Yay! Warm Shower!

On August 21, 2016August 24, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I get to Chiang Mai and I think, “I like this place”. Every time I am here, I can’t help but remember the person I met with on the placement team. They asked what I was looking for and I said I’d like Chiang Mai. She immediately said “You don’t want to go to Chiang Mai”. YES – I ACTUALLY DID WANT TO LIVE IN CHIANG MAI. I might be staying in Thailand longer if I had gotten placed in Chiang Mai.

Last night I had a warm shower. It seems like a simple thing, but it’s not. I didn’t have to wonder if I was going to go into shock as unnaturally cold and painful water hit my skin. I could take the time to soap up and make sure I was actually clean since I wasn’t trying to rush through it and get to clean enough status. It was pleasant instead of a chore I have to work up the courage to do.

Last night I ate at an Italian restaurant. It was expensive, not quite Italian, and disappointing. Oh well, I knew it was risky going in and you can’t win them all. This morning, I had eggs fried in a skillet with veggies on top. Tonight I had a wonderfully healthy dinner at a vegetarian restaurant. There was no rice, deep fried food or sugar anywhere to be seen. I already feel ten times healthier.

Today I decided to be a tourist for half a day. I had been avoiding any tours that included handicrafts and shopping. I already have too much stuff. What am I going to do with more? But outside Chiang Mai are a bunch of handicraft places where you can watch them making the goods the way they use to. I’m not sure if they are actually making them for real there or if they are just making a few to show the tourists and the stuff in the gift shops come from factories elsewhere. I’m leaning toward the latter. Still, it was something to do. I started off at the Bo Sang Umbrella Factory. They make paper bamboo umbrellas and fans. I watched them make the umbrellas and watched some women glue fabric onto fans. There was another area where they painted them. So, if you bought an unpainted umbrella, you could pay them to paint them for you. It was a bunch of painters calling out to you to get your attention and get you to pay them to paint something. They all had cell phone cases with examples of their art. They won. My cell phone case now has some flowers, two butterflies and a lot of glitter on it. I bought an umbrella and a couple paper lanterns too. How are those getting back to the US?

I asked the taxi driver where he suggested next. He took me to a place that had a jade shop, a silver shop and a silk shop all next to each other. That all sounds great. I went into the silk place first. I’ve been wanting a traditional Thai skirt in silk so maybe I can check that off my list. You got to see the silk worms and the cocoons. They take the cocoons and put them in hot water and then pull the thread off the cocoons. I wonder if the hot water kills the worms. Do they get to become moths if you put them in hot water? Do they become moths if you take all the silk off the cocoon? There was a lady leading me through and telling me lots of fun facts, but she didn’t fill me in on this. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t. They showed how they dyed the silk with natural colors. I’m pretty sure they use not natural colors too….. Then they had a bunch of looms where they created the fabric. I’m going to guess this is all done by machines now, but it was very enjoyable to see. Of course, the tour ended in a giant store. I wanted everything in that store. The colors are so wonderful. I really like the two tone rougher heavy fabric, but I couldn’t find anything in it that was in the right size or that looked right on me. The thinner fabric is comfortable and beautiful in a different way and unfortunately, I did find clothes that looked good in that silk. All the traditional Thai skirts and jackets were so expensive that I didn’t even try them on. I’m not talking Thai expensivec I mean American expensive. I found two skirts and shirts that I couldn’t seem to part with.

I got back to the taxi driver and told him to take me back to the hotel. He questioned why I didn’t want to go see the jade or silver. I have spent more than my flight to China. I need to leave the area immediately. I spent the rest of the afternoon at a coffee shop trying to do some work for my old engineering firm. Maybe I can make back the money I just spent. No, I did not.

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20160821_141716 — New Cell Phone Artwork

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20160821_114209 — Pulling silk off cocoons

20160821_114248 — Cocoons (yellow Thai, white Chinese)

20160821_114715 — Dyed silk ready to be made into fabric

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Lesson Plans

On May 30, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Friday night Noi texted me to see if I wanted to go to the market on Sunday in Tak. She said it was a big market with a lot of plants. I need to go to Tak to go to the big Walmart like store so I said yes. Then she said “See you tomorrow at 7:00”. So I texted her back to see if she meant tomorrow or Sunday. She confirmed Sunday.

Saturday morning I decided to sleep in and they I was going to spend the whole day working on lesson plans. No such luck. At 7:20 I heard yelling and horn honking. It wasn’t real loud over the fan I had on, but I heard it and realized that Noi had meant Saturday, not Sunday. She has probably now woken up all the teachers. I ran downstairs and asked her to give me 5 minutes. I threw on a pair of shorts, a t shirt and a hat and ran out the door. The market was on the street next to the river and had a nice breeze coming off the river. It was a very comfortable temperature until 9:30. Then it was as if someone had thrown me in an oven and it became so uncomfortable. The market was fun. It had every fruit tree, plant, herb, and fish you could ever want. It also had a lot of clothing too. It was fascinating watching Noi try to decide on anything. It took about 20 minutes for her to pick out 4 lime trees, going back and forth with the man selling them. It took her about just as long to pick out three shirts. After the market we went to Tesco Lotus and I bought granola, cheese, salad dressing and a bunch of other things I can’t get in my town. We had pizza for lunch. She let me order since pizza is not her thing. I ordered a pepperoni pizza. She ate it, but I don’t think she liked it much. On the way home we stopped by a big temple in Ban Tak. We didn’t stay long. I’ll have to go back sometime. By the time I got home it was 2:30 and I had done no lesson planning. I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do and by the money problems I’m having. Life just felt impossible. So, I turned on the air conditioning and took a nap for an hour. I never nap because I usually feel worse after a nap. I still felt bad, but I got up and went to the coffee shop and worked there until they closed. I felt a lot better once I had started working on the lesson plans. I went and got a massage after that. All the yuck I had been feeling is definately being held in every part of my body. I got home around 9:00 and went to bed.

Today I spent most of the day doing lesson plans. I took a break to have lunch with Tip, but probably should have just kept working as it took way too long to get lunch with her. I had hoped to get this week’s and part of next week’s lesson plans done this weekend, but only got this week’s. Still, that was the most important part. My mood was much better today even though I didn’t get as much done as I had hoped.

A guy I had been matched with on Tinder when I was in Chiang Mai contacted me and we texted back and forth a bit. He’s riding his bike from Chiang Mai to Phuket. He left Chiang Mai on Friday. Since he will be passing pretty close to here, he’s going to come visit me. That should be on Tuesday. Still no one on Tinder in my area.

Of course I keep questioning why I don’t like teaching or living here. In theory, it shouldn’t matter where I live or what I do. One piece of the puzzle that keeps coming up is that I don’t like the concrete walls that are around schools and government buildings here. Something about concrete, heat and walls reminds me of my early childhood. I have no idea what happened, but this is not the first time I have had this memory. And by memory, I don’t mean that I remember what happened, but that I have the felt sense memory of being lonely and unhappy, hot and something about concrete. Then I had the thought that I was pretty unhappy through most of my childhood. And now I’m teaching teenagers. Huh….

Now I’m just listening to something crawling around in my ceiling and wondering how I’m ever going to sleep.

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20160528_114418 — Brilliant! An escalator for shopping carts.

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New Guest

On May 28, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Last night’s house guest was a scorpion. I’m sad to say he met the bug spray. Are they deadly or just painful? It seems that Thailand is sending me a new horror guest every week. What’s next? Have I seen them all now? When does it stop? Does it get worse before it gets better?

20160527_074007 — This is where the horror happens

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Big Mood Swings

On May 26, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

Yesterday I felt very overwhelmed with lesson planning. I don’t like lesson planning. I don’t mind the actual teaching, but trying to figure out what and how to teach is just unpleasant. I got text books for my advanced classes and was looking through one to get ideas on what to teach this week. It seems like that would be easier, but the activities in the text book are so disjointed and difficult to follow. They are also way too hard for these students. So, it just makes me sad a the the Thai system that they hold the students to such high standards, but they just aren’t there. I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. Ok, I can’t say when I wanted to be one except before I was one. This is hard.

After school yesterday I went to get coffee at the roadside drink place. The lady there is so nice and remembers what I like. It’s cheaper than the coffee shop too. Since it wasn’t too hot (it was medium hot) and there was a nice breeze, I didn’t mind sitting outside. Then I went home and washed my motorbike. The thing still looks like a complete disaster, but I know it’s clean. Well, as clean as is possible. This made me content. Then I made dinner. I think I could stay here longer if all I had to do were mundane everyday things. I’m actually enjoying those. I feel very peaceful and don’t care that I don’t have a big social life or wild and exciting things to do. I’m completely present. Until I think about lesson planning or my car not being paid on time in the US or what if my house doesn’t sell, etc.

Today I woke up feeling completely horrible. Last night I looked at my US bank account I am running real low. I had to have some repairs done to the house so this month I won’t receive any rent so that will be a big hit when the mortgage bill comes in. After that, I won’t even have enough money to buy a flight home if I wanted to. The last I heard, the renter no longer wanted to buy the house. I still have over $30,000 of debt not including the house and car. The person leasing my car is still paying late every month. So, I woke up with this weighing heavy on me. I’m trying to trust that everything will work out ok, but I just couldn’t this morning. Most of the day I just wanted to leave, but go where?

I’ve had several teachers ask why I am leaving in September and if I was going home. Q, my next door neighbor asked if I was coming back after I went home for awhile. He also asked if Robin was going with me. I found that odd. Just because we are both westerners doesn’t mean I’m bringing a 20 something year old from England back to America with me. Robin’s on his own. I’m not even sure I’m going back to the US. Judging by the questions people asked me, most of them had no idea this was just temporary to begin with. They seemed to think I moved here for good. I find that heart touching and I felt a bit guilty. I questioned why I felt guilty though. I never planned this to be long term. I just don’t want to disappoint people. Guess I have to let that go.

The loud obnoxious skinny mangy school cat had kittens. They are so cute, but it’s sad because the mother just begs food and now she has kittens to feed too.

By the end of the day, I felt like I did yesterday. Just content. I went for coffee and a walk in the gardens with Tip, Ging, and their daughters after school. Then I came home to cook. I should have been working on lesson plans but I plan on doing that all weekend. I probably should be figuring out a financial plan, but I’m not sure what I can do other than move numbers around and get more depressed about it.

Noi came by and brought me lychee, mangosteen and a pair of pajama pants. She wants me to have long pants (although they won’t be long on me) to help keep off the mosquitos because rainy season is coming. I love this woman.

I also love mangosteen. I may have mentioned it before, but if I didn’t, these are the best fruit ever. And I am obsessed with them now. They are just starting to come into season here so I am happy about that. Lychee and rambutan have just come into season too. I like lychee, but only a few at a time. Rambutan is delightful to look at. They look like a shaggy monster. They are lychee’s hairy cousin. They taste way better than lychee too. I tried a new vegetable today. I was told it was like a not sweet melon and it is boiled or fried. So, I fried it with some squash, ginger and onion. It was very unexciting. The squash, ginger and onion combo isn’t too bad though.

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Too Many Classes

On May 24, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

Not much exciting happened Sunday. My bus left Chiang Rai at 8:30 in the morning and took most of the day to get home. I’m not sure why it took longer to get home than it took to get to Chiang Rai, but it did. There were 5 police check points on the way home, 4 of which we got pulled over and they searched the bus. I assume they are looking for people sneaking in the country as they checked IDs. They never checked mine. I don’t look Burmese. I got home and found nothing scary in my bathroom, but there was a dying rat peeing on my stairs. Why can’t dying critters go outside and die? They all have to die in some dramatic fashion and wait for me to get home to do it. I assume he ate too much of the rat poison. I had to sweep him into the dust pan and take him outside.

Yesterday at school, I found out that they are still coming up with random issues with my work permit. Now they want my work permit dates to match my employment dates, but instead of making the work permit good for 8 months, they want the school to rewrite the contract for a year. This would mean I would be here through March of next year instead of September of this year. How do you politely say no to that? I tried. Pat made a phone call. I have no idea where this stands now.

I have two higher level English classes. Today I went to teach one of the regular level classes and was told that the higher level class was mixed in. So, basically, what I was teaching was a repeat for the higher level class since I taught them earlier in the week. How is this good classroom planning? It will be an issue for the first two classes, but not after that. Still, this added on to work permit thing just set me in the wrong direction for the rest of the day. I felt defeated and although I know it will all work itself out, I couldn’t shake the feeling. After school, I figured the best plan was to go get a massage. They weren’t there. I contacted Tip and asked if I needed an appointment or could just go get a massage at the hospital. They have a section with acupuncture and massage. She called to set up an appointment, but they were closed for the day. I went by two coffee shops. They were both closed. I gave up and went home to clean my house in the heat. I’m going to have to clean my house every few days anyway. I cleaned 2 rooms and felt a little better.

I question why I don’t want to be here. Ok, there’s the obvious: critters, bugs, the heat, the language, etc., but in theory, it shouldn’t matter. I know that the real “I don’t want to be here” is the one from infancy, not wanting to be here alone in this body, in this life. I have worked on that a lot over the years. All I can gather is that I was left alone a lot in the first few weeks of life and it left a mark that is difficult to define and difficult to work on. I started doing the DSE (Developmental Sequence Exercises) again as I think this is what is needed to finally work through this issue. I catch myself wanting to blame someone else for my problems. Then a second later, I think “that’s stupid. I’m the one who chose this – on purpose”. There’s no one to blame. Even if there was, what would that solve? Nothing. So, this wanting someone to take responsibility is part of not wanting to be here. They both feel backwards and inside out. So, I feel uncomfortable and unhappy and I do my exercises. I watch my thoughts and reactions and I wait for the issue to turn in on itself and flip so it’s no longer inside out.

Today I had 5 classes. I’m exhausted and brain fried. Sometimes I have Thai teachers that help. Today, I didn’t for 4 of the classes and the lesson was pretty difficult. So, I feel like I didn’t do anything useful today. One of my classes was 50 students. I couldn’t keep their attention for more than 5 seconds. That’s too many students. I teach 6 different grades and 2 advanced classes. I had 16 classes last semester and now I have 18. Last semester I was creating 2 lesson plans a week – one for the first 3 grades and one for the last 3 grades. One teacher told me today that next week she wanted me to teach on one of the subjects in her text book. This is great because what I’m teaching will be relevant to what they are supposed to be learning. I’ve been asking for this for months. However, it now means I have more lesson plans to do each week. So now I will have to create one for the first three grades, one for the 4^th, one for the 5^th, one for the 6^th, one for one of the advanced classes and two for the other advanced class. So instead of 2 per week, I’m now up to 9 lesson plans per week. I’m not sure this is actually physically possible. Then add on that I agreed to teach a monk after school twice a week so that’s now 11 lesson plans. Then I found out that Tuesday the last period is for clubs and I have to co-lead a club with Pat. We have to teach them hobbies. My hobbies are snowboarding, mountain biking, hiking, etc. How do I teach hobbies? We will do pottery, but I have no idea how to teach that without supplies and equipment. Beyond that, I know nothing. Help – send me ideas. If you add all that up, I’m now teaching 21 classes a week needing 12 lesson plans. I suck at lesson plans. How did this blow up to this proportion? I can’t possibly see how this is going to work.

I came home to an air conditioner in my room. So, that’s wonderful. I had to clean the whole house again, but I didn’t mind.

20160522_075619 — This is what every street in Chiang Rai (and most of Thailand) looks like

No Water

On May 15, 2016July 26, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

Yesterday was extremely uneventful. I worked on tagging old blogs so hopefully they are more searchable. I met a friend for lunch. I sat by the pool. I tried Tinder again. One guy said he lived outside town and only had a bicycle. So, he can’t take a taxi? Tinder said he was only 6 miles from me. Lame. No one else responded. It was a real hot day and the heat kicked my ass. By the time I was done with dinner I didn’t even feel like getting a massage. Sleep was the only thing that sounded do-able. I did find this good pizza place so this was my second night eating there.

Today, after the sad breakfast that my hotel provided, I went in search of an atm, water and snacks for the bus. It took a while to find an atm and google maps was useless in this endeavor. After I got money, water and snacks, I went back to check out of the hotel. There’s an atm machine right at the hotel. If I had just looked left instead of right, I would have saved myself some time and frustration. Got a taxi to the bus station. Got a bus ride home. It was more expensive than the bus ride up, but I’m too hot to bargain shop. Maybe I’m paying more for air con that works on the bus. Wrong. I guess I was paying more for a bottle of water and mystery snacks. One snack they gave me was a pastry with meat, carrots and something green in it. The other one looked like a tiny hamburger bun with purple goo in it – taro? I love taro so I was quite happy with that one. It was a long (3.5 hours) hot bus ride, but the bus didn’t break down!

No one was able to pick me up from the bus stop so I had to take a motorbike taxi home. I hate those. Flying down the road 50 miles an hour on the back of someone’s motorbike with no helmet. Not to mention it was so hot, it felt like my flesh might melt off. Made it home safely.

I didn’t have running water when I left, but it seemed to be ok when I got home. But now we are back to no running water. I really don’t know if I can handle this. I just want to take a shower, but I can’t. I can’t flush my toilet. I don’t want to cook because I can’t wash dishes. I have a concrete tub in my bathroom, but the water doesn’t look very clean. It has a film on the top of it and dead bugs in it. I asked Q if he had water and he wanted to know if I needed water to drink. I have that. He didn’t seem too concerned about no running water. Both he and Pat said they’d talk to the janitor tomorrow. I was ready to pack up my suitcases and call it and go back to the US, but I can’t go anywhere.

When I had lunch with Rob yesterday, he was telling me how he loved living in Chaing Mai. His apartment is nicer than where he lived in the UK. He likes his job, has friends, and go places. He was going to the gym to play badminton after lunch. The main reason I decided against the Peace Corps is because I wanted a nicer lifestyle. I might have had better accommodations or at least the same in the Peace Corps. So, I question why I’m here? Couldn’t I be learning the same lessons if I lived in a bigger city and loved living in Thailand? Who knows. I’m trying to be present with what is and it’s not difficult to stay present, but I do find that I still want there to be a reason or a purpose to all this or to know how it will all turn out and I have no clue.

Pictures – I did get a picture of the US Consulate yesterday when I walked by it again. See below.

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20160513_172018 — My Favorite Fruit – Mangosteen

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Mae Sot 1

On February 20, 2016July 24, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Thailand, Uncategorized1 Comment

So I got up super early and drove to the hospital. I was told to park there since the bus stop is next door. Riding an old motor bike in the dark with bad headlights is sketchy, especially when you come upon a dog sleeping in the middle of the road. Dogs are a major source of motorbike accidents in Thailand. There was no one at the bus stop at 6:30. There were a three kids there by 7:00am. So, I was obviously told the wrong time. Was it a joke on the foreigner? Oh well, at least I wasn’t late for the bus. It was a big loud bus full of students. There were adults too, but mostly students. The bus honked at everything that moved and as it was approaching every stop. It was standing room only by the time we got to the bus station in Tak. It was nice to see a teenage boy give up his seat next to me for someone else. It’s typical for younger people to give up their seats for older people. I then had to change to a mini van to get to Mae Sot. The seats on the mini van were tiny and every seat was full. It was a very interesting drive. The roads were steep and very curvy. Of in the distance you could see row and row of mountains (shadows of mountains really since it’s so smoky here). We drove through several national parks so there was nothing but jungle. The steepness of the roads reminded me of Colorado, if Colorado had jungle.

We went through 3 police check points. I found that odd. At the 3rd one, a policeman checked IDs. I wondered what they were looking for. Drugs, gems, poachers? When we got to Mae Sot I got a motorbike taxi to my hotel, well to the wrong hotel and then to the right one. This was foreshadowing for my afternoon. Mae Sot looks different than anything else I’ve seen in Thailand. I can’t quite identify what it is that is different. It’s a border town near Myanmar and has a large concentration of hill tribes, Karen and Hmong. It also has a large Muslim population and Chinese population. The only thing I can figure is these influences made tiny differences in buildings, streets, clothing, etc and creates a distinct, but indescribable difference. I tried to define it or capture it in a picture but i just can’t.

I got to my hotel and I didn’t want to leave. I was overcome with a strong feeling of “I like Mae Sot” combined with “I hate it here”. There was a lot of fear and I just wanted to crawl in bed and hide. I watched tv for awhile and tried to find a phone store on google maps. I tried to convince myself that it was ok if I locked myself in my room all weekend. The part of me that needs a new phone and reliable wifi won. The hotel had bicycles I could use for free and “how do I rent a motorbike” was not being understood. So, I took the bicycle into town on a wild goose chase sponsored by google maps. The first place it took me was a Tesco which are like Walmarts here. They usually have other stores around them including phone stores. I went in and there were only two rows of shelves with stuff on them. It was creepy. The next place didn’t seem to exist. It kept taking me down roads that I swear were in the wrong direction. I had no idea where I was. The streets are narrow, full of cars, bicycles and motorbikes. Terrifying and fabulous all at the same time. There’s that mix of opposites again. There are stores and delivery trucks everywhere. The variety of things being sold and/or delivered was mindblowing. I still can’t process it and I saw it. The third place I went was a print shop. A guy across the street was drunk and bathing with a hose, fully clothed. Then he came over and sat in front of the print shop and then back across the street. Back and forth, soaking wet. I decided this would be a good time to go eat. The combination of Lonely Planet guide book and google maps got me to a Canadian restaurant that boasted having cheese. I tried to regroup. I had a cheese burger and fries. I got a hold of the phone company by Line (a text program widely used in SE Asia) and they told me there was a store in Robinsons and one in a different Tesco. Some British people eating next to me told me where the other Tesco was.

I have a new resolve to get this phone since I don’t want to go through this again tomorrow. On my way to Tesco, I stopped for a pedicure. She tried to get rid of my ingrown toenails which I usually don’t mind because they drive me nuts, but she cut too deep and my toe bled and still hurts hours later. So, now I’m grumpy, scared, hot, lost and injured. I found the dtac store and no one speaks English. I try using my phrase book and the guy behind the counter pulls out his phone and has me speak into it. It translates what I said to Thai. It doesn’t do the best job of translating. Some of the things he said got translated horribly to English, but it was enough to get a new phone that can be a mobile hot spot and to get a data package paid for. And I asked him to download the translator app too – google translator, who knew? Now, hopefully, it works at my house! I went back to the hotel and locked myself in. I tried to nap, but couldn’t. Around 8:00pm I decided I needed to go out and eat and see if I could get a massage. I used my new translator to ask where to go for a massage. They said 2 hours in my room for 500baht ($14). Deal! Who needs dinner?

20160220_105913 — Can I just stay here forever?

20160220_133420 — Cheese on my burger and fries

20160220_143426 — On the phone store hunt

20160220_144005 — Those are funny looking dogs, no goats

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Hell Froze Over

On January 26, 2016July 24, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, Teaching, Thailand, Uncategorized2 Comments

Yesterday I got up and it was chilly. It has been chilly most mornings and by mid day I’m sweating, so I didn’t think much of it. It never got warmer. By noon, I could barely feel my fingers. Most of the students didn’t bring long sleeves and were running around in shorts. They were miserable. My tolerance for cold is much higher and I was quite unhappy.

I had two older classes that were fun. Did I say that? They were the 16-17 year olds (Matthayom 5). They were at least 3 levels better with their English than the grade below them. In each class I take pictures with the hope that a teacher will help me in the future with names. They all love taking photos. The M5s were not only excited to take pictures, but they wanted me to post them on facebook. Then the second M5 class made me sing. A few of them got up and sang their favorite songs too. They have amazing voices. I’m going to have to find songs to incorporate with their lessons.

I got home and was so cold. I made dinner and crawled into bed. A concrete house is cold. I set up a new facebook account so I don’t have to share my current one with the students – I just don’t believe in crossing that line and there are too many photos I’d have to delete or filter. I now have 85 friends on my new facebook account. So, I posted some travel photos and photos from home too. I think I’m going to start posting English stuff too, not sure what, maybe tongue twisters or famous quotes. It was so cold that I went to sleep early only because my hands were too cold being outside the covers. Thank god I’m a good little girl scout – I brought a small sleeping bag with me from home – small, but better than no extra blanket. I also slept with my down jacket on.

Today I didn’t want to get up for anything. This was one of the hardest mornings yet. It was pouring rain and colder than yesterday. I don’t want to be a teacher. Who’s idea was this? I did go, mostly because I’m stuck here with no way to leave. I wore my down jacket most of the day. It was 52 degrees most of the day. At least the kids were slightly better dressed, but I felt so bad for them. Today’s classes weren’t as much fun, but seemed to go ok.

I got home and decided to go do laundry even though that sounded like the coldest, dumbest thing I could do. Actually, the clothes felt warm when they were done. I wanted to crawl in the washer and turn it back on. They don’t have dryers here so it’s all hanging in my laundry room. I have 4 rooms – one has my “kitchen” and desk. One is a bed room. The other bedroom is empty and now the 4th room is my laundry room. Hopefully, by Friday, my clothes might be dry.

As laundry was happening I read some AH Almaas. I don’t know how he does it, but a long time ago, he wrote a chapter that I was supposed to read exactly when I did. It always feels like he just wrote that chapter an hour before I read it. Tonight’s chapter was Chapter 10 of Diamond Heart Book 4. “We will talk today about a perspective that will help you to be nicer to yourselves in doing your work, and not push yourselves too hard. The Work we are engaged in is not easy; in fact, it is very difficult, more difficult even than you know yet”. “To be a student in this Work, you need these two motivations – love and compassion – from beginning to end. This is very tough work. To do the Work with love and compassion means to appreciate that this process is tough; it is an almost impossible task we are undertaking. So it is best not to give yourself a hard time about it. You need to learn to be patient, to not judge or criticize yourself when things do not happen the way you think they should”. “It is not useful to look at yourself from one day or one week to the next and make a judgement”. “This is not being kind to yourself. You are not taking the nature of the task into consideration. If you want to consider changes, or improvement, you need to not look from one week to the next, but consider a span of several years”.

So, I’m frozen, so off to bed to hide from the cold.

First day off

On January 23, 2016July 24, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Thailand, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’d like to say it was wonderful to have a day off. But, I’m still struggling with all the changes. I still had homework to do from TESOL class. Because they cut our class a week short, they let us turn in the last assignment today. With all the internet problems I’ve been having, I was way behind on the project. I spent the whole morning and part of the afternoon finishing it up. It feels good to have it done.

I woke up in the middle of the night to music. I put ear plugs in, but could still here it. I wondered who would be playing music at that hour. Now, as I sit here listening to chanting off in the distance, I wonder if that is what I heard last night. I was told that the monks would be telling the story of Buddha through chants for two days. I’m not sure if that is what I am hearing or if it’s something else. Right now, it sounds great to me. In the middle of the night, it didn’t.

After finishing my homework, I headed up to the coffee shop (I think there’s only one). It’s not too far by bicycle. I stayed there for awhile enjoying a latte, some air conditioning, and good wifi. I tried to find the local bus station. There doesn’t seem to be one. I tried to find local taxis or any transportation between here and somewhere else. There doesn’t seem to be any. I find that hard to believe. So, I’ll have to ask someone else later. Then I saw a post from one of the girls in Sukohthai. She was up at the top of the dam which looked so beautiful. I asked if she was still there because I live so close. She said our agent took here there and she was almost back to Sukohthai already. Wait, that’s my agent too. They had to drive right past my house. Did it not occur to her that I might want to go too? I’ve been trying to get a hold of my agents about renting a scooter, getting better wifi, travel in the area. I haven’t gotten any answers yet. And it would have taken her 10 minutes to stop and talk to me. I feel so stranded and now abandoned. How am I ever going to leave here? I supposedly live in one of the prettiest parts of Thailand, but I can’t experience it. I feel so helpless. Then I realize stranded, helpless and abandoned are inseparable for me. They all feel the same – one triggers the other and then the other.

Then I see some toast with some weird stuff on it being served and I realize I am starving. So I ask if they have any food and they say no. She’s holding a piece of cake in her hand as she says no. I can’t hold it all in anymore. I went back to where I was sitting and burst into tears. I’m stranded here. I will never be able to leave and now I can’t eat either. Later I tried again and said Do you have food in Thai. One lady said yes and the other said no food, but bread. So, food and bread are not the same thing. Granted, I’ll agree that white bread with a large amount of sugar on it shouldn’t be food, but I’ll take my chances. So, I said yes, bread. She showed me a picture of the bread with something ridiculous on it and I said yes. I got a slice of white bread with what looked like powdered hot chocolate and chocolate syrup on it. Not too bad for white bread.

Enough with the coffee shop. I rode my bike up to a set of stairs I had seen that had a dragon on them. I figured it led up to a temple (wat). They did. They led up to a wat I had seen from the other side a few times, but had never gone in. It was quiet and no one seemed to be around. I took some pictures of some of the pretty buildings. Then I noticed a monk sitting in the shade watching me. I did the proper wai for a monk. He asked if I was alone and told me to go up to a building with a second story deck to get better pictures. So, I did. The lighting wasn’t great because it was late day, but the view was a nice view of the lower dam and river. I thanked him and he told me to go into a smaller temple building. He said it was nice. I did. As I was coming out of the building, he was playing the drums. It was relaxing. Sorry the video is sideways. It’s too late for me to figure out how to flip it. Just lay on your side and watch it. Or close you eyes and just listen.

I then rode off toward music I could hear in the distance. Maybe something was happening in town. I found a different road up to the dam. The gardens around there are nice. I never found the source of the music. There’s another wat at the top of a huge hill. I decided to make that trek another day because it might get dark before I got all the way up there.

I worked on a speech for the parents tomorrow. There’s a parent teacher conference tomorrow. I think it’s just so they can meet me. This is such a strange experience to feel two such opposite feelings at the same time. I feel very welcomed and wanted by the school, teachers, students (and probably the parents) and at the same time I feel completely helpless, stranded and abandoned. And hot, I feel hot.

20160123_165050 — Yes, that is white bread with powdered chocolate and chocolate syrup

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20160123_172444 — Wat greeting committee

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20160123_174821 — Same wat from the other side of the river

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Time to get to the Real Work

On January 22, 2016July 24, 2016 By rrainefioreIn Awakening, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Time to get to the real work – why am I really here. This has been so hard. I knew it would be. The whole time, I’m asking myself, why is it so hard. Beyond the obvious culture shock, new job, bugs, drastic change in standard of living, etc. I’ve done my inner work. I know that if I’m suffering, it’s a lie in my head. But I still can’t get out of hole of despair. My job here is to teach English, but the bigger job is to continue to Wake Up (and take my readers with me).

Last night when I was riding my bike up some ridiculous hill I just started crying. I can hear everything my next door neighbor does so I know if I just start screaming or crying at home, I’m going to have to answer some questions or at the very least, that information will go into the rumor mill and people will think I’m unhappy. I am unhappy, but not because the school isn’t taking care of me. I’m unhappy because it’s a giant change and a little too much to process all at once. I’m unhappy because I have my own unresolved issues that are coming to the surface because I am worn too thin to keep up the defenses against the issues. So, I was trying to push this tiny bike up a hill it wasn’t fit for and I just couldn’t hold back the tears again.

I’m unhappy because the people I want to love me, don’t reach out to see how I am doing. Everyone’s life went on as normal without me, as if they didn’t notice I left. These are the feelings coming up, not the reality of it. I have had amazing contact with some of my ATP classmates. I know people are reading and following my blog. I’ve talked to my family more that I use to. I know I have a bunch of friends planning to travel with me when I have time off. And now I have an entire school that will do anything to make me feel welcome so I will stay here. Ok, it’s not because they know and love me, but still, it’s an entire school. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of myself, physically and emotionally. I’ve spent most of my life craving and wishing for that someone special, that knight in shining armor to come and save me and take care of me because I’m so tired of doing it myself. I know that’s never going to happen, but I keep hoping for it anyway. Can I let go of the “need” for it to be one person, a mate, a knight? Can I let go of wanting it to be the person that is not interested or capable? Because if I can, I might be able to enjoy the fact that I’m being taken care of. It’s not a man that I find attractive with the promise of a life partnership together. It’s not happily ever after. It came in a different package. It’s a staff of teachers and a bunch of students.

On a slightly different issue (but still related, somehow), I’m frustrated with the wifi here. The possible solution is an hour’s drive away and I have a bicycle that doesn’t like hills. I supposedly live in the land of waterfalls, but I have no way to go find any of them. I have fellow TESOL teachers 2 and 3 hours away (by car, not bicycle). I feel stranded. I miss my car. It’s a frantic panic-y feeling. I was noticing it and questioning this correlation between freedom and mobility. One of the questions I’ve gotten a lot the last few days is am I lonely. It seems funny to me. No, I’m not lonely. I’m around teachers and students all day long. I can hear every time my next door neighbor sniffles or someone walks by. Back home, I was alone and isolated. I would spend about 90% of my week alone. I got lonely sometimes. The difference here is not lonely or not, it’s mobile or not. At home, if I was feeling isolated, I’d just get in the car and drive somewhere else. I have no issue roaming around Thailand, seeing the sights and scenery alone. I mind that I can’t roam. So, this connection/correlation/realization is still coming together, but since I just put them together today, I figured I’d write about it since it’s at the point where it will probably come together in the next week or so.

	eaglegenuinec87d1476… on Going Home
	delicately4f6d967f14 on Going Home
	delicately4f6d967f14 on Icebergs
	delicately4f6d967f14 on ATV Tour
	eaglegenuinec87d1476… on Kluane

Rraine Drops

Tag: What Have I done?