There is a wall between my road and the road below it that got damaged in the 2013 flood.  The County replaced the wall and then the new wall fell over.  They just started work on the new new wall last week.  It is a bit of a hassle as they are both one lane roads and you have to wait if you want to go out or come home.  But, I don’t have to hike home, so that’s good.  Yesterday as I was driving home, 3 of my neighbors were standing at the wall discussing the progress of construction.  I stopped to talk to them.  They were discussing their outrage that the wall was done and not high enough and our road would be left not wide enough for anything other than a small car.  This means we won’t be able to get deliveries and worse yet, we won’t be able to get propane.  And after the first snow someone is sure to slip and drive off the wall.  As an engineer, I don’t see how they can leave the road the way it is now, so I just shook my head and drove home.  They are doing the doomsday thing and creating drama for no reason except something to do.  Later I think “Well, the County has done some strange things in the past……”.  Damn you doomsdayers, the seed of doubt was planted.  I woke up at 5:00am with the most hopeless mood ever.  The road will be left as is and sooner or later I’ll run out of propane and freeze to death.  I won’t be able to rent or sell my house if it is uninhabitable.  I won’t be able to move my furniture out of the house even if I can trick someone into buying an uninhabitable house.  I will have to stay here because I won’t be able to afford to leave.  Then I will slowly and painfully run out of money and starve to death if I don’t freeze to death first.  Maybe I’ll be the first to slide off the road and die that way instead of starving or freezing to death.  Good Morning.  Well, I might as well get out of bed and get back to not making decisions or doing anything useful.

 

Later in the morning I got ahold of the County Engineer and he confirmed that they were just rumors and the wall would be taller and our road would be back to 12’ wide.  Ok, I guess I’ll chose to live then.  It’s amazing how one potential future (not even a logical one) could create so much stress.  My body was reacting as if it was happening and it wasn’t.   A part of me knew this the whole time, but I still couldn’t stop my body from reacting.  I can’t ‘do’ True Nature.  I can’t ‘do’ trusting life.  I can suck it up, put on a brave face, smile, think positive thoughts and call it accepting life and going with the flow.  But that’s a lie.  That’s what I’ve been doing my whole life.  I’ve been trying to do acceptance and it’s not something you can do.  All this uncertainty in my life right now is so uncomfortable.  I want to do something to be less uncomfortable.  I want to bend life’s plan to be the way I want.  I want to force the decisions to happen faster.  The reality is there is nothing I can do, but sit here and experience the discomfort.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore