Big Mood Swings

On May 26, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

Yesterday I felt very overwhelmed with lesson planning. I don’t like lesson planning. I don’t mind the actual teaching, but trying to figure out what and how to teach is just unpleasant. I got text books for my advanced classes and was looking through one to get ideas on what to teach this week. It seems like that would be easier, but the activities in the text book are so disjointed and difficult to follow. They are also way too hard for these students. So, it just makes me sad a the the Thai system that they hold the students to such high standards, but they just aren’t there. I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. Ok, I can’t say when I wanted to be one except before I was one. This is hard.

After school yesterday I went to get coffee at the roadside drink place. The lady there is so nice and remembers what I like. It’s cheaper than the coffee shop too. Since it wasn’t too hot (it was medium hot) and there was a nice breeze, I didn’t mind sitting outside. Then I went home and washed my motorbike. The thing still looks like a complete disaster, but I know it’s clean. Well, as clean as is possible. This made me content. Then I made dinner. I think I could stay here longer if all I had to do were mundane everyday things. I’m actually enjoying those. I feel very peaceful and don’t care that I don’t have a big social life or wild and exciting things to do. I’m completely present. Until I think about lesson planning or my car not being paid on time in the US or what if my house doesn’t sell, etc.

Today I woke up feeling completely horrible. Last night I looked at my US bank account I am running real low. I had to have some repairs done to the house so this month I won’t receive any rent so that will be a big hit when the mortgage bill comes in. After that, I won’t even have enough money to buy a flight home if I wanted to. The last I heard, the renter no longer wanted to buy the house. I still have over $30,000 of debt not including the house and car. The person leasing my car is still paying late every month. So, I woke up with this weighing heavy on me. I’m trying to trust that everything will work out ok, but I just couldn’t this morning. Most of the day I just wanted to leave, but go where?

I’ve had several teachers ask why I am leaving in September and if I was going home. Q, my next door neighbor asked if I was coming back after I went home for awhile. He also asked if Robin was going with me. I found that odd. Just because we are both westerners doesn’t mean I’m bringing a 20 something year old from England back to America with me. Robin’s on his own. I’m not even sure I’m going back to the US. Judging by the questions people asked me, most of them had no idea this was just temporary to begin with. They seemed to think I moved here for good. I find that heart touching and I felt a bit guilty. I questioned why I felt guilty though. I never planned this to be long term. I just don’t want to disappoint people. Guess I have to let that go.

The loud obnoxious skinny mangy school cat had kittens. They are so cute, but it’s sad because the mother just begs food and now she has kittens to feed too.

By the end of the day, I felt like I did yesterday. Just content. I went for coffee and a walk in the gardens with Tip, Ging, and their daughters after school. Then I came home to cook. I should have been working on lesson plans but I plan on doing that all weekend. I probably should be figuring out a financial plan, but I’m not sure what I can do other than move numbers around and get more depressed about it.

Noi came by and brought me lychee, mangosteen and a pair of pajama pants. She wants me to have long pants (although they won’t be long on me) to help keep off the mosquitos because rainy season is coming. I love this woman.

I also love mangosteen. I may have mentioned it before, but if I didn’t, these are the best fruit ever. And I am obsessed with them now. They are just starting to come into season here so I am happy about that. Lychee and rambutan have just come into season too. I like lychee, but only a few at a time. Rambutan is delightful to look at. They look like a shaggy monster. They are lychee’s hairy cousin. They taste way better than lychee too. I tried a new vegetable today. I was told it was like a not sweet melon and it is boiled or fried. So, I fried it with some squash, ginger and onion. It was very unexciting. The squash, ginger and onion combo isn’t too bad though.

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Too Many Classes

On May 24, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

Not much exciting happened Sunday. My bus left Chiang Rai at 8:30 in the morning and took most of the day to get home. I’m not sure why it took longer to get home than it took to get to Chiang Rai, but it did. There were 5 police check points on the way home, 4 of which we got pulled over and they searched the bus. I assume they are looking for people sneaking in the country as they checked IDs. They never checked mine. I don’t look Burmese. I got home and found nothing scary in my bathroom, but there was a dying rat peeing on my stairs. Why can’t dying critters go outside and die? They all have to die in some dramatic fashion and wait for me to get home to do it. I assume he ate too much of the rat poison. I had to sweep him into the dust pan and take him outside.

Yesterday at school, I found out that they are still coming up with random issues with my work permit. Now they want my work permit dates to match my employment dates, but instead of making the work permit good for 8 months, they want the school to rewrite the contract for a year. This would mean I would be here through March of next year instead of September of this year. How do you politely say no to that? I tried. Pat made a phone call. I have no idea where this stands now.

I have two higher level English classes. Today I went to teach one of the regular level classes and was told that the higher level class was mixed in. So, basically, what I was teaching was a repeat for the higher level class since I taught them earlier in the week. How is this good classroom planning? It will be an issue for the first two classes, but not after that. Still, this added on to work permit thing just set me in the wrong direction for the rest of the day. I felt defeated and although I know it will all work itself out, I couldn’t shake the feeling. After school, I figured the best plan was to go get a massage. They weren’t there. I contacted Tip and asked if I needed an appointment or could just go get a massage at the hospital. They have a section with acupuncture and massage. She called to set up an appointment, but they were closed for the day. I went by two coffee shops. They were both closed. I gave up and went home to clean my house in the heat. I’m going to have to clean my house every few days anyway. I cleaned 2 rooms and felt a little better.

I question why I don’t want to be here. Ok, there’s the obvious: critters, bugs, the heat, the language, etc., but in theory, it shouldn’t matter. I know that the real “I don’t want to be here” is the one from infancy, not wanting to be here alone in this body, in this life. I have worked on that a lot over the years. All I can gather is that I was left alone a lot in the first few weeks of life and it left a mark that is difficult to define and difficult to work on. I started doing the DSE (Developmental Sequence Exercises) again as I think this is what is needed to finally work through this issue. I catch myself wanting to blame someone else for my problems. Then a second later, I think “that’s stupid. I’m the one who chose this – on purpose”. There’s no one to blame. Even if there was, what would that solve? Nothing. So, this wanting someone to take responsibility is part of not wanting to be here. They both feel backwards and inside out. So, I feel uncomfortable and unhappy and I do my exercises. I watch my thoughts and reactions and I wait for the issue to turn in on itself and flip so it’s no longer inside out.

Today I had 5 classes. I’m exhausted and brain fried. Sometimes I have Thai teachers that help. Today, I didn’t for 4 of the classes and the lesson was pretty difficult. So, I feel like I didn’t do anything useful today. One of my classes was 50 students. I couldn’t keep their attention for more than 5 seconds. That’s too many students. I teach 6 different grades and 2 advanced classes. I had 16 classes last semester and now I have 18. Last semester I was creating 2 lesson plans a week – one for the first 3 grades and one for the last 3 grades. One teacher told me today that next week she wanted me to teach on one of the subjects in her text book. This is great because what I’m teaching will be relevant to what they are supposed to be learning. I’ve been asking for this for months. However, it now means I have more lesson plans to do each week. So now I will have to create one for the first three grades, one for the 4^th, one for the 5^th, one for the 6^th, one for one of the advanced classes and two for the other advanced class. So instead of 2 per week, I’m now up to 9 lesson plans per week. I’m not sure this is actually physically possible. Then add on that I agreed to teach a monk after school twice a week so that’s now 11 lesson plans. Then I found out that Tuesday the last period is for clubs and I have to co-lead a club with Pat. We have to teach them hobbies. My hobbies are snowboarding, mountain biking, hiking, etc. How do I teach hobbies? We will do pottery, but I have no idea how to teach that without supplies and equipment. Beyond that, I know nothing. Help – send me ideas. If you add all that up, I’m now teaching 21 classes a week needing 12 lesson plans. I suck at lesson plans. How did this blow up to this proportion? I can’t possibly see how this is going to work.

I came home to an air conditioner in my room. So, that’s wonderful. I had to clean the whole house again, but I didn’t mind.

20160522_075619 — This is what every street in Chiang Rai (and most of Thailand) looks like

Speed Shower

On May 17, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yesterday, I taught a half a class instead of 4. But since this is my 2nd week at school, it was probably time to teach something. By the afternoon it was looking like it would rain. The wind was strong which I liked because it maid me feel cooler. I saw part of the hill on fire – I think it might have been lightning. I got home and had running water! And by running water, I don’t mean what you are use to at home, but enough to take a shower and as much as I’ve ever had here. I took one of the fastest showers ever because I’m now wondering when the water may run out. If everyone comes home and takes a bath or shower or does dishes or laundry, there may be no water. Or maybe the amount of water has nothing to do with anything and is random. I think it’s random. So, speed shower time. But it was delightful to wash my hair! Yay! I ate dinner while it poured rain. After, it stopped raining, I went to the massage place. I wasn’t sure if I was too late, but if I was, they didn’t turn me away. It’s weird because it’s in someone’s home. There is no massage shop with hours on the door here. My entire body is a mess. My joints hurt. My legs are tight. My back is all rope, no muscles. I think my hands have been feeling numb lately because my back and shoulders are cutting off the circulation. Disaster. But, I plan to go to massage at least once a week and do my conscious movement at home and investigate what I’m holding. I suspect this is part of the final battle of the ego.

This morning’s guest in my bathroom was a snake. Thank god it was after I was dressed and ready for work or it could have been more than I could handle. I called Q over. He came over with a stick taller than me. He meant business. By the time he got here I couldn’t see it. So, I assumed it went under the tub. My tub is about 4 feet high by 1 foot across by 3 feet wide. Q is now standing on top of the tub with a giant stick poking the stick everywhere. No snake. He finally climbs down off the tub and we agree that it’s not to be found right now. I show him a picture and his response is “Oh, I think it is little”. Ugh. I don’t care. Little snakes can be just as deadly. He said he would tell the janitor to chase it out. Poor janitor has become so busy trying to fix all the problems this crazy western girl has. Q shut the bathroom door and suggested I keep it shut. In theory, that’s a great idea, but there is a 6″ gap at the bottom of the door that’s not stopping anything. I rush to get ready to go and look in the bathroom one more time to see the snake near the toilet. I don’t know what to do so I tried bug spray. He didn’t like that and thankfully slithered out the drain hole in the wall. But, if he got out, the screen on the outside of the hole isn’t doing it’s job and he could come back in later. This might explain the disappearing frogs I had in February. I think I’d rather have the frogs back.

Still, I went to school feeling terrified of my bathroom, but not feeling much else. The whole day was kind of indifferent. I think the massage last night released some of the stuff I was holding on to and now there’s no thought that I can’t survive this. I’m pretty resolved that I’m leaving after September. It doesn’t feel like an escape or a running away or an avoiding, but more like a decision made.

Last semester I had 16 classes a week. This semester they changed it to 17 and today I was told I would be teaching another advanced class so 18. I had 4 classes this morning with no break. From nothing for a week to full on. It was ok though. I like the advanced class. It’s only 20 students instead of 50 which is nice too. The other classes went fine too. It will be a lot of work having this many classes, but what else do I have to do?

In the afternoon, Noi came to get me. They are still having issues with my work permit. This time the problem is that the date on my visa doesn’t match the date my passport was stamped as coming into the country. And neither one matches the date of the request for the work permit. How can these people deal with granting work permits if they don’t know how it works? I had to get my visa before I came to Thailand so the dates will never match. I came under a visa that is for the purpose of finding a job so it will never match the date I got the job. So, we had to drive to Tak 45 minutes away to meet with them to try to work it out. I think it’s worked out now, but I have no idea. After, Noi had to go get supplies for the the school store and to make decorations for an upcoming holiday. We go to the school supply store in Tak. I sat in the school supply store forever waiting and sweating. I find the stores here to be interesting. There is so much stuff and yet, hardly any stuff, all at the same time. The variety of stuff is what there is a lot of, but the amount of each thing is what there is hardly any of. So, there are school uniforms – so many colors and styles for all the different schools, but only 5 or 6 of each kind. There is tape, glue, pens, highlighters, paper, and so many things, but only one bin of pens or 7 folders. It was so hot. I would scratch my arm or back and my fingernails would come up so dirty. I think I’ll just be constantly sweating and dirty here. We went to a second school supply store, but this one went quicker.

Then we went to dinner. She asked what I wanted and I told her something with vegetables. I was hoping for a salad, but not counting on it existing in Tak. She took me to a sukiyaki place. She ordered a plate full of mushrooms and tofu and some vegetables. I don’t like mushrooms, but I wasn’t specific enough and I did ask for vegetables. There’s a hot plate built into the table and you cook the soup right there. Overall it was pretty good. After dinner she wanted to show me the hanging bridge in Tak. There’s a park near the river and a suspension foot bridge. The river is very wide here so the bridge is quite long. It looks like a miniature Golden Gate Bridge. It bounces and sways in the wind. There is a night market next to it. There were quite a few people wandering around the market and walking over the bridge. The people wandering around and hanging out gave the area a wonderful energy. There was a nice breeze that made the evening feel comfortable. It was a very pleasant evening.

By the ride home, my brain is exhausted. Even though her English is better than most, it’s still very difficult to understand her. She loves to talk and I’m just tired from trying to follow and answer and explain. Then she pulls out the big guns. “If you have no religion, how do you know how to behave correctly”? I’m not sure if she means me or if this is the collective you. My brain goes all foggy and I feel quite grounded. I feel like I understand the answer to this question fully, but have no words or energy left to explain it. I have no desire to answer the questions, but that would be rude so I try the best I can to explain what I believe. I think it’s possible to live in harmony with life, other people, the world around you because it’s the right way to live, not because your religion tells you to. I don’t think I did a good job of explaining. She asked if I could forgive people. I explained that it sometimes it was difficult, but most of the time, yes, it’s very easy. If you see the truth of the situation, you will see that the other person didn’t do anything wrong or they acted out of fear or some other emotion or that you are reacting out of fear or some other emotion. Again, I don’t know that this translated either. But she now thinks I’m an amazing person that forgives easily. Then she went on for the rest of the ride about if you live a good life and don’t do bad things and give money and prayers to the temple, you will come back in your next life with everything you need. You will be rich, smart and happy. If you do bad things in this life you will come back as an animal or have a bad life or come back with no body so no one can see you. I use to believe in karma, but have since decided I don’t buy into in the hard and fast rule that if you do good this life you will be rewarded in the next. I do believe the energy you put out is the energy you will get back. All I could see as she spoke tonight was the fear of bad and clinging to maybe the future will be good. What a wicked game we play.

Tonight I took another speed shower, but mostly because I’m afraid of what is lurking in the corners or under the tub.

20160517_165223 — My bored at the shop face

20160517_174239 — They leave the plastic on their charms

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No Water

On May 15, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

Yesterday was extremely uneventful. I worked on tagging old blogs so hopefully they are more searchable. I met a friend for lunch. I sat by the pool. I tried Tinder again. One guy said he lived outside town and only had a bicycle. So, he can’t take a taxi? Tinder said he was only 6 miles from me. Lame. No one else responded. It was a real hot day and the heat kicked my ass. By the time I was done with dinner I didn’t even feel like getting a massage. Sleep was the only thing that sounded do-able. I did find this good pizza place so this was my second night eating there.

Today, after the sad breakfast that my hotel provided, I went in search of an atm, water and snacks for the bus. It took a while to find an atm and google maps was useless in this endeavor. After I got money, water and snacks, I went back to check out of the hotel. There’s an atm machine right at the hotel. If I had just looked left instead of right, I would have saved myself some time and frustration. Got a taxi to the bus station. Got a bus ride home. It was more expensive than the bus ride up, but I’m too hot to bargain shop. Maybe I’m paying more for air con that works on the bus. Wrong. I guess I was paying more for a bottle of water and mystery snacks. One snack they gave me was a pastry with meat, carrots and something green in it. The other one looked like a tiny hamburger bun with purple goo in it – taro? I love taro so I was quite happy with that one. It was a long (3.5 hours) hot bus ride, but the bus didn’t break down!

No one was able to pick me up from the bus stop so I had to take a motorbike taxi home. I hate those. Flying down the road 50 miles an hour on the back of someone’s motorbike with no helmet. Not to mention it was so hot, it felt like my flesh might melt off. Made it home safely.

I didn’t have running water when I left, but it seemed to be ok when I got home. But now we are back to no running water. I really don’t know if I can handle this. I just want to take a shower, but I can’t. I can’t flush my toilet. I don’t want to cook because I can’t wash dishes. I have a concrete tub in my bathroom, but the water doesn’t look very clean. It has a film on the top of it and dead bugs in it. I asked Q if he had water and he wanted to know if I needed water to drink. I have that. He didn’t seem too concerned about no running water. Both he and Pat said they’d talk to the janitor tomorrow. I was ready to pack up my suitcases and call it and go back to the US, but I can’t go anywhere.

When I had lunch with Rob yesterday, he was telling me how he loved living in Chaing Mai. His apartment is nicer than where he lived in the UK. He likes his job, has friends, and go places. He was going to the gym to play badminton after lunch. The main reason I decided against the Peace Corps is because I wanted a nicer lifestyle. I might have had better accommodations or at least the same in the Peace Corps. So, I question why I’m here? Couldn’t I be learning the same lessons if I lived in a bigger city and loved living in Thailand? Who knows. I’m trying to be present with what is and it’s not difficult to stay present, but I do find that I still want there to be a reason or a purpose to all this or to know how it will all turn out and I have no clue.

Pictures – I did get a picture of the US Consulate yesterday when I walked by it again. See below.

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20160513_172018 — My Favorite Fruit – Mangosteen

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Thoughts

On May 13, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yesterday I got a body scrub. It’s the first time I’ve felt clean in over a week. I just am hot and sweaty all the time in Sam Ngao and I don’t feel like I’m really getting clean when I shower only to be sweating 3 minutes later. Then Wednesday I didn’t have any water at the house so there was no shower to be had. I had some coffee shop time, some pool and read Game of Thrones time and I did some coloring in my new Under the Sea coloring book.

I tried Tinder again. Made some matches and chatted with a few guys. I was hoping to meet someone to have dinner with, but didn’t. I posted about it on facebook and got a bunch of replies cheering me on or telling me how to Tinder better. At some point it just seems like a lot of work and by the time I was hungry I was glad to go eat alone. I need to move somewhere cooler. I think the heat takes all my energy and motivation. Of course, I’m also questioning all my thoughts and beliefs about ‘alone’ too since that has historically been my biggest issue. In the past I would swing between craving a relationship and not wanting to be around any people. Now it no longer feels like a swing with big highs or lows on either side. It feels more like an electrical short. One minute I want company and conversation, the next I want to sit alone, then another minute I’m completely indifferent. It switches so quickly that it feels silly to make any plans because it’s going to change. It switches quickly, but none of it has much emotional charge to it. There’s no craving, no sadness, no longing, just a quickly changing preference. Now if only that would happen with my opinion of the heat…..

Today has been uneventful – breakfast and more coloring. I ventured out to explore more of Chaing Mai and then went and hid from the heat in a coffee shop. Think I’ll try to explore more after I write this blog. Or give up and go back to the pool.

So, those of you following how I find AH Almaas relevant to my journey, the rest of this is for you. I know that I’m not seeing life correctly. With this knowledge, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do. There is no real basis for waking up with the dreads, not liking teaching, hating the heat or thinking I should be planning what is next. The chapter I’m reading is talking about how the world we live in is all concepts in our mind. “Even if our mental world is lonely, and we gain little pleasure from our experiences, our thoughts are familiar and give us an illusion of security and control that binds us to them. We may see no alternative to this way of understanding ourselves and our world. Because we believe it’s reality. How can we think of an alternative? Even if we think of and long for freedom, we think of freedom within that world”. He suggested a meditation where you observe your thoughts. Not the content of the thoughts, don’t try to figure out what they mean, but just notice the thinking process. When does the thought arise, when does it stop, how long is the gap before the next thought arises? It doesn’t matter what the thought is about or how it makes you feel, just look at the strings of thoughts and gaps. No need to do something or react to the thought, see it as thinking itself. I’ve tried this a few times. It’s interesting. That’s all I’m going to say about it right now. Try it and see for yourself.

Gardens

On May 7, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I didn’t do much exciting today. I spent a good part of it at the coffee shop. I don’t think Thais hang out in coffee shops for hours the way we do so they probably think I’m nuts or wonder when I’m ever going to leave. So, rather than spend the whole day there I tried to go shopping.

I don’t know why, but going into the stores around town makes me very uncomfortable. I’m being stared at. I don’t know what half the stuff I’m looking at is. And if I have questions, forget it. I feel uncomfortable at the market, but I like it. I don’t like stores. Weird. So, shopping didn’t take up much time. Now what do I do?

I chased the mouse around the bathroom quite a bit today. Then tonight, found him dead. The bathroom is mine again, well, not really. There are probably 8 small geckos living in there and some bugs. Why do jumping spiders live near the toilet?

I tried to find the orange house of the lady who made me promise to come visit her. I didn’t find it. There were a few peach colored houses and some cedar colored houses. Too bad it wasn’t pepto bismol pink because there was only one of those and it was unmistakable or that equally obnoxious green house.

I went to the gardens up by the dam. At some point the road has manicured lawns along it and beautiful landscape. This makes me sad because I live in the woods and I want to live in a place with lawns and landscape. So this brings up the question: Why do certain things make us relax and others don’t when in reality, one isn’t better than the other? I think it’s a combination of familiarity and programmed preferences. The manicured lawns remind me of the US and of wealthier/nicer neighborhoods. The woods I live in make me think of snakes, bugs and other crawly things. There’s trash everywhere and it’s wild and uncared for. Granted, I’d rather look at pretty flowers than trash in a pile of dead leaves, but it’s the way looking at one vs the other actually changes the way I feel, my emotions, my nervous system, my energy level. The reality is one is not actually different than the other (except the trash), both are nature. My friend Corina and I were discussing this the other day as we were comparing me trying to rid my house of mice and tokays and she had squirrels in her garage. Somehow, the squirrels were not as bad as mice and tokays. But in reality, what is the difference? I also noticed this when I was in Vietnam and they drove on the “right” side of the road. I felt my system relax a little. I noticed this in Singapore too. Everything is clean, people drive politely, there are gardens and art everywhere. Why is planned landscape better than natural? I think part of may be because of the intention that was put into creating a garden or art, but it’s still interesting how physical the reaction is, not just a simple “aw, I like that”. And how automatic the reaction is that we may not even notice it enough to ask the question. So, apparently I want to live a wealthier lifestyle and I’m drawn to the things that represent that to me.

I read some more of Diamond Heart Book 4. I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s just amazing that whenever I read AH Almaas, he’s speaking directly to me as if he just wrote that chapter for me 5 minutes before I decided to read it. This only happens EVERY time I read his books. This time it was about how the problem is that we aren’t seeing correctly. We aren’t seeing reality. We are seeing concepts we learned a long time ago. We are seeing concepts in our brains. I was just talking about how I feel like I’m not seeing correctly. And I think the previous paragraph fits into this as well. Maybe I should read more Almaas and less Game of Thrones…….

Daylight

On May 6, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, Uncategorized3 Comments

Daylight helps so much. Nothing looks quite as dire during the day. I woke up not happy, but not completely covered in bugs so that’s a plus. I hardly slept at all last night. It was so hot that I just laid in bed sweating trying to lay as close to the edge as I could so I got full effect of the fan. I’m still amazed how much my face can sweat. I noticed that I’m just holding all the stress of it all kind of like holding my breath, waiting until September. I can’t hold my breath until September. I can’t live like this that long. I still don’t know how to let the holding go. I tried to cry or get angry, but it’s not an emotional thing. I’ve done that work for years. Cognitively I understand that it’s an issue of seeing. None of this looks the way I wanted it to. The fairy tale I was fed as a child isn’t true. No knight in shining armor is coming to save me. I wanted a more comfortable life than this. I wanted to live in a different culture, but in a city with expats I could be friends with and the ability to get around easier. And then I wanted the next step in my process to present itself easily. And some how money would appear and I’d live happily ever after. It doesn’t look like that. I need to see differently. Last night as I typed that I was feeling broken, I thought maybe I need to be broken. Maybe it’s like losing all that muscle I lost a few months ago, where I felt that I had to lose it all to start over. Maybe I have to be broken, have everything I want not possible so I can let go of how it “should be” and really see. Maybe it’s already happening.

The janitor came over and finished covering holes in my house. There are so many he didn’t do because it would take a month full time to cover every hole, but I think we got the ones that mice and tokays could get through. Speaking of mice, I found the one living in my bathroom. We both chased him around for 5 minutes and then he disappeared. Like magic. I have no idea where he went. So mind boggling. There must be a secret trap door that only mice and frogs know about.

Now I’m sitting in the coffee shop in air conditioning and wondering how they can actually get that much sugar to dissolve in a latte. On my way here, I ran into one of the teachers, Pit. I don’t know Pit’s actual title, but he’s kind of like an assistant principle. He and one of the other teachers looked so happy to see me. They both mentioned the air conditioning. So, I will have air con in the future. As usual, I’m not clear on the full content of the conversation, but I think the air con unit will be here on the 15th.

So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to try putting tags in my blog so that they are searchable by others. Or at least, that’s what I think it will do. I’m not sure because the whole thing about hashtags has me mystified. I understand it makes things searchable, but I have no idea who is searching for some of the things I’ve seen hashtagged. I have no idea how someone goes about searching. And above all I have no idea why. So, if you get a bunch of emails in the near future saying I updated a blog, sorry. I don’t know if WordPress sends an email every time I make and update or only when I post a new blog. Also, if you have any good ideas of hashtags I should use, let me know.

More Chaing Mai

On May 1, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Thailand, Uncategorized1 Comment

I like this part of Chaing Mai that I’ve been staying in. Of course, I probably like this area because it’s a more expensive place to live so with nicer condos comes nicer restaurants, shops, etc. I’d rather be staying in a hotel than an condo, but it’s a real nice condo.

I found a language school near the condo. The shortest class they offered was 20 hours. I don’t have that much time. My brain would explode if I tried to do that many hours over a few days anyway. I went in and talked to them anyway and asked if I could do private lessons. I signed up for 3 hours Friday and 3 hours yesterday. My teacher was a wonderful, cute, young, energetic lady. She taught me basic sentence structure and gave me good worksheets I can refer to later. That is good because I have forgotten just about everything she taught me. She basically gave me everything I would have learned in the 20 hour class. My brain did not explode, but it was touch and go for a while there. Not much stuck. I think it will come back as I study the worksheets later. We went to lunch together the first day and then the second day I offered to buy her a coffee on break. She took me to her favorite coffee shop and made me order in Thai. Now, I just have to put in the time to practice.

I worked on some stuff for my engineering company. It wasn’t much, but every little bit of income helps. I spent way more on vacation than I made. I hung out in the pool. I hung out in the condo and watched bad American and Thai tv. Thai soap operas are horrible. Their game shows are hysterical. For American tv they had bad cop shows, Grim, a firefighter show, A Minute to Win It, the ScyFi channel and a movie channel.

I got massage almost every day. My fingers hurt. I wonder what’s going on with them. I wonder if I’m getting arthritis, but assume it’s something else. My shoulders are very tight. It feels like my muscles are burning, like a chemical burn, when they work on them. My hamstrings and IT bands are pretty flexible though which has never been something I could say. I got a body scrub one day instead of a massage. Unlike the one in Vietnam, it didn’t hurt. At no time did I think I might be bleeding or might need a trip to the hospital. After, she put on oil. It didn’t feel like massage oil or lotion. It felt like she was turning my skin into silk. Oh, I wish I had asked what she used because it was a marvellous feeling. Now my knee caps are peeling. With all the sun I got over the past two months, no part of my body has peeled except my knee caps. So weird and fascinating.

I went on a few google maps adventures. Some of the restaurants I asked it to lead me to didn’t exist. Some of the routes were impossible. Still, how did we ever do anything before google?

I had a session with my teacher. He thought the hurting fingers might be a diet thing – too much starch. That might explain the burning muscles too. That or I have a rare horrible burning muscle disease. It’s probably diet. Nothing monumental happened in the session, but that’s not unusual for me. It did come out that I’m just not in a place where I have a bunch of emotional processing to do. I’ve worked through so much of that. It seems that now I’m down to Muscle Zero, that what I need to do is rebuild muscle while rebuilding my center. So, how do I rebuild? DSE exercises! In the past I did these exercises regularly and they usually put me into process, helping me work through the stuff that came up. I’m excited to see what the exercises will do now as I try to rebuild my body and energy system. So, I’m ready to go home with a new resolve of doing this conscious movement, finding a way to work out/lift weights, and seeing if I can eat better. The eating better will be hard as I can hear ice cream taunting me from somewhere off in the distance as I write this.

Strange food experiences of the week! I think this will be a regular feature of my blog. I went out for ice cream one afternoon. I found a place that advertised snow ice. It could be ice cream. I couldn’t tell from the pictures. I’m more adventurous with dessert than other foods so let’s see. I ordered the watermelon snow ice. It was gigantic. I couldn’t eat it all, but I tried real hard. The best I could tell is that it was like a snow cone except they used sweetened condensed milk instead of ice. Then they put water melon balls and ice cream on top. And they gave you a red syrup on the side to put on the snow ice. It was a bit much, but I’ll probably forget that in the future and do it again. The other food adventure was one morning I went to get breakfast. I found a couple coffee shops that had coffee and cake. I didn’t want cake for breakfast. I found a place that had bread. By now, I was starving and decided garlic bread for breakfast would have to do. They put syrup on the garlic bread. How on earth is that a good idea? Why can’t there just be food that is savory without having to be sweet too? Not every food has to have every flavour in it. It was edible, but I wouldn’t rush out and try to re-create this food concept. This I won’t forget, but I suspect it will happen again not by choice.

On a similar note I had a weird restaurant experience. I saw a restaurant near my condo and went in. They didn’t have a menu out front so I asked to see a menu. They asked if I wanted whiskey or beer. The place was called a café. I wanted a menu. They gave me a menu and then seven of them stood by my table and watched me look through the menu. This has happened often before where the waiter or waitress stands by the table waiting to take your order while you look through the menu. But it was seven women. I felt like an animal at the zoo. “What will it do next”? I’m not sure what was going on, but I decided I didn’t want to eat there.

I tried Tinder. It’s a dating app, but less intensive than most websites. It’s a weird concept to me. It shows you a picture of someone nearby and you either “like” them or not. If you hit the X or swipe to the left they go away forever. If you hit the heart or swipe right they go into your likes category. You don’t get to see the next picture until you’ve decided on the first. If you like them and they like you then you can send messages. There can be few photos and a short description you can look at. It tells you their age too. It only shows people that are physically nearby you. You decide what radius to look at. I messaged two guys, but didn’t meet up with anyone. I don’t think I like this app, but I am extremely curious to what comes up in the app when I get to Sam Ngao. And it might be a good way to meet people to have dinner with in the future when I go to other places for the weekend. We’ll see.

I’m feeling drawn to write a book based on my blog. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know if I need to get my blog out to more people first or if I just write the book. I don’t know how to go about getting a book published. Maybe it’s just a matter of advertising on my blog and getting it out to more people to make money, but it feels more like a book to me than a money making blog. If any of you out there have ideas of how to make this happen, please let me know. You can email me at rrainefiore@gmail.com. I might try putting hashtags in my old blogs so they can be found easier by people I don’t know that may be interested in reading. If you haven’t subscribed to my blog, but are following it regularly, please do so as I assume the number of followers I have will be useful in marketing to a publisher. If you are not interested in subscribing to my blog, that’s fine too. I don’t want to pressure anyone. I know how annoying it can be to receive emails you don’t want. I may try advertising on my blog too. If I do and you find it takes away from the blog, let me know as I’m still figuring all this blog stuff out. I don’t mind advertising that’s off to the side, but if it highjacks my blog or gets in the way of readers enjoying my blogs, then it’s not worth it.

20160428_190708 — 3 headed elephant statue

20160429_155329 — This penguin made my snow ice, I think

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More Beach

On April 20, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Bali, UncategorizedLeave a comment

After breakfast and some pool time, my friend arrived at the hotel. We changed rooms in the hotel. We went to Seminyak beach which is a busier beach than the one the hotel is near. It still wasn’t the crowded mess I had heard of. The streets in Seminyak were crowded with traffic and lined with stores, but it had a nice feel to it, I thought. We went in search of a place that would do henna tattoos, but failed on that hunt. Better hunting tomorrow. They do the bean bag beach bars here too, but there’s a lot more of them. I got some pictures of them after they had set up for the sunset crowd. I didn’t get any pictures of them at sunset, but it was nice to just sit in bean bags and watch the waves come in. We also bought a couple of movies to take back to the hotel. I was surprised that Allegiant was already out. But when we went to buy it, they said it might not be good quality. Aha, it’s an illegal copy. We got it anyway. It was ok quality.

I’m feeling a combination of opposites. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of being alone. I don’t want to go back to work, but I’m missing the lack of routine. I’m tired of doing. I’m tired of sitting still. I feel out of place. I don’t like heat. I don’t like heat – oh wait, no opposite there. I feel like I should decide what I’m going to do with my life after teaching. But why do I have to decide that now? How is making a decision now living in the flow of life? I’m trying to live now and the future keeps hopping into my thoughts. When it does, it brings anxiety and “should” and exhaustion. Overall, I spend an enormous amount more of my time living now, but the future still has a bit of a hold on me. And, now that I am so much more aware, I can feel what living for the future does to a body so much stronger. So, I just watch it when it happens and note how it makes me feel and question who is watching. I think this is all part of a bigger shift trying to happen.

I found it easier when I was watching the sunset yesterday to just melt into oneness and now than I did tonight. I think it’s harder for me when I’m with other people. I still have thoughts that tell me I have to be a certain way, have conversations, do things, be witty, be nice, behave like all the other people, etc.

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The Plan

On April 7, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

My experience with making a plan is that 90% of the time nothing goes according to the plan. Still, we make plans. Today was no different. The first beach I chose was supposed to have the blackest sand on this side of Bali according to the guide book. I got there and it was a construction zone. Machines were moving large boulders around. The tide was in so there was no beach. I could tell that if there had been a beach, it would have had very black sand. So, back into the POS to find the next beach. I got to see rice fields on the way to and from the beach so, check! – Picture of rice fields. Now, one of the side roads I was going to take later to see rice fields didn’t need to happen. The next beach was supposed to have a ton of mica in the sand so it’s extra glittery. I like glitter. There was a parking lot and some Bali restaurants and not much else. Since the tide was still in, the water came up to the wall. I could tell from the parking lot, that, yes, this would be a glittery beach, but not right now. I tried to order lunch, but all they had was fish. How do you have fish, but not shrimp? Then again, Google Translator could be lying. It does that often. I gave up and decided to eat lunch at the next beach. The next beach was not part of the plan, but I was determined to get a beach. No, not a beach. It was a harbor for a very large ferry and more dive operations than I’ve ever seen in one location. I did find a restaurant for lunch though. So, that’s the end of the beach portion of the plan and we are 0 for 3.

At many points of the day I am sweating so hard that I think water is pouring out of my face. I didn’t think a face could sweat that much. I grew up in Florida, but I don’t remember heat and humidity like this.

I decided to head to the place I’m staying tonight. The road goes more inland. There is a water temple on the way which is the next part of the plan. Google Maps decides to not work so we are going by signs and the map in the guide book. It shouldn’t be an issue to get to Amed without google maps, but the water temple is probably a loss and hopefully the resort is easy to find when I get to Amed.

I’ve finally figured out what the white stripes on the road mean. If you see a white stripe on the road, there is a driving lane to the left of the stripe, a driving lane to the right of the stripe and a driving lane straddling the stripe. At some point the road narrowed and buildings lined both sides of the road so there was no way to pull over, stop and check the map. The road wound up and down with huge curves. Often, the buildings would go away on one side of the road revealing stunning views. I couldn’t take pictures of any of it because there was no where to stop and I need both my hands to drive. The signs did not lead me astray though. I only missed one turn – the one to the water temple.

I saw an area with about 20 cars parked so I assumed that might be the temple. I had to drive quite a distance before I found a place I could turn around. I wasn’t going to miss everything on the plan though so I went back and it was the parking for the water temple! Actually, it wasn’t a temple, but a water palace. Taman Tirta Gangga was built in 1948 and has two swimming ponds, and a bunch of other ponds with fountains and koi in them. My favorite had stepping stones at water level so it felt like you were walking on water. They led different paths through the water like a labyrinth. As I headed back to my car there was a guy with snakes you could pay to pose with for pictures. He also had a bat and tiny owls. OWLS. My distaste of animal tourism out the window. Hell yea, I’ll pay you to hold a tiny owl and get my picture taken.

After that I headed to Amed by way of sign instead of electronic map. The road got smaller and smaller until it was slightly larger than one lane. Yet from the signs advertising guesthouses and scuba diving, I knew I was on the right path. I almost missed the sign that pointed to the place where I’m staying, but managed to hit the brakes and turn at the last second. I parked near the entrance and a guy asked if I was Kim.

This is no five star resort, but I’m in love with it. The dive shop is at the same place as the hotel so I was able to check in and I don’t have far to go tomorrow morning. There are a row of rooms on either side of a courtyard. Almost the entire courtyard is taken up by a pool. There’s a restaurant and a short distance from the restaurant and the pool is a black sand beach. You can see huge mountains when you are in the ocean. Each room has a covered deck looking out to the ocean and the decks all have bean bag chairs on them. My room is large, very yellow and has a bed built into the middle of the room. I can hear the ocean from my room. I stayed here for dinner because I’ve had enough venturing out for today and because I love this place. The food was great and I got to catch up on yesterday and today’s blogs.

I checked in with Mom. My brother is there again. They were getting ready to go to the funeral of my cousin’s son. The funeral for my Mom’s husband is Saturday. I wish I could be there. I’ve been struggling with feeling like I should go back and feeling very strongly that it isn’t the right decision. There’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want to go back to Sam Ngao and teach. That part is telling me to move back to the US. To stay in Sam Ngao would be the more difficult choice. I don’t feel that it’s the right time to go back to the US. I’m stuck again in the place of what “should” I do. I’m thinking of the future instead of being here. I’m feeling like I need to have a plan, make a decision, control the situation. But, I know that this is all part of the learning. The truth is that I don’t know the right answer, I don’t have to make a decision now and if I control the situation, it will not turn out happy for me. So, as uncomfortable as it is for me, I wait. I wait for life to unfold and happen the way it should.

I also had the thought on the dive boat yesterday that I would love to be on a boat and diving every day. Then I had the thought that I don’t have the money to get my dive master certification and it would be a hard life financially. I see that I took something wonderful that I was enjoying and in my head made it impossible to have that as my life. Instead, my life will be teaching in Sam Ngao, moving to Wisconsin which I have no desire to do, or some unknown other thing that is also ok, but I don’t love it. So, the belief that there’s not enough for me is still in operation at a very subtle level. I can never really have what I want. This has been one of my core issues. I want to love my life. I want to love my work and have it be enough financially. I want to put an end to drama and the need for there to always be some hurdle to get over. And it’s tied to doing and planning. And it’s tied to what’s going on with Mom. And it’s tied to the dissolving of the ego. So for now, I have no plan and I don’t know what I’m going to do in a couple weeks when vacation is over. I have no idea how I’m going to get that job I love or what that job is. I’m just watching what comes up and noticing it.

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	eaglegenuinec87d1476… on Going Home
	delicately4f6d967f14 on Going Home
	delicately4f6d967f14 on Icebergs
	delicately4f6d967f14 on ATV Tour
	eaglegenuinec87d1476… on Kluane

Rraine Drops

Tag: Spiritual