Thought of the day: I’m not sure if I’m really good at drinking or really good at snowboarding, but that combo should not have been that smooth. Maybe both. I am going to miss snow. Did I mention that I love snow?
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Ok this is scary. I’m putting my passport in an envelope and entrusting it to the USPS. I’m sending it off to the Royal Thai Consulate in Portland Oregon to request my Non Immigrant B Visa. Apparently other Thai Consulates in the US don’t like to give out visas and deny most of them for little to no reason. I think I’m not going to Antarctica.
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My half-sister, Carly came over to help me pack today. It was nice to spend time with her. I posted on facebook that I needed help packing. She responded yes and my friend CJ responded that she couldn’t, but wished she could. My other friend Cynthia came over when I first put the house on the market and helped. I find it interesting that if I put up a negative post, a lot of people comment. If I put up a picture of a fox in my yard, it gets hundreds of ‘likes’. If I ask for help, I get 3 responses. What does this say about me, my friends, facebook? I blame facebook.
I paid for the rest of my TEFL class. I wonder if I’ll get called for the Antarctica interview now.
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Still no contact from PAE for the Antarctica job.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
I might have a renter for the house. I’m waiting to hear for sure. Panic, no excitement, no panic. Dread over the things that have to be done (pack up, move, find a new place to live, change my address, blah blah, blah). Oh, more panic. Wait… Yay! It’s happening. Well, something’s happening.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
I went to the dentist today. I might have a cracked tooth. The dentist said it was probably a hair line crack. He thought he could see it, but it didn’t show up on an xray. Apparently there is nothing that can be done until it gets worse. Huh? Who knew? This is new to me. I don’t remember ever having a bad dentist experience and I don’t feel anxious about going, but the whole time they are working in my mouth, my entire body is tense – especially clenched fists. I’d notice it and tell myself to relax and then a minute later it’s back. The bill hurts far more than anything they physically do. I’ve had two knee surgeries and sinus surgery without being able to take pain meds after. Why does a dental cleaning make my body act like it’s terrified? Is it the collective fear that most people have of the dentist? Did something bad happen that I don’t remember?
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The first snowboarding day of the season. It took a long time to get our passes (mine didn’t come in the mail). The lift line was ridiculous. There were only two icy half runs open. But it was sunny and we were on our boards and I was hanging with Doug, so add it all up and it was a great day!
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Enough of this stuck I can’t make decisions place. This needs to be worked through. I’m calling for help. I had a session with my coach on how stuck I feel and how I’m not quite on board with a life where I never know what’s next. I don’t like it. He asked me to ground and get in touch with my passion for going to Antarctica. I couldn’t find it. Then process came up and I cried (I usually cry). What came up for me is that all I want is to be married and stay at home and make art out of my my studio. I just want to create and make things, not have to worry about where the money will come from. Oh, so I want the feminine flow side of life without the worry of the male purpose. Whoa. If you look at this decision from the male/female energy perspective, I am trying to decide between the very masculine Antarctica option and the very feminine teaching in Thailand option. Hmmmmm…… Ok, unstuck, carry on.
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I woke up to snow. Oh my god I love snow. Just seeing it on the trees and shuffling it around with my feet made me so happys. What problems? What stress? Who cares if I’m alone? Job Schmob. How does frozen water do this? It must be magic.
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Still no interview for Antarctica. The HR guy said maybe next week. Next week I have to pay for my TEFL class or not.
There is a wall between my road and the road below it that got damaged in the 2013 flood. The County replaced the wall and then the new wall fell over. They just started work on the new new wall last week. It is a bit of a hassle as they are both one lane roads and you have to wait if you want to go out or come home. But, I don’t have to hike home, so that’s good. Yesterday as I was driving home, 3 of my neighbors were standing at the wall discussing the progress of construction. I stopped to talk to them. They were discussing their outrage that the wall was done and not high enough and our road would be left not wide enough for anything other than a small car. This means we won’t be able to get deliveries and worse yet, we won’t be able to get propane. And after the first snow someone is sure to slip and drive off the wall. As an engineer, I don’t see how they can leave the road the way it is now, so I just shook my head and drove home. They are doing the doomsday thing and creating drama for no reason except something to do. Later I think “Well, the County has done some strange things in the past……”. Damn you doomsdayers, the seed of doubt was planted. I woke up at 5:00am with the most hopeless mood ever. The road will be left as is and sooner or later I’ll run out of propane and freeze to death. I won’t be able to rent or sell my house if it is uninhabitable. I won’t be able to move my furniture out of the house even if I can trick someone into buying an uninhabitable house. I will have to stay here because I won’t be able to afford to leave. Then I will slowly and painfully run out of money and starve to death if I don’t freeze to death first. Maybe I’ll be the first to slide off the road and die that way instead of starving or freezing to death. Good Morning. Well, I might as well get out of bed and get back to not making decisions or doing anything useful.
Later in the morning I got ahold of the County Engineer and he confirmed that they were just rumors and the wall would be taller and our road would be back to 12’ wide. Ok, I guess I’ll chose to live then. It’s amazing how one potential future (not even a logical one) could create so much stress. My body was reacting as if it was happening and it wasn’t. A part of me knew this the whole time, but I still couldn’t stop my body from reacting. I can’t ‘do’ True Nature. I can’t ‘do’ trusting life. I can suck it up, put on a brave face, smile, think positive thoughts and call it accepting life and going with the flow. But that’s a lie. That’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. I’ve been trying to do acceptance and it’s not something you can do. All this uncertainty in my life right now is so uncomfortable. I want to do something to be less uncomfortable. I want to bend life’s plan to be the way I want. I want to force the decisions to happen faster. The reality is there is nothing I can do, but sit here and experience the discomfort.
(c) all rights reserved Kimberly Fiore
Rraine Drops 