I had an interesting thought today. If, in my 20s, I had done what I’m doing now, people would say I was traveling and living abroad to find myself. I thought, what an interesting twisted concept. So many times I’ve heard people say they are taking time off to find themselves. It’s self identification that is the source of issues. And yet, finding oneself is often a lofty goal. On many occasions, when people ask why I moved abroad, I said to shake things up, to get lost. I’m trying to lose myself.
As I’m adjusting to life in Thailand, changes in how I see the world and myself in it are happening. These changes started long before Thailand. These are results of many many years of hard work and investigation into what is real. So the rest of this blog is going to be about things that are spiritual in nature and difficult to explain because they can only be experienced. So, if this is not your cup of tea, this blog post is not for you.
I’ve been talking about foggy brain since I got to Thailand. After a session with my teacher and a friend confirming what I was suspecting, I don’t think it’s just too much sugar or too much rice although those things might contribute. I think things are rewiring in my brain. I’ve spent my whole life thinking the world worked a certain way and that things I was taught were true, things we were all taught were true. My childhood helped me create an ego, a story of how life is and I believed it completely. I’ve spent a long time digging into those stories and finding how believing the world is unsafe makes it unsafe and it’s a story not a truth. Finding that I’m my own biggest judge and the judgments are not true, but I believed that’s who I was. But, if I’m not who I thought I was, if I’m not my ego story, who am I? Sorry to tell you, I don’t have that answer quite yet. I have glimpses of it, but it’s still presenting itself and the ego is still trying to put it in terms it understands and make it fit in the old story. But, it appears to me that a lot of the foggy brain is my ego dissolving. Up to now, I had just been able to expose the lies and discover the truth. I became healthier and changed my posture and continue to see life with very little judgement, but some of my identity remained with my story. Now enough of my story has been proven wrong and the rest is just dissolving without me having to work through it. My brain doesn’t know what to do without the story so it just goes blank and fuzzy. In a place that is so foreign, where I’m lost and alone, the ego is having trouble finding familiar things to hold on to and it’s grip on my identity was already severely undermined with all the years of investigation.
I had someone make the comment that how can I have gone through this much work and graduated from Awakening to Presence class and still be suffering so much. I immediately was confused by the question. I don’t feel like I’m suffering. So, I thought maybe others reading my blog don’t see the fine differentiation that seems to not be there, but in reality is giant. Most of what I’m experiencing is challenging and entertaining, but not suffering. It’s not suffering because I chose this and because I’m not believing it should be another way. The travel from the US to Thailand were suffering, I’ll give you that. The challenges here have brought up feelings of wanting to go home, being overwhelmed and other stresses. Most of that is culture shock and I know that so I’m just holding on waiting for it to work it’s way through. Just because I’ve done all this spiritual work doesn’t make me immune to culture shock any more than it makes me immune to feeling horrible when I’m sick. I think maybe I haven’t portrayed that well in my blogs. I don’t think awakening means bliss, peacefulness and lack of discomfort for the rest of your life. Sorry to those of you who are seeking that. That is why I signed up for Awakening to Presence class 9 years ago. And when I finally fully got it that it was impossible, I was crushed. I also think that spiritual leaders that are portraying their lives as without challenge are not telling you the whole story. Then again, if I had gotten that in the beginning, I might not have signed up. But on this side I understand fully that Truth is what I want, not perfect happy all the time.
I have written this blog and many others several times. Half way through my thoughts no longer can be put in words and gibberish comes out of the keyboard as I realize that this is so hard to explain because it has to be experienced. So, I ask in the future that if you read a blog and think I’m suffering or “poor Rraine”, ask yourself if that is your story. Can you see it from a different angle, one with humor and lack of the thought it should be different. Discomfort, pain, exhaustion, crying and other feelings still exist, but if I don’t judge them as “it shouldn’t be” they are just feelings that come and go. If I judge them, it isn’t for long before I realize I’m doing it and then I can let the judgement go. I will try to paint this side of the picture more clearly.
I tried to sleep in as late as I could, but I just feel yucky. I try to cry or scream or figure out how to release this, but I can’t so I just get up. Maybe leaving Mae Sot will help and that’s on the schedule for today anyway.
I had another meh breakfast and then my taxi arrived early to take me to the bus station. So, I was way too early, but that’s ok. I didn’t have any issue with my ticket bought on line so that was good. It was a different bus station than the one I came into and the bus was sold out so I’m real glad I got the ticket ahead of time on line.
The bus has a stewardess of sorts who takes our tickets, finds where we are getting off, gives us water and a very random snack. When I tell her Ba tan cuen, she doesn’t understand me although I know she does. I tell her about 3 or 4 times and she keeps saying Chaing Mai (the final stop)? She repeats Ba tan cuen with a distrusting look several times and then walks off shaking her head. Several times during the trip she asks me again. I try to explain I live and teach there, but she thinks I’m nuts.
I was told or read somewhere that this stretch of road is dangerous on a bus. I rode in on a van and was wondering what it would be like on a bus. It’s not scary so much as it’s just intense. There are a lot of trucks and buses on the road. It’s steep and full of switch backs. There’s not much you can do as you are getting tossed side to side a lot. I try to read, but writing or typing on the computer is out of the question. There are no run away truck lanes like there would be in Colorado, but I don’t smell burning brakes either. Some of the hills, the bus struggles to even get up. I’m sitting on the wrong side again to get any pictures of the mountain views. I tried to get pictures, but they don’t do it justice, of course. I’m dropped off at the correct stop even though she still looks skeptical and then I have to take the motorbike taxi back home.
Now I’m guessing the police stops on the way into and out of Mae Sot may have something to do with refugees. I’m not sure, but that makes the most sense. I did some research on line about the Burmese refugees. It was quite eye opening, but that is all I will say about it.
I wanted to go out to the temple tonight to see what the holiday celebration might be like, but by the time I heard the monks on the loud speaker, I was tired and just wanted to shower and eat so I didn’t go out after all. Now, I’m kinda bummed I didn’t go.
I’m using my new phone as a wifi hot spot as I write this so that’s a huge hooray!
My house is just full of bugs and I’m over it. My bedroom floor was covered in wings when I got home. There were some bugs. I don’t know what they were – termites, flying ants? I swept it all up and didn’t do much looking at the bugs because I just don’t want to know. My head has been itching for days so I wonder if I got bugs in my hair now. I feel like I’m 8 years old again. I washed my hair twice today although, I doubt that will do any good. I looked at my sheets and they were covered in tiny dead gnats that I’ve been battling every night when I try to read on my nook. Still, the amount of bug on the outside top of the bug net lets me know it’s not a complete failure. Guess I’m sleeping on my sleeping bag tonight and washing sheets tomorrow. I did get an electronic bug thing that Laura recommended. It’s for mosquitoes, but maybe it’ll deter other bugs too. Fingers crossed. Alright, I’m going to leave it on that note so all of you reading this can share in my creepy crawly feeling.
So, there are roosters in Mae Sot too. No sleeping in. I debated leaving the hotel or not. I’m still not sure what this mix of hating and loving Mae Sot is. I have the thought that if I decide to stay in Thailand, but leave Sam Ngao, I’d like to live in Mae Sot. But, I don’t want to leave the room. There isn’t much in the way of sights to see. I thought about trying to get to see a waterfall since there should be some fairly close, but decide on going to the Border Market instead. But first, I have to get my bus confirmation for tomorrow printed, get breakfast (free at the hotel) and figure out how I’m getting to the bus tomorrow. Google translator for the win. Bus confirm printed and they will call a taxi for me tomorrow morning. Breakfast was disappointing, but good enough to tackle a market. They call a taxi for me since it will probably be an hour bike ride. The hour ride to the market might be wonderful, but then it will get hot and I won’t want the ride back. Lonely Planet says the market is unique because of all the Karen, Hmong and Burmese crafts that can be found there. Plus lots of jade and gems from Myanmar. It’s the best market I’ve seen in Thailand. Not too big, but so many things, textiles, clothes, electronics, cosmetics, jewelry, jade, jade, gems, jade, metal work, wood work, furniture, strange food, on and on. There was one entire row of dried fish products. It was right next to the Friendship Bridge that goes over the river that is the border. There were tons of cars on the bridge, but people walking over with suitcases too. I read that this border was only opened in 2013. I also read that there are tons of refugee camps near Mae Sot. There were people camping next to the river and both sides were run down and horrible looking. Even though it’s just lines on a map, it’s very weird to stand in one foreign country and look at another.
So glad I took the taxi because it got hot. As I’m sitting waiting for a taxi, I realize why I’m having such polar opposite feelings. I like Mae Sot. It’s not a big city like Bangkok, but it’s a city and everything is moving. Product moved from here to there and then over there. Stuff and people in and out and around. There are plant nurseries, warehouses, mom and pop shops all next to houses and farms. There are animals and cars and bicycles all going down the street together. Cultures and religions are all intermixed. The city feels like it’s breathing on it’s own. There’s a rhythmic flow to all this movement that I don’t understand, but it does and it is just doing it’s thing. Then, on the other side of the river is a country that is trying to rebuild and figure itself out. There are thousand of Burmese refugees living in refugee camps in Thailand. Some of those camps are near Mae Sot. The feeling at the bridge is tentative, movement, but forced and uncomfortable. Many of these refugee camps have been set up for 20 to 30 years. Many refugees have never known a life outside a camp. Even though the border is open and it appears easy to come and go, I’m literally sitting under the bridge between a relatively free, vibrant country and a very uncertain country. There’s a lot of opposites and an energetic line of fear and confusion in the middle. This is what I’ve been feeling so strongly. And of course, it resonates with all the parts of me that want to trust in the flow of life and all the parts that still don’t trust it’s a safe world. I don’t cross the bridge, mostly because I don’t want to pay any fees, but symbolically because I want to live in the flow instead of the fear. I will have to cross that bridge another day in the future when I need to do a border hop for my visa. We’ll save it for then.
I had signed up for a cooking class at 3:00. I have 2 hours to kill so I head out on bike in search of a coffee shop. Either there are no coffee shops in Mae Sot, or google maps is lying again. I give up and find a restaurant that has coffee. Then I arrive at the place where the cooking class is and it’s delightful. It has a fair trade hand made crafts store in the front, the kitchen and then a tea garden in the back. The tea garden is so nice. There’s one other lady in the cooking class. They give us a cookbook full of local dishes (none are Thai). We get to pick a snack, main dish, salad and drink to make. Then we go to the market to buy the ingredients. We make the dishes and then get to eat them in the tea garden. There’s enough food for at least two more meals so I’ll get to eat them tomorrow. We picked a lime basil juice which might be one of the best things I’ve ever tasted. We had a ginger salad, Karen pumpkin curry and banana coconut wraps.
There was another lady in the tea garden at the same time and three of us got to talking. The woman in the cooking class with me works for the US government and is here for 6 weeks interviewing refugees. It sounds like it’s part of the process of deciding which ones will be allowed to relocate to the US. The other lady is here for about the same amount of time working in a clinic for refugees. She’s in between medical school and getting a job back in the UK. I learned a lot more about the refugee issue, although I mostly learned that I don’t really know anything about the subject. This cooking class is the most enjoyable thing I’ve done since I got here.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
Gem Stone TreesOoooooo Shiny thingsThey put water in these powders and put all over their faces
The Friendship Bridge looking toward MyanmarStanding in Thailand with Myanmar behind me
So I got up super early and drove to the hospital. I was told to park there since the bus stop is next door. Riding an old motor bike in the dark with bad headlights is sketchy, especially when you come upon a dog sleeping in the middle of the road. Dogs are a major source of motorbike accidents in Thailand. There was no one at the bus stop at 6:30. There were a three kids there by 7:00am. So, I was obviously told the wrong time. Was it a joke on the foreigner? Oh well, at least I wasn’t late for the bus. It was a big loud bus full of students. There were adults too, but mostly students. The bus honked at everything that moved and as it was approaching every stop. It was standing room only by the time we got to the bus station in Tak. It was nice to see a teenage boy give up his seat next to me for someone else. It’s typical for younger people to give up their seats for older people. I then had to change to a mini van to get to Mae Sot. The seats on the mini van were tiny and every seat was full. It was a very interesting drive. The roads were steep and very curvy. Of in the distance you could see row and row of mountains (shadows of mountains really since it’s so smoky here). We drove through several national parks so there was nothing but jungle. The steepness of the roads reminded me of Colorado, if Colorado had jungle.
We went through 3 police check points. I found that odd. At the 3rd one, a policeman checked IDs. I wondered what they were looking for. Drugs, gems, poachers? When we got to Mae Sot I got a motorbike taxi to my hotel, well to the wrong hotel and then to the right one. This was foreshadowing for my afternoon. Mae Sot looks different than anything else I’ve seen in Thailand. I can’t quite identify what it is that is different. It’s a border town near Myanmar and has a large concentration of hill tribes, Karen and Hmong. It also has a large Muslim population and Chinese population. The only thing I can figure is these influences made tiny differences in buildings, streets, clothing, etc and creates a distinct, but indescribable difference. I tried to define it or capture it in a picture but i just can’t.
I got to my hotel and I didn’t want to leave. I was overcome with a strong feeling of “I like Mae Sot” combined with “I hate it here”. There was a lot of fear and I just wanted to crawl in bed and hide. I watched tv for awhile and tried to find a phone store on google maps. I tried to convince myself that it was ok if I locked myself in my room all weekend. The part of me that needs a new phone and reliable wifi won. The hotel had bicycles I could use for free and “how do I rent a motorbike” was not being understood. So, I took the bicycle into town on a wild goose chase sponsored by google maps. The first place it took me was a Tesco which are like Walmarts here. They usually have other stores around them including phone stores. I went in and there were only two rows of shelves with stuff on them. It was creepy. The next place didn’t seem to exist. It kept taking me down roads that I swear were in the wrong direction. I had no idea where I was. The streets are narrow, full of cars, bicycles and motorbikes. Terrifying and fabulous all at the same time. There’s that mix of opposites again. There are stores and delivery trucks everywhere. The variety of things being sold and/or delivered was mindblowing. I still can’t process it and I saw it. The third place I went was a print shop. A guy across the street was drunk and bathing with a hose, fully clothed. Then he came over and sat in front of the print shop and then back across the street. Back and forth, soaking wet. I decided this would be a good time to go eat. The combination of Lonely Planet guide book and google maps got me to a Canadian restaurant that boasted having cheese. I tried to regroup. I had a cheese burger and fries. I got a hold of the phone company by Line (a text program widely used in SE Asia) and they told me there was a store in Robinsons and one in a different Tesco. Some British people eating next to me told me where the other Tesco was.
I have a new resolve to get this phone since I don’t want to go through this again tomorrow. On my way to Tesco, I stopped for a pedicure. She tried to get rid of my ingrown toenails which I usually don’t mind because they drive me nuts, but she cut too deep and my toe bled and still hurts hours later. So, now I’m grumpy, scared, hot, lost and injured. I found the dtac store and no one speaks English. I try using my phrase book and the guy behind the counter pulls out his phone and has me speak into it. It translates what I said to Thai. It doesn’t do the best job of translating. Some of the things he said got translated horribly to English, but it was enough to get a new phone that can be a mobile hot spot and to get a data package paid for. And I asked him to download the translator app too – google translator, who knew? Now, hopefully, it works at my house! I went back to the hotel and locked myself in. I tried to nap, but couldn’t. Around 8:00pm I decided I needed to go out and eat and see if I could get a massage. I used my new translator to ask where to go for a massage. They said 2 hours in my room for 500baht ($14). Deal! Who needs dinner?
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
Can I just stay here forever?Cheese on my burger and friesOn the phone store huntThose are funny looking dogs, no goats
Time to get to the real work – why am I really here. This has been so hard. I knew it would be. The whole time, I’m asking myself, why is it so hard. Beyond the obvious culture shock, new job, bugs, drastic change in standard of living, etc. I’ve done my inner work. I know that if I’m suffering, it’s a lie in my head. But I still can’t get out of hole of despair. My job here is to teach English, but the bigger job is to continue to Wake Up (and take my readers with me).
Last night when I was riding my bike up some ridiculous hill I just started crying. I can hear everything my next door neighbor does so I know if I just start screaming or crying at home, I’m going to have to answer some questions or at the very least, that information will go into the rumor mill and people will think I’m unhappy. I am unhappy, but not because the school isn’t taking care of me. I’m unhappy because it’s a giant change and a little too much to process all at once. I’m unhappy because I have my own unresolved issues that are coming to the surface because I am worn too thin to keep up the defenses against the issues. So, I was trying to push this tiny bike up a hill it wasn’t fit for and I just couldn’t hold back the tears again.
I’m unhappy because the people I want to love me, don’t reach out to see how I am doing. Everyone’s life went on as normal without me, as if they didn’t notice I left. These are the feelings coming up, not the reality of it. I have had amazing contact with some of my ATP classmates. I know people are reading and following my blog. I’ve talked to my family more that I use to. I know I have a bunch of friends planning to travel with me when I have time off. And now I have an entire school that will do anything to make me feel welcome so I will stay here. Ok, it’s not because they know and love me, but still, it’s an entire school. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of myself, physically and emotionally. I’ve spent most of my life craving and wishing for that someone special, that knight in shining armor to come and save me and take care of me because I’m so tired of doing it myself. I know that’s never going to happen, but I keep hoping for it anyway. Can I let go of the “need” for it to be one person, a mate, a knight? Can I let go of wanting it to be the person that is not interested or capable? Because if I can, I might be able to enjoy the fact that I’m being taken care of. It’s not a man that I find attractive with the promise of a life partnership together. It’s not happily ever after. It came in a different package. It’s a staff of teachers and a bunch of students.
On a slightly different issue (but still related, somehow), I’m frustrated with the wifi here. The possible solution is an hour’s drive away and I have a bicycle that doesn’t like hills. I supposedly live in the land of waterfalls, but I have no way to go find any of them. I have fellow TESOL teachers 2 and 3 hours away (by car, not bicycle). I feel stranded. I miss my car. It’s a frantic panic-y feeling. I was noticing it and questioning this correlation between freedom and mobility. One of the questions I’ve gotten a lot the last few days is am I lonely. It seems funny to me. No, I’m not lonely. I’m around teachers and students all day long. I can hear every time my next door neighbor sniffles or someone walks by. Back home, I was alone and isolated. I would spend about 90% of my week alone. I got lonely sometimes. The difference here is not lonely or not, it’s mobile or not. At home, if I was feeling isolated, I’d just get in the car and drive somewhere else. I have no issue roaming around Thailand, seeing the sights and scenery alone. I mind that I can’t roam. So, this connection/correlation/realization is still coming together, but since I just put them together today, I figured I’d write about it since it’s at the point where it will probably come together in the next week or so.
Enough of this stuck I can’t make decisions place. This needs to be worked through. I’m calling for help. I had a session with my coach on how stuck I feel and how I’m not quite on board with a life where I never know what’s next. I don’t like it. He asked me to ground and get in touch with my passion for going to Antarctica. I couldn’t find it. Then process came up and I cried (I usually cry). What came up for me is that all I want is to be married and stay at home and make art out of my my studio. I just want to create and make things, not have to worry about where the money will come from. Oh, so I want the feminine flow side of life without the worry of the male purpose. Whoa. If you look at this decision from the male/female energy perspective, I am trying to decide between the very masculine Antarctica option and the very feminine teaching in Thailand option. Hmmmmm…… Ok, unstuck, carry on.
I got home late last night and was so delighted to be home alone in my very quiet house. This morning I got up and felt overwhelmed with everything that still has to be done to leave and I felt totally and completely alone, lonely. How can alone be wonderful last night and feel devastating today? I’ve been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want, yet, now I feel like I am actively choosing it. I cried a lot today. Some of it was my friend’s stuff that I was carrying after visiting them. Some of it is because I just feel beat up with all the last minute Antarctica stuff. I have lost the ability to make decisions. I can’t pack or research because I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know if I am selling or renting my house. I am stuck. I had so much trouble working today or doing anything for that matter. Because one major decision can’t be made, my ability to make any decision is lost. This is very uncomfortable.
Tonight I went down to my room after the workshop was over and listened to my voicemail. There was a message from someone at PAE asking if I would be interested in the Construction Superintendent job at McMurdo. This is the job I really wanted in Antarctica. I am well suited for this job. The job would start in January. I had assumed I was going to Thailand and worked through my disappointment over not going to Antarctica. At first I felt angry and frustrated. I’ve been waiting for this since March. Why wait this long? Why now? I’ve packed most of my clothes. I’ve paid $1400 in vaccinations. I have a plane ticket to Thailand. My deposit for my TEFL class is paid. I paid for international health insurance for a year. I told everyone I am going to Thailand. What the fuck?! Now I might have to make decisions. I told Wendy, Michael and Ed and they are all excited for me. I don’t feel excited. I feel chaos and stress. Michael said “Oh, does life support Rraine? This is what you want”. This is what I want, but it didn’t come in the package I wanted. I spent years knowing I was quitting my job and doing something else, but not knowing what that something would be. It was so uncomfortable not knowing, not having a plan. I felt weak, indecisive, terrified, and stupid. Then when I finally made a plan to go to Thailand, it felt solid. Now I may abandon my plan and I’m back to feeling all those things again. Fuck you life, I can’t make this decision. So, I broke it down – why am I upset? I will lose all the money I have already spent – ok, it’s just money and there will be more money. I may appear flakey to the TEFL company and they may not want to postpone my class. Why do I care what they think? I’m afraid all the people I told I was going to Thailand will judge me. Again, why do I care what they think? I’m not even close most of the “they”. Those that are close to me get it. It’s my judge. It’s my inner mom telling me I have to finish what I start. I have to do what I said I would do. It’s fear of not having a plan (code for control over the situation). Without a plan, I will have nothing and won’t be able to take care of myself and then I’ll die. I feel unstable without a plan. I feel extra unstable if I abandon the perfectly good plan I had. I’m upset because this will add more to my to-do list and it’s already ridiculous. These and many I didn’t list are the surface reasons I am upset, but they are just there to distract me from the base issue. The base issue is that if I get this job, the one I wanted, I will have to accept the fact that Life does support me. This is contrary to everything I have ever believed. My entire life and much of my personality is based on the belief that there is not enough for me. This is what I’ve been working on so hard. I want reality to flip and to really get it that life supports me. I will have to live from the new truth, to not know and trust and change – forever. It’s so silly that this is so hard.
I just finished a week of an Awakening to Presence workshop in Pennsylvania. The workshop was amazing as always. I feel blessed to be able to witness the work of so many beautiful people and to be able to support them. I love watching the other assistant teachers step into their leadership. And it’s amazing to watch True Nature show up to show us what we are. I said goodbye to most of this group in June because I wasn’t sure when I was leaving. It was difficult to say goodbye again. I felt their love and respect which reminds me of why I am doing this work and why I am leaving. Part of why I am leaving is for me, my adventure, my learning and my experience. But I do believe this adventure will deepen my presence. It feels more like a widening than a deepening. If I can go out and explore the world with a wide openness, what will I find? If I can find it safe, rich, enjoyable and full, even in the midst of chaos, unfamiliarity, and fear, can I hold that knowledge in my body and my energy? Can I hold that for myself and others? I cognitively know this and I know this a bit from my experiences recently, but now I’m jumping off in the deep unknown to really test it so I may know it fully. I hope that others will follow me in their own way to knowing.
Rraine Drops 