After breakfast and some pool time, my friend arrived at the hotel. We changed rooms in the hotel. We went to Seminyak beach which is a busier beach than the one the hotel is near. It still wasn’t the crowded mess I had heard of. The streets in Seminyak were crowded with traffic and lined with stores, but it had a nice feel to it, I thought. We went in search of a place that would do henna tattoos, but failed on that hunt. Better hunting tomorrow. They do the bean bag beach bars here too, but there’s a lot more of them. I got some pictures of them after they had set up for the sunset crowd. I didn’t get any pictures of them at sunset, but it was nice to just sit in bean bags and watch the waves come in. We also bought a couple of movies to take back to the hotel. I was surprised that Allegiant was already out. But when we went to buy it, they said it might not be good quality. Aha, it’s an illegal copy. We got it anyway. It was ok quality.
I’m feeling a combination of opposites. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of being alone. I don’t want to go back to work, but I’m missing the lack of routine. I’m tired of doing. I’m tired of sitting still. I feel out of place. I don’t like heat. I don’t like heat – oh wait, no opposite there. I feel like I should decide what I’m going to do with my life after teaching. But why do I have to decide that now? How is making a decision now living in the flow of life? I’m trying to live now and the future keeps hopping into my thoughts. When it does, it brings anxiety and “should” and exhaustion. Overall, I spend an enormous amount more of my time living now, but the future still has a bit of a hold on me. And, now that I am so much more aware, I can feel what living for the future does to a body so much stronger. So, I just watch it when it happens and note how it makes me feel and question who is watching. I think this is all part of a bigger shift trying to happen.
I found it easier when I was watching the sunset yesterday to just melt into oneness and now than I did tonight. I think it’s harder for me when I’m with other people. I still have thoughts that tell me I have to be a certain way, have conversations, do things, be witty, be nice, behave like all the other people, etc.
My experience with making a plan is that 90% of the time nothing goes according to the plan. Still, we make plans. Today was no different. The first beach I chose was supposed to have the blackest sand on this side of Bali according to the guide book. I got there and it was a construction zone. Machines were moving large boulders around. The tide was in so there was no beach. I could tell that if there had been a beach, it would have had very black sand. So, back into the POS to find the next beach. I got to see rice fields on the way to and from the beach so, check! – Picture of rice fields. Now, one of the side roads I was going to take later to see rice fields didn’t need to happen. The next beach was supposed to have a ton of mica in the sand so it’s extra glittery. I like glitter. There was a parking lot and some Bali restaurants and not much else. Since the tide was still in, the water came up to the wall. I could tell from the parking lot, that, yes, this would be a glittery beach, but not right now. I tried to order lunch, but all they had was fish. How do you have fish, but not shrimp? Then again, Google Translator could be lying. It does that often. I gave up and decided to eat lunch at the next beach. The next beach was not part of the plan, but I was determined to get a beach. No, not a beach. It was a harbor for a very large ferry and more dive operations than I’ve ever seen in one location. I did find a restaurant for lunch though. So, that’s the end of the beach portion of the plan and we are 0 for 3.
At many points of the day I am sweating so hard that I think water is pouring out of my face. I didn’t think a face could sweat that much. I grew up in Florida, but I don’t remember heat and humidity like this.
I decided to head to the place I’m staying tonight. The road goes more inland. There is a water temple on the way which is the next part of the plan. Google Maps decides to not work so we are going by signs and the map in the guide book. It shouldn’t be an issue to get to Amed without google maps, but the water temple is probably a loss and hopefully the resort is easy to find when I get to Amed.
I’ve finally figured out what the white stripes on the road mean. If you see a white stripe on the road, there is a driving lane to the left of the stripe, a driving lane to the right of the stripe and a driving lane straddling the stripe. At some point the road narrowed and buildings lined both sides of the road so there was no way to pull over, stop and check the map. The road wound up and down with huge curves. Often, the buildings would go away on one side of the road revealing stunning views. I couldn’t take pictures of any of it because there was no where to stop and I need both my hands to drive. The signs did not lead me astray though. I only missed one turn – the one to the water temple.
I saw an area with about 20 cars parked so I assumed that might be the temple. I had to drive quite a distance before I found a place I could turn around. I wasn’t going to miss everything on the plan though so I went back and it was the parking for the water temple! Actually, it wasn’t a temple, but a water palace. Taman Tirta Gangga was built in 1948 and has two swimming ponds, and a bunch of other ponds with fountains and koi in them. My favorite had stepping stones at water level so it felt like you were walking on water. They led different paths through the water like a labyrinth. As I headed back to my car there was a guy with snakes you could pay to pose with for pictures. He also had a bat and tiny owls. OWLS. My distaste of animal tourism out the window. Hell yea, I’ll pay you to hold a tiny owl and get my picture taken.
After that I headed to Amed by way of sign instead of electronic map. The road got smaller and smaller until it was slightly larger than one lane. Yet from the signs advertising guesthouses and scuba diving, I knew I was on the right path. I almost missed the sign that pointed to the place where I’m staying, but managed to hit the brakes and turn at the last second. I parked near the entrance and a guy asked if I was Kim.
This is no five star resort, but I’m in love with it. The dive shop is at the same place as the hotel so I was able to check in and I don’t have far to go tomorrow morning. There are a row of rooms on either side of a courtyard. Almost the entire courtyard is taken up by a pool. There’s a restaurant and a short distance from the restaurant and the pool is a black sand beach. You can see huge mountains when you are in the ocean. Each room has a covered deck looking out to the ocean and the decks all have bean bag chairs on them. My room is large, very yellow and has a bed built into the middle of the room. I can hear the ocean from my room. I stayed here for dinner because I’ve had enough venturing out for today and because I love this place. The food was great and I got to catch up on yesterday and today’s blogs.
I checked in with Mom. My brother is there again. They were getting ready to go to the funeral of my cousin’s son. The funeral for my Mom’s husband is Saturday. I wish I could be there. I’ve been struggling with feeling like I should go back and feeling very strongly that it isn’t the right decision. There’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want to go back to Sam Ngao and teach. That part is telling me to move back to the US. To stay in Sam Ngao would be the more difficult choice. I don’t feel that it’s the right time to go back to the US. I’m stuck again in the place of what “should” I do. I’m thinking of the future instead of being here. I’m feeling like I need to have a plan, make a decision, control the situation. But, I know that this is all part of the learning. The truth is that I don’t know the right answer, I don’t have to make a decision now and if I control the situation, it will not turn out happy for me. So, as uncomfortable as it is for me, I wait. I wait for life to unfold and happen the way it should.
I also had the thought on the dive boat yesterday that I would love to be on a boat and diving every day. Then I had the thought that I don’t have the money to get my dive master certification and it would be a hard life financially. I see that I took something wonderful that I was enjoying and in my head made it impossible to have that as my life. Instead, my life will be teaching in Sam Ngao, moving to Wisconsin which I have no desire to do, or some unknown other thing that is also ok, but I don’t love it. So, the belief that there’s not enough for me is still in operation at a very subtle level. I can never really have what I want. This has been one of my core issues. I want to love my life. I want to love my work and have it be enough financially. I want to put an end to drama and the need for there to always be some hurdle to get over. And it’s tied to doing and planning. And it’s tied to what’s going on with Mom. And it’s tied to the dissolving of the ego. So for now, I have no plan and I don’t know what I’m going to do in a couple weeks when vacation is over. I have no idea how I’m going to get that job I love or what that job is. I’m just watching what comes up and noticing it.
I had an interesting thought today. If, in my 20s, I had done what I’m doing now, people would say I was traveling and living abroad to find myself. I thought, what an interesting twisted concept. So many times I’ve heard people say they are taking time off to find themselves. It’s self identification that is the source of issues. And yet, finding oneself is often a lofty goal. On many occasions, when people ask why I moved abroad, I said to shake things up, to get lost. I’m trying to lose myself.
I just finished a week of an Awakening to Presence workshop in Pennsylvania. The workshop was amazing as always. I feel blessed to be able to witness the work of so many beautiful people and to be able to support them. I love watching the other assistant teachers step into their leadership. And it’s amazing to watch True Nature show up to show us what we are. I said goodbye to most of this group in June because I wasn’t sure when I was leaving. It was difficult to say goodbye again. I felt their love and respect which reminds me of why I am doing this work and why I am leaving. Part of why I am leaving is for me, my adventure, my learning and my experience. But I do believe this adventure will deepen my presence. It feels more like a widening than a deepening. If I can go out and explore the world with a wide openness, what will I find? If I can find it safe, rich, enjoyable and full, even in the midst of chaos, unfamiliarity, and fear, can I hold that knowledge in my body and my energy? Can I hold that for myself and others? I cognitively know this and I know this a bit from my experiences recently, but now I’m jumping off in the deep unknown to really test it so I may know it fully. I hope that others will follow me in their own way to knowing.
Today was run errands day. I went for a hike. Not sure why, but lately when I hike I do it with my glasses off. Everything is blurry, but I still feel compelled to do it. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why. The pictures do not represent the way I actually saw it.
I went on facebook this morning and saw pictures of a bunch of my friends at dinner the night before for a friend’s birthday. Why wasn’t I invited? I feel like all the people I invite to do things with me don’t think to invite me. Am I the friend no one really likes, but no one wants to tell? Why do I go through so much effort to include people or spend time with people who are not willing to do the same for me? Am I choosing friends unwisely? Why does everyone else seem to have a close group of friends and I’m always sort of a friend? I feel if I stopped reaching out, I’d only have 3 or 4 friends. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Am I not lovable? Am I just preparing to leave the country and life is just making it easier to go? I think this a common human issue and a lot of us feel like this not knowing it just isn’t true. Not realizing a lot of other people feel this way too. Or knowing it’s a lie, but not knowing how to stop the reaction from happening.
I had a session with my coach today and a lot of this came up in the session. Summary of the process: I feel like a small child in a dark room crying out for help and no one is coming. This comes up a lot for me in process. I felt the infant cry so hard until the nervous system had to shut down to keep the baby from dying. Something is wrong and I cry out, but no one is coming and I can’t fix it. I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t do it and no one else will. As an infant the only thing I could do was shut down and energetically leave my body because I couldn’t fix what was wrong. I can’t move forward. I can’t move because if I do, no one will follow. If I move forward, I will have to do it alone. I will be alone in the world. I feel like the sales brochure for life was wrong. I paid for, signed up for two. I was promised two. There is no two, it’s just me. No mommy is coming to help me. No mate is coming to share his life with me. There is no knight is shining armour (stupid stupid fairy tales). There is no two. There never was. I feel lied to. This is not what I came here for. Near the end of the process I felt like my arms and legs were disintegrating, slowing evaporating up off the table. This was fascinating. I was becoming not solid. I was disintegrating into everything around me – ONE. There was a small part of me that wasn’t happy about this experience. If I disintegrate, I will be nothing. I don’t want to be nothing. If I’m not part of two, am I nothing?
Still really enjoying reading Diamond Heart Book 4. Whenever I read anything from AH Almaas, it feels like he wrote the exact thing I needed to read that very day. This is what stuck with me today: “White blood cells defend and protect and then they are cleaned out of the body. The personality defends and protects. It needs to be clarified”. I’ve been sick a lot this year. Does the body go through a similar cleaning process as the personality is being clarified?
I was reading Diamond Heart Book 4 today. It started out talking about how people that claim instant Realization and that realization doesn’t happen this way. It’s not instant, it’s nonlinear, it’s a process. I was just discussing this with Lisa and how I want to write about my process in this blog. As I was reading this, I could see colors swirling on the white page. Fun!
More pottery not selling today. By the end of the weekend I had broken even – sold enough to cover the hotel and booth fee. This weekend did not follow my ego plan. The question of what is the point of this weekend was not answered. I just left feeling tired and frustrated. Maybe there isn’t a point to everything. Maybe things are just random sometimes. I’m trying to find a point or a silver lining to offset that the weekend didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I’m trying to turn “bad” into “good” by looking for some higher purpose. I can only accept that my plan failed if something good comes out of it. The reality is that bad and good are my interpretation of the situation. They aren’t real. The reality is I went to an art show, sold a few things and then came home. The frustration, the thought that it should be different, the negative feelings, the search for the positive is all an ego game. What a dumb game – I lose every time.
I’ve spent most of my life living at the male end of the energy spectrum. I’ve always had more male friends than female. I’m focused, purpose driven and like to get things done. I was always good at math and science in school and little patience for girly things. I was a tom boy who preferred to be climbing trees than playing with dolls. I went to college to be and engineer and have worked in that field for over 20 years. I’ve been single for most of my adult life. I had one boyfriend for 3 years, one for 1 year and I was with my Scott for a total of 5 years (2 married). All my other relationships have been quite short. I’ve now been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want. I have been struggling over the years with issues I have with alone and loneliness. I’ve been struggling with not knowing what I want. I’ve been craving a romantic relationship, but just not finding what I want. At a young age, I rejected the ultra feminine. I see it as mushy, weak, indecisive, high maintenance, dumb, and not powerful. At some level, I’m rejecting myself, I’m rejecting my creativity and passion. On an energetic level, I am only finding men that will reject me. Over and over again, I find someone that is interested in me only to have them leave me for someone else. This issue of my lost femininity has come up a lot and recently it has become clear to me that it might be core of a lot of my issues. I have been actively work on this for about a year now. For a while I tried to just be present when I was out and see if I was energetically more on the male or female side of the spectrum. I would try to be more feminine. All I found from this experiment was that I couldn’t change at will. I can’t “do” feminine.
This adventure to live in another country is an exercise of throwing myself into the feminine and seeing what it’s like. I don’t know where I’m going, or how, and I don’t fully know why. I’m trying to trust that the flow of life will determine what is next. I’m throwing away the need for a plan, the need to control the situation. It’s been very uncomfortable. For quite a while I had no idea what part of the world I would be going to. I had no idea how I would get there, what I would do to make money. At first I thought I should know and have a plan. When people would ask me, I’d say I didn’t know and then try to say something to justify why I didn’t know yet. I could see the disapproval or terror in most people’s eyes. I felt flighty and irresponsible for not knowing what I was doing. I felt like I appeared that I wasn’t taking it seriously enough. After a while I just got tired of explaining and I just felt frustrated because I didn’t have what I thought was a good enough reason for being wishy washy. At that point, when people would ask me when and where I was moving, I’d just say soon and somewhere or I don’t know. I would still see the judgement and terror in their eyes, but the most amazing thing happened when I would just leave the answer at that and not try to explain or justify. The judgement on their faces would disappear and was replaced with excitement or awe or respect. This happened only every time. Most people would say something like “that is so brave” or “I wish I could do that” or some other powerful statement. Wait, this not knowing, not having a plan, feminine flighty thing I’m doing is actually not weak or indecisive, but actually brave and powerful. (I still find it extremely uncomfortable).
Rraine Drops 