Tag: NoMoreFairyTale

Thoughts

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yesterday I got a body scrub.  It’s the first time I’ve felt clean in over a week.  I just am hot and sweaty all the time in Sam Ngao and I don’t feel like I’m really getting clean when I shower only to be sweating 3 minutes later.  Then Wednesday I didn’t have any water at the house so there was no shower to be had.  I had some coffee shop time, some pool and read Game of Thrones time and I did some coloring in my new Under the Sea coloring book.

I tried Tinder again.  Made some matches and chatted with a few guys.  I was hoping to meet someone to have dinner with, but didn’t.  I posted about it on facebook and got a bunch of replies cheering me on or telling me how to Tinder better.  At some point it just seems like a lot of work and by the time I was hungry I was glad to go eat alone.  I need to move somewhere cooler.  I think the heat takes all my energy and motivation.  Of course, I’m also questioning all my thoughts and beliefs about ‘alone’ too since that has historically been my biggest issue.  In the past I would swing between craving a relationship and not wanting to be around any people.  Now it no longer feels like a swing with big highs or lows on either side.  It feels more like an electrical short.  One minute I want company and conversation, the next I want to sit alone, then another minute I’m completely indifferent.  It switches so quickly that it feels silly to make any plans because it’s going to change.  It switches quickly, but none of it has much emotional charge to it.  There’s no craving, no sadness, no longing, just a quickly changing preference.  Now if only that would happen with my opinion of the heat…..

Today has been uneventful – breakfast and more coloring.  I ventured out to explore more of Chaing Mai and then went and hid from the heat in a coffee shop.  Think I’ll try to explore more after I write this blog.  Or give up and go back to the pool.

So, those of you following how I find AH Almaas relevant to my journey, the rest of this is for you.  I know that I’m not seeing life correctly.  With this knowledge, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do.  There is no real basis for waking up with the dreads, not liking teaching, hating the heat or thinking I should be planning what is next.  The chapter I’m reading is talking about how the world we live in is all concepts in our mind.  “Even if our mental world is lonely, and we gain little pleasure from our experiences, our thoughts are familiar and give us an illusion of security and control that binds us to them. We may see no alternative to this way of understanding ourselves and our world.  Because we believe it’s reality.  How can we think of an alternative?  Even if we think of and long for freedom, we think of freedom within that world”.  He suggested a meditation where you observe your thoughts.  Not the content of the thoughts, don’t try to figure out what they mean, but just notice the thinking process.  When does the thought arise, when does it stop, how long is the gap before the next thought arises?  It doesn’t matter what the thought is about or how it makes you feel, just look at the strings of thoughts and gaps.  No need to do something or react to the thought, see it as thinking itself.  I’ve tried this a few times.  It’s interesting.  That’s all I’m going to say about it right now.  Try it and see for yourself.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore20160512_144023_resized

 

Broke Down Bus

On By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Wow, this was a long day.  I went to school in the morning to not teach.  It’s the first day of class for all the students.  The M1 and M4 students started Monday.  M2, M3, M5 and M6 started today.  Robin had to do his speech before the whole school at the morning assembly.  It reminded me of my first day which seems soooooo long ago, but really wasn’t.  Most of the day the younger students spent cleaning classrooms.  Since the school is open air with wood shutters to keep the jungle out, every room is a disaster.  They installed new glass doors on the classrooms in my building.  I’m not sure what purpose that serves since there still is no AC and the windows are still open.  The older students are in some school “camp”.  All I know is that a bunch of university students are here to help with the camp.  They spent most of the day in the all purpose room doing cheers – kind of like a pep rally.  I like listening to it, but I don’t get it.

During a conversation with Pat I told her about what a Rain Dance was and how we would joke that someone needs to do a rain dance when we need rain.  She told me they had something similar.  They put a cat in a cage, just one female cat.  Then do a parade with the cat.  They throw water at the cat to make it cry.  The cries of the cat will bring rain.  True Story!  http://www.thaiwaysmagazine.com/thai_article/2404_thai_tradition_festivals/thai_tradition_festivals.html

After lunch, Ging and her husband took me to the highway to catch the bus to Chaing Mai.  The lady selling tickets on the side of the highway was there, but she upgraded to a bigger table.  She wasn’t as friendly as before.  She asked if I wanted the 150 or 200 baht bus.  The 200 one is VIP.  I don’t know what that means, but since it’s only $1.50 more I decided VIP.  I should have done the cheaper one.  VIP did not mean working air conditioning or anything that resembled VIP.  I’ve heard that buses breaking down is a common thing that everyone will experience at some point.  Check.  Now I have that experience to check off.  The bus broke down about an hour into the trip.  So, we all stood on the side of the highway while the driver tried to fix the bus.  It smelled so bad of burnt rubber that it seems to me it is beyond repair.  Waiting didn’t bother me too much.  It was real hot and standing on the side of a highway is never fun, but I think it’s just looking at all the trash thrown everywhere that bothers me.  After a while, the bus attendant (every bus seems to have an attendant that checks tickets and lets you know when you get to your stop, etc) made an announcement I assumed was that another bus was coming.  She handed us prepackaged wet naps.  A warm wet nap didn’t do much to cool me off, but I gave it a try anyway.  Then I watched as most of the people threw the packaging on the ground.  Eventually another bus came and picked us up.  I wondered if this was the 150 baht bus.  The air con worked and a nice lady made her son get up to give me his seat so I didn’t have to stand.

After I checked into my hotel, I found a burger and a massage.  Exhausted.  I have to get up kind of early to go to the US Consulate to get a Power of Attorney notarized.  I’m looking forward to seeing what the US Consulate is like.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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How do they know which are theirs?
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Bus Ticket on the Side of the Highway Lady got a bigger table
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Broken Bus

Daylight

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, Uncategorized3 Comments

Daylight helps so much.  Nothing looks quite as dire during the day.  I woke up not happy, but not completely covered in bugs so that’s a plus.  I hardly slept at all last night.  It was so hot that I just laid in bed sweating trying to lay as close to the edge as I could so I got full effect of the fan.  I’m still amazed how much my face can sweat.  I noticed that I’m just holding all the stress of it all kind of like holding my breath, waiting until September.  I can’t hold my breath until September.  I can’t live like this that long.  I still don’t know how to let the holding go.  I tried to cry or get angry, but it’s not an emotional thing.  I’ve done that work for years.  Cognitively I understand that it’s an issue of seeing.  None of this looks the way I wanted it to.  The fairy tale I was fed as a child isn’t true.  No knight in shining armor is coming to save me.  I wanted a more comfortable life than this.  I wanted to live in a different culture, but in a city with expats I could be friends with and the ability to get around easier.  And then I wanted the next step in my process to present itself easily.  And some how money would appear and I’d live happily ever after.  It doesn’t look like that.  I need to see differently.  Last night as I typed that I was feeling broken, I thought maybe I need to be broken.  Maybe it’s like losing all that muscle I lost a few months ago, where I felt that I had to lose it all to start over.  Maybe I have to be broken, have everything I want not possible so I can let go of how it “should be” and really see.  Maybe it’s already happening.

The janitor came over and finished covering holes in my house.  There are so many he didn’t do because it would take a month full time to cover every hole, but I think we got the ones that mice and tokays could get through.  Speaking of mice, I found the one living in my bathroom.  We both chased him around for 5 minutes and then he disappeared.  Like magic.  I have no idea where he went.  So mind boggling.  There must be a secret trap door that only mice and frogs know about.

Now I’m sitting in the coffee shop  in air conditioning and wondering how they can actually get that much sugar to dissolve in a latte.  On my way here, I ran into one of the teachers, Pit.  I don’t know Pit’s actual title, but he’s kind of like an assistant principle.  He and one of the other teachers looked so happy to see me.  They both mentioned the air conditioning.  So, I will have air con in the future.  As usual, I’m not clear on the full content of the conversation, but I think the air con unit will be here on the 15th.

So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to try putting tags in my blog so that they are searchable by others.  Or at least, that’s what I think it will do.  I’m not sure because the whole thing about hashtags has me mystified.  I understand it makes things searchable, but I have no idea who is searching for some of the things I’ve seen hashtagged.  I have no idea how someone goes about searching.  And above all I have no idea why.  So, if you get a bunch of emails in the near future saying I updated a blog, sorry.  I don’t know if WordPress sends an email every time I make and update or only when I post a new blog. Also, if you have any good ideas of hashtags I should use, let me know.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

More Beach

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

After breakfast and some pool time, my friend arrived at the hotel.  We changed rooms in the hotel.  We went to Seminyak beach which is a busier beach than the one the hotel is near.  It still wasn’t the crowded mess I had heard of.  The streets in Seminyak were crowded with traffic and lined with stores, but it had a nice feel to it, I thought.  We went in search of a place that would do henna tattoos, but failed on that hunt.  Better hunting tomorrow.  They do the bean bag beach bars here too, but there’s a lot more of them.  I got some pictures of them after they had set up for the sunset crowd.  I didn’t get any pictures of them at sunset, but it was nice to just sit in bean bags and watch the waves come in.  We also bought a couple of movies to take back to the hotel.  I was surprised that Allegiant was already out.  But when we went to buy it, they said it might not be good quality.  Aha, it’s an illegal copy.  We got it anyway.  It was ok quality.

I’m feeling a combination of opposites.  I’m tired of people.  I’m tired of being alone.  I don’t want to go back to work, but I’m missing the lack of routine.  I’m tired of doing.  I’m tired of sitting still.   I feel out of place.  I don’t like heat.  I don’t like heat – oh wait, no opposite there.  I feel like I should decide what I’m going to do with my life after teaching.  But why do I have to decide that now?  How is making a decision now living in the flow of life?  I’m trying to live now and the future keeps hopping into my thoughts.  When it does, it brings anxiety and “should” and exhaustion.  Overall, I spend an enormous amount more of my time living now, but the future still has a bit of a hold on me.  And, now that I am so much more aware, I can feel what living for the future does to a body so much stronger.  So, I just watch it when it happens and note how it makes me feel and question who is watching.  I think this is all part of a bigger shift trying to happen.

I found it easier when I was watching the sunset yesterday to just melt into oneness and now than I did tonight.  I think it’s harder for me when I’m with other people.  I still have thoughts that tell me I have to be a certain way, have conversations, do things, be witty, be nice, behave like all the other people, etc.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore20160420_153825

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The Plan

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

My experience with making a plan is that 90% of the time nothing goes according to the plan.  Still, we make plans.  Today was no different.  The first beach I chose was supposed to have the blackest sand on this side of Bali according to the guide book.  I got there and it was a construction zone.  Machines were moving large boulders around.  The tide was in so there was no beach.  I could tell that if there had been a beach, it would have had very black sand.  So, back into the POS to find the next beach.  I got to see rice fields on the way to and from the beach so, check! – Picture of rice fields.  Now, one of the side roads I was going to take later to see rice fields didn’t need to happen. The next beach was supposed to have a ton of mica in the sand so it’s extra glittery.  I like glitter.  There was a parking lot and some Bali restaurants and not much else.  Since the tide was still in, the water came up to the wall.  I could tell from the parking lot, that, yes, this would be a glittery beach, but not right now.  I tried to order lunch, but all they had was fish.  How do you have fish, but not shrimp?  Then again, Google Translator could be lying.  It does that often.  I gave up and decided to eat lunch at the next beach.  The next beach was not part of the plan, but I was determined to get a beach.  No, not a beach.  It was a harbor for a very large ferry and more dive operations than I’ve ever seen in one location.  I did find a restaurant for lunch though.  So, that’s the end of the beach portion of the plan and we are 0 for 3.

At many points of the day I am sweating so hard that I think water is pouring out of my face.  I didn’t think a face could sweat that much.  I grew up in Florida, but I don’t remember heat and humidity like this.

I decided to head to the place I’m staying tonight.  The road goes more inland.  There is a water temple on the way which is the next part of the plan.  Google Maps decides to not work so we are going by signs and the map in the guide book.  It shouldn’t be an issue to get to Amed without google maps, but the water temple is probably a loss and hopefully the resort is easy to find when I get to Amed.

I’ve finally figured out what the white stripes on the road mean.  If you see a white stripe on the road, there is a driving lane to the left of the stripe, a driving lane to the right of the stripe and a driving lane straddling the stripe.  At some point the road narrowed and buildings lined both sides of the road so there was no way to pull over, stop and check the map.  The road wound up and down with huge curves.  Often, the buildings would go away on one side of the road revealing stunning views.  I couldn’t take pictures of any of it because there was no where to stop and I need both my hands to drive.  The signs did not lead me astray though.  I only missed one turn – the one to the water temple.

I saw an area with about 20 cars parked so I assumed that might be the temple.  I had to drive quite a distance before I found a place I could turn around.  I wasn’t going to miss everything on the plan though so I went back and it was the parking for the water temple!  Actually, it wasn’t a temple, but a water palace.  Taman Tirta Gangga was built in 1948 and has two swimming ponds, and a bunch of other ponds with fountains and koi in them.  My favorite had stepping stones at water level so it felt like you were walking on water.  They led different paths through the water like a labyrinth.  As I headed back to my car there was a guy with snakes you could pay to pose with for pictures.  He also had a bat and tiny owls.  OWLS.  My distaste of animal tourism out the window.  Hell yea, I’ll pay you to hold a tiny owl and get my picture taken.

After that I headed to Amed by way of sign instead of electronic map.  The road got smaller and smaller until it was slightly larger than one lane.  Yet from the signs advertising guesthouses and scuba diving, I knew I was on the right path.  I almost missed the sign that pointed to the place where I’m staying, but managed to hit the brakes and turn at the last second.  I parked near the entrance and a guy asked if I was Kim.

This is no five star resort, but I’m in love with it.  The dive shop is at the same place as the hotel so I was able to check in and I don’t have far to go tomorrow morning.  There are a row of rooms on either side of a courtyard.  Almost the entire courtyard is taken up by a pool.  There’s a restaurant and a short distance from the restaurant and the pool is a black sand beach. You can see huge mountains when you are in the ocean.  Each room has a covered deck looking out to the ocean and the decks all have bean bag chairs on them.  My room is large, very yellow and has a bed built into the middle of the room.  I can hear the ocean from my room.  I stayed here for dinner because I’ve had enough venturing out for today and because I love this place.  The food was great and I got to catch up on yesterday and today’s blogs.

I checked in with Mom.  My brother is there again.  They were getting ready to go to the funeral of my cousin’s son.  The funeral for my Mom’s husband is Saturday.  I wish I could be there.  I’ve been struggling with feeling like I should go back and feeling very strongly that it isn’t the right decision.  There’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want to go back to Sam Ngao and teach.  That part is telling me to move back to the US.  To stay in Sam Ngao would be the more difficult choice.  I don’t feel that it’s the right time to go back to the US.  I’m stuck again in the place of what “should” I do.  I’m thinking of the future instead of being here.  I’m feeling like I need to have a plan, make a decision, control the situation.  But, I know that this is all part of the learning.  The truth is that I don’t know the right answer, I don’t have to make a decision now and if I control the situation, it will not turn out happy for me.  So, as uncomfortable as it is for me, I wait.  I wait for life to unfold and happen the way it should.

I also had the thought on the dive boat yesterday that I would love to be on a boat and diving every day.  Then I had the thought that I don’t have the money to get my dive master certification and it would be a hard life financially.  I see that I took something wonderful that I was enjoying and in my head made it impossible to have that as my life.  Instead, my life will be teaching in Sam Ngao, moving to Wisconsin which I have no desire to do, or some unknown other thing that is also ok, but I don’t love it.  So, the belief that there’s not enough for me is still in operation at a very subtle level.  I can never really have what I want.  This has been one of my core issues.  I want to love my life.  I want to love my work and have it be enough financially.  I want to put an end to drama and the need for there to always be some hurdle to get over.  And it’s tied to doing and planning.  And it’s tied to what’s going on with Mom.  And it’s tied to the dissolving of the ego.  So for now, I have no plan and I don’t know what I’m going to do in a couple weeks when vacation is over.  I have no idea how I’m going to get that job I love or what that job is.  I’m just watching what comes up and noticing it.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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First Beach
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First Beach

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Second Beach
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Second Beach

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Whoo Whoo Awakening Stuff

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So, as I mentioned in the previous blog, I spent the whole day wandering around Hanoi sick trying to resolve the computer problems.  At some point I no longer cared that I had to walk in traffic just to get around.  I remember thinking that it didn’t matter if I got hit by a bus.  If I die, then I won’t have to deal with feeling so sick anymore.  Maybe that would be ok.  Don’t freak out, that’s just how you feel when you are sick and exhausted.  It did make it easier to get around and life seemed to go around me with no problem.

I know it’s more than just being sick, tired and dirty.  Something big is happening.  By the time I got back to the hotel I decided I was done with life.  I know this isn’t a truth the way you see it, but a process that needs to be kicked, cried and worked out physically.  I tried to sleep, but processed a lot about how exhausted I am in life.  I’m tired of fighting life.  Then fear of death came up.  It was a back and forth of just wanting to die and fear.  It felt very obvious that my identification of who I am no longer works.  It has been disintegrating for months now.  It’s not that I want to die, but that life as that identification is no longer worth fighting for, it’s too painful and too exhausting.  But I don’t know how to let go and fear or “I don’t want to” comes up.  I felt so sick that I wasn’t really sure if I was dying.  So, I cried and prayed for death.  Either way felt fine – death of the ego or the body, it didn’t matter as long as someone would die.  I know it’s not something I can “do”, but  I don’t know how to not “do”.  I had huge dread.  I felt like I hated Hanoi and Vietnam and I couldn’t possibly finish my vacation here.  I felt like there is no way I can go back to work as a teacher in May.  I won’t survive it.  I want to go home, but I have no home to go to.  I could go somewhere else, but where and how?  Why am I here?  This isn’t what I want.  But what I want doesn’t exist.  Then I thought of my mom in Wisconsin who is 86 and trying to take care of a sick husband.  Should I be in Wisconsin?  I’m still not clear if this part of the process was some sort of direction that I should be moving to Wisconsin or if it’s a trick of the ego to try to hold onto “the mom” or am I processing some of what she is experiencing right now?   That night nothing resolved and I finally fell asleep.  Even though it sounds dire, I get it that it that this is all process and is part of that false identification trying to disintegrate.  I don’t take it literally, and I’m just explaining how it feels so if anyone else ever experiences this or something similar, maybe you can have room for the thought that it is just an experience, not a reality.  It feels like the letting go of identification with story and body is at a point of critical mass where I can’t stop it if I tried.  It’s going to happen even if it makes me sick to get me to slow down. This is what I came here for.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

20151028_101358_resized_1I had a great visit with Zachery.  I didn’t feel sad about leaving until just before I left.  It’s so nice to be with someone that treats me like he wants to be with me.  He’s respectful and thoughtful.  I feel beautiful when I’m with him.  It seems like such a simple thing that you’d think would not be difficult to find, but it’s been so long since someone has treated me like I’m important and desirable.  My life is on a different path than his and I didn’t feel the urgent pull for wanting things to be different.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn ThailandLeave a comment

Tonight I wondered if I had the right clothes for teaching in Thailand.  I know it is more conservative than here, but what does that look like?  So did a little research on the internet.  I can’t wear pants.  Skirts have to be at least to the knee.  I have to have my shoulders and chest covered.  No sandals.  If the local teachers dress less conservative that doesn’t mean I can.  Foreigners are held to a different standard.  If I don’t dress appropriately, they won’t tell me even if I ask.  They are too polite.  They just won’t renew my contract.  If I live and work in a small town, I will be expected to dress like this all the time except at the beach.  No sandals?  I love sandals.  I’m going to die of heat stroke.  I don’t know if I have enough clothes to match these requirements.  Commence melt down.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore