I woke up too early because all my neighbors walk like elephants and then bang things and slam doors.  I opened the windows to the fresh morning sounds of jack-hammering.  Soon they quit that and moved on to saw cutting things.  It’s way less annoying than jack-hammering.  But it was still 8 hours of cutting.

I had two decent dizzy spells where I thought I might fall over or black out.  I need to really take my time standing up.  Everything I do leaves me very winded.  My weight went up today.  huh.  Nausea is now my almost constant companion.  I don’t think I’m going to make it for 18 days.  I’m not even sure I will make it through tomorrow.  The eczema on my face has almost cleared up.

I napped – kinda – in the middle of the day.  I remember as I laid there trying to sleep that my skin smell had changed again.  It was kind of like cinnamon.  When I got up from the nap it didn’t have a smell at all.  Can you dream smells?

I did a skype call with Pam.  Again, so great and helpful to connect with those I love.

I went downstairs for art therapy which was coloring.  It was nice for a bit, but an hour was more than enough time sitting upright.

Then there was some random crying throughout the day.

(c) All Rights Reserved Kimberly Fiore

I woke up feeling ok this morning, slow, but ok.  I didn’t sleep well at all.

I’m running out of clean clothes and my hair smells funny.  I dropped two pounds.  I thought I had leveled off.  I started my period and the doctor said that’s why I dropped so much suddenly.  It should go back to a pound a day or less.

Know how when you close your eyes you see the last thing you were looking at for a second or two.  When I close my eyes, I see that, but then it splits in two and moves in strange directions.  Kind of weird, kind of fun.

I sat in the sun for a half hour.  I laid in bed and listened to the birds.  I checked email and then listened to the birds some more.  Then nearby someone was shoveling rocks into a truck or out of a truck.  It went on for hours.  I became so irritated.  But that’s good because now I get to work on and clear some of that which is still in me.  I closed the windows and put on my white noise fan.  I am sooooooo glad I brought that fan.  I laid there trying to figure out what sound fit my mood.  Sometimes stuck energy will release from your body easier if it has a sound.  It was a kind of whimpering sound.  I whimpered until I fell asleep.  I woke up when someone decided to rearrange the furniture in the room below me.  I did some toning and felt a little better.

About a half hour later, I felt crappy again.  The doctor told me to try hot water or ice water or to alternate to help the nausea.  I tried the hot water even though the concept sounded yucky.  It was quite lovely and helped.  I think it would have helped a lot more if it had coffee in it.  Later in the day I tried the ice water.  That was even better than the hot water.

I got laundry back – yay clean clothes – yay small victories.  The lady with the singing bowls was back today.  It was in the yurt.  I swear they moved the yurt farther away again.  The yurt is evil.  I almost didn’t go.  I did go and I did enjoy it, but I’m worn out and going to bed early tonight.  I’m slowly getting to the part where I just hang out in bed all day.

(c) All Rights Reserved Kimberly Fiore

Once again, I woke up feeling good.  I want to do so many things, but the simplest thing is exhausting so I can’t do much.  My dreams every night continue to be very detailed, specific and intricate.  Last night was like watching a string of short story movies.

It was cooler today, 55 degrees and extremely windy.  I bundled up and went outside to sit in the sun and warm up.  It was the first time I could sit in the sun with out melting.  After about a half hour the sun did the trick and I went to seek shade.  I people watched for a bit.  It’s the weekend and lodge guests kept arriving and checking out the medicine wheel and labyrinth.  It didn’t take long to realize the gecko mating show going on in front of me was way more interesting.  He (I’m assuming) kept prancing by her, puffing up and standing on his tip toes and then bobbing up and down.  She was not interested.  He tried to bite her tail twice.  She ran away.  This went on forever and I think he finally just gave up.  I gave up when the sun found my shady spot and took it away.  I found another shady spot and the sun found me there too.

I gave up on being outside – the sun won – so I hung out in my room for the rest of the morning and early afternoon.  I colored some more.  I read.  I cried.  I just laid there.  Boredom sunk in.  In my head I have so much energy, but I can’t do much and then the little I do gets boring shortly.  I’ve always had trouble relaxing and being still so I get to work on that now.  Then I became very cold again so I went back out to the sun to warm up.  I’ve become a reptile.

During dinner there was a guy playing the guitar and harmonica so even though my dinner was water with a side of water it was very nice to sit and listen.

Today was the first day free of nausea.  Yay!  I spoke to the doctor today to see if I could extend my fast since I’m doing quite well with it and I want to fast as long as I can.  He did some math and said I could extend it 5 more days.  At that point I should be at the weight they don’t want me to go below.  So tomorrow I will try to make arrangements with the lodge and hopefully can stay 6 more days (one extra day of re-feeding).  Fingers crossed.

(c) All Rights Reserved Kimberly Fiore

I’ve been told that around day 4 your body has turned to burning fat for fuel so you feel like you could conquer the world.  That was not quite my experience.  My brain couldn’t make decisions today so I wouldn’t know what part of the world to start conquering first.

I woke up feeling good.  I still want to eat, but my stomach doesn’t hurt.  I think it’s the ritual of eating.  You wake up in the morning and then start thinking about that cup of coffee and what you are going to eat.  So much of our lives, especially our social lives revolve around eating.  So many people pride themselves in being foodies or great cooks or love making that unique bar drink.  Or as simple as, I’m the person that eats eggs and bacon in the morning.  Who are you if you don’t have that?  I think what I’m craving is not the food so much as the ritual of eating and the joy of sharing a meal with someone.

I love sitting outside here.  In the shade it is wonderful (the sun is not).  So I spent a lot of the morning sitting out side trying to decide if I wanted to read or color.  I couldn’t decide so I went to the morning movie.  The movie was “From oil to nuts”.  It was about how salt, sugar and oil were good and how they were bad.  It was very interesting and I learned a lot, but it couldn’t hold my attention the whole way so I didn’t see the whole movie.  After the movie, coloring won the debate of coloring vs reading.  I spent a good part of the day coloring.  The afternoon talk was on Living Wills – It gave me some great ideas – I’ve got some work to update mine.  More coloring.

My thinking is going, but only slightly.  It’s mostly trouble making decisions and a bit of “why did I come into this room”?  My ability to tell where I am in space is going a little.  A couple of times going around a corner, I bumped into the wall.  I kept dropping things like a pencil or a pad of paper.  If I move too fast, my balance is slightly off.  Going up the stairs I get very winded and have to rest for a minute or so.  Even though I feel better, these are not good qualities for conquering the world.  The leg evaporation thing happened a few times.  I really think this is muscle fat burning.  If you look at my legs they are kind of tiny and silly looking.  There’s a lot more mucus in my nose.  Fingers crossed that this is the sinus problems I’ve had all my life flushing and resetting!

Around 5:00 a big wave of yuck came over me.  I just felt bad – headache, hunger and general yuck.  This was right before the singing bowl healing so I figured that would fix me up.  It was in the yurt, which unfortunately, is hotter than the burning sun.  Apparently it had become farther away from the lodge than it was before.  I got tired and winded walking to it.  I had trouble relaxing because I felt like my clothes were melting to my skin and I would never be able to remove them.  The music was so beautiful and I wanted to cry.  The tears never came up, but they were there.  So, I asked myself what the tears were about.  It felt kind of like parts of my body were sad because they were going to die with this fast.  I thanked them for their service and told them it was ok to go.  I thanked my diseases and imbalances for taking care of me when I needed them, but I can take care of myself now so they are no longer needed and could go.  Even though I was physically very uncomfortable, the music was wonderful.  My headache and yuck did not go away.

Then there was the olive oil mission.  I felt a bit like a spy gathering a top secret liquid.  I can’t use lotion because of all the chemicals.  My feet and legs are so dry.  The doctor said to try coconut oil or olive oil.  Even though he told me that, I sill feel like it is contraband.  I called one of my mother-in-law’s friends and asked her if she could bring me some.  I can’t drive and after the yurt experience I can’t walk more than 2 blocks.  She didn’t have time to sit and chat so she drove up, gave the oil, hugged me and was on her way.  My feet are happy now.

In the evening I went to find Judy.  She is also doing a water fast, but today was her first day fasting.  I use to see her at some of the movies and talks, but didn’t see her once today so I wondered if she was having a bad first day.  She was doing ok, but stayed on her porch most of the day reading because she didn’t feel great and couldn’t go in the lodge because of the smell of food.  We talked for a long time.  I noticed that when I left her my yuck and headache was gone.  I think this is a great testament to the poly-vagal theory that connection with others is important.

(c) All Rights Reserved Kimberly Fiore