Yesterday I felt very overwhelmed with lesson planning.  I don’t like lesson planning.  I don’t mind the actual teaching, but trying to figure out what and how to teach is just unpleasant.  I got text books for my advanced classes and was looking through one to get ideas on what to teach this week.  It seems like that would be easier, but the activities in the text book are so disjointed and difficult to follow.  They are also way too hard for these students.  So, it just makes me sad a the the Thai system that they hold the students to such high standards, but they just aren’t there.  I don’t want to be a teacher anymore.  Ok, I can’t say when I wanted to be one except before I was one.  This is hard.

After school yesterday I went to get coffee at the roadside drink place.  The lady there is so nice and remembers what I like.  It’s cheaper than the coffee shop too.  Since it wasn’t too hot (it was medium hot) and there was a nice breeze, I didn’t mind sitting outside.  Then I went home and washed my motorbike.  The thing still looks like a complete disaster, but I know it’s clean.  Well, as clean as is possible.  This made me content.  Then I made dinner.  I think I could stay here longer if all I had to do were mundane everyday things.  I’m actually enjoying those.  I feel very peaceful and don’t care that I don’t have a big social life or wild and exciting things to do.  I’m completely present.  Until I think about lesson planning or my car not being paid on time in the US or what if my house doesn’t sell, etc.

Today I woke up feeling completely horrible.  Last night I looked at my US bank account I am running real low.  I had to have some repairs done to the house so this month I won’t receive any rent so that will be a big hit when the mortgage bill comes in.  After that, I won’t even have enough money to buy a flight home if I wanted to.  The last I heard, the renter no longer wanted to buy the house.  I still have over $30,000 of debt not including the house and car.  The person leasing my car is still paying late every month.  So, I woke up with this weighing heavy on me.  I’m trying to trust that everything will work out ok, but I just couldn’t this morning.  Most of the day I just wanted to leave, but go where?

I’ve had several teachers ask why I am leaving in September and if I was going home.  Q, my next door neighbor asked if I was coming back after I went home for awhile.  He also asked if Robin was going with me.  I found that odd.  Just because we are both westerners doesn’t mean I’m bringing a 20 something year old from England back to America with me.   Robin’s on his own.  I’m not even sure I’m going back to the US.  Judging by the questions people asked me, most of them had no idea this was just temporary to begin with.  They seemed to think I moved here for good.  I find that heart touching and I felt a bit guilty.  I questioned why I felt guilty though.  I never planned this to be long term.  I just don’t want to disappoint people.  Guess I have to let that go.

The loud obnoxious skinny mangy school cat had kittens.  They are so cute, but it’s sad because the mother just begs food and now she has kittens to feed too.

By the end of the day, I felt like I did yesterday.  Just content.  I went for coffee and a walk in the gardens with Tip, Ging, and their daughters after school.  Then I came home to cook. I should have been working on lesson plans but I plan on doing that all weekend. I probably should be figuring out a financial plan, but I’m not sure what I can do other than move numbers around and get more depressed about it.

Noi came by and brought me lychee, mangosteen and a pair of pajama pants.  She wants me to have long pants (although they won’t be long on me) to help keep off the mosquitos because rainy season is coming.  I love this woman.

I also love mangosteen.  I may have mentioned it before, but if I didn’t, these are the best fruit ever.  And I am obsessed with them now. They are just starting to come into season here so I am happy about that.  Lychee and rambutan have just come into season too.  I like lychee, but only a few at a time.  Rambutan is delightful to look at.  They look like a shaggy monster.  They are lychee’s hairy cousin.  They taste way better than lychee too.  I tried a new vegetable today.  I was told it was like a not sweet melon and it is boiled or fried.  So, I fried it with some squash, ginger and onion.  It was very unexciting.  The squash, ginger and onion combo isn’t too bad though.

(c) All rights reserved Kimberly Fiore