Here’s an interesting experience. I had heard people complaining about big brother always watching. The new theory I heard was that even when we aren’t talking on the phone, if our cell phone is nearby, it is recording us so that big brother knows what we are talking about. Then adds for things you talked about show up on facebook or other websites later. My first thought is, who cares? If someone wants to listen to everything I say, how are they going to use it against me? They are just going to be rather bored, I think. Then after a conversation about IKEA, it shows up as an add on facebook. I’ve never searched for IKEA or furniture on line. As a test my roommates and I picked an obscure subject and talked about it incessantly one evening – Craw fish boil. Nothing ever showed up for any of us about Louisiana, craw fish, cooking or anything related. I kind of hoped it would.
I’m back at my old job. It’s nice because it’s familiar. It’s overwhelming because it’s a lot of work and I’m having trouble switching into face paced work mode.
I’ve been meeting up with some friends which is nice. I’ve been watching a bunch of movies. I’m still having trouble sleeping. I wake up somewhere in the middle of the night, not awake enough to get up and do something, but not asleep either. Then I sleep too late in the morning. I’m trying to just be patient and kind to myself. I’m sure some of it is my body adjusting to the altitude, food and lifestyle changes. I assume some of it is reverse culture shock as I just don’t feel at home. I feel lost. I don’t feel like I belong here. I don’t feel welcome in my own city. I feel like I should do something, but I don’t know what to do. Then even if I know what to do, I don’t want to do anything. I feel the need to do, but I don’t want to do. My old life, and most people’s lives are centered around doing. I want to be, but I still don’t know how to be. “Knowing” how to be is actually “doing” being. That doesn’t work. So, some days I get up and do. Others I get up and exist (be) without the need to do. A lot of mornings I get up, decide that the do/be dilemma is too much to handle and I go back to bed. The nice thing about all this is that I don’t judge myself and even though I wouldn’t call this Joy or Happiness, I don’t need it to be some “good” feeling. There is nothing wrong with it just being slightly uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with it being anything other than a do/be battle that sometimes goes the way of do, sometimes be and sometimes sleep.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
Totally unrelated photos:
Rraine Drops 