Tag: Spiritual

On By rrainefioreIn Awakening, ThailandLeave a comment

Today I feel ready to move to Thailand. I feel that life supports me.  I feel like something else is going to happen job wise other than teaching English.  I am forging the way for something, I just don’t know what.  For me today, the question that keeps coming up is, why am I still afraid to awaken fully?  What am I actually afraid of?  The question comes up because I feel aligned with life, yet I have a headache and my back hurts.  What am I holding or am I just feeling stuff that other people around me are dealing with?  I’m still not good at know when I am feeling my issues in my body and when I’m feeling issues tha are actually someone else’s.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Cliche – I found myself at Burning Man

On By rrainefioreIn Burning ManLeave a comment

So, I won’t write about all my Burning Man stories.  But here are two highlights that are worth mentioning.

I did a full day shift unlocking cars with one of my favorite people, Katie.  That was the longest volunteer shift I’ve ever done and we just had a blast.  We rocked it at unlocking cars.  No locked car left behind.  Heroes for a day!  That was the best volunteer shift I’ve had on Playa.

That night I was supposed to go out with some friends, but I was very late due to a flat tire on my bike that just didn’t want to be fixed.  It took forever and when it finally was fixed, I headed out to see if I could find my friends.  One of them had left and the other was still in his camp.  I was so frustrated.  Nothing is going according to my plan.  So, I went out with other friends than the ones I had planned to.  One of the guys that went out with us was someone I had just met earlier that day.  I had barely paid attention earlier because he’s not the type I usually go for.  If it wasn’t for the flat tire, I’d have gone out with other friends earlier in the evening and might not have spent time with Zachery.  We ended up spending a lot of time together the rest of the week.  He’s considerate, interesting to talk to, and fun.  When I was with him, I felt like he was present with me.  I felt like he had nowhere else he wanted to be than with me.  I felt taken care of, I felt loved and desired.  I loved the way he looked at me.  I haven’t really felt this in a long time.  There was definitely a part of me that was still believing that I’m not lovable, that no matter what I do, there is no one to love me.  The only guys I found in the past were ones that didn’t want a serious relationship until the girl after me.  Or I was their second choice.  Or they told me I was wonderful and they hoped I found someone wonderful to love me (someone else).  I wonder if I have finally chosen differently.  I had forgotten that I am lovable and desirable and after this week, I could actually feel that I am.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I am more in touch with my femininity than I ever have been and I’m actually enjoying the uncertainty of it!  I cried a lot of the drive home, both because I was so happy to love myself again and because I was sad to say goodbye to this wonderful man.

I was sick with a sinus infection for most of the week.  I didn’t gel with my camp as much as I would have liked.  In no way did it turn out to be Easy Man, but, I wouldn’t change a thing.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Two

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I went on facebook this morning and saw pictures of a bunch of my friends at dinner the night before for a friend’s birthday.  Why wasn’t I invited?  I feel like all the people I invite to do things with me don’t think to invite me.  Am I the friend no one really likes, but no one wants to tell?  Why do I go through so much effort to include people or spend time with people who are not willing to do the same for me?  Am I choosing friends unwisely?  Why does everyone else seem to have a close group of friends and I’m always sort of a friend?  I feel if I stopped reaching out, I’d only have 3 or 4 friends.  Is there something inherently wrong with me?  Am I not lovable?  Am I just preparing to leave the country and life is just making it easier to go?  I think this a common human issue and a lot of us feel like this not knowing it just isn’t true.  Not realizing a lot of other people feel this way too.  Or knowing it’s a lie, but not knowing how to stop the reaction from happening.

I had a session with my coach today and a lot of this came up in the session.  Summary of the process:  I feel like a small child in a dark room crying out for help and no one is coming.  This comes up a lot for me in process.  I felt the infant cry so hard until the nervous system had to shut down to keep the baby from dying.  Something is wrong and I cry out, but no one is coming and I can’t fix it.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I can’t do it and no one else will.  As an infant the only thing I could do was shut down and energetically leave my body because I couldn’t fix what was wrong.  I can’t move forward.  I can’t move because if I do, no one will follow.  If I move forward, I will have to do it alone.  I will be alone in the world.  I feel like the sales brochure for life was wrong.  I paid for, signed up for two.  I was promised two.  There is no two, it’s just me.  No mommy is coming to help me.  No mate is coming to share his life with me.  There is no knight is shining armour (stupid stupid fairy tales).  There is no two.  There never was.  I feel lied to.  This is not what I came here for.   Near the end of the process I felt like my arms and legs were disintegrating, slowing evaporating up off the table.  This was fascinating.  I was becoming not solid.  I was disintegrating into everything around me – ONE.  There was a small part of me that wasn’t happy about this experience.  If I disintegrate, I will be nothing.  I don’t want to be nothing.  If I’m not part of two, am I nothing?

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

Still really enjoying reading Diamond Heart Book 4.  Whenever I read anything from AH Almaas, it feels like he wrote the exact thing I needed to read that very day.  This is what stuck with me today:  “White blood cells defend and protect and then they are cleaned out of the body.  The personality defends and protects.  It needs to be clarified”.    I’ve been sick a lot this year.  Does the body go through a similar cleaning process as the personality is being clarified?

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I was reading Diamond Heart Book 4 today.  It started out talking about how people that claim instant Realization and that realization doesn’t happen this way.  It’s not instant, it’s nonlinear, it’s a process.  I was just discussing this with Lisa and how I want to write about my process in this blog.  As I was reading this, I could see colors swirling on the white page.  Fun!

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Salida Art Show 2nd Day

On By rrainefioreIn ArtLeave a comment

More pottery not selling today.  By the end of the weekend I had broken even – sold enough to cover the hotel and booth fee.  This weekend did not follow my ego plan.  The question of what is the point of this weekend was not answered.  I just left feeling tired and frustrated.  Maybe there isn’t a point to everything.  Maybe things are just random sometimes.  I’m trying to find a point or a silver lining to offset that the weekend didn’t go the way I wanted it to.  I’m trying to turn “bad” into “good” by looking for some higher purpose.  I can only accept that my plan failed if something good comes out of it.  The reality is that bad and good are my interpretation of the situation.  They aren’t real.  The reality is I went to an art show, sold a few things and then came home.  The frustration, the thought that it should be different, the negative feelings, the search for the positive is all an ego game.  What a dumb game – I lose every time.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Salida Art Show

On By rrainefioreIn Art, AwakeningLeave a comment

I’ve been doing pottery since 1998.  It started as something to do when I first moved to Colorado and didn’t know very many people.  I started off learning how to throw pots on the wheel.  After a few years, I wasn’t much better than when I started.  I was constantly making bottom too thin or getting them off center.  I couldn’t make anything very tall or big and heaven forbid I try to make a plate.  This was the point where I stared hand building.  That’s all I’ve done since.  Over the years, I’ve come to a style all my own and I love making things.  Now, I make small raku boxes and vases.  I’ve had my work in a couple of galleries over the years.  Everyone loves my stuff, but I hardly ever sell anything.  For years, pottery was my weekly escape from the engineering world.  It was my feminine side allowed to be creative and flow a little.  I stopped making pottery about six months ago.  I have quite a bit of work and don’t want to make more just to store it.  This weekend I’m doing an art show in Salida with my friend, Lisa.  I barely sold anything today.   I was hoping to sell a lot and not have to store it when I leave.  But that’s not what’s happening.  I’m having trouble seeing what the point is.  Why am I here this weekend?  Creating art for a living doesn’t seem like the job for me right now.  I keep looking for a meaning or purpose.  Am I here to meet someone that will be important in my life?  Am I here to help Lisa?  Is this a lesson in frustration?  Is this supposed to help trigger my money issues, my issues with not enough, for me so I can work on them?  If I was more grounded, would my work sell?  I noticed all day that I was not present.  I’d try to ground and then notice a few minutes later that I wasn’t. 20150711_140909 20150711_140915

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

Feminine

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I’ve spent most of my life living at the male end of the energy spectrum.  I’ve always had more male friends than female.  I’m focused, purpose driven and like to get things done.  I was always good at math and science in school and little patience for girly things.  I was a tom boy who preferred to be climbing trees than playing with dolls.  I went to college to be and engineer and have worked in that field for over 20 years.  I’ve been single for most of my adult life.  I had one boyfriend for 3 years, one for 1 year and I was with my Scott for a total of 5 years (2 married).  All my other relationships have been quite short.   I’ve now been single for 11 years and it’s not what I want.  I have been struggling over the years with issues I have with alone and loneliness.  I’ve been struggling with not knowing what I want.  I’ve been craving a romantic relationship, but just not finding what I want.  At a young age, I rejected the ultra feminine.  I see it as mushy, weak, indecisive, high maintenance, dumb, and not powerful.  At some level, I’m rejecting myself, I’m rejecting my creativity and passion.  On an energetic level, I am only finding men that will reject me.  Over and over again, I find someone that is interested in me only to have them leave me for someone else.   This issue of my lost femininity has come up a lot and recently it has become clear to me that it might be core of a lot of my issues.  I have been actively work on this for about a year now. For a while I tried to just be present when I was out and see if I was energetically more on the male or female side of the spectrum.  I would try to be more feminine.  All I found from this experiment was that I couldn’t change at will.  I can’t “do” feminine.

This adventure to live in another country is an exercise of throwing myself into the feminine and seeing what it’s like.  I don’t know where I’m going, or how, and I don’t fully know why.  I’m trying to trust that the flow of life will determine what is next.  I’m throwing away the need for a plan, the need to control the situation.  It’s been very uncomfortable.  For quite a while I had no idea what part of the world I would be going to.  I had no idea how I would get there, what I would do to make money.  At first I thought I should know and have a plan.  When people would ask me, I’d say I didn’t know and then try to say something to justify why I didn’t know yet.  I could see the disapproval or terror in most people’s eyes.  I felt flighty and irresponsible for not knowing what I was doing.  I felt like I appeared that I wasn’t taking it seriously enough.  After a while I just got tired of explaining and I just felt frustrated because I didn’t have what I thought was a good enough reason for being wishy washy.  At that point, when people would ask me when and where I was moving, I’d just say soon and somewhere or I don’t know.  I would still see the judgement and terror in their eyes, but the most amazing thing happened when I would just leave the answer at that and not try to explain or justify.  The judgement on their faces would disappear and was replaced with excitement or awe or respect.  This happened only every time.  Most people would say something like “that is so brave” or “I wish I could do that” or some other powerful statement.  Wait, this not knowing, not having a plan, feminine flighty thing I’m doing is actually not weak or indecisive, but actually brave and powerful.  (I still find it extremely uncomfortable).

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore

How My Blog Got Started

On By rrainefioreIn AwakeningLeave a comment

I’ve wanted to write a blog for a long time, but it just kept getting put off.  I thought that writing a blog might be one way to make money.  One night I researched making money from blogs.  There was so much information and it was so new and confusing that I think I’m dumber after doing the research.  But the idea of doing a blog kept coming back to me so now I’m doing it because I want to and not to make money.  I still don’t understand how people make money by blogging.

So, where do I start without telling you my entire life’s story?  Let’s start with Awakening to Presence School.  There are a ton of things that led up to that point, but let’s just start there.  I started with the classes because I thought I wanted to become an energy healer.  I can honestly say I didn’t really know what I was signing up for except for the fact that I knew I was where I needed to be.  Energy work is only part of what I would learn.  I would learn anatomy, physiology, conscious movement, energy work, psychology, character patterns, grounding, judge work, and much more.  I had to question everything I thought was true about myself and the world and be willing to go to the places inside myself I didn’t want to go to investigate.  After seven years of school and the most amazing amount of personal growth and learning, I was ready to quit my engineering career and start my own business as a coach in this work.   But before I start my new business I want to spend some time experiencing what it’s like to live differently.  I want to live in a different county, a different culture, to get a little lost in the chaos and see what I learn from those experiences.  I researched the Peace Corps, but that wasn’t quite it.

I’ve wanted to go to Antarctica for years.  I even applied for jobs in the past.  In March I started the job application process.  I applied for 58 jobs.  I waited months without hearing a word.  By mid summer, I decided I might need to look into Plan B.  I could be an engineer somewhere else, maybe work in a spa doing massage, deal blackjack again, or work as a dive master.  I could teach English, kayaking or snowboarding.  I looked into jobs with US Embassies or Consulates.  I looked into Engineer’s without Borders.  I just kept coming up with ideas and no real direction.  So I decided to figure out where I wanted to go and then maybe the job would be obvious.  Nope.  There are so many countries.  The more I researched the more I found land mines, kidnappings, natural disasters, and horrible illnesses.  Now more time had passed and I was depressed at how unsafe our world appears and no closer to a plan.  Eventually I narrowed it down to southeast Asia, Malaysia or Indonesia.  Teaching English was the front runner followed closely by dive master, but some of the other ideas were still worth researching.  A little more time past and the plan got narrowed down to Thailand to teach English, Bali (not sure how) or Antarctica.  Now you are all caught up – sort of – not even close, but that’s going to have to do.

(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore