Tag: Oneness

Yay! Indifference!

On By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yesterday I decided I had to get at least one lesson plan done and set an unrealistic goal of three.  I had some free time during school and got 4 lesson plans 90% done.  I consider that a win!  Maybe this lesson planning thing is possible after all.  I decided Today would be a day off from lesson planning since I have only one hour of free time during the day.  Tomorrow I set the goal to finish at least two and get at least a start on the rest.  Maybe I could get ahead by this weekend……

Today I had all the M2s and the Thai teacher wasn’t there.  M2 is 13 to 14 year olds.  It was so difficult to keep their attention for more than two seconds.  By the time I was done with three different M2 classes, I was exhausted.  The last class was so bad that when they asked to play a game, I wrote on the board “Class was not good = no game”.  Some got it, the rest didn’t even notice I had written something on the board.  I was exhausted, but I left for lunch with nothing but indifference.  I have experienced this a lot over the years.  It sounds like a negative thing, but it’s not.  I actually enjoy it, if you can say enjoy and indifference in the same sentence.  A lot of times we think of indifference as flippant or as a lack of good feelings.  Actually, it’s a lack of judgement either way.  There is no good or bad.  I didn’t withhold a game because I was upset or frustrated with the kids.  It just seemed like the correct consequence for their actions.  I didn’t much care if we played a game or not, learned English or not, or just stood there doing nothing.  It doesn’t matter, anything is fine.

I went to the canteen for lunch yesterday and today.  It still feels very uncomfortable to me.  Yesterday was quite scary.  I have no idea why it’s scary.  Maybe because I’m not sure if what I decide to eat will try to kill me with spice or not.  Maybe because I know it will be awkward not being able to talk to most of the teachers.  Of course, today was less scary because I was already in the indifference place.

For club today Pat had a game where there were questions in English on pieces of paper and the students had to pick one out of a bag and answer the question.  Then they had to ask each other and answer each other.  The questions were things like “What is your favorite color” or “How old are you”?  I thought they would hate the game.  They didn’t.  Who knew?

When I tried to buy a printer when I first moved here, Pat told me I could print anything I needed at school.  It has turned out to be so difficult.  They don’t seem to understand that I have to print stuff every week for classes.  It is a huge hassle to print stuff.  So, I bought a printer last month anyway.  It’s already out of ink.  My big task of the day was to attempt to find printer cartridges after school.  There is a shop with office supplies so I thought I would start there.  I find this scary, but I can do this.  Tip knew I was going to look for printer ink and she found me on my way there.  She was riding in her little golf cart thing and flagged me down.  She suggested a different store.  They put ink in my non refillable cartridges.  They seem to be working fine even though the printer keeps saying it’s low on ink.

Ton is a guy in my class with the monk.  He is the assistant to the Chinese medicine doctor at the hospital and is friends with Tip.  Last week Tip made the point of telling me that Ton is single and if I needed anything I could ask him.  She also made the point of telling me that Ton is not a man.  I think it’s very common in Thailand and very accepted that some people identify with the sexuality different from what they were born with.  I find it very interesting how not a big deal it is here when it’s such a topic of controversy in America right now.  I don’t see why it’s a big deal.  Unfortunately, I’m not attracted to Ton, male or female.  Tip made the point of telling me again today that Ton is single.

I have had a few conversations lately  about the fact that I’m leaving at the end of the semester to go home.  I never said I was going home, but that’s the word on the street.  I am so touched as they are truly confused as to why I am leaving and sad to hear I’m going.  I’ve been texting with Noi all night about it.  She said she was shocked and sad to hear I was leaving and wanted to know if I was unhappy here.  I feel guilty and then remind myself that it’s not my job to make everyone happy.  I also remind myself that I never planned on staying here forever.  They are a communal culture and we are an independent culture.  Of course, it’s difficult to understand why I would want something else or how I could come in, get to know them and then leave.  They don’t live like that.  I feel loved and cared for.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

20160606_112013

20160606_112024
One of my classrooms
20160607_171739
My favorite coffee shop if it’s not too hot out
20160607_184953
Making salad

Thoughts

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yesterday I got a body scrub.  It’s the first time I’ve felt clean in over a week.  I just am hot and sweaty all the time in Sam Ngao and I don’t feel like I’m really getting clean when I shower only to be sweating 3 minutes later.  Then Wednesday I didn’t have any water at the house so there was no shower to be had.  I had some coffee shop time, some pool and read Game of Thrones time and I did some coloring in my new Under the Sea coloring book.

I tried Tinder again.  Made some matches and chatted with a few guys.  I was hoping to meet someone to have dinner with, but didn’t.  I posted about it on facebook and got a bunch of replies cheering me on or telling me how to Tinder better.  At some point it just seems like a lot of work and by the time I was hungry I was glad to go eat alone.  I need to move somewhere cooler.  I think the heat takes all my energy and motivation.  Of course, I’m also questioning all my thoughts and beliefs about ‘alone’ too since that has historically been my biggest issue.  In the past I would swing between craving a relationship and not wanting to be around any people.  Now it no longer feels like a swing with big highs or lows on either side.  It feels more like an electrical short.  One minute I want company and conversation, the next I want to sit alone, then another minute I’m completely indifferent.  It switches so quickly that it feels silly to make any plans because it’s going to change.  It switches quickly, but none of it has much emotional charge to it.  There’s no craving, no sadness, no longing, just a quickly changing preference.  Now if only that would happen with my opinion of the heat…..

Today has been uneventful – breakfast and more coloring.  I ventured out to explore more of Chaing Mai and then went and hid from the heat in a coffee shop.  Think I’ll try to explore more after I write this blog.  Or give up and go back to the pool.

So, those of you following how I find AH Almaas relevant to my journey, the rest of this is for you.  I know that I’m not seeing life correctly.  With this knowledge, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do.  There is no real basis for waking up with the dreads, not liking teaching, hating the heat or thinking I should be planning what is next.  The chapter I’m reading is talking about how the world we live in is all concepts in our mind.  “Even if our mental world is lonely, and we gain little pleasure from our experiences, our thoughts are familiar and give us an illusion of security and control that binds us to them. We may see no alternative to this way of understanding ourselves and our world.  Because we believe it’s reality.  How can we think of an alternative?  Even if we think of and long for freedom, we think of freedom within that world”.  He suggested a meditation where you observe your thoughts.  Not the content of the thoughts, don’t try to figure out what they mean, but just notice the thinking process.  When does the thought arise, when does it stop, how long is the gap before the next thought arises?  It doesn’t matter what the thought is about or how it makes you feel, just look at the strings of thoughts and gaps.  No need to do something or react to the thought, see it as thinking itself.  I’ve tried this a few times.  It’s interesting.  That’s all I’m going to say about it right now.  Try it and see for yourself.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore20160512_144023_resized

 

Gardens

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I didn’t do much exciting today.  I spent a good part of it at the coffee shop.  I don’t think Thais hang out in coffee shops for hours the way we do so they probably think I’m nuts or wonder when I’m ever going to leave.  So, rather than spend the whole day there I tried to go shopping.

I don’t know why, but going into the stores around town makes me very uncomfortable.  I’m being stared at.  I don’t know what half the stuff I’m looking at is.  And if I have questions, forget it.  I feel uncomfortable at the market, but I like it.  I don’t like stores.  Weird.  So, shopping didn’t take up much time.  Now what do I do?

I chased the mouse around the bathroom quite a bit today.  Then tonight, found him dead.  The bathroom is mine again, well, not really.  There are probably 8 small geckos living in there and some bugs.  Why do jumping spiders live near the toilet?

I tried to find the orange house of the lady who made me promise to come visit her.  I didn’t find it.  There were a few peach colored houses and some cedar colored houses.  Too bad it wasn’t pepto bismol pink because there was only one of those and it was unmistakable or that equally obnoxious green house.

I went to the gardens up by the dam.  At some point the road has manicured lawns along it and beautiful landscape.  This makes me sad because I live in the woods and I want to live in a place with lawns and landscape.  So this brings up the question:  Why do certain things make us relax and others don’t when in reality, one isn’t better than the other?  I think it’s a combination of familiarity and programmed preferences.  The manicured lawns remind me of the US and of wealthier/nicer neighborhoods.  The woods I live in make me think of snakes, bugs and other crawly things.  There’s trash everywhere and it’s wild and uncared for.  Granted, I’d rather look at pretty flowers than trash in a pile of dead leaves, but it’s the way looking at one vs the other actually changes the way I feel, my emotions, my nervous system, my energy level.  The reality is one is not actually different than the other (except the trash), both are nature.  My friend Corina and I were discussing this the other day as we were comparing me trying to rid my house of mice and tokays and she had squirrels in her garage.  Somehow, the squirrels were not as bad as mice and tokays.  But in reality, what is the difference?  I also noticed this when I was in Vietnam and they drove on the “right” side of the road.  I felt my system relax a little.  I noticed this in Singapore too.  Everything is clean, people drive politely, there are gardens and art everywhere.  Why is planned landscape better than natural?  I think part of may be because of the intention that was put into creating a garden or art, but it’s still interesting how physical the reaction is, not just a simple “aw, I like that”.  And how automatic the reaction is that we may not even notice it enough to ask the question.  So, apparently I want to live a wealthier lifestyle and I’m drawn to the things that represent that to me.

I read some more of Diamond Heart Book 4.  I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s just amazing that whenever I read AH Almaas, he’s speaking directly to me as if he just wrote that chapter for me 5 minutes before I decided to read it.  This only happens EVERY time I read his books.  This time it was about how the problem is that we aren’t seeing correctly.  We aren’t seeing reality.  We are seeing concepts we learned a long time ago.  We are seeing concepts in our brains.  I was just talking about how I feel like I’m not seeing correctly.  And I think the previous paragraph fits into this as well.  Maybe I should read more Almaas and less Game of Thrones…….

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

 

Daylight

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, Uncategorized3 Comments

Daylight helps so much.  Nothing looks quite as dire during the day.  I woke up not happy, but not completely covered in bugs so that’s a plus.  I hardly slept at all last night.  It was so hot that I just laid in bed sweating trying to lay as close to the edge as I could so I got full effect of the fan.  I’m still amazed how much my face can sweat.  I noticed that I’m just holding all the stress of it all kind of like holding my breath, waiting until September.  I can’t hold my breath until September.  I can’t live like this that long.  I still don’t know how to let the holding go.  I tried to cry or get angry, but it’s not an emotional thing.  I’ve done that work for years.  Cognitively I understand that it’s an issue of seeing.  None of this looks the way I wanted it to.  The fairy tale I was fed as a child isn’t true.  No knight in shining armor is coming to save me.  I wanted a more comfortable life than this.  I wanted to live in a different culture, but in a city with expats I could be friends with and the ability to get around easier.  And then I wanted the next step in my process to present itself easily.  And some how money would appear and I’d live happily ever after.  It doesn’t look like that.  I need to see differently.  Last night as I typed that I was feeling broken, I thought maybe I need to be broken.  Maybe it’s like losing all that muscle I lost a few months ago, where I felt that I had to lose it all to start over.  Maybe I have to be broken, have everything I want not possible so I can let go of how it “should be” and really see.  Maybe it’s already happening.

The janitor came over and finished covering holes in my house.  There are so many he didn’t do because it would take a month full time to cover every hole, but I think we got the ones that mice and tokays could get through.  Speaking of mice, I found the one living in my bathroom.  We both chased him around for 5 minutes and then he disappeared.  Like magic.  I have no idea where he went.  So mind boggling.  There must be a secret trap door that only mice and frogs know about.

Now I’m sitting in the coffee shop  in air conditioning and wondering how they can actually get that much sugar to dissolve in a latte.  On my way here, I ran into one of the teachers, Pit.  I don’t know Pit’s actual title, but he’s kind of like an assistant principle.  He and one of the other teachers looked so happy to see me.  They both mentioned the air conditioning.  So, I will have air con in the future.  As usual, I’m not clear on the full content of the conversation, but I think the air con unit will be here on the 15th.

So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to try putting tags in my blog so that they are searchable by others.  Or at least, that’s what I think it will do.  I’m not sure because the whole thing about hashtags has me mystified.  I understand it makes things searchable, but I have no idea who is searching for some of the things I’ve seen hashtagged.  I have no idea how someone goes about searching.  And above all I have no idea why.  So, if you get a bunch of emails in the near future saying I updated a blog, sorry.  I don’t know if WordPress sends an email every time I make and update or only when I post a new blog. Also, if you have any good ideas of hashtags I should use, let me know.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

More Beach

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

After breakfast and some pool time, my friend arrived at the hotel.  We changed rooms in the hotel.  We went to Seminyak beach which is a busier beach than the one the hotel is near.  It still wasn’t the crowded mess I had heard of.  The streets in Seminyak were crowded with traffic and lined with stores, but it had a nice feel to it, I thought.  We went in search of a place that would do henna tattoos, but failed on that hunt.  Better hunting tomorrow.  They do the bean bag beach bars here too, but there’s a lot more of them.  I got some pictures of them after they had set up for the sunset crowd.  I didn’t get any pictures of them at sunset, but it was nice to just sit in bean bags and watch the waves come in.  We also bought a couple of movies to take back to the hotel.  I was surprised that Allegiant was already out.  But when we went to buy it, they said it might not be good quality.  Aha, it’s an illegal copy.  We got it anyway.  It was ok quality.

I’m feeling a combination of opposites.  I’m tired of people.  I’m tired of being alone.  I don’t want to go back to work, but I’m missing the lack of routine.  I’m tired of doing.  I’m tired of sitting still.   I feel out of place.  I don’t like heat.  I don’t like heat – oh wait, no opposite there.  I feel like I should decide what I’m going to do with my life after teaching.  But why do I have to decide that now?  How is making a decision now living in the flow of life?  I’m trying to live now and the future keeps hopping into my thoughts.  When it does, it brings anxiety and “should” and exhaustion.  Overall, I spend an enormous amount more of my time living now, but the future still has a bit of a hold on me.  And, now that I am so much more aware, I can feel what living for the future does to a body so much stronger.  So, I just watch it when it happens and note how it makes me feel and question who is watching.  I think this is all part of a bigger shift trying to happen.

I found it easier when I was watching the sunset yesterday to just melt into oneness and now than I did tonight.  I think it’s harder for me when I’m with other people.  I still have thoughts that tell me I have to be a certain way, have conversations, do things, be witty, be nice, behave like all the other people, etc.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore20160420_153825

20160420_15383420160420_15390220160420_15473120160420_203509

Beach

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

We got up this morning and found a place for breakfast.  It wasn’t very good.  Then we hung out at the Best Western pool until it was time to take Carly to the airport.  They had a really nice pool.

I drove the POS for the last time and was so excited to drop it off.  That might have been the highlight of the day.  I said goodbye to Carly and got a taxi to my new hotel near the beach.  I’ve heard that Kuta and Seminyak are both dirty and over touristy and that I wouldn’t enjoy them.  From my one night in Kuta, I didn’t find it to be that bad, but I didn’t find it worth going back to either.  My hotel in Seminyak is great.

It was a 13 minute walk to the beach.  The beach wasn’t crowded at all.  I got there in time for sunset. There was a beach bar that I hung out at for dinner and sunset.  I was hoping to meet some people and have a nice conversation, but that didn’t happen.  But as I sat there, I just felt how alone I was and then for a while, I didn’t even exist.  I could have stayed like that all night, but I had to go to the bathroom and that kinda broke the not existing experience.  Now, note, I said “alone”.  Did you read “lonely”?  Did you put a negative story on the word “alone”?  Did you assume that if I had met people and had a nice conversation that that would have been the “better” outcome?  “Alone” is not the same as “lonely”, not even close.  Now read it again without judgement, good or bad, or should be.  Do you get a different picture?

So, this is the right way to do a beach bar.  Put on some music, have a bunch of bean bags to sit on, put out some pretty lights, serve drinks and food.  This is as simple, brilliant and perfect as it gets.  Naysayers 0, Seminyak 1.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

20160419_11535020160419_115401

20160419_142804
Very cool shower
20160419_174256
Yes.  Yes it does.

20160419_17561920160419_17574420160419_17590520160419_180256

The Plan

On By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

My experience with making a plan is that 90% of the time nothing goes according to the plan.  Still, we make plans.  Today was no different.  The first beach I chose was supposed to have the blackest sand on this side of Bali according to the guide book.  I got there and it was a construction zone.  Machines were moving large boulders around.  The tide was in so there was no beach.  I could tell that if there had been a beach, it would have had very black sand.  So, back into the POS to find the next beach.  I got to see rice fields on the way to and from the beach so, check! – Picture of rice fields.  Now, one of the side roads I was going to take later to see rice fields didn’t need to happen. The next beach was supposed to have a ton of mica in the sand so it’s extra glittery.  I like glitter.  There was a parking lot and some Bali restaurants and not much else.  Since the tide was still in, the water came up to the wall.  I could tell from the parking lot, that, yes, this would be a glittery beach, but not right now.  I tried to order lunch, but all they had was fish.  How do you have fish, but not shrimp?  Then again, Google Translator could be lying.  It does that often.  I gave up and decided to eat lunch at the next beach.  The next beach was not part of the plan, but I was determined to get a beach.  No, not a beach.  It was a harbor for a very large ferry and more dive operations than I’ve ever seen in one location.  I did find a restaurant for lunch though.  So, that’s the end of the beach portion of the plan and we are 0 for 3.

At many points of the day I am sweating so hard that I think water is pouring out of my face.  I didn’t think a face could sweat that much.  I grew up in Florida, but I don’t remember heat and humidity like this.

I decided to head to the place I’m staying tonight.  The road goes more inland.  There is a water temple on the way which is the next part of the plan.  Google Maps decides to not work so we are going by signs and the map in the guide book.  It shouldn’t be an issue to get to Amed without google maps, but the water temple is probably a loss and hopefully the resort is easy to find when I get to Amed.

I’ve finally figured out what the white stripes on the road mean.  If you see a white stripe on the road, there is a driving lane to the left of the stripe, a driving lane to the right of the stripe and a driving lane straddling the stripe.  At some point the road narrowed and buildings lined both sides of the road so there was no way to pull over, stop and check the map.  The road wound up and down with huge curves.  Often, the buildings would go away on one side of the road revealing stunning views.  I couldn’t take pictures of any of it because there was no where to stop and I need both my hands to drive.  The signs did not lead me astray though.  I only missed one turn – the one to the water temple.

I saw an area with about 20 cars parked so I assumed that might be the temple.  I had to drive quite a distance before I found a place I could turn around.  I wasn’t going to miss everything on the plan though so I went back and it was the parking for the water temple!  Actually, it wasn’t a temple, but a water palace.  Taman Tirta Gangga was built in 1948 and has two swimming ponds, and a bunch of other ponds with fountains and koi in them.  My favorite had stepping stones at water level so it felt like you were walking on water.  They led different paths through the water like a labyrinth.  As I headed back to my car there was a guy with snakes you could pay to pose with for pictures.  He also had a bat and tiny owls.  OWLS.  My distaste of animal tourism out the window.  Hell yea, I’ll pay you to hold a tiny owl and get my picture taken.

After that I headed to Amed by way of sign instead of electronic map.  The road got smaller and smaller until it was slightly larger than one lane.  Yet from the signs advertising guesthouses and scuba diving, I knew I was on the right path.  I almost missed the sign that pointed to the place where I’m staying, but managed to hit the brakes and turn at the last second.  I parked near the entrance and a guy asked if I was Kim.

This is no five star resort, but I’m in love with it.  The dive shop is at the same place as the hotel so I was able to check in and I don’t have far to go tomorrow morning.  There are a row of rooms on either side of a courtyard.  Almost the entire courtyard is taken up by a pool.  There’s a restaurant and a short distance from the restaurant and the pool is a black sand beach. You can see huge mountains when you are in the ocean.  Each room has a covered deck looking out to the ocean and the decks all have bean bag chairs on them.  My room is large, very yellow and has a bed built into the middle of the room.  I can hear the ocean from my room.  I stayed here for dinner because I’ve had enough venturing out for today and because I love this place.  The food was great and I got to catch up on yesterday and today’s blogs.

I checked in with Mom.  My brother is there again.  They were getting ready to go to the funeral of my cousin’s son.  The funeral for my Mom’s husband is Saturday.  I wish I could be there.  I’ve been struggling with feeling like I should go back and feeling very strongly that it isn’t the right decision.  There’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want to go back to Sam Ngao and teach.  That part is telling me to move back to the US.  To stay in Sam Ngao would be the more difficult choice.  I don’t feel that it’s the right time to go back to the US.  I’m stuck again in the place of what “should” I do.  I’m thinking of the future instead of being here.  I’m feeling like I need to have a plan, make a decision, control the situation.  But, I know that this is all part of the learning.  The truth is that I don’t know the right answer, I don’t have to make a decision now and if I control the situation, it will not turn out happy for me.  So, as uncomfortable as it is for me, I wait.  I wait for life to unfold and happen the way it should.

I also had the thought on the dive boat yesterday that I would love to be on a boat and diving every day.  Then I had the thought that I don’t have the money to get my dive master certification and it would be a hard life financially.  I see that I took something wonderful that I was enjoying and in my head made it impossible to have that as my life.  Instead, my life will be teaching in Sam Ngao, moving to Wisconsin which I have no desire to do, or some unknown other thing that is also ok, but I don’t love it.  So, the belief that there’s not enough for me is still in operation at a very subtle level.  I can never really have what I want.  This has been one of my core issues.  I want to love my life.  I want to love my work and have it be enough financially.  I want to put an end to drama and the need for there to always be some hurdle to get over.  And it’s tied to doing and planning.  And it’s tied to what’s going on with Mom.  And it’s tied to the dissolving of the ego.  So for now, I have no plan and I don’t know what I’m going to do in a couple weeks when vacation is over.  I have no idea how I’m going to get that job I love or what that job is.  I’m just watching what comes up and noticing it.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

20160407_114233
First Beach
20160407_114238
First Beach

20160407_114655

20160407_120216
Second Beach
20160407_120220
Second Beach

20160407_12035420160407_12475920160407_15461420160407_15461820160407_15462120160407_15462520160407_15531620160407_15540620160407_15541620160407_15544120160407_15545820160407_15550020160407_15551220160407_15551620160407_15554520160407_15554920160407_15563020160407_15564220160407_15564920160407_15565520160407_15585020160407_15594920160407_15595720160407_16001320160407_16013020160407_16032420160407_16033520160407_16040120160407_16054620160407_16075120160407_16082120160407_16095120160407_16102420160407_16104120160407_16143620160407_16201920160407_16202720160407_17305520160407_17311020160407_17462920160407_175139

Lost

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I had an interesting thought today.  If, in my 20s, I had done what I’m doing now, people would say I was traveling and living abroad to find myself.  I thought, what an interesting twisted concept.  So many times I’ve heard people say they are taking time off to find themselves.  It’s self identification that is the source of issues.  And yet, finding oneself is often a lofty goal.  On many occasions, when people ask why I moved abroad, I said to shake things up, to get lost.  I’m trying to lose myself.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I just finished a week of an Awakening to Presence workshop in Pennsylvania.  The workshop was amazing as always.  I feel blessed to be able to witness the work of so many beautiful people and to be able to support them.  I love watching the other assistant teachers step into their leadership.  And it’s amazing to watch True Nature show up to show us what we are.  I said goodbye to most of this group in June because I wasn’t sure when I was leaving.  It was difficult to say goodbye again.  I felt their love and respect which reminds me of why I am doing this work and why I am leaving.  Part of why I am leaving is for me, my adventure, my learning and my experience.  But I do believe this adventure will deepen my presence.  It feels more like a widening than a deepening.  If I can go out and explore the world with a wide openness, what will I find?  If I can find it safe, rich, enjoyable and full, even in the midst of chaos, unfamiliarity, and fear, can I hold that knowledge in my body and my energy?  Can I hold that for myself and others?  I cognitively know this and I know this a bit from my experiences recently, but now I’m jumping off in the deep unknown to really test it so I may know it fully.  I hope that others will follow me in their own way to knowing.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Two

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I went on facebook this morning and saw pictures of a bunch of my friends at dinner the night before for a friend’s birthday.  Why wasn’t I invited?  I feel like all the people I invite to do things with me don’t think to invite me.  Am I the friend no one really likes, but no one wants to tell?  Why do I go through so much effort to include people or spend time with people who are not willing to do the same for me?  Am I choosing friends unwisely?  Why does everyone else seem to have a close group of friends and I’m always sort of a friend?  I feel if I stopped reaching out, I’d only have 3 or 4 friends.  Is there something inherently wrong with me?  Am I not lovable?  Am I just preparing to leave the country and life is just making it easier to go?  I think this a common human issue and a lot of us feel like this not knowing it just isn’t true.  Not realizing a lot of other people feel this way too.  Or knowing it’s a lie, but not knowing how to stop the reaction from happening.

I had a session with my coach today and a lot of this came up in the session.  Summary of the process:  I feel like a small child in a dark room crying out for help and no one is coming.  This comes up a lot for me in process.  I felt the infant cry so hard until the nervous system had to shut down to keep the baby from dying.  Something is wrong and I cry out, but no one is coming and I can’t fix it.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I can’t do it and no one else will.  As an infant the only thing I could do was shut down and energetically leave my body because I couldn’t fix what was wrong.  I can’t move forward.  I can’t move because if I do, no one will follow.  If I move forward, I will have to do it alone.  I will be alone in the world.  I feel like the sales brochure for life was wrong.  I paid for, signed up for two.  I was promised two.  There is no two, it’s just me.  No mommy is coming to help me.  No mate is coming to share his life with me.  There is no knight is shining armour (stupid stupid fairy tales).  There is no two.  There never was.  I feel lied to.  This is not what I came here for.   Near the end of the process I felt like my arms and legs were disintegrating, slowing evaporating up off the table.  This was fascinating.  I was becoming not solid.  I was disintegrating into everything around me – ONE.  There was a small part of me that wasn’t happy about this experience.  If I disintegrate, I will be nothing.  I don’t want to be nothing.  If I’m not part of two, am I nothing?

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore