I really started missing Zachery today. It felt like the day after Christmas. The fact that I probably won’t see him for years and that any romantic relationship between us is probably over feels very heavy. Today, I am definitely not ‘loving what is’.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
I had a great visit with Zachery. I didn’t feel sad about leaving until just before I left. It’s so nice to be with someone that treats me like he wants to be with me. He’s respectful and thoughtful. I feel beautiful when I’m with him. It seems like such a simple thing that you’d think would not be difficult to find, but it’s been so long since someone has treated me like I’m important and desirable. My life is on a different path than his and I didn’t feel the urgent pull for wanting things to be different.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
I’m on a plane to go visit Zachery. On the way to the airport Wendy asked if I was nervous about seeing him. I’m not. I do feel uncertainty though. I’ve been trying to keep in touch with him since Burning Man, but I feel he’s not as invested as I am. I am wondering if I should have just skipped the plane ticket and time off work. I still want to see him in his natural habitat and spend some more time with him. I am hoping to get a better idea if I am spending my time wisely trying to learn more about him or if I should set my attention elsewhere. No matter what I find out, I know that it will be nice to relax and spend time with him. He is a huge part of why I feel loveable and if that is all this is, then that is still huge. I once again believe there are men that are kind, thoughtful, fun and loving. And I once again believe that one of them will want to be with me.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
I got to see Zachery again for a night before he left Colorado. It was so difficult to say goodbye on playa and now I have to say goodbye again. It’s just as difficult this time. I have a hope that this isn’t just a random week, but that there is something deeper happening here. It feels like this is significant, but I actually can’t tell if it is or if I just want it to be. I fall in love so easily. Is this just attachment behavior? What is left when that runs it’s course? Understanding Attachment Theory doesn’t make this less painful. Ugh.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
So, I won’t write about all my Burning Man stories. But here are two highlights that are worth mentioning.
I did a full day shift unlocking cars with one of my favorite people, Katie. That was the longest volunteer shift I’ve ever done and we just had a blast. We rocked it at unlocking cars. No locked car left behind. Heroes for a day! That was the best volunteer shift I’ve had on Playa.
That night I was supposed to go out with some friends, but I was very late due to a flat tire on my bike that just didn’t want to be fixed. It took forever and when it finally was fixed, I headed out to see if I could find my friends. One of them had left and the other was still in his camp. I was so frustrated. Nothing is going according to my plan. So, I went out with other friends than the ones I had planned to. One of the guys that went out with us was someone I had just met earlier that day. I had barely paid attention earlier because he’s not the type I usually go for. If it wasn’t for the flat tire, I’d have gone out with other friends earlier in the evening and might not have spent time with Zachery. We ended up spending a lot of time together the rest of the week. He’s considerate, interesting to talk to, and fun. When I was with him, I felt like he was present with me. I felt like he had nowhere else he wanted to be than with me. I felt taken care of, I felt loved and desired. I loved the way he looked at me. I haven’t really felt this in a long time. There was definitely a part of me that was still believing that I’m not lovable, that no matter what I do, there is no one to love me. The only guys I found in the past were ones that didn’t want a serious relationship until the girl after me. Or I was their second choice. Or they told me I was wonderful and they hoped I found someone wonderful to love me (someone else). I wonder if I have finally chosen differently. I had forgotten that I am lovable and desirable and after this week, I could actually feel that I am. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am more in touch with my femininity than I ever have been and I’m actually enjoying the uncertainty of it! I cried a lot of the drive home, both because I was so happy to love myself again and because I was sad to say goodbye to this wonderful man.
I was sick with a sinus infection for most of the week. I didn’t gel with my camp as much as I would have liked. In no way did it turn out to be Easy Man, but, I wouldn’t change a thing.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
Rraine Drops 