Teacher Day

Yesterday near the end of the day Noi told me there were no classes today.  Ok.  Not sure why Pat didn’t tell me this.  It’s Teacher’s Day.  There are ceremonies in the morning and in the afternoon there’s Freshman Orientation.  It happens once a year in the first semester.

I got to school and all the teachers were wearing their government uniforms.  The students were all wearing their blue uniforms.  The students and teachers all had food.  I would have loved it if someone had filled me in on this first ceremony so I could have brought food too.  The first ceremony was to give the food to monks.  They had seats for the monks and they had their food donation bowls.  The teachers went first.  One of the teachers grabbed me and held my hand as I took her food offering and put some in each bowl.  After the teachers, the students followed.  As the bowls filled up, there were students that took the food and put it in bags and then took the bags to a pickup truck.  The monks got an entire pickup truck of boxed milk and junk food.  It was a touching ceremony, but also sad that junk food is the food gift of choice.  I hope they get better food on most days.  They eat entirely from food donated to them.  I think they go out every morning with their bowls asking for food.  Not sure where they go as I’ve never seen this, but have only heard of it.

Next was sitting in the meeting hall as the monks sat on the stage and chanted.  They sat in a line and had their hands out in front of them.  There was a string laying on top of their arms draped from one monk to the next.  At some point I asked Pat what the string was for.  She said it was holy string.  Oh, of course.  She pointed to a couple of students that had string on their wrists like bracelets.  Holy string.  After the chanting, one monk walked around the meeting hall with a bowl of water and a wand of reeds in his hand.  He used the reeds to spray water on everyone as he walked by.  Holy water, of course.  When he got to Robin, he took the reeds and smacked him on the head twice.  The monk has a sense of humor!  Then there was another offering of food which was in stackable lunch boxes.  This looked like real food and made me feel a little better.  Pat told me this was for the monk’s lunch.  They have to eat before noon.  Monks don’t eat after noon.  After noon they can drink liquids as long as they aren’t made from animals like milk.  But no food.

After the monks left to go have lunch, the Teacher ceremony started.  They moved chairs up onto the stage for us.  As they were making announcements, the teachers were all giddy and giggly.  They weren’t listening to the announcements at all. They were talking amonst themselves.  It occurred to me that maybe they were nervous being on stage.  The students had made the most detailed intricate flower arrangements I’ve ever seen.  They brought them up to the stage and bowed at the shrine and then walked on their knees to the Director and gave them to him.  I think there were two per class.  After that they moved us to the floor below the stage and the students came up one at a time and brought offerings of flowers and bowed at our feet.  This ceremony is the student asking the teacher to teach them and the teacher promising to teach.

After the ceremony I went to lunch with Noi.  We got lunch at a noodle place.  Largest bowls ever.  Then it was off to run errands.  She stopped at one point and pointed to some red berries and asked me what they were in English.  I have no idea.  They are manaou hoo.  Manaou is lime so they are sour like limes.  She mentioned that I had a great memory, but I told her I didn’t think so.  If I did, I’d be able to speak Thai.  She said maybe I didn’t have good memory with languages, but I did with calculations.  I thought, maybe not calculations, but spatial.  I have good spacial memory.  I see things spatially and I see and remember patterns and shapes.  I think this is why the butterflies are so wonderful to me.  We don’t usually pay much attention to air.  But there are so many butterflies here that you can’t look off into the distance without seeing butterflies in the sky.  My brain is use to seeing nothing in the air around me or it interprets it as nothing, but now that it is filled with butterflies, my brain picks up on the change in spatial input.  I’m now paying attention to the air, the space, the place where there was never nothing, but I wasn’t paying attention to it before.  The butterflies are shaking up the normal spatial perception and it’s like a fun game to my brain.  I think this is why I love the purple ones too.  There’s ground and my brain knows ground so it pays no attention.  Then the ground moves and changes colors and my brain has to switch out of automatic.  At this point, there’s no choice but to be completely present.

After lunch, the students did Freshman Orientation which I think is more like Freshman Hazing.  Each class created an activity for the freshman to do.  I’m not sure what the activities were as I used this time to work on lesson plans, but when ever I looked out the window I would see a bunch of students running by all covered in paint or white stuff.  There was lots of laughing, cheering and girls screaming so they were having fun.

Tip called me and asked me to meet her for coffee.  She and Fai were at the coffee shop when I got there.  I had ice cream and watched Fai color.  She had drawn a picture of me.  It’s so funny.  I have a giant afro in the picture!  Yes, my hair is curly and unruly, but this afro was bigger than my head!

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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One of the other English teachers, Tussany

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Manaou Hoo
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Manaou Hoo Face
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Home Depot – ish
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Dog eating the offering off a spirit house
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Guess which one is me

Sleeping

I had email conversation with one of the students in the current Awakening to Presence class about the way we sleep.  If we sleep in one of our character patterns or in a defensive pattern will that affect how we feel when we wake up?  We both think that it does. Over the years I have woken up not wanting to start the day.  I’ve gone through periods of time where I wake up with numb hands.  Awhile ago I tried to change the way I sleep.  I sleep on my side and use to sleep all curled up in the fetal position.  I was able to greatly improve the way I sleep and rarely get numb hands any more.  For quite awhile I didn’t wake up not wanting to start the day.  Every morning when I wake up now, I take a few minutes to straighten out my body and just lie there noticing how I feel and tuning into my body.  I’ve been doing this automatically, not thinking about it.  I do think if we sleep in a position of fear we will wake up anxious, in a position of collapse we will wake up feeling defeated or not wanting to start the day.  I don’t sleep anywhere near as curled up as I use to, but I’m wondering if I can uncurl more and see how that changes my mornings.  Of course if I had a bigger bed, that would help – my bed was made for a short tiny Thai person.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

The pineapple that will destroy your tongue

Friday Noi wanted to take me to lunch outside of school.  We left early and the place she wanted to go was closed.  There was a cone with a big light on it in the road so we couldn’t turn on it.  As we drove by she said someone was dead.  That was why the place was closed.  How did she know that?  She said she saw the tent.  I saw a big awning coming from a house and covering most of the street in front of the house.  I guess it’s like a reception where people come to pay respects to the family.  We went to another place to eat.  As with most Thai restaurants, it’s a covered area in front of a house with an outdoor kitchen.  The lady that owned this one was real nice and quite happy to have us there.  She had chickens and roosters running around everywhere.  I had a hard time eating because I just wanted to watch the chickens.  I didn’t have my phone with me so I didn’t get any pictures.  I’ve never seen so many in one place.  They were pecking at my feet.  The roosters that would fight were in cages.  Some of the roosters were huge.  I asked if she raised the roosters for fighting.  Noi said she didn’t.  She didn’t mind if they died for people to eat, but would not have her roosters die for fighting.  She could make a small fortune if she sold them for fighting.  The health department in the US would fall over and die if they saw Thai restaurants.  Yet, I haven’t gotten sick from any restaurant in Sam Ngao and the food has always been good.  Maybe we are over cautious in the US.

Friday night I had dinner with Tip and did a reading lesson for her daughter.  I wasn’t sure how to teach reading to someone that never read before, but I found some beginner reading lessons on line and Tip printed them.  Fai did pretty good.  I had hoped Ging would come over with her daughter too, but the timing didn’t work out.

My printer stopped printing even though I got the ink refilled.  Maybe refilling the ink cartridges doesn’t work.  I tried to get stuff printed at school, but it seems like a huge imposition to print color at school and I can only print black and white when I can find Noi in her office.  Otherwise her office is locked.  I feel frustration and a small amount of panic.  This took me out of the state of indifference and has consumed most of my thoughts.  I asked Noi if she would take me to Tak to get new ink.  She took me yesterday and insisted that I bring the printer.  I didn’t understand why I needed to bring the printer since I just needed to buy new cartridges.  She kept asking about the ink tank.  I kept saying that it didn’t have an ink tank and I didn’t see how the ink would get in the cartridges if they put a tank on it.  Well, color me stupid.  The printer shop in Tak put an ink tank on the printer and a thin cord that goes to the cartridges.  Take that Cannon.  Serves you right for trying to create a printer that goes through ink so fast and thinking we would have to buy expensive cartridges every month.  This morning, I printed the rest of my lesson plans for this week.  I keep getting the message that the printer is low on ink, but the prints came out fine.  So, fingers crossed that this will continue to work.  I relaxed a little.

My plan for this weekend was to get a week ahead on lesson planning, but the trip to Tak took all day so, I’m ready for this week’s lessons, but not ahead.  We went to breakfast which was a delicious soup and chicken with ginger.  Then we went to the morning market to buy more plants for Noi.  I like the market in Tak.  Then we went a few other places.  One of them had tiny pineapple.  Noi bought some and told me they were the most delicious pineapple.  They come from Chiang Rai.  They are the most sweet and juicy of the pineapple.  There are pineapple that come from somewhere else in Thailand and they are bigger, just as sweet, but not as juicy.  Then there are pineapple that come from Phuket.  They taste good, but are so fibrous that you can’t eat too many.  If you eat too many, they will destroy your tongue. The pineapple that will destroy your tongue.  I enjoyed the non tongue destroying pineapple very much.

Then to Tesco to do the printer.  Ice cream at Dairy Queen and the bank.  I should have bought food in Tesco, but by that time of the day I was exhausted and just standing around was more my speed.  The meat department has bins and bins of meat just sitting out and you grab tongs and a bag and pick what  you want.  Then they weight it and put a price on the bag.  I was mesmerized watching people pick through bins of raw meat.  I couldn’t even move to go look at the veggies.  After Tesco we went for lunch at a noodle shop  Noi has been wanting to try.  The ladies working there were real nice and excited to learn about why Noi was with a Westerner.  This was one of the first Thai meals that I didn’t like.  The meat had a strange consistency and it was too spicy.  I didn’t eat the whole thing because it just got hotter and hotter until I felt like my lips might melt off.  It hurt for at least 30 minutes after. Am I allergic to chili?  How do people find this enjoyable?  How did the first person to try a chili think that this was a good idea to eat twice?

The subjects of conversation were religion (as usual) and politics.  She has been told that the US has great welfare and that the government pays to take care of all old people and poor people.  There are no poor people and no beggars in the US.  In the US when people get old, their children do not help them.  Thai children always help their parents.  I tried to explain that some do and some don’t.  This was difficult for her to understand. Americans are not helpful to other people.  She wanted to know if Thailand or America had more charities.  I have no idea.  I find that most of what Thais think of the US is black and white.  We are all one way or another.  There is no concept of how huge our country is and how diverse it’s people are.  There’s no concept that maybe it’s not that much different from Thailand and other countries.  Everything that is a Thai way belongs only to Thais.  For instance, Thai people are very nice.  This is true, but I have met some not nice ones too.  It is also true that I have met just as many nice Americans.  Is it possible that a more true statement is people are nice?  Then she asked what I was going to do later.  I told her I was going to get a massage.  She told me if I go once a week for massage I am addicted to massage.  That made me laugh.  I tried to explain why I thought it was important, but I just couldn’t.  She asked about the lady who does massage.  I told her sometimes it’s a man and sometimes his wife.  Men should only do massage for men, don’t you think?  I told her I was so glad that wasn’t true since he’s better than she is.  She asked  why I thought he was better and I told her he was more present.  She didn’t understand.  To her presence is the fact of being in the room and someone can’t be more or less present.  They are present or not.  I tried to explain presence from an energetic and spiritual sense, but  I’m sure I didn’t do a good job of it.  It’s too late in the day and my brain is already fried.  Then that led to “Do you believe in heaven?”  I swear we’ve had this conversation before.  I said I didn’t.  She proceeded to tell me about heaven and hell and doing good deeds in order to have a better life next time.  Maybe I just don’t know the facts and that’s why I don’t believe.  There was also an aspect where I’m from America so I must be Christian and I explained that I’m not Christian and not all of Americans are.  There was also a conversation about fortune tellers.  I said I didn’t believe in their predictions.  I don’t think anyone really knows the future, educated guesses can be made, but no one knows.  She educated me on fortune tellers, again, because I must not know about them or I’d believe.  I find her questions so challenging, but also fascinating as well.  With each conversation I become more and more sure that everything is just one.  There is no good or bad and no right answer.  There is no future to worry about and the past can no longer hurt me.

Then house and car stuff comes up and I lose the belief in no good or bad and no future for a little bit.  The guy living in my house wants to buy it, but for $40,000 less than I think it’s worth.  He want’s to buy my furniture, but isn’t willing to pay what I think it’s worth.  So, I’m looking into moving my furniture out and now I’m contacting realtors.  Money represents safety for me and thinking about it actually upsets me.  In a lot of areas of my life I no longer fear for my safety or worry about how things are going to turn out, but with money issues, I still do.  Maybe that’s why this appears to be so difficult right now.  So, I can learn to release my need for money to safety.  I remember childishly asking for life to provide me with some surprise money that would get me out of debt.  Then I will believe that everything is ok.   Of course that hasn’t happened.  Still, last week I got a bunch of checks in the mail that I had forgotten Jay mailed to me.  I was able to deposit them through an app on my phone.  It was around $300 which won’t even make a dent in my debt, but the timing of it sure made me laugh.  Of course, if surprise money in the amount of $30,000 comes my way, that will be ok too.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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Mulberries someone gave me
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Lemon Yellow Butterfly

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A lime the size of a grapefruit

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Yay! Indifference!

Yesterday I decided I had to get at least one lesson plan done and set an unrealistic goal of three.  I had some free time during school and got 4 lesson plans 90% done.  I consider that a win!  Maybe this lesson planning thing is possible after all.  I decided Today would be a day off from lesson planning since I have only one hour of free time during the day.  Tomorrow I set the goal to finish at least two and get at least a start on the rest.  Maybe I could get ahead by this weekend……

Today I had all the M2s and the Thai teacher wasn’t there.  M2 is 13 to 14 year olds.  It was so difficult to keep their attention for more than two seconds.  By the time I was done with three different M2 classes, I was exhausted.  The last class was so bad that when they asked to play a game, I wrote on the board “Class was not good = no game”.  Some got it, the rest didn’t even notice I had written something on the board.  I was exhausted, but I left for lunch with nothing but indifference.  I have experienced this a lot over the years.  It sounds like a negative thing, but it’s not.  I actually enjoy it, if you can say enjoy and indifference in the same sentence.  A lot of times we think of indifference as flippant or as a lack of good feelings.  Actually, it’s a lack of judgement either way.  There is no good or bad.  I didn’t withhold a game because I was upset or frustrated with the kids.  It just seemed like the correct consequence for their actions.  I didn’t much care if we played a game or not, learned English or not, or just stood there doing nothing.  It doesn’t matter, anything is fine.

I went to the canteen for lunch yesterday and today.  It still feels very uncomfortable to me.  Yesterday was quite scary.  I have no idea why it’s scary.  Maybe because I’m not sure if what I decide to eat will try to kill me with spice or not.  Maybe because I know it will be awkward not being able to talk to most of the teachers.  Of course, today was less scary because I was already in the indifference place.

For club today Pat had a game where there were questions in English on pieces of paper and the students had to pick one out of a bag and answer the question.  Then they had to ask each other and answer each other.  The questions were things like “What is your favorite color” or “How old are you”?  I thought they would hate the game.  They didn’t.  Who knew?

When I tried to buy a printer when I first moved here, Pat told me I could print anything I needed at school.  It has turned out to be so difficult.  They don’t seem to understand that I have to print stuff every week for classes.  It is a huge hassle to print stuff.  So, I bought a printer last month anyway.  It’s already out of ink.  My big task of the day was to attempt to find printer cartridges after school.  There is a shop with office supplies so I thought I would start there.  I find this scary, but I can do this.  Tip knew I was going to look for printer ink and she found me on my way there.  She was riding in her little golf cart thing and flagged me down.  She suggested a different store.  They put ink in my non refillable cartridges.  They seem to be working fine even though the printer keeps saying it’s low on ink.

Ton is a guy in my class with the monk.  He is the assistant to the Chinese medicine doctor at the hospital and is friends with Tip.  Last week Tip made the point of telling me that Ton is single and if I needed anything I could ask him.  She also made the point of telling me that Ton is not a man.  I think it’s very common in Thailand and very accepted that some people identify with the sexuality different from what they were born with.  I find it very interesting how not a big deal it is here when it’s such a topic of controversy in America right now.  I don’t see why it’s a big deal.  Unfortunately, I’m not attracted to Ton, male or female.  Tip made the point of telling me again today that Ton is single.

I have had a few conversations lately  about the fact that I’m leaving at the end of the semester to go home.  I never said I was going home, but that’s the word on the street.  I am so touched as they are truly confused as to why I am leaving and sad to hear I’m going.  I’ve been texting with Noi all night about it.  She said she was shocked and sad to hear I was leaving and wanted to know if I was unhappy here.  I feel guilty and then remind myself that it’s not my job to make everyone happy.  I also remind myself that I never planned on staying here forever.  They are a communal culture and we are an independent culture.  Of course, it’s difficult to understand why I would want something else or how I could come in, get to know them and then leave.  They don’t live like that.  I feel loved and cared for.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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One of my classrooms
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My favorite coffee shop if it’s not too hot out
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Making salad

Just Lesson Planning

Friday night I tried to work on lesson plans, but by 7:30pm I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I was real dizzy so I went to bed.  I slept for 12 hours.  And by sleep, I mean toss and turn, but that’s normal for me.  Wow, I never knew giving blood would put me down for days.

I did laundry and mopped the house Saturday morning.  I find that I have to mop every 3 or 4 days since there is all kinds of dead bugs, mouse and lizzard poop everywhere.  I hadn’t cleaned up after the termite invasion so it was good to mop.  I went to the coffee shop and worked on lesson plans all day.  I promised I myself I would leave by 4:00pm even if I wasn’t done with lesson plans.  I tried to leave at 4:00pm but it kept raining and it wasn’t a light rain, but a downpour.  So, I didn’t leave until 5:00pm.  It was still raining, but not bad.  I rode up to the massage place and the guy was in!  I’ve had massages from him and his wife.  She’s good, but he’s better so I was glad she wasn’t there.  Two hours of pain.  Everything hurts.  I really need this as part of my daily routine right now, but I just don’t have the time.  I feel like bodywork is an important part of working through some of the stuff that I’m trying to work through.  I’ve been doing conscious movement every day as well and trying to get my body to stop holding all this stuff it’s holding.  It feels like it’s holding more than usual, but I don’t think it’s actually more.  I think it’s just different stuff, stuff that can’t be worked through cognitively.  I wonder too, what taking blood and forcing my body to make a lot of new blood is doing.  It kind of feels like I had described before when I got sick and lost a lot of muscle weight.  I had felt I was at muscle zero and rebuilding from there was a good thing.  What if this is a rebuilding of the blood system?

Today, I went to the Sunday market.  I didn’t walk around for long, but long enough to run into the really nice guy that is always excited to talk to me.  He sells veggies.  He said he had missed seeing me at the market and was glad I was back.  I was going to cook today, but didn’t.  I spent the entire rest of the day getting all the lesson plans for this week in order.  I was hoping to get ahead of lesson planning today.  So, I’m a bit disappointed.  I’m also concerned that I will never be ahead and that I will spend all my free time doing lesson plans.  I’m also concerned that I might get behind at some point.  On one hand, I don’t have a ton else to do.  But, this isn’t how I want to spend the next 4 months either.  Everyone that offers me advice says stuff like just play more games.  But, I have to come up with the game and how does it teach English?  How does it teach English that isn’t too easy or too hard?  Half the games I’ve tried were a total fail.  Then people offer ideas that seem like they would be a ton more work and not actually make things easier.  Plus, people forget that the game has to be easy enough to explain with out using Thai. One person suggested I just go to Bangkok and buy some books.  With what money?  Bangkok is a 9-12 bus ride from here.  There is an overwhelming amount of information on line.  Half of it would work for kindergartners and the other half would work for university students.  The in between stuff is not useful.  I just hope that I get faster/better at this soon so that I can get ahead.  Or maybe sports week will happen again and I’ll have a whole week with no classes and I can get ahead.

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Trying to make Bali Cold Chocolate

Butterflies

It’s been raining everyday in the afternoon and sometimes at night.  This is bringing out a lot of lemon yellow butterflies.  They are very pretty.  How come lemon yellow butterflies are nice to see and termites, cockroaches, spiders or other bugs are not?  Why is one bug a positive thing and another is not?  Opposites – duality – not truth.  Now every time I see the butterflies, I question this belief system.  The long winged bugs in my house the other night were termites and are normal.  Noi told me she had to turn off all her lights and use only a flashlight.

Pat’s turned kind of cranky lately.  She’s been very unfriendly.  I assume I did something to upset her.  As much as people talk about how nice the Thai people are, the issue I have with that is that if something is wrong, they won’t tell you.  They will just smile and pretend to be nice.  I know a lot of people find this a pleasant thing, but I don’t.  So, I probably will never know what upset her.

Today someone brought me bananas and I have no idea who.  One was another double banana – two bananas in one peel.  This makes me happy.  Noi brought me a Chinese dumpling thing and a can of mystery milk.  I drank the milk and still don’t know what flavor it was.  The can says white malt, but it didn’t taste like malt.  It has a bear and wheat on it.  Maybe it was wheat flavored or bear flavored.

Today I saw two girls walking into the language building with their hands tied together.  At first I thought it was some friendship thing.  Then I saw them sitting on the floor talking to Pat and they were both almost in tears and appeared very shameful as if they being tied together was some price they paid for doing something wrong.  I assume they spent the whole lunch period tied together and were telling Pat what they learned so they could get untied.  They were sitting on the floor because Pat was sitting.  Any time a student passes in front of a teacher, they bow their head lower so if they want to talk to the teacher and the teacher is sitting, they have to sit on the floor so they will be lower.  I find this custom to be both respectful and annoying.  I still can’t get use to students doing this to me.  Or when they wai to me I’m not supposed to wai back, but I feel that I have just as much respect for them and I want to wai back.  I usually just nod my head back.  I’ve also seen some other punishment that I’ve found either disturbing, or at least strange.  If a boy’s hair is too long, a teacher will take scissors to it and cut huge patches out in front of all the other students.  Then they walk around with some short hair, some shorter and patches missing altogether.  None of them actually have long hair to begin with.  Then they have to go home and shave it to get it back to all one length.  I’ve seen students hit with a cane.  I’ve seen them doing pushups – and they were the worst form I’ve ever seen.  I saw one student get a sign stapled to his shirt and he had to go through lunch with it on.  I asked Pat what it was for and she said he had tried to touch a girl’s boobs so they put the sign on him.

Near the end of the school day, Tip texted me to tell me she was getting ready to go to yoga.  What?  There’s a yoga class here?  How come I don’t know about this?  Is there a gym no one’s told me about?  No.  I got excited over nothing.  Tip is friends with the Chinese Medicine doctor and her assistant at the hospital.  Ton is the assistant and has been teaching Tip yoga.  Jeab and Ton are in my class with the monk so I went after school to join Tip for yoga.  They started at 4:00 and I was late since I’m in school until 4:00 so I only had 20 minutes of yoga. It was just Ton, Tip and I.  It kind of resembled yoga as I know it.  The only reason I broke a sweat is because there is no air con in that part of the hospital.  Still, better than no exercise which has been my exercise plan lately.

Tip took me to a shop with a really nice lady that makes salads, burgers and coffee.  She was really nice and gave me her number so I can call ahead next time I want a salad.  She makes her own dressings too.  This means I can get a salad without that mayonnaise like dressing that is all I can find elsewhere!  Score.  We went to the market.  Tip has a little golf cart like thing that we drove from her house to the other side of the hospital where the market it is.  It was like speed walking through the market.  She was on a mission and didn’t want to do much else.  I was ok with this as I was getting tired and wanted to go home.

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Termite aftermath
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Yay! Double bananas.

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Speed Shower

Yesterday, I taught a half a class instead of 4.  But since this is my 2nd week at school, it was probably time to teach something.  By the afternoon it was looking like it would rain.  The wind was strong which I liked because it maid me feel cooler.  I saw part of the hill on fire – I think it might have been lightning.  I got home and had running water!  And by running water, I don’t mean what you are use to at home, but enough to take a shower and as much as I’ve ever had here.  I took one of the fastest showers ever because I’m now wondering when the water may run out.  If everyone comes home and takes a bath or shower or does dishes or laundry, there may be no water.  Or maybe the amount of water has nothing to do with anything and is random.  I think it’s random.  So, speed shower time.  But it was delightful to wash my hair!  Yay! I ate dinner while it poured rain.  After, it stopped raining, I went to the massage place.  I wasn’t sure if I was too late, but if I was, they didn’t turn me away.  It’s weird because it’s in someone’s home.  There is no massage shop with hours on the door here.  My entire body is a mess.  My joints hurt.  My legs are tight.  My back is all rope, no muscles.  I think my hands have been feeling numb lately because my back and shoulders are cutting off the circulation.  Disaster.  But, I plan to go to massage at least once a week and do my conscious movement at home and investigate what I’m holding.  I suspect this is part of the final battle of the ego.

This morning’s guest in my bathroom was a snake.  Thank god it was after I was dressed and ready for work or it could have been more than I could handle.  I called Q over.  He came over with a stick taller than me.  He meant business.  By the time he got here I couldn’t see it.  So, I assumed it went under the tub.  My tub is about 4 feet high by 1 foot across by 3 feet wide.  Q is now standing on top of the tub with a giant stick poking the stick everywhere.  No snake.  He finally climbs down off the tub and we agree that it’s not to be found right now.  I show him a picture and his response is “Oh, I think it is little”.  Ugh.  I don’t care. Little snakes can be just as deadly.  He said he would tell the janitor to chase it out.  Poor janitor has become so busy trying to fix all the problems this crazy western girl has.  Q shut the bathroom door and suggested I keep it shut.  In theory, that’s a great idea, but there is a 6″ gap at the bottom of the door that’s not stopping anything.  I rush to get ready to go and look in the bathroom one more time to see the snake near the toilet.  I don’t know what to do so I tried bug spray.  He didn’t like that and thankfully slithered out the drain hole in the wall.  But, if he got out, the screen on the outside of the hole isn’t doing it’s job and he could come back in later.  This might explain the disappearing frogs I had in February.  I think I’d rather have the frogs back.

Still, I went to school feeling terrified of my bathroom, but not feeling much else.  The whole day was kind of indifferent.  I think the massage last night released some of the stuff I was holding on to and now there’s no thought that I can’t survive this.  I’m pretty resolved that I’m leaving after September.  It doesn’t feel like an escape or a running away or an avoiding, but more like a decision made.

Last semester I had 16 classes a week.  This semester they changed it to 17 and today I was told I would be teaching another advanced class so 18.  I had 4 classes this morning with no break. From nothing for a week to full on.  It was ok though.  I like the advanced class.  It’s only 20 students instead of 50 which is nice too.  The other classes went fine too.  It will be a lot of work having this many classes, but what else do I have to do?

In the afternoon, Noi came to get me.  They are still having issues with my work permit.  This time the problem is that the date on my visa doesn’t match the date my passport was stamped as coming into the country. And neither one matches the date of the request for the work permit.  How can these people deal with granting work permits if they don’t know how it works?  I had to get my visa before I came to Thailand so the dates will never match.  I came under a visa that is for the purpose of finding a job so it will never match the date I got the job.  So, we had to drive to Tak 45 minutes away to meet with them to try to work it out.  I think it’s worked out now, but I have no idea.  After, Noi had to go get supplies for the the school store and to make decorations for an upcoming holiday.  We go to the school supply store in Tak.  I sat in the school supply store forever waiting and sweating.  I find the stores here to be interesting.  There is so much stuff and yet, hardly any stuff, all at the same time.  The variety of stuff is what there is a lot of, but the amount of each thing is what there is hardly any of.  So, there are school uniforms – so many colors and styles for all the different schools, but only 5 or 6 of each kind.  There is tape, glue, pens, highlighters, paper, and so many things, but only one bin of pens or 7 folders.  It was so hot.  I would scratch my arm or back and my fingernails would come up so dirty.  I think I’ll just be constantly sweating and dirty here.  We went to a second school supply store, but this one went quicker.

Then we went to dinner.  She asked what I wanted and I told her something with vegetables.  I was hoping for a salad, but not counting on it existing in Tak.  She took me to a sukiyaki place.  She ordered a plate full of mushrooms and tofu and some vegetables. I don’t like mushrooms, but I wasn’t specific enough and I did ask for vegetables.  There’s a hot plate built into the table and you cook the soup right there.  Overall it was pretty good.  After dinner she wanted to show me the hanging bridge in Tak.  There’s a park near the river and a suspension foot bridge.  The river is very wide here so the bridge is quite long.  It looks like a miniature Golden Gate Bridge.  It bounces and sways in the wind.  There is a night market next to it.  There were quite a few people wandering around the market and walking over the bridge.  The people wandering around and hanging out gave the area a wonderful energy.  There was a nice breeze that made the evening feel comfortable.  It was a very pleasant evening.

By the ride home, my brain is exhausted.  Even though her English is better than most, it’s still very difficult to understand her.  She loves to talk and I’m just tired from trying to follow and answer and explain.  Then she pulls out the big guns.  “If you have no religion, how do you know how to behave correctly”?  I’m not sure if she means me or if this is the collective you.  My brain goes all foggy and I feel quite grounded.  I feel like I understand the answer to this question fully, but have no words or energy left to explain it.  I have no desire to answer the questions, but that would be rude so I try the best I can to explain what I believe.  I think it’s possible to live in harmony with life, other people, the world around you because it’s the right way to live, not because your religion tells you to.  I don’t think I did a good job of explaining.  She asked if I could forgive people.  I explained that it sometimes it was difficult, but most of the time, yes, it’s very easy.  If you see the truth of the situation, you will see that the other person didn’t do anything wrong or they acted out of fear or some other emotion or that you are reacting out of fear or some other emotion.  Again, I don’t know that this translated either.  But she now thinks I’m an amazing person that forgives easily.  Then she went on for the rest of the ride about if you live a good life and don’t do bad things and give money and prayers to the temple, you will come back in your next life with everything you need.  You will be rich, smart and happy.  If you do bad things in this life you will come back as an animal or have a bad life or come back with no body so no one can see you.  I use to believe in karma, but have since decided I don’t buy into in the hard and fast rule that if you do good this life you will be rewarded in the next.  I do believe the energy you put out is the energy you will get back. All I could see as she spoke tonight was the fear of bad and clinging to maybe the future will be good.  What a wicked game we play.

Tonight I took another speed shower, but mostly because I’m afraid of what is lurking in the corners or under the tub.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

 

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My new “couch”
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My bored at the shop face
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School supply store
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Another school
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They leave the plastic on their charms
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plate of mushrooms

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Thoughts

Yesterday I got a body scrub.  It’s the first time I’ve felt clean in over a week.  I just am hot and sweaty all the time in Sam Ngao and I don’t feel like I’m really getting clean when I shower only to be sweating 3 minutes later.  Then Wednesday I didn’t have any water at the house so there was no shower to be had.  I had some coffee shop time, some pool and read Game of Thrones time and I did some coloring in my new Under the Sea coloring book.

I tried Tinder again.  Made some matches and chatted with a few guys.  I was hoping to meet someone to have dinner with, but didn’t.  I posted about it on facebook and got a bunch of replies cheering me on or telling me how to Tinder better.  At some point it just seems like a lot of work and by the time I was hungry I was glad to go eat alone.  I need to move somewhere cooler.  I think the heat takes all my energy and motivation.  Of course, I’m also questioning all my thoughts and beliefs about ‘alone’ too since that has historically been my biggest issue.  In the past I would swing between craving a relationship and not wanting to be around any people.  Now it no longer feels like a swing with big highs or lows on either side.  It feels more like an electrical short.  One minute I want company and conversation, the next I want to sit alone, then another minute I’m completely indifferent.  It switches so quickly that it feels silly to make any plans because it’s going to change.  It switches quickly, but none of it has much emotional charge to it.  There’s no craving, no sadness, no longing, just a quickly changing preference.  Now if only that would happen with my opinion of the heat…..

Today has been uneventful – breakfast and more coloring.  I ventured out to explore more of Chaing Mai and then went and hid from the heat in a coffee shop.  Think I’ll try to explore more after I write this blog.  Or give up and go back to the pool.

So, those of you following how I find AH Almaas relevant to my journey, the rest of this is for you.  I know that I’m not seeing life correctly.  With this knowledge, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do.  There is no real basis for waking up with the dreads, not liking teaching, hating the heat or thinking I should be planning what is next.  The chapter I’m reading is talking about how the world we live in is all concepts in our mind.  “Even if our mental world is lonely, and we gain little pleasure from our experiences, our thoughts are familiar and give us an illusion of security and control that binds us to them. We may see no alternative to this way of understanding ourselves and our world.  Because we believe it’s reality.  How can we think of an alternative?  Even if we think of and long for freedom, we think of freedom within that world”.  He suggested a meditation where you observe your thoughts.  Not the content of the thoughts, don’t try to figure out what they mean, but just notice the thinking process.  When does the thought arise, when does it stop, how long is the gap before the next thought arises?  It doesn’t matter what the thought is about or how it makes you feel, just look at the strings of thoughts and gaps.  No need to do something or react to the thought, see it as thinking itself.  I’ve tried this a few times.  It’s interesting.  That’s all I’m going to say about it right now.  Try it and see for yourself.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore20160512_144023_resized

 

Daylight

Daylight helps so much.  Nothing looks quite as dire during the day.  I woke up not happy, but not completely covered in bugs so that’s a plus.  I hardly slept at all last night.  It was so hot that I just laid in bed sweating trying to lay as close to the edge as I could so I got full effect of the fan.  I’m still amazed how much my face can sweat.  I noticed that I’m just holding all the stress of it all kind of like holding my breath, waiting until September.  I can’t hold my breath until September.  I can’t live like this that long.  I still don’t know how to let the holding go.  I tried to cry or get angry, but it’s not an emotional thing.  I’ve done that work for years.  Cognitively I understand that it’s an issue of seeing.  None of this looks the way I wanted it to.  The fairy tale I was fed as a child isn’t true.  No knight in shining armor is coming to save me.  I wanted a more comfortable life than this.  I wanted to live in a different culture, but in a city with expats I could be friends with and the ability to get around easier.  And then I wanted the next step in my process to present itself easily.  And some how money would appear and I’d live happily ever after.  It doesn’t look like that.  I need to see differently.  Last night as I typed that I was feeling broken, I thought maybe I need to be broken.  Maybe it’s like losing all that muscle I lost a few months ago, where I felt that I had to lose it all to start over.  Maybe I have to be broken, have everything I want not possible so I can let go of how it “should be” and really see.  Maybe it’s already happening.

The janitor came over and finished covering holes in my house.  There are so many he didn’t do because it would take a month full time to cover every hole, but I think we got the ones that mice and tokays could get through.  Speaking of mice, I found the one living in my bathroom.  We both chased him around for 5 minutes and then he disappeared.  Like magic.  I have no idea where he went.  So mind boggling.  There must be a secret trap door that only mice and frogs know about.

Now I’m sitting in the coffee shop  in air conditioning and wondering how they can actually get that much sugar to dissolve in a latte.  On my way here, I ran into one of the teachers, Pit.  I don’t know Pit’s actual title, but he’s kind of like an assistant principle.  He and one of the other teachers looked so happy to see me.  They both mentioned the air conditioning.  So, I will have air con in the future.  As usual, I’m not clear on the full content of the conversation, but I think the air con unit will be here on the 15th.

So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to try putting tags in my blog so that they are searchable by others.  Or at least, that’s what I think it will do.  I’m not sure because the whole thing about hashtags has me mystified.  I understand it makes things searchable, but I have no idea who is searching for some of the things I’ve seen hashtagged.  I have no idea how someone goes about searching.  And above all I have no idea why.  So, if you get a bunch of emails in the near future saying I updated a blog, sorry.  I don’t know if WordPress sends an email every time I make and update or only when I post a new blog. Also, if you have any good ideas of hashtags I should use, let me know.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Back to Thailand

Yesterday I left Singapore and flew to Bangkok and then to Chaing Mai.

The Singapore airport is amazing.  There is art everywhere.  There are at least 2 gardens in each terminal.  It’s easy to get around.  They have reclining chairs in case you want to relax.  They have lounges, tv rooms, a pool, and a movie theater.  .  I heard they had free massage chairs, but I didn’t find them.  One of the gardens was a butterfly garden.  I went early just to see the butterfly garden.

Bangkok airport has no gardens.

The strange food story of the day…..Mochi.  I like the gummy mochi candy you can get in the US at yogurt places.  I love mochi balls (ice cream wrapped in mochi).  I saw this mochi dessert on the airplane menu each time I flew.  Then a video of it appeared on facebook on someone’s page as clear cake (it resembles cake in no way at all).  So, it was time to try it.  It is a clear tasteless jelly.  Then you pour a brown uneventful syrup on it and top it with crushed nuts.  It was good enough that I ate it all, but there is no reason you should ever pay money to eat this.

I got to my hotel in Chaing Mai, only it wasn’t a hotel, but an apartment complex.  The guards had no idea what to do with me.  I had no idea where to go.  I called the number on my reservation, but it said “this number is not available right now”.  I sat in the guard’s office for a while trying to figure out what to do when someone called me.  He said his wife emailed me (I didn’t receive an email).  The key was at the guard’s shack.  So, it appears I rented a 2 bedroom apartment.  I’d actually rather have a hotel, but it is a real nice apartment.  There’s air conditioning which I won’t see for 5 months, a gym and a pool.  The location seems good – near a mall, plenty of restaurants, and massage places.  I ate at a restaurant that only serves made to order salads.  That made me feel a little better.  Then a massage.  I was going to do a massage and a body scrub, but if I ordered two services, they would tack on another 50 baht in addition to the regular cost of the two services.  This marketing approach is backwards and didn’t work.  I gave up on the body scrub.

Today I signed up for private Thai language lessons for tomorrow and Saturday, 3 hours each.  I’m not sure if my brain can handle 3 hours each day, but any new Thai I can learn will be helpful.  All of the classes I looked up on the internet last night were longer – weeks or more so that is why I did the private lessons.

I went to the hospital.  I had to do the health certificate again since the one I did in February is now outdated.  This is for my work permit.  The first hospital I went to was a mass of people and no English anywhere.  I couldn’t tell if I was in the emergency room, the general hospital or what.  There were many windows and steps to go through, but I couldn’t figure out where to start.  I knew there was a more foreigner friendly hospital somewhere so I found it on google maps and went there instead.  Within 30 seconds of being there, I was pointed in the right direction.  Then began the game of move Rraine from seat to seat to room to seat to room.  Overall, it didn’t take very long.  They actually took blood which was more than the last place I had this done did.

I had to wait 2 hours for my tests to come back to get my certification.  So I went and got lunch.  There was a mall with a pizza hut and another pizza place.  I opted for the other pizza place.  My pizza looked and tasted suspiciously like pizza hut though.  I was able to find the phone store and get my internet issues resolved (in theory – haven’t tried it out yet).  I got my certification.  I didn’t look at it because it was in a sealed envelope.  I assume I’m healthy enough to work in Thailand.  The blood test was for syphilis.  I think you have to have sex to get that so I should be good to go.

While I was waiting for the certification, I got a message from the owner of the condo.  He wanted to know if I could move to the room I actually rented today.  Huh?  With all that confusion yesterday, this isn’t even the right room.  Ok, not a big deal I guess.  I told him what time I’d be back and he said he’d have the maid change keys with me.  This didn’t go so smoothly either.  The new room hadn’t been cleaned.  It was a mess and had no clean towels or sheets.  I went to the pool hoping the problem would solve itself.  A lot of messaging back and forth and now someone is cleaning my new room.

Thoughts of the day though:  This morning when everything went so smoothly with the language lessons, hospital and phone store (the three main things I needed to do today), I felt good and thought I might accomplish everything today .  I wanted to finish blogs, do some engineering work and finish lesson plans too.  Ha – too ambitious.  Then the dirty room dashed all of that.  Now I’m cranky and grumpy and have a bit of a poor me thing going on.  Such a little thing.  So, I know this is no big deal, but the old nervous system pattern is getting triggered that makes me feel bad when things are out of my control and not going the way I want.  It’s not panic, but a dulled down version of panic.  The new learning of the day is I’ve never been a person to panic.  That’s rarely, if ever, a reaction I have.  I realize that in the past I couldn’t actually panic because then there’d be no control over the situation I already have no control over.   I can keep from panicking, but I can’t seem to let the dulled down reaction go either.  Of course, the bigger issue is that I don’t actually have control over anything and I’m in the process of letting the ego’s control go and learning to go with the flow of life.  Another tiny layer of the onion can now fall away as I see the dulled down panic as a control defense.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

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One of the airport gardens
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More airport gardens
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At the airport – yay!

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Mochi Series – Picture 1 – packaged for airplane
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Mochi Series – Picture 2 – Add the syrup
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Mochi Series – Picture 3 – Add the nuts
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Mochi Series – Picture 4 – Eat
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I have no idea – just found it at a coffee shop