I watched a bunch of videos about unlocking cars. It looks pretty easy. This is going to be a fun way to volunteer at Burning Man. It’s also kind of eye opening how easy it is to break into a car if you have the right tools.
I got word back from GSC that all the positions I applied for were filled already. Ooops sorry, we didn’t contact you?
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Someone posted on Next Door Floyd Hill that they are looking for a new house to rent in the fall. I contacted them. It doesn’t hurt to make some contacts in case.
I sent emails to all the companies (5 different companies) that I applied for Antarctica jobs to see if I could get a status update since none of them have responded – not even “no”.
Still don’t know where I’m going if Antarctica doesn’t happen. I feel stuck on making a new plan because I’m waiting for Antarctica.
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After I got my ticket, I asked Katie who she thought I should camp with at Burning Man and she said the Fucking Flamingos – the group she camped with the year before. I knew a couple people at that camp and contacted one of them. He put me in touch with another guy who sent me a bunch of information on the camp. I told him about my plan to only do planning/prep for Burning Man if it is simple and stress free. He suggested I was doing Easy Man this year. This camp seemed to be a good fit for me and I love meeting new people. Sign me up. Ticket – Check. Home on the Playa – Check. Now to find a ride out there. Well on my way to making Easy Man a reality!
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A Burning Man ticket code arrived in my email inbox today. I guess a ticket fell in my lap. The main reason I was ok if it didn’t happen was because it is always a lot of work getting ready to go. It can be stressful. I decided to make this the most stress free trip to the playa yet. If it requires a lot of work, drama, or stress, I’m not doing it. Think I can pull it off?
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I decided that I want to spend my weekends out in nature. That is the reason I moved to Colorado in the first place. I want to spend some quality time with Colorado before I leave her. I started this quest with a weekend with my friend Doug who lives near Steamboat Springs. We went hiking and 4wd at the flat tops. We had so much rain this spring. This is the most wildflowers I have ever seen. It was like hiking in a botanic gardens. Well played mother nature, well played.
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I went on facebook this morning and saw pictures of a bunch of my friends at dinner the night before for a friend’s birthday. Why wasn’t I invited? I feel like all the people I invite to do things with me don’t think to invite me. Am I the friend no one really likes, but no one wants to tell? Why do I go through so much effort to include people or spend time with people who are not willing to do the same for me? Am I choosing friends unwisely? Why does everyone else seem to have a close group of friends and I’m always sort of a friend? I feel if I stopped reaching out, I’d only have 3 or 4 friends. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Am I not lovable? Am I just preparing to leave the country and life is just making it easier to go? I think this a common human issue and a lot of us feel like this not knowing it just isn’t true. Not realizing a lot of other people feel this way too. Or knowing it’s a lie, but not knowing how to stop the reaction from happening.
I had a session with my coach today and a lot of this came up in the session. Summary of the process: I feel like a small child in a dark room crying out for help and no one is coming. This comes up a lot for me in process. I felt the infant cry so hard until the nervous system had to shut down to keep the baby from dying. Something is wrong and I cry out, but no one is coming and I can’t fix it. I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t do it and no one else will. As an infant the only thing I could do was shut down and energetically leave my body because I couldn’t fix what was wrong. I can’t move forward. I can’t move because if I do, no one will follow. If I move forward, I will have to do it alone. I will be alone in the world. I feel like the sales brochure for life was wrong. I paid for, signed up for two. I was promised two. There is no two, it’s just me. No mommy is coming to help me. No mate is coming to share his life with me. There is no knight is shining armour (stupid stupid fairy tales). There is no two. There never was. I feel lied to. This is not what I came here for. Near the end of the process I felt like my arms and legs were disintegrating, slowing evaporating up off the table. This was fascinating. I was becoming not solid. I was disintegrating into everything around me – ONE. There was a small part of me that wasn’t happy about this experience. If I disintegrate, I will be nothing. I don’t want to be nothing. If I’m not part of two, am I nothing?
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Still really enjoying reading Diamond Heart Book 4. Whenever I read anything from AH Almaas, it feels like he wrote the exact thing I needed to read that very day. This is what stuck with me today: “White blood cells defend and protect and then they are cleaned out of the body. The personality defends and protects. It needs to be clarified”. I’ve been sick a lot this year. Does the body go through a similar cleaning process as the personality is being clarified?
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I was reading Diamond Heart Book 4 today. It started out talking about how people that claim instant Realization and that realization doesn’t happen this way. It’s not instant, it’s nonlinear, it’s a process. I was just discussing this with Lisa and how I want to write about my process in this blog. As I was reading this, I could see colors swirling on the white page. Fun!
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More pottery not selling today. By the end of the weekend I had broken even – sold enough to cover the hotel and booth fee. This weekend did not follow my ego plan. The question of what is the point of this weekend was not answered. I just left feeling tired and frustrated. Maybe there isn’t a point to everything. Maybe things are just random sometimes. I’m trying to find a point or a silver lining to offset that the weekend didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I’m trying to turn “bad” into “good” by looking for some higher purpose. I can only accept that my plan failed if something good comes out of it. The reality is that bad and good are my interpretation of the situation. They aren’t real. The reality is I went to an art show, sold a few things and then came home. The frustration, the thought that it should be different, the negative feelings, the search for the positive is all an ego game. What a dumb game – I lose every time.
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I’ve been doing pottery since 1998. It started as something to do when I first moved to Colorado and didn’t know very many people. I started off learning how to throw pots on the wheel. After a few years, I wasn’t much better than when I started. I was constantly making bottom too thin or getting them off center. I couldn’t make anything very tall or big and heaven forbid I try to make a plate. This was the point where I stared hand building. That’s all I’ve done since. Over the years, I’ve come to a style all my own and I love making things. Now, I make small raku boxes and vases. I’ve had my work in a couple of galleries over the years. Everyone loves my stuff, but I hardly ever sell anything. For years, pottery was my weekly escape from the engineering world. It was my feminine side allowed to be creative and flow a little. I stopped making pottery about six months ago. I have quite a bit of work and don’t want to make more just to store it. This weekend I’m doing an art show in Salida with my friend, Lisa. I barely sold anything today. I was hoping to sell a lot and not have to store it when I leave. But that’s not what’s happening. I’m having trouble seeing what the point is. Why am I here this weekend? Creating art for a living doesn’t seem like the job for me right now. I keep looking for a meaning or purpose. Am I here to meet someone that will be important in my life? Am I here to help Lisa? Is this a lesson in frustration? Is this supposed to help trigger my money issues, my issues with not enough, for me so I can work on them? If I was more grounded, would my work sell? I noticed all day that I was not present. I’d try to ground and then notice a few minutes later that I wasn’t. 
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Rraine Drops 