Tag: NoMoreFairyTale

Two

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I went on facebook this morning and saw pictures of a bunch of my friends at dinner the night before for a friend’s birthday.  Why wasn’t I invited?  I feel like all the people I invite to do things with me don’t think to invite me.  Am I the friend no one really likes, but no one wants to tell?  Why do I go through so much effort to include people or spend time with people who are not willing to do the same for me?  Am I choosing friends unwisely?  Why does everyone else seem to have a close group of friends and I’m always sort of a friend?  I feel if I stopped reaching out, I’d only have 3 or 4 friends.  Is there something inherently wrong with me?  Am I not lovable?  Am I just preparing to leave the country and life is just making it easier to go?  I think this a common human issue and a lot of us feel like this not knowing it just isn’t true.  Not realizing a lot of other people feel this way too.  Or knowing it’s a lie, but not knowing how to stop the reaction from happening.

I had a session with my coach today and a lot of this came up in the session.  Summary of the process:  I feel like a small child in a dark room crying out for help and no one is coming.  This comes up a lot for me in process.  I felt the infant cry so hard until the nervous system had to shut down to keep the baby from dying.  Something is wrong and I cry out, but no one is coming and I can’t fix it.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I can’t do it and no one else will.  As an infant the only thing I could do was shut down and energetically leave my body because I couldn’t fix what was wrong.  I can’t move forward.  I can’t move because if I do, no one will follow.  If I move forward, I will have to do it alone.  I will be alone in the world.  I feel like the sales brochure for life was wrong.  I paid for, signed up for two.  I was promised two.  There is no two, it’s just me.  No mommy is coming to help me.  No mate is coming to share his life with me.  There is no knight is shining armour (stupid stupid fairy tales).  There is no two.  There never was.  I feel lied to.  This is not what I came here for.   Near the end of the process I felt like my arms and legs were disintegrating, slowing evaporating up off the table.  This was fascinating.  I was becoming not solid.  I was disintegrating into everything around me – ONE.  There was a small part of me that wasn’t happy about this experience.  If I disintegrate, I will be nothing.  I don’t want to be nothing.  If I’m not part of two, am I nothing?

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

Still really enjoying reading Diamond Heart Book 4.  Whenever I read anything from AH Almaas, it feels like he wrote the exact thing I needed to read that very day.  This is what stuck with me today:  “White blood cells defend and protect and then they are cleaned out of the body.  The personality defends and protects.  It needs to be clarified”.    I’ve been sick a lot this year.  Does the body go through a similar cleaning process as the personality is being clarified?

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Salida Art Show 2nd Day

On By rrainefioreIn ArtLeave a comment

More pottery not selling today.  By the end of the weekend I had broken even – sold enough to cover the hotel and booth fee.  This weekend did not follow my ego plan.  The question of what is the point of this weekend was not answered.  I just left feeling tired and frustrated.  Maybe there isn’t a point to everything.  Maybe things are just random sometimes.  I’m trying to find a point or a silver lining to offset that the weekend didn’t go the way I wanted it to.  I’m trying to turn “bad” into “good” by looking for some higher purpose.  I can only accept that my plan failed if something good comes out of it.  The reality is that bad and good are my interpretation of the situation.  They aren’t real.  The reality is I went to an art show, sold a few things and then came home.  The frustration, the thought that it should be different, the negative feelings, the search for the positive is all an ego game.  What a dumb game – I lose every time.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Feminine

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I’ve spent most of my life living at the male end of the energy spectrum.  I’ve always had more male friends than female.  I’m focused, purpose driven and like to get things done.  I was always good at math and science in school and little patience for girly things.  I was a tom boy who preferred to be climbing trees than playing with dolls.  I went to college to be and engineer and have worked in that field for over 20 years.  I’ve been single for most of my adult life.  I had one boyfriend for 3 years, one for 1 year and I was with my Scott for a total of 5 years (2 married).  All my other relationships have been quite short.   I’ve now been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want.  I have been struggling over the years with issues I have with alone and loneliness.  I’ve been struggling with not knowing what I want.  I’ve been craving a romantic relationship, but just not finding what I want.  At a young age, I rejected the ultra feminine.  I see it as mushy, weak, indecisive, high maintenance, dumb, and not powerful.  At some level, I’m rejecting myself, I’m rejecting my creativity and passion.  On an energetic level, I am only finding men that will reject me.  Over and over again, I find someone that is interested in me only to have them leave me for someone else.   This issue of my lost femininity has come up a lot and recently it has become clear to me that it might be core of a lot of my issues.  I have been actively work on this for about a year now. For a while I tried to just be present when I was out and see if I was energetically more on the male or female side of the spectrum.  I would try to be more feminine.  All I found from this experiment was that I couldn’t change at will.  I can’t “do” feminine.

This adventure to live in another country is an exercise of throwing myself into the feminine and seeing what it’s like.  I don’t know where I’m going, or how, and I don’t fully know why.  I’m trying to trust that the flow of life will determine what is next.  I’m throwing away the need for a plan, the need to control the situation.  It’s been very uncomfortable.  For quite a while I had no idea what part of the world I would be going to.  I had no idea how I would get there, what I would do to make money.  At first I thought I should know and have a plan.  When people would ask me, I’d say I didn’t know and then try to say something to justify why I didn’t know yet.  I could see the disapproval or terror in most people’s eyes.  I felt flighty and irresponsible for not knowing what I was doing.  I felt like I appeared that I wasn’t taking it seriously enough.  After a while I just got tired of explaining and I just felt frustrated because I didn’t have what I thought was a good enough reason for being wishy washy.  At that point, when people would ask me when and where I was moving, I’d just say soon and somewhere or I don’t know.  I would still see the judgement and terror in their eyes, but the most amazing thing happened when I would just leave the answer at that and not try to explain or justify.  The judgement on their faces would disappear and was replaced with excitement or awe or respect.  This happened only every time.  Most people would say something like “that is so brave” or “I wish I could do that” or some other powerful statement.  Wait, this not knowing, not having a plan, feminine flighty thing I’m doing is actually not weak or indecisive, but actually brave and powerful.  (I still find it extremely uncomfortable).

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore