January 4th was a long day. I keep trying to calculate the number of hours in the day because it fascinates me. I think it was a 44 hour day. I left Auckland at 3:00pm and arrived in Denver at 12:30pm. I went back in time. So cool. We humans just made up time.
I remember sitting in the airport texting my friend who was going to pick me up in Denver. I told him I might cry a lot. I started crying just from typing the word “cry”. I’m crying again, now because I typed the word again. I can’t even tell you why I’m crying. I’m not sad or happy. I don’t feel any of the “normal” emotions. I think it’s just a nervous system reaction to massive change. It is also a physical recognition of the enormity of what I have done and am doing.
I tried to sleep on the plane, but I was so physically uncomfortable that I maybe slept an hour at best. I watched 4 movies. On the flight from San Fran to Denver I was able to rest a little as I had all three seats to myself, but I was aware of where I was and how uncomfortable I was the whole time, so I wouldn’t call it sleep.
Jay picked me up at the airport and brought me Deana’s snow boots and a winter jacket. I cried less than I thought I would. It’s so cold. It was dark, gloomy and -10 degrees. I miss the snow and cold, but my body isn’t ready for this. After we got to their house and had some food, I set out to get my phone fixed and make my car legal to drive. The scariest part was driving on snowy roads and remembering to stay on the right side of the road. I only messed up once and it was in an empty parking lot entrance so no one noticed. Over $500 to renew the car tags, including a late fee. Ouch. The phone is done. I have insurance on it which means I get a used phone for free. (It only took a day to get the “new” phone and it looked like it had never been used). I did laundry and tried to separate things I would need from things that need to go in storage. By the time I went to bed, I figured I had been up for 33 hours.
I slept for 9 hours when the alarm went off. I felt like I should get up and do things. Then I decided that I should not get up and do things. I slept for 2 more hours. Doing things proves to be difficult. I spent a lot of time standing in the middle of all my stuff, feeling lost. I got my “new” phone and went to lunch. I was going to grocery shop, but that seemed an insurmountable mountain. Plus it’s so cold outside. I napped. I did manage to separate most of the stuff for storage. I feel lost. I feel like I should do things, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do anything. I have a headache that won’t go away – altitude?
I took my car to the mechanic’s to fix anything wrong with it. The person who leased it did not take care of it. We are up to $1,000 worth of fixing so far – new tires, new keys, fix hatch back, oil change, fix alignment, etc. Hopefully there isn’t anything else wrong with it. Next week I’ll get the interior detailed because it’s just yucky.
I got a lot of “welcome home” messages on Facebook. I don’t feel like I’m home. Everything feels familiar, but not home. It’s not a negative thing. It’s not like home is good and not home is bad. Same thing with “lost”. Lost is not a bad feeling, but a detached feeling. I didn’t expect that it would feel like home. I feel like I’m waiting, waiting to know what is next, waiting for reverse culture shock to work it’s way through, waiting to adjust to the time/temp/altitude changes, waiting for all the to-do’s to be done, and waiting to not be lost. I know home is not actually a place, but is me. Me is in a major change pattern right now. I imagine with some time and further integration of all that’s happened lately that I will feel home. So, I wait, standing in the middle of a ridiculous amount of useless stuff wondering what to do next and wondering why I have so much stuff.
A few people have asked if I will continue my blog. I think I will. I think there will still be amazing and silly things to write about. There are quite a few blog posts I started in the past that I hope to finish. Some things are difficult to put into words and I hope to find the words. I think that the integration of this past year will also be worth writing about. After that, I might change the tone into more of a weekly meditation/investigation tool for those of you reading so you can participate more actively through your growth and learning, instead of just a ride along with my journey.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
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