more like 1.5 lanes wide.  It’s like if you paved the road to my house and then hit the edges with a jackhammer, and then threw 70 vehicles, 100 motorbikes and 10 dogs on it.

I went back to the botanic gardens to do the Treetop Adventure Park.  It had 7 different courses involving zip lines, rope nets, wooden bridges, swings, and other difficult things to traverse.  I did 3 of the courses.  During the second one, I was behind a big family who was much slower than me so I had to wait a lot.  Then I heard this loud noise like an airplane was coming down the hill.  It was rain.  We watched in horror as it came down the nearby road and picnickers fled to their cars.  There was nothing we could but watch it approach.  There was no way down from the trees except to finish the course we were on.  It dumped and I couldn’t go any faster than the group in front of me.  By the time we finished I was soaked to the bone.  At that point, I no longer care.  There’s something uncomfortable about watching the rain come and the process of getting soaked when you didn’t want to.  But, once the soaking is complete, it’s no longer uncomfortable. Maybe it takes that long to stop thinking “oh no, not rain” or maybe you can’t get any wetter so you give up caring.  I had lunch and when the rain stopped, I did one more course.  This last course had a part where you clipped into a rope and then swung Tarzan like to a large rope net.  Then you had to climb the rope net.  I turned into a girl and decided I didn’t want to do it, but there was no other way down.  The workers below kept encouraging me.  I kept saying “I don’t want to”.  I don’t know this girl.  Who is she?  Where did she come from?  I finally did it and it was ok.

I’m now in Ubud.  Going to dinner with my friend Gwin tonight.  My half sister, Carly gets here in a couple days.  It will be nice to have company.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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Really?  Graffiti on cactus?

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No bare feet on the cactus.

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Tree Top Adventure
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Tree Top Adventure
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Tree Top Adventure

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One Angry God

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HFS Road
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HFS Road
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HFS Road
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HFS Road

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The villas

HFS

On By rrainefioreIn Uncategorized1 Comment

Sitting at breakfast looking out to the ocean.  It’s not hot – it’s overcast and there’s a nice breeze.  At some point I change my focal point and notice the there are a bunch (100 or more) dragonflies buzzing around a few feet above the black sand.  It looks like a miniature helicopter fly-in.  Fascinating.

So, I remember thinking the other day that I hope I don’t have to drive the POS in the rain.   After breakfast, I packed up and checked out of the wonderful little hotel in Amed and started the journey to the next place.  The plan for today was two waterfalls and an overlook into the crater of an old volcano which is now a lake.  On the way to my next location in the mountains.

First waterfall at Les was easy to find.  The last bit of road had me questioning if I was lost, but I wasn’t.  A guy helped me park and then said I could pay 20,000 to go see the waterfall or 70,000 and he’d go as a guide.  70,000 is around $6 so I took the guide option.  He told me all about all the plants growing that we passed as well as other tidbits of Bali information.  The waterfall was beautiful.  I wish I had brought my bathing suit, but waded in the stream until the mist cooled me off.

Then I started heading up into the mountains and got google maps back on line for the next waterfall.  Google maps lied.  It lies a lot.  It was starting to rain and the road was quite steep and narrow so I decided to not try to turn around and go back for the waterfall.  But 15 minutes past where google maps would have me go there was a sign for the Gitgit waterfall so I didn’t miss it after all.  The entrance fee for this one was way more and I almost turned around.  But, I put on my rain jacket and went anyway.  It was rushing brown water and extremely loud.  It was eerie and dark in the canyon.  I put some of Scott’s ashes in the waterfall.

Now it’s raining harder and google maps decided not to map the next location.  Google maps will still show me where I am, just not where I’m going.  So, that should still work, but it’s annoying.  The road got narrower and steeper and the rain got harder.  I had to drive with the windows open most of the ride to keep the window from fogging.  At least the windshield wipers worked.  I turned on the lights, but have no idea if they were working or not.  In a lot of places it wasn’t wide enough for 2 cars and the oncoming cars would be over the centerline.  Sometimes the road was crumbling away on one side or the other.  Then the POS started singing a horrible screeching song in 1st or 2nd gear, but I refuse to go fast enough downhill to use 3rd.  Every other switchback is some horror or another.  I must have the world record for the most times anyone has said “Holy Fucking Shit” in a two hour period.  In Colorado there is a road between Idaho Springs and Central City called the “Oh My God Road”.  The road from Gitgit to Munduk must be named the “Holy Fucking Shit Road”.  I got to the overlook of the first lake.  There should also be a hot springs nearby, but there is no way I am looking for a hot springs right now.  My fingers are freezing because it’s cool at this altitude and I have had the AC blowing full blast and the windows open to try to keep the windshield from fogging.  A hot springs actually sounds great.  It’s raining so hard, there is no crater lake view to be had.

I finally drive down some side street forever into the middle of nowhere and find the villas I am staying at.  Everything in the area looks run down and deserted.  I hope the villas exist.  It’s far enough away from the village that I won’t be walking into the village later.  I find the place and someone comes out with an umbrella and helps me with my suitcase.  I walk into the reception / open air restaurant area and see that there are a bunch of buildings surrounding terraced rice fields.  What?  My villa is in the middle of a rice field.  It’s beautiful.  They bring me coffee and a snack.  Then they tell me the garden (rice fields) room I booked won’t be available tonight, but they will move me there tomorrow.  The room they give me for tonight overlooks a small waterfall.

The wifi sucks.  The dinner was fabulous.  I signed up for a tour and a class tomorrow.  Right after the sun set the rice fields and area around came alive with sounds I’ve never heard before.  Probably frogs and snakes and bugs.  It’s creepy and wonderful all at the same time.  I came back to my cute little room above the rushing waterfall.  The water is so loud, but I can still hear some of the chattering sounds outside.  My door is slatted so I get to live with the bugs.  I put bug spray on after my shower just to be safe.  Then I heard the very loud unmistakable sound of a tokay.   It sounds like he’s in my room.  My room is slightly less wonderful now.  I guess it’s training for going back to Sam Ngao.  After moving most of the furniture to check behind it and use it to stand on to see up high, I have determined that the tokay is not in the room.  He must be outside by the window or on the thatched roof.  I’m not going outside to confirm that.  I’m just going with that story.

The wifi sucks here so not all my pictures uploaded.  I’ll try in a few days.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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The Plan

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

My experience with making a plan is that 90% of the time nothing goes according to the plan.  Still, we make plans.  Today was no different.  The first beach I chose was supposed to have the blackest sand on this side of Bali according to the guide book.  I got there and it was a construction zone.  Machines were moving large boulders around.  The tide was in so there was no beach.  I could tell that if there had been a beach, it would have had very black sand.  So, back into the POS to find the next beach.  I got to see rice fields on the way to and from the beach so, check! – Picture of rice fields.  Now, one of the side roads I was going to take later to see rice fields didn’t need to happen. The next beach was supposed to have a ton of mica in the sand so it’s extra glittery.  I like glitter.  There was a parking lot and some Bali restaurants and not much else.  Since the tide was still in, the water came up to the wall.  I could tell from the parking lot, that, yes, this would be a glittery beach, but not right now.  I tried to order lunch, but all they had was fish.  How do you have fish, but not shrimp?  Then again, Google Translator could be lying.  It does that often.  I gave up and decided to eat lunch at the next beach.  The next beach was not part of the plan, but I was determined to get a beach.  No, not a beach.  It was a harbor for a very large ferry and more dive operations than I’ve ever seen in one location.  I did find a restaurant for lunch though.  So, that’s the end of the beach portion of the plan and we are 0 for 3.

At many points of the day I am sweating so hard that I think water is pouring out of my face.  I didn’t think a face could sweat that much.  I grew up in Florida, but I don’t remember heat and humidity like this.

I decided to head to the place I’m staying tonight.  The road goes more inland.  There is a water temple on the way which is the next part of the plan.  Google Maps decides to not work so we are going by signs and the map in the guide book.  It shouldn’t be an issue to get to Amed without google maps, but the water temple is probably a loss and hopefully the resort is easy to find when I get to Amed.

I’ve finally figured out what the white stripes on the road mean.  If you see a white stripe on the road, there is a driving lane to the left of the stripe, a driving lane to the right of the stripe and a driving lane straddling the stripe.  At some point the road narrowed and buildings lined both sides of the road so there was no way to pull over, stop and check the map.  The road wound up and down with huge curves.  Often, the buildings would go away on one side of the road revealing stunning views.  I couldn’t take pictures of any of it because there was no where to stop and I need both my hands to drive.  The signs did not lead me astray though.  I only missed one turn – the one to the water temple.

I saw an area with about 20 cars parked so I assumed that might be the temple.  I had to drive quite a distance before I found a place I could turn around.  I wasn’t going to miss everything on the plan though so I went back and it was the parking for the water temple!  Actually, it wasn’t a temple, but a water palace.  Taman Tirta Gangga was built in 1948 and has two swimming ponds, and a bunch of other ponds with fountains and koi in them.  My favorite had stepping stones at water level so it felt like you were walking on water.  They led different paths through the water like a labyrinth.  As I headed back to my car there was a guy with snakes you could pay to pose with for pictures.  He also had a bat and tiny owls.  OWLS.  My distaste of animal tourism out the window.  Hell yea, I’ll pay you to hold a tiny owl and get my picture taken.

After that I headed to Amed by way of sign instead of electronic map.  The road got smaller and smaller until it was slightly larger than one lane.  Yet from the signs advertising guesthouses and scuba diving, I knew I was on the right path.  I almost missed the sign that pointed to the place where I’m staying, but managed to hit the brakes and turn at the last second.  I parked near the entrance and a guy asked if I was Kim.

This is no five star resort, but I’m in love with it.  The dive shop is at the same place as the hotel so I was able to check in and I don’t have far to go tomorrow morning.  There are a row of rooms on either side of a courtyard.  Almost the entire courtyard is taken up by a pool.  There’s a restaurant and a short distance from the restaurant and the pool is a black sand beach. You can see huge mountains when you are in the ocean.  Each room has a covered deck looking out to the ocean and the decks all have bean bag chairs on them.  My room is large, very yellow and has a bed built into the middle of the room.  I can hear the ocean from my room.  I stayed here for dinner because I’ve had enough venturing out for today and because I love this place.  The food was great and I got to catch up on yesterday and today’s blogs.

I checked in with Mom.  My brother is there again.  They were getting ready to go to the funeral of my cousin’s son.  The funeral for my Mom’s husband is Saturday.  I wish I could be there.  I’ve been struggling with feeling like I should go back and feeling very strongly that it isn’t the right decision.  There’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want to go back to Sam Ngao and teach.  That part is telling me to move back to the US.  To stay in Sam Ngao would be the more difficult choice.  I don’t feel that it’s the right time to go back to the US.  I’m stuck again in the place of what “should” I do.  I’m thinking of the future instead of being here.  I’m feeling like I need to have a plan, make a decision, control the situation.  But, I know that this is all part of the learning.  The truth is that I don’t know the right answer, I don’t have to make a decision now and if I control the situation, it will not turn out happy for me.  So, as uncomfortable as it is for me, I wait.  I wait for life to unfold and happen the way it should.

I also had the thought on the dive boat yesterday that I would love to be on a boat and diving every day.  Then I had the thought that I don’t have the money to get my dive master certification and it would be a hard life financially.  I see that I took something wonderful that I was enjoying and in my head made it impossible to have that as my life.  Instead, my life will be teaching in Sam Ngao, moving to Wisconsin which I have no desire to do, or some unknown other thing that is also ok, but I don’t love it.  So, the belief that there’s not enough for me is still in operation at a very subtle level.  I can never really have what I want.  This has been one of my core issues.  I want to love my life.  I want to love my work and have it be enough financially.  I want to put an end to drama and the need for there to always be some hurdle to get over.  And it’s tied to doing and planning.  And it’s tied to what’s going on with Mom.  And it’s tied to the dissolving of the ego.  So for now, I have no plan and I don’t know what I’m going to do in a couple weeks when vacation is over.  I have no idea how I’m going to get that job I love or what that job is.  I’m just watching what comes up and noticing it.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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First Beach
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First Beach

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Second Beach
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Second Beach

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