Not much new. Lesson plans, teaching, market, too tired in the evening to do anything, sleep, repeat.
So, I leave you with another Almass quote that I read today. I’m having more and more moments of feeling fuzzy and feeling like nothing is quite real. I think this is dis-identification of the body. So, of course, this chapter has perfect timing, again.
“We are continuously concerned about what happens to the body – about whether the body is comfortable or not, whether the body is getting what it wants or not. Is the body getting comfort and pleasure, or is it in pain? Is it secure from threat? Is the body liked or not liked? Is it thin or fat? Tall or short? All these are big concerns in our minds. Our deepest issues are based on physical concerns, rather than concerns about whether we are loving, compassionate, or free. Even though we might have these latter concerns, they are not as fundamental as our involvement with our physical body and our physical world”.
Oh, and random photos, I leave you with random photos.
Lately my spiritual investigation is about living in the future. I find myself thinking about the future a lot. When I’m living in the future, I’m missing now. When your house scares you and your job overwhelms you it’s easy to assume the future will be better and to think about that. But, then that adds stress too because I have no idea what I’m going to do in the future and I feel like I should have a plan since it’s only a few months away. I can’t stop it from happening – my mind jumping to the future, but I can notice it when it happens. Just the practice of noticing is helping me to bring my attention back to now. I don’t want to miss all that is going on now. I’ve been able to relax more. I’ve been able to enjoy what I do like about here more. I want to spend more time with my friends here and more time exploring Thailand before I have to leave. And of course, I want to spend more time everyday present instead of in the future. I already spend a lot of my time in presence, but little bit by little bit, it’s more time spent in presence.
Hand in hand with the future is the need for a to-do list. I’ve always used a to-do list to keep things in order. If I didn’t, I’d forget so much or I’d drive myself nuts trying to not forget. I learned a long time ago that if I kept a to-do list I could relax more. When I set out on this adventure one of the things I so looked forward to was not having a to-do list. If I didn’t have a social life, an engineering job, and the the busy life I had in the US, the to-do list would disappear. I would teach and in the evenings I’d read or sit and watch life happen. The to-do list followed me here and it’s as long as it ever was. There’s a lot to do to get my furniture out of my house, sell my house, deal with the car drama, make hotel reservations for next weekend, research how to get a book published, research possible jobs for the future, lesson planning, engineering work, this blog, laundry, cleaning, cooking, call mom, and on and on. The list may be even longer because I don’t have much free time. On one hand the list helps me not worry as much about the future. On the other hand, it is the future. Tricky…..
Movement helps. I’m trying to find the time for conscious movement every day. I try to get massage at least once a week too. My fingers are still feeling numb. I’m wondering if it is my diet or if I have some nerve damage from something. No clear answer on that yet. Massage is still so painful, but I think it’s getting slightly better. Reading Almass helps the most though. He still has a way of writing a long time ago exactly what I needed to write today. He might as well be sitting across from me when I read his books. I can’t read a whole chapter in one sitting because half way through a chapter I am no longer able to understand words. My thinking brain no longer works and I am just here. Nothing else.
Here are a couple Almass quotes that I liked this week. In what I’m reading now he’s talking about how we take the physical world we see to be reality. It’s not. It’s all concepts in our mind and we’ve taken it to be reality. Reality is more than just the physical world. And as long as we believe that we are our bodies and our thoughts and the only thing that exists is the world we see, then we are missing reality.
“Reality is so mysterious, so amazing, so magical, that seeing it is bound to change us and change our lives. Knowing what is real, we can’t continue to live in the same way”.
“Our belief in the fundamentalness of physical reality remain solidly entrenched in our souls. In any authentic spiritual work, this conviction must eventually be confronted, shaken, and dismantled. It must be shattered before we can perceive totally, completely, what is actually there”.
I feel like I’m in the middle of this shattering. My body is holding on to being all there is to reality so tightly that all my muscles are so tight. If I give up on the physical world being reality, I fear that it won’t exist at all. Part of me knows this isn’t true, but the part that has that fear is what is in the process of shattering.
All my free time in school to do lesson planning was taken up rewriting exams. After I was told I needed 40 questions per exam instead of 20 I turned in my exams. Then I was told I needed to re-format my directions and put a specific cover sheet on it. I can’t have multiple choice A, B, C, D and E. That’s too hard. So I have to get rid of all the E’s. Then I turn in my exams again. Now I’m told I need to have an objective for each section of the exam. But, if I have more than 3 objectives, it will make more work for me later when I have to do end of the semester reporting on my semester’s objectives. So, why wasn’t all of this conveyed to me at the beginning of the semester instead of the middle? I don’t think “Teach some English and get the hell out of Thailand” is an acceptable objective. And they wonder why I don’t want to stay another semester. I have now spent over 20 hours trying to write two 40 question exams. It’s Thursday evening and I haven’t done one lesson plan for next week. I really don’t understand how anything gets accomplished in this country.
The rest of my free time that wasn’t spent on exams was spent with students that want to come into my office and speak English with me. Even though it makes it harder for me to get lesson planning done, that’s so important that I can’t say no. Those are the students that will learn the most because they want to learn. I can’t damage that desire to learn. The students I was helping tutor to get ready for the English competition did ok in the competition. They didn’t do great, but they were excited to come back Wednesday and tell me all about it. They also questioned why I wasn’t there with them. Good question. Don’t you think the native speaker should be the one at the competition with them? I just told them that I had to teach classes. It was great to see that they wanted to come tell me about it. One of them loves talking to me and spent a whole hour asking me questions. He also asked if he could Line or Facebook me to practice English, even after I have left.
Last week, one day, everyone wore yellow again and no one told me ahead of time. No one explained why, after the fact. So, all I know is something happened and everyone wore yellow to memorialize it. But, I’m getting use to having no idea what is going on. I spend quite a bit of time every day standing around having no idea what’s happening or what I should be doing.
I’m still at a loss for what to teach. The information I think should be easy is not and stuff I think they should know, they don’t. I have some lessons where they know what I’m teaching and I feel like I wasted all this time preparing for it and teaching it. This week I taught what to say at the doctor’s and it was so difficult for them. I taught giving directions a couple weeks ago and it was almost a total fail in every class. Don’t get lost in Thailand, no one will be able to give you accurate directions. However, if you ask for directions in Thailand, they will probably take you there personally. Then I had one class that was introducing yourself and others. This was part of the curriculum given to me for one of the older classes. I thought, how do they not know this already? This is too easy and boring. They were laughing and cracking up the whole class. My most boring class was a hit. Then for the class one younger than that I’m supposed to teach Illegal Imports. So the older kids get “Hi this is my friend Bob” and the younger kids get “You can’t take products made from endangered animals into another country”. wtf Thailand?
Before one of my classes, I was standing in the hall and watched a small bird take down another bird in flight, pin it to the floor and kill it. Then after class, I checked, yes, the bird was dead. Then after the next class, I came out to find the killer bird eating the dead bird. I know that this is all just part of life – life, death, change, circle of life, etc. But, I just can’t get it out of my head – bird cannibalism. Why is ok when we eat meat or a lion kills for it’s food, but it’s disturbing when it’s bird cannibalism?
Speaking of food….. I discovered a delightful dessert. It’s called Roti Sai Mai. Tip gave me some a few weeks ago. I found it at the market this week and bought it. It’s a thin sweet crepe, so thin you can almost see through it. Then you take this sweet stuff that looks like colored hair and put it on the crepe and roll it up. The hair stuff is kind of like cotton candy with the consistency of fiberglass insulation. Fascinating. And very delicious. And not dangerous to eat because there is no actual fiberglass in it. Now longans are in season. They are a clearish whitish fruit in a hard shell, kind of like lychee. They remind me of lychee in that they kind of taste like you can’t tell if they are going bad or not. I was given a bunch as a gift. I decided I won’t buy them in the future.
I’ve been investigating further into what position I’m in when I wake up in the morning. I stretch out and see if it changes my desire to get up in the morning. I find that I’m not as curled up as I use to be in years past. Some mornings stretching out helps. Some mornings it doesn’t. I’m half asleep and half awake from 5:30 when the birds start squawking to 6:40 when my alarm goes off. I thought, maybe it would be more useful to just get up and start my day earlier than to toss and turn, not quite awake and not quite asleep. I got up around 6:00 two days and did some of my conscious movement in the morning instead of after school. The other mornings, I didn’t manage to get up early. Baby steps….
The sale of my house is actually moving forward. I received the start of contract paperwork last night and have been trying to work out moving my furniture out. Fingers crossed that this goes smoothly. It should close in August.
I’ve been investigating how I always have a long to-do-list that never seems to get any shorter. I’ve also been investigating living in the future instead of now. And, as usual, as I read AH Almass, he’s talking about seeing reality instead of the physical world we think is reality. All fabulous stuff that’s not new, but is starting to shift and change as how I see reality is shifting and changing. So, all that needs to be a blog of it’s own. Hopefully, I can put some of it to words tomorrow night. This type of spiritual work is very difficult to put into words. And as I write this, I find my brain going all fuzzy because enough words have already been used for the day.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
One of these is the cannibalLegal Items you can take on Holiday (mostly)Roti Sai MaiPineapple, mango and longan
I had email conversation with one of the students in the current Awakening to Presence class about the way we sleep. If we sleep in one of our character patterns or in a defensive pattern will that affect how we feel when we wake up? We both think that it does. Over the years I have woken up not wanting to start the day. I’ve gone through periods of time where I wake up with numb hands. Awhile ago I tried to change the way I sleep. I sleep on my side and use to sleep all curled up in the fetal position. I was able to greatly improve the way I sleep and rarely get numb hands any more. For quite awhile I didn’t wake up not wanting to start the day. Every morning when I wake up now, I take a few minutes to straighten out my body and just lie there noticing how I feel and tuning into my body. I’ve been doing this automatically, not thinking about it. I do think if we sleep in a position of fear we will wake up anxious, in a position of collapse we will wake up feeling defeated or not wanting to start the day. I don’t sleep anywhere near as curled up as I use to, but I’m wondering if I can uncurl more and see how that changes my mornings. Of course if I had a bigger bed, that would help – my bed was made for a short tiny Thai person.
Friday Noi wanted to take me to lunch outside of school. We left early and the place she wanted to go was closed. There was a cone with a big light on it in the road so we couldn’t turn on it. As we drove by she said someone was dead. That was why the place was closed. How did she know that? She said she saw the tent. I saw a big awning coming from a house and covering most of the street in front of the house. I guess it’s like a reception where people come to pay respects to the family. We went to another place to eat. As with most Thai restaurants, it’s a covered area in front of a house with an outdoor kitchen. The lady that owned this one was real nice and quite happy to have us there. She had chickens and roosters running around everywhere. I had a hard time eating because I just wanted to watch the chickens. I didn’t have my phone with me so I didn’t get any pictures. I’ve never seen so many in one place. They were pecking at my feet. The roosters that would fight were in cages. Some of the roosters were huge. I asked if she raised the roosters for fighting. Noi said she didn’t. She didn’t mind if they died for people to eat, but would not have her roosters die for fighting. She could make a small fortune if she sold them for fighting. The health department in the US would fall over and die if they saw Thai restaurants. Yet, I haven’t gotten sick from any restaurant in Sam Ngao and the food has always been good. Maybe we are over cautious in the US.
Friday night I had dinner with Tip and did a reading lesson for her daughter. I wasn’t sure how to teach reading to someone that never read before, but I found some beginner reading lessons on line and Tip printed them. Fai did pretty good. I had hoped Ging would come over with her daughter too, but the timing didn’t work out.
My printer stopped printing even though I got the ink refilled. Maybe refilling the ink cartridges doesn’t work. I tried to get stuff printed at school, but it seems like a huge imposition to print color at school and I can only print black and white when I can find Noi in her office. Otherwise her office is locked. I feel frustration and a small amount of panic. This took me out of the state of indifference and has consumed most of my thoughts. I asked Noi if she would take me to Tak to get new ink. She took me yesterday and insisted that I bring the printer. I didn’t understand why I needed to bring the printer since I just needed to buy new cartridges. She kept asking about the ink tank. I kept saying that it didn’t have an ink tank and I didn’t see how the ink would get in the cartridges if they put a tank on it. Well, color me stupid. The printer shop in Tak put an ink tank on the printer and a thin cord that goes to the cartridges. Take that Cannon. Serves you right for trying to create a printer that goes through ink so fast and thinking we would have to buy expensive cartridges every month. This morning, I printed the rest of my lesson plans for this week. I keep getting the message that the printer is low on ink, but the prints came out fine. So, fingers crossed that this will continue to work. I relaxed a little.
My plan for this weekend was to get a week ahead on lesson planning, but the trip to Tak took all day so, I’m ready for this week’s lessons, but not ahead. We went to breakfast which was a delicious soup and chicken with ginger. Then we went to the morning market to buy more plants for Noi. I like the market in Tak. Then we went a few other places. One of them had tiny pineapple. Noi bought some and told me they were the most delicious pineapple. They come from Chiang Rai. They are the most sweet and juicy of the pineapple. There are pineapple that come from somewhere else in Thailand and they are bigger, just as sweet, but not as juicy. Then there are pineapple that come from Phuket. They taste good, but are so fibrous that you can’t eat too many. If you eat too many, they will destroy your tongue. The pineapple that will destroy your tongue. I enjoyed the non tongue destroying pineapple very much.
Then to Tesco to do the printer. Ice cream at Dairy Queen and the bank. I should have bought food in Tesco, but by that time of the day I was exhausted and just standing around was more my speed. The meat department has bins and bins of meat just sitting out and you grab tongs and a bag and pick what you want. Then they weight it and put a price on the bag. I was mesmerized watching people pick through bins of raw meat. I couldn’t even move to go look at the veggies. After Tesco we went for lunch at a noodle shop Noi has been wanting to try. The ladies working there were real nice and excited to learn about why Noi was with a Westerner. This was one of the first Thai meals that I didn’t like. The meat had a strange consistency and it was too spicy. I didn’t eat the whole thing because it just got hotter and hotter until I felt like my lips might melt off. It hurt for at least 30 minutes after. Am I allergic to chili? How do people find this enjoyable? How did the first person to try a chili think that this was a good idea to eat twice?
The subjects of conversation were religion (as usual) and politics. She has been told that the US has great welfare and that the government pays to take care of all old people and poor people. There are no poor people and no beggars in the US. In the US when people get old, their children do not help them. Thai children always help their parents. I tried to explain that some do and some don’t. This was difficult for her to understand. Americans are not helpful to other people. She wanted to know if Thailand or America had more charities. I have no idea. I find that most of what Thais think of the US is black and white. We are all one way or another. There is no concept of how huge our country is and how diverse it’s people are. There’s no concept that maybe it’s not that much different from Thailand and other countries. Everything that is a Thai way belongs only to Thais. For instance, Thai people are very nice. This is true, but I have met some not nice ones too. It is also true that I have met just as many nice Americans. Is it possible that a more true statement is people are nice? Then she asked what I was going to do later. I told her I was going to get a massage. She told me if I go once a week for massage I am addicted to massage. That made me laugh. I tried to explain why I thought it was important, but I just couldn’t. She asked about the lady who does massage. I told her sometimes it’s a man and sometimes his wife. Men should only do massage for men, don’t you think? I told her I was so glad that wasn’t true since he’s better than she is. She asked why I thought he was better and I told her he was more present. She didn’t understand. To her presence is the fact of being in the room and someone can’t be more or less present. They are present or not. I tried to explain presence from an energetic and spiritual sense, but I’m sure I didn’t do a good job of it. It’s too late in the day and my brain is already fried. Then that led to “Do you believe in heaven?” I swear we’ve had this conversation before. I said I didn’t. She proceeded to tell me about heaven and hell and doing good deeds in order to have a better life next time. Maybe I just don’t know the facts and that’s why I don’t believe. There was also an aspect where I’m from America so I must be Christian and I explained that I’m not Christian and not all of Americans are. There was also a conversation about fortune tellers. I said I didn’t believe in their predictions. I don’t think anyone really knows the future, educated guesses can be made, but no one knows. She educated me on fortune tellers, again, because I must not know about them or I’d believe. I find her questions so challenging, but also fascinating as well. With each conversation I become more and more sure that everything is just one. There is no good or bad and no right answer. There is no future to worry about and the past can no longer hurt me.
Then house and car stuff comes up and I lose the belief in no good or bad and no future for a little bit. The guy living in my house wants to buy it, but for $40,000 less than I think it’s worth. He want’s to buy my furniture, but isn’t willing to pay what I think it’s worth. So, I’m looking into moving my furniture out and now I’m contacting realtors. Money represents safety for me and thinking about it actually upsets me. In a lot of areas of my life I no longer fear for my safety or worry about how things are going to turn out, but with money issues, I still do. Maybe that’s why this appears to be so difficult right now. So, I can learn to release my need for money to safety. I remember childishly asking for life to provide me with some surprise money that would get me out of debt. Then I will believe that everything is ok. Of course that hasn’t happened. Still, last week I got a bunch of checks in the mail that I had forgotten Jay mailed to me. I was able to deposit them through an app on my phone. It was around $300 which won’t even make a dent in my debt, but the timing of it sure made me laugh. Of course, if surprise money in the amount of $30,000 comes my way, that will be ok too.
Today everyone wore yellow in support of the King who is very sick. I had heard rumors that he died months ago, but what do I know. I didn’t question it since there are serious consequences if anyone were to take that as disrespectful towards the King. It was quite cool to see a sea of yellow at morning assembly though.
Not sure if I ever talked about this before, but the amount of sweeping that happens at school is amazing. Every morning students are sweeping the driveways and sidewalks at school. They sweep the sports court. They sweep the classrooms when needed. Just about every surface is swept. There is trash thrown off to the sides of roads, but the school surfaces are swept. I wonder how they decide who’s turn it is to sweep or do they just do it automatically? They don’t use store bought brooms like we do. They are all made out plants, bamboo poles and sticks. I can’t even find a broom like we have in the US in a store. They are all these natural material brooms. They are very short too. I have to bend over to use a broom.
I’ve been noticing that the students are more comfortable with me. There are more and more students saying Good Morning, Hello Teacher or Good Afternoon than there use to be. In fact, by the end of the day the words Good Morning and Good Afternoon no longer make sense to me because I’ve said them so many times in a day that they just sound like gibberish. This is a good thing and it’s mind numbing at the same time.
I never use to have any reaction to coffee. I think I’m starting to notice it now though. Or more, I notice the absence of it. I still don’t drink it and feel more awake. I can still drink it in the evening and have no problem going to sleep. What I am noticing is a craving when I haven’t had it in a day or two. Then, I feel my system relax a little when I do have it. I’ve had this calming reaction with sugar my whole life – no sugar high, but a calming of the whole nervous system after I eat sugar. I’m wondering what this is all about. I’ll fill you in later if I figure it out.
At lunch, Noi asked if I believed in ghosts. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I don’t know that I do believe in ghosts. I’m not sure I don’t. I hadn’t really thought about it. So, I told her I didn’t believe one way or another and I didn’t much care if they were real or not. She went on to tell me all about ghosts and that they were beings that most of us can’t see and that they live on different plane than we do (she didn’t use those words). Since most of us can’t see them, we could be bumping into them right now. Some people can see them so they have to be real. She told me all this with the energy I didn’t know what ghosts were and if I knew, then I would understand that they are real. It was interesting that the question started off if I believed in ghosts like there was a choice and ended as if there is no question – they are real, I just don’t understand. I still don’t care if they exist or not.
After school, I threw my laundry in the washer and headed to get coffee. The weather was delightful today – warm but not hot and dry. So, I went to the outdoor coffee shop that serves better coffee and is cheaper because I wanted to sit outside anyway. They were closed. So, I went to the other coffee shop which I like, but not as much. Just before I was going to leave, Tip and her daughter came in. Fai was so excited to see Aunt Rraine and came to sit with me and draw pictures for me. Tip told me that just before they got to the coffee shop, Fai asked when she could see me. Completely adorable. It was nice to have coffee with them. Well, Fai had ice cream, not coffee.
When I woke up this morning, my first though was “no I don’t want to”. But after I got up and was more awake, I went back into the state of indifference. I’m hoping this becoming a more natural state for me to be in instead of something that happens once in awhile.
Today my alarm woke me. It was way too early and I wasn’t ready. But, this is the first morning in a long time that I wasn’t awake at dawn. Usually I the birds wake me at dawn even though I have ear plugs and white noise. I don’t get up, when I hear them, but I grumble and try to go back to sleep. I’m not actually sure if I have slept until my alarm once since I moved here. Today, I slept until my alarm went off. I assume indifference is conducive for sleeping.
One of the biggest causes of motorbike accidents in Thailand is due to dogs. There are so many stray dogs here. I am very observant anytime I go anywhere, looking off to the side for any surprise dogs. I never thought that one of those sweet lemon yellow butterflies my be my end. Yesterday, I hit one while going to get printer ink. Or it hit me, I’m not sure. It hit me on the cheek and it’s wing hit my eyeball. For a few seconds I couldn’t see and was stunned. I swerved, but managed to keep the swerve minimal and regain my focus on the road. I thought, really? All these terrifying critters and my undoing would be a lemon yellow butterfly? Not today.
I mailed a package from Vietnam in March. It got to Colorado last week. Wow.
School was ok today. I was exhausted by the end of the day, but had my monk class tonight. I really just wanted to come home and crash instead of teach. Still, the class went by fairly quickly. I spent most of the day in the indifference place.
A week or so ago, I decided it was time to try some high tech pest control measures. I stuffed plastic bags in some of the suspect holes in the house. It seems like a useless attempt, but I have no other ideas. Then, I wasn’t sure if I was trapping critters in or out because I didn’t know where they were at the time. Tonight, I noticed that there seems to be a lot less rat poop on the floors (or is it tokay poop?). The bags have not moved. So maybe it’s actually working.
The school just hired a Chinese language teacher. He is now sharing and office with me, Mae, and the screaming cat. He’s real nice and is excited to practice English with me. I know they put us all in the same office because they aren’t quite sure what to do with us, but I enjoy having office mates. I got so much gift fruit today. I got two guavas, some mystery goo made from a fruit I’ve never seen before, dragon fruit, lychee flavored yogurt and 5 mangos.
Today Tip told me her daughter has lice. Oh lovely, do I have lice again? I used the straight iron tonight just in case – fry those eggs before they can hatch. My hair is finally getting longer. It’s hard to tell when it’s curly, but after I straightened it, it looks so long.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
High Tech plastic bag pest controlLook – longer hair
Yesterday I decided I had to get at least one lesson plan done and set an unrealistic goal of three. I had some free time during school and got 4 lesson plans 90% done. I consider that a win! Maybe this lesson planning thing is possible after all. I decided Today would be a day off from lesson planning since I have only one hour of free time during the day. Tomorrow I set the goal to finish at least two and get at least a start on the rest. Maybe I could get ahead by this weekend……
Today I had all the M2s and the Thai teacher wasn’t there. M2 is 13 to 14 year olds. It was so difficult to keep their attention for more than two seconds. By the time I was done with three different M2 classes, I was exhausted. The last class was so bad that when they asked to play a game, I wrote on the board “Class was not good = no game”. Some got it, the rest didn’t even notice I had written something on the board. I was exhausted, but I left for lunch with nothing but indifference. I have experienced this a lot over the years. It sounds like a negative thing, but it’s not. I actually enjoy it, if you can say enjoy and indifference in the same sentence. A lot of times we think of indifference as flippant or as a lack of good feelings. Actually, it’s a lack of judgement either way. There is no good or bad. I didn’t withhold a game because I was upset or frustrated with the kids. It just seemed like the correct consequence for their actions. I didn’t much care if we played a game or not, learned English or not, or just stood there doing nothing. It doesn’t matter, anything is fine.
I went to the canteen for lunch yesterday and today. It still feels very uncomfortable to me. Yesterday was quite scary. I have no idea why it’s scary. Maybe because I’m not sure if what I decide to eat will try to kill me with spice or not. Maybe because I know it will be awkward not being able to talk to most of the teachers. Of course, today was less scary because I was already in the indifference place.
For club today Pat had a game where there were questions in English on pieces of paper and the students had to pick one out of a bag and answer the question. Then they had to ask each other and answer each other. The questions were things like “What is your favorite color” or “How old are you”? I thought they would hate the game. They didn’t. Who knew?
When I tried to buy a printer when I first moved here, Pat told me I could print anything I needed at school. It has turned out to be so difficult. They don’t seem to understand that I have to print stuff every week for classes. It is a huge hassle to print stuff. So, I bought a printer last month anyway. It’s already out of ink. My big task of the day was to attempt to find printer cartridges after school. There is a shop with office supplies so I thought I would start there. I find this scary, but I can do this. Tip knew I was going to look for printer ink and she found me on my way there. She was riding in her little golf cart thing and flagged me down. She suggested a different store. They put ink in my non refillable cartridges. They seem to be working fine even though the printer keeps saying it’s low on ink.
Ton is a guy in my class with the monk. He is the assistant to the Chinese medicine doctor at the hospital and is friends with Tip. Last week Tip made the point of telling me that Ton is single and if I needed anything I could ask him. She also made the point of telling me that Ton is not a man. I think it’s very common in Thailand and very accepted that some people identify with the sexuality different from what they were born with. I find it very interesting how not a big deal it is here when it’s such a topic of controversy in America right now. I don’t see why it’s a big deal. Unfortunately, I’m not attracted to Ton, male or female. Tip made the point of telling me again today that Ton is single.
I have had a few conversations lately about the fact that I’m leaving at the end of the semester to go home. I never said I was going home, but that’s the word on the street. I am so touched as they are truly confused as to why I am leaving and sad to hear I’m going. I’ve been texting with Noi all night about it. She said she was shocked and sad to hear I was leaving and wanted to know if I was unhappy here. I feel guilty and then remind myself that it’s not my job to make everyone happy. I also remind myself that I never planned on staying here forever. They are a communal culture and we are an independent culture. Of course, it’s difficult to understand why I would want something else or how I could come in, get to know them and then leave. They don’t live like that. I feel loved and cared for.
(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
One of my classroomsMy favorite coffee shop if it’s not too hot outMaking salad
Friday night I tried to work on lesson plans, but by 7:30pm I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I was real dizzy so I went to bed. I slept for 12 hours. And by sleep, I mean toss and turn, but that’s normal for me. Wow, I never knew giving blood would put me down for days.
I did laundry and mopped the house Saturday morning. I find that I have to mop every 3 or 4 days since there is all kinds of dead bugs, mouse and lizzard poop everywhere. I hadn’t cleaned up after the termite invasion so it was good to mop. I went to the coffee shop and worked on lesson plans all day. I promised I myself I would leave by 4:00pm even if I wasn’t done with lesson plans. I tried to leave at 4:00pm but it kept raining and it wasn’t a light rain, but a downpour. So, I didn’t leave until 5:00pm. It was still raining, but not bad. I rode up to the massage place and the guy was in! I’ve had massages from him and his wife. She’s good, but he’s better so I was glad she wasn’t there. Two hours of pain. Everything hurts. I really need this as part of my daily routine right now, but I just don’t have the time. I feel like bodywork is an important part of working through some of the stuff that I’m trying to work through. I’ve been doing conscious movement every day as well and trying to get my body to stop holding all this stuff it’s holding. It feels like it’s holding more than usual, but I don’t think it’s actually more. I think it’s just different stuff, stuff that can’t be worked through cognitively. I wonder too, what taking blood and forcing my body to make a lot of new blood is doing. It kind of feels like I had described before when I got sick and lost a lot of muscle weight. I had felt I was at muscle zero and rebuilding from there was a good thing. What if this is a rebuilding of the blood system?
Today, I went to the Sunday market. I didn’t walk around for long, but long enough to run into the really nice guy that is always excited to talk to me. He sells veggies. He said he had missed seeing me at the market and was glad I was back. I was going to cook today, but didn’t. I spent the entire rest of the day getting all the lesson plans for this week in order. I was hoping to get ahead of lesson planning today. So, I’m a bit disappointed. I’m also concerned that I will never be ahead and that I will spend all my free time doing lesson plans. I’m also concerned that I might get behind at some point. On one hand, I don’t have a ton else to do. But, this isn’t how I want to spend the next 4 months either. Everyone that offers me advice says stuff like just play more games. But, I have to come up with the game and how does it teach English? How does it teach English that isn’t too easy or too hard? Half the games I’ve tried were a total fail. Then people offer ideas that seem like they would be a ton more work and not actually make things easier. Plus, people forget that the game has to be easy enough to explain with out using Thai. One person suggested I just go to Bangkok and buy some books. With what money? Bangkok is a 9-12 bus ride from here. There is an overwhelming amount of information on line. Half of it would work for kindergartners and the other half would work for university students. The in between stuff is not useful. I just hope that I get faster/better at this soon so that I can get ahead. Or maybe sports week will happen again and I’ll have a whole week with no classes and I can get ahead.
Friday night Noi texted me to see if I wanted to go to the market on Sunday in Tak. She said it was a big market with a lot of plants. I need to go to Tak to go to the big Walmart like store so I said yes. Then she said “See you tomorrow at 7:00”. So I texted her back to see if she meant tomorrow or Sunday. She confirmed Sunday.
Saturday morning I decided to sleep in and they I was going to spend the whole day working on lesson plans. No such luck. At 7:20 I heard yelling and horn honking. It wasn’t real loud over the fan I had on, but I heard it and realized that Noi had meant Saturday, not Sunday. She has probably now woken up all the teachers. I ran downstairs and asked her to give me 5 minutes. I threw on a pair of shorts, a t shirt and a hat and ran out the door. The market was on the street next to the river and had a nice breeze coming off the river. It was a very comfortable temperature until 9:30. Then it was as if someone had thrown me in an oven and it became so uncomfortable. The market was fun. It had every fruit tree, plant, herb, and fish you could ever want. It also had a lot of clothing too. It was fascinating watching Noi try to decide on anything. It took about 20 minutes for her to pick out 4 lime trees, going back and forth with the man selling them. It took her about just as long to pick out three shirts. After the market we went to Tesco Lotus and I bought granola, cheese, salad dressing and a bunch of other things I can’t get in my town. We had pizza for lunch. She let me order since pizza is not her thing. I ordered a pepperoni pizza. She ate it, but I don’t think she liked it much. On the way home we stopped by a big temple in Ban Tak. We didn’t stay long. I’ll have to go back sometime. By the time I got home it was 2:30 and I had done no lesson planning. I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do and by the money problems I’m having. Life just felt impossible. So, I turned on the air conditioning and took a nap for an hour. I never nap because I usually feel worse after a nap. I still felt bad, but I got up and went to the coffee shop and worked there until they closed. I felt a lot better once I had started working on the lesson plans. I went and got a massage after that. All the yuck I had been feeling is definately being held in every part of my body. I got home around 9:00 and went to bed.
Today I spent most of the day doing lesson plans. I took a break to have lunch with Tip, but probably should have just kept working as it took way too long to get lunch with her. I had hoped to get this week’s and part of next week’s lesson plans done this weekend, but only got this week’s. Still, that was the most important part. My mood was much better today even though I didn’t get as much done as I had hoped.
A guy I had been matched with on Tinder when I was in Chiang Mai contacted me and we texted back and forth a bit. He’s riding his bike from Chiang Mai to Phuket. He left Chiang Mai on Friday. Since he will be passing pretty close to here, he’s going to come visit me. That should be on Tuesday. Still no one on Tinder in my area.
Of course I keep questioning why I don’t like teaching or living here. In theory, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do. One piece of the puzzle that keeps coming up is that I don’t like the concrete walls that are around schools and government buildings here. Something about concrete, heat and walls reminds me of my early childhood. I have no idea what happened, but this is not the first time I have had this memory. And by memory, I don’t mean that I remember what happened, but that I have the felt sense memory of being lonely and unhappy, hot and something about concrete. Then I had the thought that I was pretty unhappy through most of my childhood. And now I’m teaching teenagers. Huh….
Now I’m just listening to something crawling around in my ceiling and wondering how I’m ever going to sleep.
Rraine Drops 